THANKFUL

I was I holding my anger to get my rights over certain thing at certain people today. I was just trying my luck and holding some principle. What was I aiming for to make sure people who deal with me on business basis are based on strictly business and being professional.

Again I was wrong, people cant think the way I think. People don’t have heart like I do. I was being bold just the way I wanted to be long time ago. I want to do what I feel like to do now without hesitating. You thought me to be hard. You thought me to be tough. You thought me to be selfish. And here I am. But when I do that you retract. You are shock and you make way to split. But I will be fine. You want to go, you go. You want to fly, you fly. You want to laugh at me, you laugh. You want to cry, you cry.

I have done enough, I have tried enough and I have nodded enough. Its time I feel the sweetness of life. What it can offer in my difficulties. I have gone through hardship to get extra smile to be happy, extra lifestyle to get over conservativeness, extra points to get extra financial secure, extra miles to gain knowledge and destiny.

Looking back just to remind me I shouldn’t be falling again. Give heart to people only when I think I should? No it doesn’t work with me because born to be a giver. I help whenever im approach in what ever circumstances I have to take. Now I can only listen. I cant give monetary help nor the energy needed like I used to do.

Brutalness thought me to be tough. Pain of being beaten makes me numb. Sorrow makes me look at other people sadness like a small matter compared to what ive gone through. Come and challenge me with reasons, then I tell you what real pain is. I can be soft but don’t trigger my anger. I can avoid sex but don’t seduced me. I can just walk away even without telling you when I should go. Don’t underestimate my action. As I need people around me to survive, to act, and to love.

I may be stupid but full of knowledge. I may be blur but I am full alert. I may be smiling but I am crying. I may be letting go but I am clinging. I have to be strong, I have to be tough. The reaction to everything I do was only a way to get to know me better.

I’ve hurted myself to compare the pain I undergo before and now. I feel the hurt just to make me respect people around me more because of the good life they went through. Considering myself are better than those people who has to depend on the shelter given by others and sympathy from surroundings.

I want to be thankful always and remember the mercy given to me everyday. Even through difficulties I can still feel the sun burning my skin, the coldness in the night killing the heat and I can still feel the tastiness of Milo over bread, I can still munch a leafy salad when I don’t want rice.

I may not be harsh but I am crushed, I may not be nice but I am never so hard, I may not be loving but I need to be angry. Sometime I just don’t understand myself. I need to seclude myself again deep in you to know more of me. Today a question pops up how satisfied are you lina? I am very much contented and know how much I have achieved so far and its fine I have lost someone I love but they have never loose any love I have given. To my dear ex husband thank you for the money given even not much. It does help tho not much. To those who has invested for me or the kids only god can pay you and may god bless you in everyway you do.

Released: 5^th October 2005
Currently listening to:
Shoulder to cry on : Tommy Page
Mood: Angry

LAZINESS

Infected with virus of laziness nowadays. I just want to sleep when reach home. Cant even wait till after 11pm. Too tired of work maybe. As soon as I reach home take dinner with children and bathe and surely will be so fresh n nice to doze off. I wanted to write but my mind is not functioning anymore.

Had few calls while watching TV and feel so lazy to answer. I stop my mind from thinking other things. Kids, works and home that really matters now. Had a chat with some people today but not really entertaining them as I just gave a warm gesture as usual and don’t really bother to ask much. Had a chat with arif too (bukan incik amat tau!). He was trying to dig up some stories.

My stories was all about me not about people. What I write here was a true confession where I don’t say much to people in reality except to those who really understand. But then again as I approached more on my life I soon to stick only to what I want. We can be friends to anyone but not having something in between. I have been truly honest with people around me. They like it or not that’s about me. I cant be living in shadow anymore hoping people will understand. If Im angry I will spit it out, if I like something, ill tell you but if I decided its not worth I’ll leave it as it is. Some people misunderstood it. But heck with that. Being content n solely knowing what best for me has made me certain of what I need to deal with there and then.

Those people which I mentioned was those people who really have a way to get to me to talk or me getting views from them. They have been there before, and they have been there now. It change nothing of the facts they are there as a friend. Nothing more nor less. So Arif, its not difficult to understand me. Perhaps he may be liked by many but then a charm of the personality itself attracts so many opposite gender to him and im not excluded. But then again that’s about it.

I am cleared of myself now to stay away for relationship with anyone which is hooked or way too young for me. Proposal may be many but then im not interested anymore for the sake of marrying only and having someone to warm my bed. What is not enough? Loneliness? Was i? Do I have time for anyone? Or is there any way for them to get in to me?

They must have strong character, ready to challenge me, willing to find out more of hidden me, never give up to amuse me. But if you know the whole me its time to leave then. Its no point of waiting because the game is no longer exciting anymore. Some people who read this may be confused because they will not understand and follow what is this all about. For some who might (*might) understand, well I have to have the different character to get rid the old me.

