Affection

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Penna: Lynna
Released: 190206 (1250am)
Mood: Cheerio

After 15 years more or less Ive got him on the line. I whoosh off all the pride aside just to be able to exchange news with him. It is great to be able to communicate again after so long.

Why didn’t I did that long ago? Restricted to my status … it makes both of us happy to be connected again. I don’t know for how long but im enjoying it now even if not for long. Im hoping I will still be friend forever. The smile that I cracked, the laughter that I hear was beautiful than I thought.

He was never into talking last time. He is always into thoughts and most of the time we were surrounded by his friend and mine. We were never able to talk to each other at all. The only thing I remember our time to be alone was a movie in REX one afternoon. I cant remember the title but yeah I was wearing white shirt and cream skirt.

He said I gave him a ring on his birthday… was it me or was it another girlfriend? He said I ignored him and not wanting him… was it me or was it him? I don’t know.. we are not able to express our feelings, our thoughts and most of all do we at all love each other?

This thoughts make me smile. He was still good looking as I know him before. The only things change is, he is now able to talk, able to cracked my laughter, he is able to say and express. Im not sure how many times did he say thank you, and every time he said that im going to charge him to buy me chocolates or flower… and if he were to say that again im gonna ask him to buy me a diamond ring I said… he laugh… he said I bought him once, although not as expensive but was that a proposal ring? I cant stand it and I laugh..

I cant even remember. All I know I gave few person a ring… Why? I don’t know… I cant recall and that few was him and Azwan…

May be the rest had never affect me and never leave that kind of thought that he does… I keep on remembering his smile, his look and I ask myself why was I never serious in relations once upon a time when I was teenager and especially with him…

I never do till now… I never trust that I guess… love only came to me when I want to make it happen … the love with my ex hb came after I marry him with a vow to make each other happy and to share the essence of love…

I tried after all, very hard and I do make him really love me… but do I really love him in the first place… Im not sure of the meaning… im still at lost…

What I am going to do now is just share the moments of happiness in my life and perhaps his life… Exchange stories and jokes once a while, call should I be free and received his call once a while too. I keep reminding him for not calling me when he is home, go home early to be with his family and always respect the other half.

I hear joy in his voice, happiness, and the expression of me wanting to talk to him again was overwhelmed I guess. He called almost everyday.. that worried me too… I looked forward to his call and he will find time to call me daily…

Please don’t let me fall for him again once more… what happen if it really does? I don’t know how to answer and handle this… Mr Poker will tell me cari penyakit again…

Nobody expect things that happens today… although we can refused it but then I don’t know really… im not sure why we are parted before… was it me or was it him… We just had a silent move on… When he mentioned that it was still early to talk about relations and he is still young that makes me take my heart away and pulled out slowly and expect him to call me and ask me to come back but he eventually did not…

And I never make an effort to call him too… I goes out with his friend which he knew that the other friend has been meaning to take me out long since I was with him… The friends around us always know if we were to go out together and they will be there around us too.

The moment of having them was the sweetest moment in my life… The whole attention was mine solely… They were very concern about me, caring and its sad that I have to make my own way after that without knowing the real reason… After all we were very young…

Now after 15 years, the essence of friendship, was it? Or what shall I write or say here… In his fourty, he is still the same ole boyfriend that I know whom has affected me with his gesture, personality and quietness.

The hands that holding mine, the lips that kissed my cheek was it still the same? The person who send me home and make sure im fine, was it still him? Am I in love again with an impossible moment and time… Only gods knows ….

You know how I yearn to touch you again, yearn to look into your eyes and find the moment of truth. Yes, I want to be in your warm embrace again, to feel your hand behind my back caressing me, to whisper that you care for me and love me… Will I see you again?? Should that be happening to me again…

Would I not be rational? Would I just take the opportunity? Would I just take the natures call? Why does he reach for me again after so long? Why when I thought of him, a few hours later I’ll hear his voice on the other end asking how am I? Would this impossible relations kills my curiousity? Would this impossible relations make me wanting him back just like old days with new vows??

