Happy Mama's Day!!!

Category: MySpace

Penna : Lynna
Released: 14^th May 06 (in conjuction to Mothers Day)
Mood: Happy

Happy Mothers Day to all mothers. To every women in the world, Budi dan Jasamu dikenang semua sepanjang hayat.

My special thanks to dearest Leen, whom the first in the day sending me her message and wish at 9.56am whereas last year, 08^th May 05 same time I receive the same message from Exit. A wish came from a family whom deserve and appreciate both role as important to each other. CONGRATULATIONS TO BOTH OF YOU.

Indirectly giving me a message and a note where husband and wife in a family cannot disregard even a small moment of time in their life, which are shared.

To them my special thanks and wish, may god blessed and grant them all the happiness and joy in their life.

To other couples who are still happy and still so very much in love, CONGRATULATIONs. Though there is so much of testament from god but the understanding, the caring, the love will keep all of you going. Moga ALLAh sentiasa memberkahi dan memperkenankan keinginan anda semua.

To my dearest children , I love you all ... your warm embrace, your warm thougths and your warm love will always keep me going... I may not be the perfect mother but I'm always there for you...

Hakikat Insan

15^th may 2006 – 12.30pm

Penna: Lynna
Released: 15th May 2006
Mood: Cranky

Semakin hari aku menjadi semakin tamak. Kata setengah orang nak berjaya terpaksa ada sifat itu dimana sifat yang berlawanan dari aku. Pemurah dan tamak adalah satu sifat yang berlawanan. 7 sifat yang dilaknat yang boleh membawa kepada kehancuran jiwa adalah, amarah, tamak, hasad dengki, khianat, nafsu, riak, (sorry tak ingat satu lagi).

Kerana pengalaman semalam mengajar aku supaya tidak menjadi seperti lembu yang dicucuk hidung. Tanpa diminta aku sentiasa menghulur, berfikir bahawa kebaikan akan sentiasa menjurus kepada kebahagian. Tapi tidak semua mereka berfikir seperti apa yang kufikir.

Jika aku fikir kesempitan mereka harus ku lebarkan, kekusutan mereka harusku huraikan dengan harapan mereka tahu apa yang sepatutnya dilakukan oleh mereka padaku adalah sesuatu yang salah.

Mereka tidak boleh menjadi aku dan aku tidak mungkin menjadi mereka. Tidak semua mereka mampu sentiasa memberi, tidak semua mereka mampu sentiasa mendengar, tidak semua mereka berbesar hati. Hanya SATU yang bisa melakukan untukku. HANYA DIA.

Aku berperang dengan sifat sebenar. Aku masih lagi menyimpan segala sifat yang dulu. Sukar untuk aku menukarnya. Apabila aku tersedar yang aku semakin tamak, aku terpukul olehnya. Aku jadi amat sensitif. Aku menjadi amat terpenjara dengan keinginan dan harapan.

Semakin ku usir sifat itu semakin ia hampir padaku. Semakin ku jauhkan diri darinya semakin kusengsara. YA ALLAH kenapa aku diuji lagi. Apa yang ingin kau beri padaku lagi selain dari fitnah, nista dan caci maki mereka.

Jauhkan dirinya dari ku YA ALLAH. Tidak aku tak mahu hanyut dilautan nafsu, tidak mahu tergoda oleh amarah, tidak mahu terbuai dek riak, tidak mahu, tidak mahu…Sempurnakanlah pekertiku seperti kau sempurnakan rupa parasku YA ALLAH.

“You got to changed in order to be perfect, after all you are only human”… my confidante told me once… “Just be yourself” another said… “Just do what you want to do farm”… my third confidante told me… In complete words” Its only me who knows what, who, where, what, why, when I want, need in my life”…

Mereka yang berada disekelilingku tak pernah meninggalkan aku tanpa sebab kecuali satu, dua atas sebab yang tidak dapat mereka elakkan atau dengan disengajakan… Setelah membaca Ten Rules of Life aku memikirkan dengan mendalam. Hanya aku yang tahu apa yang terjadi, mengapa ianya terjadi dan yang pasti kerana keputusan dan pilihan adalah milikku maka dengan itu ianya terjadi..

Redha menerimanya adalah satu kemudahan untuk meneruskan hidup… Disamping menjadi rasional dan emosi yang dikendong aku menjadi pemikir yang fanatik sekarang.

Mengapa aku memilih menjadi yang kedua, mengapa aku tidak mahu menerima lamaran dia, bukan satu tapi dua, bujang maupun yang beristeri. Apa mauku memang diketahui tetapi melaksanakannya perlu ketabahan, ketaqwaan dan niat yang betul.

