Complicate, Complement and Complete

Indeed what I am thru now is difficult but if I don't so it I will not have the answer why it should be that way.

At the same time on changing lane , I am trying the whole new experience of being in a junction. As much as I know I don't answer to any of them as they can’t make their own decision. Why should i???

In order to get an answer I have to drift into another path which leads me to honesty, sincerity and a gentleman. Yes, he cant fulfill, yes he wants me but its better to tell me rather to give me a hope in which he can’t grant it.

Yes, perhaps being in denial always make us make a wrong choice. We take the flow but alerting each other that direction was not a destination to where we suppose to be. We in short enjoying the companion but hate to accept whats next.

I am not going to loose another friend again. I will be putting the feelings aside not wanting to loose what I have experienced once before. Even this time without a second or third party.

In short I will be separating my mental needs and my feeling to total separation of needing a best companion for a very very long time. I know I complicate to complement in order to complete the imperfections of life needs.

No one will dictate what you want in life except you. So life is always about a choice in order to achieve your own destinations.

28th June 2009
1.11am

Melody of Life Drama

I feel lost and numb ever since it hit me. I never want to do this but at force I am taking an action of what I wanted. Now I have a junction of what some people love and hate. I am taking a risk, yes, undeniably.

If once I had just refused myself but then now I am not willing to. Perhaps, I will fall, perhaps I will get the peace of mind, or perhaps I will be left alone again.

But then I have the chance, the opportunity to be love, desired and crave for. Was it wrong? I don’t want to think about it.

Triangle love?? No, it was not. Its many and I keep it flowing. How do I manage it? I don’t know. Let it be as it is. I am not going to rush anyone but if they take the bait and act on it that will be a bonus.

From what I see it wont be in the near future. It may take years again. But then I am the one who initiate it, the consequences will be mine then.

I cant see how frustrated one can be when sheltered are shared but they are like not knowing each other, not addressing each other neither being appreciated. Somehow the fierce me had made him talked and shared what had happened.

Finally the hearts are not made of stone. Time will tell and time will tame the symphony according to the melody of life drama.

Would I be getting what I want? Answers that could only be answered by me…
16th June 2009
12.09

Aku dan Dirimu

Biar entah berapa ratus kali lagu ini kumainkan, masih tidak kujemu. Dengan melodi, tempo, senikatanya yang indah. Ia menggAmit perasaan yang halus mengundang cinta sayang ku semula. Apa yang ku inginkan, ku perlukan, ku dambakan semuanya ada didalam lagu ini.

I cant let go the memoir of Singapore. Three years back and now it came fresh exactly and better than yesterday. I am craving for the moment of passion, the touch and yet respected for the love and honour I had stand for.

I know I cant have him but I’m going to try otherwise I will not taste what I want all this while. The difference that we had was great. In silent I admire the quality, the passion of his work that may not be found in others.

How did I trace that out? The slow pacer like me will observe and experience the moment of truth, gracefully, slowly testing the temperature, the urge, the needs that one can’t deny. I know upon that there is so many consequences will be faced. But I am not scared to loose nor to face further as in getting continuation of the truth.

With that I know who is really sincere, who is really taking advantage and who take it at the face value. People come and ago without looking back and some does which of course apologize with own reason. And of course everyone deserve a second chance and yes, granted for a period.

Was I too lenient or I am a fool. I let nature takes it call. So that I wont be jumping or racing against the time. Let it flow as it goes. I just have to taste it, experience it and let HIM take the leads.

June 15, 2009
1156pm

Mr Wonderful

Love and passion left hundreds miles apart in Sentosa Island.

I am far away drifting from reality again. Here throwing my vision above the horizon that reach nowhere as far as my eyes can reach.

With my heavy hearts and emotions…

I am still experiencing the feeling above the grounds overlooking blue sea and beautiful scene ever in my life. Here besides me a creature tickling me thinking I would be scared of the height where we were.

I do of course scared but im not sure its him I’m not scared of too…

He appeared to be so nice. Splashing me with the attention, escorting me to a place I’ve always dreams to be.

The sound of waves following the current to the beach, with the breeze slapping my face, the sounds of birds running around, kids yelling happily building sand castle.