Help me to answer this Naz… I just want some answer if it is not for all… I never said this before but im gonna say this now, I do miss you, your smile, your smell and your gesture…but at the very wrong moment.

Freedom of Speech, Blogging and Living

Penna : Farmie
Released: 150206
Mood: Blurrrrrrrr

Its really strange how I feel now. Having to read few fellow bloggers makes me feels excited, upheaval, wonderful, sad etc. It was a mixture of feelings. Me and my 1001 emotions and colours.

What really amused me is the Datins diary blogs. The colours of her, the way of her life, the kind of hearts shes having…. 3 different sets is enough for me to sum up how is she, what is she and how adorable she is in my eyes. No matter how she gets that Datin title, at the end of the day she is still a human who craved for love who in return love the man she marries.

Judge and to be judge was also part of her life like we do. That reminds me of Ariff who was vigorously talking to me of his spying notion. About a girlfriend he is eyeing and about my other friend surviving.

There was a lot of things in the diary which really amused me. Part of it was this piece when she talk about men generally:

“Although that’s not to say they wont stray or treat you less than nice, be chauvinistics or anything else unpleasant. But then again, men come in all shapes and sizes, even in the niches. There are men who are good and kind and true, and those who philander, abuse and cheat. There are also the in-betweens. Datuk or no, Tunku or common man, they all come with the same chromosomes. The only difference is what kind of shoes you can afford when you pool your joint resources together.

So ladies she said: unless you’re into gadgets, choose carefully. My advice, try him out for size. He needs to be big enough so you can both take cover under his coat when it rains. Small enough for you to wrap your arms almost around. Strong enough to restrain you from leaving too easily. Gentle enough to know when to leave you alone. And man enough to know when to give you his hand.”

She was smart, wise and I bet she must be beautiful at heart. For whoever she is, she is still a woman that yes I should say this, I do adore all the woman in the world be it my frenz, foes, family and siblings or kids, yes everyone! For they are special creature that was created by god.

Another series of talking to my dear gf when she pm me about tonning me down on how I shout nowadays. Since I know her, I know theres something that she wants to say out to me. But I let the nature takes it calls till today where she was referring to my last blog written. Was I am what I wear or what I wear inside is the shade of being me. English woman who is dainty and snobbish would fit my personality she said. I was really smiling when she talks about it. So I really makes her speaks when the topic was right. Thank you fren. I like your honesty which outshine through your words. Perhaps I should think of what you said. Really, honestly that would give me big time change. Insyaallah, god willing and yeah your pray is one of the blessing my friend.

I was once in the same wardrobe you mentioning, I don’t want to be judge nor judging. I just want to be who I am now. I will find ease of being the real me. I wont be wearing what I’m wearing now for way too long anyway. Im testing some cards that I have. As soon as I discovered my colour pallete, I’ll changed again. Im breathing the fresh air that offered to me. Yeah, while im saying it out loud there some reserved values yet to be portray…

Good nite my dear blogs… as I find you are my real friend who derive me from being tight lips to someone who can just talk about anything in life…

Plans, Goals and Hope-2006

Penna: Farmie
Released: 14^th February 06 (my sis bday!!)
Mood : Colourful

Today’s quote:

Don’t think I wont turn around and bite you head off just because I’m nice… and don’t mistake my niceness for stupidity.. J

Love letter awaits me as I arrive in the office last Wednesday. Penalizing on something that was not done by me and leads to many things. It happens every year when she needs to pay out for bonus and increment. The hell im going to take it easy this year. You want to eat me up? Wait till I bite your ass.

Mind is tested and jeorpadising my emotions. While best friend is facing the same facet of scenario I once went through few years back, the most I can do was just be there to listen. I’ve said enough, I don’t want to be blamed for another time. She may throw me out of her life for giving a view but at the end of the day the decision was hers fully. To listen or not, it was not my goddam problem.

The example was there for everyone to see, to learn and just to get the best out of it. Bidding my last word to her before Maghrib after a series of yelling on my ears.