Aku cuma ingin sedikit waktu kerana tanggungjawabku keatas empat amanah tuhan itu amat besar diatas bahuku. Ya benar bukan aku tak boleh berdiri atas kaki ku tetapi sebagai insan dan sebagai manusia aku memerlukan teman yang boleh berkongsi minda dan hati, jiwa dan raga. Bukan semua atas dasar nafsu, kerana amanah tuhan itu perlukan seseorang untuk membimbing mereka. Bukan mengatakan walinya tidak mampu tetapi sebagai seorang perempuan yang muhrim bagiku adalah sesuatu yang perlu ku kukuhkan disini.

Benar, kawan banyak disekelilingku. Aku boleh bergurau, aku boleh bertanya, meminta tolong tetapi ada beberapa perkara aku tidak boleh berkongsi dengan mereka dan aku perlukan seseorang yang dekat denganku. Memang banyak andaian yang mereka boleh pertikaikan tetapi hakikatnya pilihan ku ini adalah kerana aku yang menginginkannya begitu.

Aku tahu ia nya adalah satu situasi yang amat sukar untuk keduanya kerana pilihanku itu bukanlah yang akan menyenangkan aku dari segi wang ringgit, status, stabiliti tetapi seseorang yang mengerti dan yang pentingnya menyayangi aku seadanya. Mungkinkah itu terpenuhi? Hanya allah saja yang akan memberi jawapannya.

Adakah aku meminta lebih dari seorang lelaki, suami, kawan, khalifah? Itu semua adalah sifat lelaki yang perlu mereka sendiri dalami. Mungkin kini mereka akan berkata seorang perempuan itu cukup untukku tetapi DIA dan DZATNYA lebih mengetahui mengapa yang tersurat dan tersirat mengatakan lelaki boleh mengambil empat perempuan untuk dijadikan isteri dalam satu masa. Sejauh mana lelaki maupun seorang perempuan itu menghindarinya, tiada siapa yang dapat melarikan diri dari taqdirnya.

Aku memberi diriku satu jangka masa untuk dia dan aku belajar, mengerti, merasa, mengimbangi antara satu sama lain. Ia tak mungkin tercapai jika hanya seorang saja yang mau memahami dan mengambil inisiatif yang diperlukan. Apabila waktu itu tiba di waktu itu juga akan ku tanyakan semula, kusuarakan lagi, dan soalan yang bakal menentukan layakkah kau memimpin aku adalah dimana letaknya DIA didalam DIRIMU dan dimanakah letaknya AKU disisimu…

Setiap yang berada disekelilingku adalah cermin yang bakal membalikkan siapakah aku itu. Dengan itu aku harus belajar mencari siapa AKU dan dimanakah DIA dalam diriku. Ilmu insan dan ilmu ikhlas yang perluku dalami untuk menjadi insan yang redha menerima diri ku seadanya….

19.56pm

Decision or Choice?

Category: Hope, Goals & Plans

Penna: Lynna
Released: 10th May 2006 (in conjuction of Shira's bday)
Mood: Mixed (Thanks to Shiras loving embraced to wiped my tears)

Abang,

;-)

I keep this very long because I love it very much, but then its time to let it go because of the love I keep for it. And the recipient happens to be you. Its nothing important actually just some souvenir that you can keep, should I am not here with you again.

This time will not be like the last where we would be just fading away from one another without any solid reasons. Perhaps by now you know what I want, what I need, what I expected.

I know, I could never get as much as I wanted because the real me wont allow me to take you away from anyone. Will never do that unless you would want to prove me that I am worth for you to be with.

But then again im sure you wont be able to let go of them for me, because the future of being with me is unseen. While, what you capture and have with them was already blessed with joy and happiness. Though there is something not right but the joy will have already overcome any sadness in your life now.

Something in future that we can’t predict and see is already there in the book of fate. Trust in HIM, for all the hardwork done will be paid sooner or later.

Perhaps mistake was not there before but I am learning my lesson of what, why and reason for choosing you or a married man to be with. But more n foremost was the passion for kids that makes me fall immediately for you again after 15 years.

Yes, you raised a question of our togetherness before whether I enjoy being with you. Part of me saying I do, another half saying I shouldn’t. And yes I did it, because I really want it and it happens to be you.

My nights goes by, thinking of what can we achieve after this. On your side, it wont be as much as mine as I have gone through lots of hell in my life. But it never makes me give up on life especially when it comes to my children. WILL NEVER DO.

I don’t know why am I tested as such but im sure HE knows better than I do. And HE knows what best for me and you. If things doesn’t goes well with us, one thing I want you to know, please don’t offend me and make me feel that you have used me to the extend that you’ve gotten what you have not taken before. What have I left before for Zahar, what have I made him to be for now, what has he taken from me, what has he left for my children was so much of pain and sweet memoires. Only HE should know what to give in my later life, insyaallah.