I hardly know him but he took the pleasure every destination I’ve mentioned without hesitating that I may not like it. He listen to my heart or so called needs in silent

It was a long ride on the air and long walk from the garden to the beach, exploring the ride of 3D cinema and lots of thing I can’t remember all…

The only thing I can remember was when we sit down by the beach staring far away letting our mind to drift into an illusion that I’ve never dreamed off.

Was it true enough I am with someone that I hardly know. And he is treating me like a queen to what ever I ever wished in my text message.

He oblige to everything I want. Every single thing I mentioned. I don’t know how I get the courage to trust someone. I never knew and infact proved me there is someone I can trust afterall…

After 3 years, my revisit was truly a surprise. I was so enthralled by everything I received… Even when I am so cruel to be kind to myself and he is still there loyally at the side with a barrier to go near me freezing in the midst of night. And yet he is still holding the respect for a woman whom he wanted so much to touch. Deep inside I was cringing for the touch, the love, all of the feelings he has for me.

I wasn’t sure because I know in every man lies a dreams of his own. As I am not young, with big responsibilities, I bet people wouldn’t dare to ask me in the hands of marriage but maybe only to steal the moment of reality.

I was only dreaming, assuming, and imagining that dreams were the only thing I have for the rest of my life.

I become so cold, I avoid my eyes looking into what I perfectly want in my entire life. I longed for the touch but nope throughout the whole situation he held his hand, desired and craved only to himself although I know there is nothing holding us in between.

Finally I know, I can trust someone opposite for the respect of who I am…
Until today I can’t help to remember how his sad face letting me go off the boarding exit…

Without me knowing my tears runs weeping slowly as I type him the thank you message. It wasn’t for the money, the love nor the exclusivity he gave but for the respect he has for me as a valuable present in my life. I was never feel so honoured in my life before as he has paint the colour so beautifully in my heart…

And this time around I was suppose to visit the Esplanade, the Flyer, the mountain again and few others was not materialize merely because I was not fit to have it all.

Now I am back to reality, normality and my routines of where I belongs. But the colour painted will stay as long as he still accepts me as what he wants to make me. Knowing I cant ask for much in life I would just be thankful of what given.

HE has never stopped testing me. Not yesterday, not today and I’m sure not even tomorrow.

I know someday, some one will write or show on white canvas or screen what is painted in my heart for being an honored woman of yesterday because he has made me one. He opened my eyes and soul that in this entire universe if I cant trust someone near, there is someone out there proved me that a gentleman do exist.

Dear……

I thank you for the journey you have shared yesterday. Today I am tracking the routine of normalities again with responsibilities on my shoulder and keeping my eyes wide open and hope tomorrow will always comes with beautiful of choice that we can choose.

Perhaps if I’d ever made you feel sad, or sorry to hear about my life story, or anything, even the making you froze at night please do accept my apology.

I am a human who still have desire and that abnormality would make your dreams shattered if you ever shared it with me. And because of that its better I don’t turn around to face you and race with the consequences of emotions later

I have 4 more creatures to be divided with one love should I decide to love someone again. Would any man shared that? I failed to think about it.

What is painted in my eyes now was the sad look letting me go while I am walking straight ahead without even wanted to look back of I know if I do, I wont be going home that night.

I wanted badly to love myself and that was the reason I take my bid off from my normalities for a while just to please myself and I was caught by sudden emotion for someone I adore in silent.

Anyhow, yesterday past and today had affected me so much. What more in him. I can still hear he said “if only we know each other before”. You know it wont change our fate. I hear that many times if it is not only you. The only thing I want to remember is “it’s because I love you”. It keep on repeating in my ears and heart and send me the many colours.

I have so much to share but I have so little space to think of. If I give a space here another would be empty, may be I’m wrong but yes I think too much of what I shouldn’t be.

I shouldn’t distract any of his attention anymore to his dream and future. I will be passing by in silent with an assurance my love for him will be felt whenever he inhaled the breath of life and I am not going to run for my life anymore knowing I have already expressed what I already need to.

As much as you loved me that will be at my expensed to keep and buried it inside me. I have feel it, taste it and I have to go on even without it. It won’t change me anymore as I would love the way it is in my silentness again…

All I know it grows and blooms like the sunshine which always peep my window every morning. The door is always open when my eyes meets you. As far as we are apart it is close until the next visit….

Beauty and Beast Talk

Beast need Beauty. Do you want to be the Beauty to be ravage by the beast?

if you allow the old maid to serve him she would love to try.

You must come for an interview 17th - 19th then!