I still can hear it till now…”stop nagging and stop telling me what to do”. “Well then just stay there even if you’re beaten to death. If you can’t live without him then just listen to him”. And so I was quite since then. I’ve told you a year ago. I’ve asked your guts whether would you have a patience to be seconder. I’ve asked you whether would you be ok to accept him only when he is there with you and when he is with her would you focused your mind to be only to you and your kids. Failed!! You failed!! But again it was your choice, when you yell at me, when you throw me out as friend, I just smile and walked away. Eventually I said you will realize and come back. If it is not to say sorry but for the essence of the friendship. Finally, yes you did and you admit it. Well I never speak for you, I speak for myself. By putting myself in your shoe and feel what I should be in when I was there and then makes me said what I’ve said. Best example when I give the advice of the courage to be a second hand. And when another friend of mine said it was over, I just shrugged my shoulder off. Told her too and well she took the challenge. Patience and respect plays a good role in life to be in a good relationship.

Now back to my love letter. I was called by her to voice out what’s my next plan in achieving my goals and keeping the company at the same wavelength of mine. Enclosing myself to me when I sat down telling her about progress of work and my plans and goals.

I was in a mess, but nothing jeorpadising my work to be specific. She is running away from paying. That I noted from year to year. I called Ida from Jabatan Tenaga Rakyat for advice. Sat down with her to hear her on what should I do next. To my relieve that I was actually backup by labour law. The only thing now is whether I should do it. Yes, with my health condition and benefit for hospitalization was not set accordingly. My appointment with my doctor is soon to be finalize should I do it in Melaka or KL.

Was money my problem? No, its more on my children. Should I be bedded for few days, who is going to look for them. Although I have found someone to look after them but would I be ok when I’m away from them that long.

I need to learn to be away from their smells, their nottiness, the yellings, the biting session and all the good time around them. One day they will go away, to further study, to be on their own, to be with their love ones.

Its hurting to see how the people in the office work, where they put aside the family values just to be encapsulate with their work. Neglecting the feelings of the kids and those closed to them. How the passion of work embrace them within the office itself not noting the time they should be resting and to be with their family. No, I cant be like them. I was once neglected, I was once have ceilings, walls and floor as my talking mate. I won’t let my kids go through the same scenario.

I know how hard parents are to make sure we have everything in life. From there I learn how to set aside the 24 hours for each and everyone. Learning process will never fade from individual who is willing to learn.

Now I’m setting my mind to be firm with my workplace. I’m not going to say yes while I have to say no. No more giving in while I shouldn’t. I should change myself and shouldn’t change others. Never expect anything in life but strive for what I want. God will, it will come, insyallah. Now I know why I’m being betrayed, because I allow them too. How? Too kind to be cruel? Or was it the vows that I make. No, be nice all the time, payback time is not in my hand. Eventually it will come, if it is not from me, surely good is for it kindness, pain for cruelty. He knows better than me.

“Live Goes On says Lee Ann Rimes”

Something to Think and Ponder

Penna: Farmie

Released: 150206
Mood: Curious

I’m not sure why I’m pondering around in this topic so much… was it because of what happenings around me, or I soon to be or I want to be… I find it so significant to daily lives in KL. No body can run away from being a second wife nowadays??

Looking at my status and lifestyle being the only wife does not amuse me. To be there for him all the time, waiting for him to comeback all the time is not in my head anymore. I have angels to be with while he is not around. Best for me i guess now is for him to be back only as and when he likes it, to love and be loved, to nurture and care vice versa and most of all for me to respect him as my leader, husband and also a man in my life... I dont want more than that. Money that can feed him, me and angels and perhaps another saint or angel of his n mine... Yes ... another seeking solace moment required for me to be with my creator again

Petikan Datin’s Blog:

In KL, it appears that the all-important first marriage (which everyone pretends will be the only one) has to be thought through carefully, with consideration given to all factors except one - whether the two people getting married actually love each other. "Oh, they'll learn. Budak lagi, mana dia orang tau? Love doesn't last anyway."

Don't snicker. It's true. People say these things.

Three years later, one of two things happen. Either wife from influential family leaves, or they continue with the marriage, each probably having their own, individual love interests.