Most people said I am not grateful enough when I am granted with something in my favour. I took them for what they are, may it is just the way I should take because when I really wanted to have them in my life they will turn around me and leave me. In your case im not sure when, where, will there be or not. As much as I wanted to make you mine, the other side of me saying “do I not felt for her feelings, do I not feel for your children, do I not feel for your family?”. Why am I so selfish, greedy and selfcentred? While there’s many men aching to have me, keep on continuing asking me in their hand of relations or marriage but then again,, heart can only answer to one and can only take what I’ve open up for.

The day I said yes to meet you again was the day that I regretted till now, for if I don’t see you, it will not sparks again neither to you nor me. Why did you want to come back to me, to renew, to continue? You have so many reason for that you said but never one ever heard to my ears. Never!!!

You know that I will be haunted for the rest of my life of the action I took for calling you again after so many years. Why did I look for you when I know you never make an effort to do such? Why it is always the question I asked to myself than to get it from you?

You, you would never talked! You would never say it. I think now I know why I fade away from your life last time. You know why??? Because I never had an answer to my question asked to you. You prefer to sealed it within you, you prefer to keep silent and watched me from far. You rather sulk and let me pick the wrong guy and cry for the rest of my life. Can I blame you for what happened?? Am I being fair to you?

Did you ever asked yourself what did I get so far after I come back to you? Yes, you did ask me “didn’t I love you, didn’t I make time for you? Didn’t I create a space for you?”. Put yourself in my shoe like I always did to be you. You know how guilty I am to be there as you? You know how much I felt for her and how much I felt for you when you have to lie when you are with me. You know how much I wanted to run away from that situation? You know that I am strong enough to overcome all the feelings I have but do you know how much I cried all day, all night to feel better and to tell myself I am not doing anything wrong as I am fated to be in it.

No! I was wrong I have a choice and I can decide but why am I taking this path to lead my life now? Why did I not let it go, and continue with my life with others. It is very difficult to decide although I have a choice. Cheerish the love we had, cherish the love, you know its not easy. It is taxing you and nurturing love has to come within us. As much as I tried to do it everyday but you know I still felt for her.

Someone said this to me:

“Don't mix your feelings and her feelings. Your predicament is not the same as hers. She had her chance. You will have yours too. Everyone had equal chance to prove their worthiness in this world. The terms and conditions are different for you both.

You have to decide for your life and he has to decide for his. But if he's not man enough to decide, don’t let it spill into yours. Give yourself a time frame. If he doesn’t make the move, then you need to. Only for what matters in your life.

Don't over-analyze! Take things at face value and accept what is fated to you. You cannot run away from takdir; it will keep chasing you. If it's meant to be, if not with z or naz, it will be someone else.

Most importantly, this is your life and give yourself some respect. You are not starring in some Hindi/Bollywood movies, so dont try to sacrifice your life for the sake of others. No awards for being a sacrificial lamb!!”

I should not take her feelings into my consideration as I should . I shouldn’t be feeling for her or even for you. I should be taking my chances accordingly as that is what HE has for me. Otherwise HE wont be making us meeting again.

Abang,

Till now I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how much I can still survive loving you in your way. My way will be faded if I am not shown or proved that I am worth or important in your life. Yes I am feeling insecure, yes I am feeling inferior but for the integrity that I should be having to feel worth by loving you is in your hand.

If I ever asked so much from you, please don’t hesitate to let me know. I’ll just be a shadow in you life. Very near yet so far, far but yet just as close to you. In my heart theres HIM to make known to me that you are very close and near to me all the time ever since you need me.

But I need some assurance that I am worth for to be there for you… lets just see whether you are strong enough to decide and making your choice. A constant change in life is something that we have to adhere in getting what we want. In that case, come what may and I am not hesitating to turn around should I need to do that again one day…

As much as I wanted you, I just want it clear and real and never again assuming, predicting and hoping… I hope my statement is clear and delivered to you. As to how are you going to achieve, I leave it all in your hand and to HIM. I’ll pray day and night for HIM to give me courage and strengths to get me through if it is really meant for me HE will give it to me no matter how pain, sour and hard is it going to be…

Your Honey bunch…

Untamed Melody

Current mood: weird
Category: Life & Bitching (Thanks for the caller who just put down the phone)

Penna: Lynna
Released: 040506
Mood: Evil

Men are selfish, greedy and selfcentred!!! One of my male chatter told me when I brought a subject of being a leader in life. HE proudly confirmed it in due course after seeing, experiencing those around him nowadays. They are born leader and carries heavy responsibilities in this world, in this universe.