Few times with married man is enough to learn a lesson of hurting me, her and I especially. To know a feelings of a woman is the best healing process for me to get rid those sad feelings. They are happy now perhaps to love and be love by their wife or perhaps marrying again with another who can share.

Spending my time with kids is my best time, tickling, giggling, cuddling with all four is the best moment I have to patch what I don’t before. Replacing n nurturing it making me feel warm till now. I don’t know how would people survive without anyone with them.

Bondage was the only thing holds a relation in life. The feeling of loosing something wont be there anymore. I have toss around juggling and meddling with rhythm of life. Now I can dance the way the music tune in. I may fall again, I may not, its all depends on me whether I let it be happen. What I want now is just god to hear the needy person. I still can eat, can run, can laugh, can smile and etc but those orphans, old folks need more than just caring people. They need love from you god, save them.

Ramadhan kau menjelang membuka semua pintu syurga, menutup semua pintu neraka. Tetapi berapa ramaikah di antara kita yang membuka pintu hatinya menilai kemanusian, ukhuwah dan silaturahim sesama insan…

Currently listening: Only to my heart
Mood : Contented
Released: 04 Oct 05 11.56pm

Lelaki

Tugas pertama seorang lelaki ialah menjadi dirinya sendiri.

Pilihlah seseorang untuk dicintai & cintalah pilihan anda itu.

Cinta tidak berbalas sama seperti soalan tanpa jawapan.

Lelaki yang tidak berharta biasanya memiliki lidah bermadu.

Lelaki pendiam ibarat air tenang, dalam & bahaya.

Orang yang bijak mempelajari banyak perkara
daripada musuhnya sendiri.

Terdapat banyak kemungkinan untuk gagal kerana kejayaan

hanya boleh dicapai dengan satu perkara iaitu USAHA.

Ketika ditimpa bencana, kita akan mengenali yang mana satu

lawan & yang mana satu kawan.

Membaca menjadikan diri anda sebagai seorang lelaki,

menghadiri persidangan sebagai persediaan menjadi lelaki

Virtuality

This poem was given to me sometime in 2001 from Jerijador. I love all the poems he send me and still keep it till now and perhaps share it with all of you.

VIRTUALITY

Like a shipwrecked mariner adrift on an unknown sea

Clinging to the wreckage of the lost ship Fantasy

I'm a castaway, stranded in a desolate land

I can see the footprints in the virtual sand

Net boy, net girl

Send your signal around the world

Let your fingers walk and talk

And set you free

Send your signal around the world

Let your fingers walk and talk

And set you free

Net boy, net girl

Send your impulse around the world

Put your message in a modem

And throw it in the Cyber Sea

Astronauts in the weightlessness of pixellated space

Exchange graffiti with a disembodied race

I can save the universe in a grain of sand

I can hold the future in my virtual hand

Like a pair of vagabonds who wave between two passing trains

Or glimpse of a woman's smile through a window in the rain

I can smell her perfume, I can taste her lips

I can feel the voltage from her fingertips

Beauty of a Woman

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears,

The figure she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of woman must be seen from her eyes,

Because that is the doorway to her heart – the place

Where love resides.

The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole,

But true beauty is reflected in her soul.

It is the caring that she lovingly gives,

The passion that she shows.

The beauty of a woman

With passing years – only grows.

Food

I was resting when the rain is pouring heavily in the afternoon. The shortime rain was actually a mercy from god during this hot days. And with that rain whole KL was jamed pack with cars. I was suppose to meet kinchan and aniz in Yap Kwan Seng where the whole journey took me 1 hour from the golden triangle to the restaurant. I had a big hug from her and big grin from Kinchan saying "best kan duduk dalam jem" . Chiss Kinchan patutla tak nak drive to Bangsar where nirwana is.

Was enjoying the talk while i ask few questions about new product which is going to be launched soon in KL.

First question was:
"How do you like this chips with the blue wordswritten on it"

Kinchan: Weh this is cool. Have to read sebelum makan.
Then he took one more and read again.

Kinchan: Why i feel jelak? Why so buttery taste eh?

I was smiling: Please define jelak? Define buttery?

Just to provoke him...for the facts that the product came from US so the cheezy taste and buttery taste will surely fit theirs.. With his face expression he said...

Kinchan: You know that buttery...

Me: Yeah what buttery? How? hehehhehe

Aniz: I will buy! This is cool... the writings create attention...
It is catchy.

I was not actually agreeing with them knowing the facts is that coloring in foods do harm us. Cathy but with the questions and answers on the chips itself take your attention away. Would you read if you need to do snacking leisurely infront of TV. Perhaps kids do, but well thats what we are going to find out from the consumer out there.

It is definitely true nowadays everything comes easy. Those 3-in-1 drinks where you just need to pour water and drink. Tumix, Maggi, Knorr paste where you need not to pound all the ingredients and just fry together with vege, fried rice and what so ever. Food enhancer are added with MSG, acid citrix and what not for those people who are working and wanted to make cooking easy.