In the first case, often times the wife joins the burgeoning upper-middle class cache of career-minded women who are hunting for recycled richer men in KL's hot spots. Just as an aside, things happen in reverse one rung down the social ladder. For the middle and upper middle class, the first marriage is all about starry-eyed love. The second, is the more calculated, economically-inclined variety.

Anyway, so wife joins these women in the hunt for something good. Only between her and her new friends, they are probably looking out for each other's husbands. The rich girl wants someone to love, and the not-so-rich girl wants someone to love her. Faham?

Meanwhile, back at the newly-acquired bachelor pad, the husband of rich wife goes on a born again single spree, accosted by and endless stream of twenty-something year olds who will eventually cost him lots of money. Odds are pretty high he ends up either marrying one of those or someone-just-as-respectable-as first-wife, which causes the whole rigmarole to begin again.

In scenario number two of first marriages, the husband has multiple affairs or a mistress, while wife, if she doesn't do the same, throws herself into the world of salsa, jual kain batik, some high-browed Amway style sell and tell network that peddles caviar facial creams, or God.

Comment from anonymous whos father who had few wives:

alah semua ni memang betul.. Even if you say it to our children or not.. I know my father is one of these men you're talking about and my mum has to suffer.

But after 3 wives, my father refuses to divorce my mum and keeps torchuring her and in turn they torture us..

Some Malay men are really good for nothing Muslims. How do they expect their sons to be good husbands when they treat their wives like shit.

First wives often have to stick with these "poor" men to climb up the steep ladder of life in the beginning, kalau tidak derhaka. But when the husband has reached the top of the ladder, he goes and looks for another lady to satisfy his needs sebab the first wife, dia dah boring dengar all her advise which he calls nagging by now.

I wish these men who are successful will put themselves into the 1st wife's shoes before reacting. After all in the Muslim religion, the husband is suppose to "didik" the wife..

In other anon thoughts:

At 9:55 AM, Anonymous said…

It is very enjoyable reading your blog. It is so down to earth and what you have written shows your experience in life where money cannot buy.

At 10:41 PM, swan said…

It is sooo true, rich girl wants someone to love while the not so poor girl wants someone to love HER!!!...

marriage is nothing more than having someone to 'witness' your existent.

But I am marrying my husband simply because I am soo in love with him and the comfort that he provides. His whole assets is a bonus

my late mother always said, 'look after yourself and live like a queen, after all the queen could never live like you'

At 8:17 AM, Anonymous said…

I agree with Anonymous 8.00 pm...initially, your blog entries were insightful thoughts (with some depth) and an interesting peek into your Datin life.

Lately, all you've been writing is drivel which has now spiralled into shallow, stereotyped, thoughtless, self-glorifying crap that I wonder whether you wrote the earlier posts yourself.

Unlike others, I find the "oh, you're scaring me" posts refreshing (or anything else than the gushing, simpering adorations you are feeding on day to day). I hope that the Samy Vellu's gang make a return soon to inject some reality into your self-created hallucinations.

Carrie Bradshaw you're not! And that self-pitying stance is SO stale.

I am for what I am

Penna : Lyna

Released: 120206
Mood: Defensive (:-)))

A friend said i was actually taking advantage on people. Well i always ask myself fm time to time whether i am like what they say. For now it does not really matters anymore. Ill just do what i have to do. The rest of it let them talk, think or judge as for whatever they feel. "I was defensive" i was told too hahhahaha. Again sometime it takes me to think of how or what people see in others. I care less now, im back to work, im back to focus and im back in track of galivanting my life as i once did. Sharing every bit of it fairly with my family, friends, kids and sibling accordingly.Well now i will be defensive of what i said, i do and i will take charge of all actions. Insyaallah if i cant excell in my career this year, im looking forward for next steps which ive put aside long ago. Its time to catch up with friends again. Few sets of friends which are good in each sets of industry, level, and that always willing to share and participate.

Peeping or Lurking

Lynna
090206/ 11.19am
Quizicall

Suddenly it pops up my mind when i think about last night gatherings..

what would you do if his eyes keep on looking at you when you are not looking...

Q1. Was he peeping or taking a glance look at you?

OR

Q2 Was he lurking? His eyes lazying browsing you and quickly look at others when you look at him back?

What can you tell from there??? I just need opinion

Meaningless or Sacrifice

Penna: Farmie

Released: 050206 (12.27am)

Mood: Crazy

It is strange how a woman could strive for her happiness where she can denies her feeling just to keep the husband and family in order. How she can be in meaningless marriage just to sacrifice her own emotions to make sure the kids have father figure in their life.

Could that be wrong and difficult for a man to understand why she is still there for him and the kids after all the hard work and the struggles over the bumpiness along the journey of marriage? Where do they throw all the feelings, emotions, rational, values and sacrifices? Is that as easy as closing the eyes and the next morning there’s sun shining overhead?

How easy can one man say the words of letting his woman go in a split second? How easy can one man go through all the hard times over the first few years of marriage trying to make end meets?

There’s a lot of strong woman out there who can live in the hard way, the difficulties and be patience till slowly the pace became even. Many women nowadays refuse to remarry in due course knowing the needs of a man. How can one man accept other mans children openly without even thinking of what his new bride gone through together before.

Only those has gone through it would know and understand. Being a friend to my girl friend and seeing her sadness her of all that said and happen in front of me, I feel the contentment of being with my kids are for more better to try out for second marriage. How humiliated she could be when he asked her to dump her kids out of the house, while he shared all the things she paid all for herself. He just have to rub off his feet and come in to the house without paying anything and share all the joy and happiness. But refuse to share her troubles. What kind of male or species he is?

Can’t he think of that before he marry her? She was promised a moon and a star before she said yes to him but in the end she feel so downgraded, humiliated and most of all treated without any respect at all.

Respect plays a good role in one life. How did you gain respect? I believe respect is gain by respecting yourself in the first place. If you can’t respect yourself how can anyone respect you?

Yeah I’ve done a mistake in my life and that has really make me see and open my eyes to what had happen to me.

Trust? How do you gain a trust? Can it come to you easily if you don’t trust yourself? What happen if you trust yourself and you still can’t gain it from others? It doesn’t matter… To me if you believe in you what others can offer does not matter anymore. Strive for what you can win or what you can achieve, insyaallah god will hear you.

Again I’m thankful to all the confidante who had given me opportunity to learn and give me the courage to move on and motivate me to be the person who understood who I am today. I know what I want, I know what I believe and I know what I’m expecting tomorrow.

A fren of mine call me today to ask about my relations with a girlfriend. I told him we are ok so long she takes me as friend accordingly. It is all up to one individual to take me, respect me and understand me. I don’t impose enforcement, I don’t impose condition and I believe if I take you as what you are, you are what you are. You wouldn’t be what you are as what I want. That is wrong conception of a friendship.

Friendship should not be based on what you lay out. Friendship should be based on trust and honesty. If you can’t be honest ant trust what you can give to her/ him then it is not friendship.

If you come to her/ him for a reason then it will not work because, love/ relationship/ friendship comes unconditionally.

God send us to this world without any condition. He lay out the rules, we as his follower read his law and should practice it because he has reason why he is having such rules. Why woman must abide her husband beside him? So that woman just don’t go to anything/ anywhere to make them as their leader or the important person.

Why such things happen accordingly in life? Look back deep in you. Bring your thoughts or mind to tackle the problem. Should it happen if you don’t do this and practice that, should you do that and don’t practice this would this problem arise? Look at one problem in depth. Find the root. God has its way of managing things in this world. We are given the precious thing while the animal don’t. So with that brain we are suppose to use in, practice it, rationalize it and be smarter as human being. Because he has granted us more than one thing that animal shouldn’t have. That’s the only thing makes us human different from them.

But nowadays human tends to be similar like animal. Why? When has it gone wrong? What has it takes to be like them? We refuse to think more but take the shortcut and do the final way. Was it worth. Ask this question before you do it. Good nite folks, think, reflect and be objective…

Contempelative moods…2.17am