But how many of us do alert about the reaction of those things in the later years. What i understand from the research was they do tested all those before launching but MSG is a must in the food industry. As we all know MSG is not healthy but it is still cant be detachable from peoples mind like Maggi me and ME.

All this instant food and those products really helps in this modernise life now. Where people dont have to brush their cloths, use their hands to rinse and dry under the hot sun. Do we ask why they still grumble of being tired? While all those products really helps.

Vacuum cleaner, electric kettle, water heater, slow cooker what else to make life easier. Did any of us have the feel of how hot the charcoal stove is when you need to cook anything in the morning. Does anyone of you have the feel of blowing the stick on the stove when you need to cook in the village?

Thinking of those my mind drift back to the green village, with a breezy wind where you can see the old folks on the padi field working on the plant under the hot sun.

Oppsss im imagining too much. Perhaps it works for me druing this hot season just to ignore the heat. Like one of the witch blogs i read this morning of the calmy beach, breezy air and the sound of nature brought to you by the waves... Shit no ...NO more fantasy.... Reality matters....

To all my space buddies and friends... Selamat menyambut Ramadhan al Mubaraq. May this year brings us more passion of knowing ourself more and understanding what starving and poverty is in real life. How much a single cents is worth to those needy and how much have we captured and given to those old folks home, orphanage and special people who needs our help

Released: 5th OCt 2005
Curenttly listening to: Tea lady Mumbling (GGGGrrrrrrrrr)
Mood: Ok!

Girls Days Outing

Current mood: happy

Saturday, 7am wake up make sure my kids are all bathe and making sure breakfast for the day is on the table. Waiting for Tinkle’s call what time is she picking me for the day event. Mah has promise to treat us to Genting today for a get away. They arrive about 9.45am and introduce me to Ros a friend from Kota Bharu.

We reach Genting Skyway about 11 plus not really looking at the clock, we bought ticket for the cable ride. As usual I’m covering the feelings of fear of being high on the sky. Was hesitate to follow at first but since all of them wanted to have the feel, I join in. Phewww off we go and I started making a jokes throughout the ride. It was a good experience tho and we laugh throughout the journey looking at Tinkle face and her quietness that was really not her style. All and all it was an excellence experience. 3^rd longest in Asia and the fasted Skyway in the world.

Anyway all of us feel good as soon as we touch ground and starting off to the theme park ticket counter ready to go in for the fear factor event. Ros was wearing skirt when she realized that she is going to miss all the fun later when we starting our merry go round swing. I wasn’t much into all those but since I am there I took the opportunity. We were feeling giddy when we touch down and starting to stride for next fun.

Ros decided to buy a pants and doesn’t want to miss all the fun we are having. And next was a space shot ride. Since I have had that ride before I opt not to take part and Ros join in. Hehehe I watched them queuing and laughed at their white pale face when they touched down. I was laughing the hell out loud when they said they tried to put down their but on the seat. I can still imagine their reaction when the Space Shot goes down.

Next ride was the roller coaster, more of yelling and shouting and laughing and giggling out of our mind. It was the most thrilling and fun ride of all. And next was the superman flying experience ride. I was not ready to this but since it is catered for four in one ride, I join in. My god I am really out of mind shouting and yelling and all the times close my eyes and just feel how the machine swing us up and down, left to right, and back to front. The best joke is that when looking at the picture taken during the ride. Scary face, shock stricken and pale as white.

Next was the Sg Rejang ride where all of us was then wet by the water splashing and we realize we haven’t eaten lunch. After lunch all of us was tired and then decided to go back. The cloud was heavier than we came, almost 3 ¼ of the journey was covered by clouds. I was making jokes all the way down to make all of us comfortable. We were the noisiest amongst the 8 passengers.

They decided to stop by my house for solat and freshen up. And off for karaoke next when we decided not to go dinner yet. Bungkel and Denk join us later. We have fun and shared the day mercifully.

There was few boyfriends who asked why aren’t they asked to join for the trip. I think the Girls Days Outing is fun sometimes just for ourselves. And Kinchan called at abt 1030pm to see whether I care to go for mamak by the time I finish im too tired to call him and let him know. Sorry Kinchan, it was unintentionally.

By 430am I was wake up by my dad to send him to airport. I took my sis along and my 2 kids decided to follow me. After sending I continue sleeping again till noon. Woke up to take them for groceries and take them for lunch. After lunch I slept again. This is really not me but I guess I was too tired n really out of sleep since workdays always worn me out.

Wake up bathe and I got a call from Tee asking me out for tea. She pick me at 9pm and took me to Bora. After raya I have another pelamin job with her. I call it a day then eyes is sleepy but im going to watch Gol & Gincu b4 i hit the sacks.

Released: 2^nd October 05
Currently watching:
Madu Tiga – P Ramlee movie.