Why this subject was brought?

Owh he was glad to see me again online like usual although nowadays was like only when I have the feel to be around or to talk to some people. He was asking me whether I had my tube tied, so for me to enjoy without worrying to have a baby. Hahhaha was he talking to wrong person or company im not sure!

For me to have a baby was always a dream day and night. It has been 8 years since my twins. Again I reminded him only when I found a right husband and only if the guy wanted to have my baby of course I love to smell, to feed, to carry and to borne them to this world. Crazy craving needs. Can I have a baby without a man? Just like Maryam when she is carrying Isa. But I know im not the selected one, so lynna dont dreams ok.

Why is he saying men are selfish, greedy and selfcentred? Its his own opinion where man are born as leader. Men are granted by god with great mind to reach, guide, and lead his women, families and life. How to be successful, how to tame her, how to make her understand or to be par with her it is also a package in him.

Why men fails are also his fault and not the women. They choose the path that they wanted to be. It was their responsibilities to teach the women of his life in order to make their life successful. To make her as a good supporter, to boost his motivation, to cheer him, to feed, to feel for him, it is all in men hands. But as a good wife, women give all their blessings and support from the back. No matter how much men stray around with other women, she is still there trying to mend things and work things together to make it work towards the end.

Im not saying all men are bad but I do agree with my friend when he said, it was men responsibilities to feed her with ilmuan to teach her and make sure things goes smoothly. What I dont agree is when he said women shouldnt be blame if it fails. It was not a followers fault if one marriage failed. Its the leader who is supposed to take charge. Why should a man look at other women while his women never do has intention to look at other men. While men feels good to have the attention and having a needs to be having a scandal, the women seek solace in god to show what is the best way to be in the good path with him.

Loyalty in women is undeniable but yes to some extend there are women who are not. Manipulators, razor blades, chicky, opportunist, perfectionist etc, they are those who are successful in dominating men in their own way. Those who knows what real woman responsibilities are often abused mentally and physically to adapt to men rules of thumb.

For those men who knows whom, what they really are will always back up in the first place when they know or when they smell trouble are ahead of them without hesitating.

Women are the powerful weapon when it comes to tame or make them stumble down. Women always knows how to make em fall (vice versa) it takes one hell of a woman to do it, and the courage in her are often recognize as a bitch, manipulator or invader in his life, marriage, families, friends and foes. For that nomination award for the best bitches in the universe should have.

11pm 080506

Simple Rule of Life....

Category: Life, Goals and Hope

Penna: Lynna
Released: 3 0^th April
Mood: Bezerk…

Reading, cooking, eating, entertaining and thinking is as much as I can do for this few days in conjunction with the long holiday. The teatime with Yati and Eza was good on Saturday over the heavy rain in Naili’s having cucur bilis and coffee. Chat friends from Sg. came all the way to have a conversation face to face after communicating mostly on internet. It went very well and beautiful. Thanks for sharing the enjoyable evening.

Later I took them to Petaling Street for their shopping spree retreat where Simone was waiting to take over. I head home for next plan. I was tired, lazy and aimlessly looking over the nite. Thought still pacing with lots of things but to no direction and nothing to effect my daily amusement.

Theres no feel for the day. Damn… about 12am then the feel is there, to on the music slowly enjoying the quietness and the rhythm of the night. Anuar Zain with Belain Jiwa, Rossa with Tegar, Sheila on 7 with Berhenti Berharap, Broery Marantika with Biarkan Bulan Berbicara, Gun N Roses with Sweet Child is Mine, Ning Baizura with Awan Terpilu, Marc Anthony with My Baby You and the list goes on till I retreat to the bedroom with Amani, Eiman, Shira and Liyana.

It was not the sleep that I’ve always waited. In between the sleepless mind and awaken thoughts I closed my eyes till the familiar ringing tune came inviting my smile. With a lazy hello, I greeted him with a question why at 2.30am he need me to talk to him while he should be in his fantasy or lala land.

“I teringat kat Shira!” erk, shira? “And why calling me?” I said…

“Suddenly I remembered her face and her gesture when she greet me whenever I come over”

Shira has always knows how to tackle someone close to me with her aura and attitude. Creating attention and her own persona and way. I know she craved for dad’s love but then it shouldn’t be going to anyone or just everyone. But I noted, if that someone was not close or even near to me, she is more being protective than giving or creating attention.

Was I needing a man to support my children? I heard someone said that. While he was the one trying to get my attention and using my kids to get to near me, then it was twisted the other way round. Men!!!

Was I using my children to get them? Neh, I don’t need that and shouldn’t be. I have my own way, to get in, to slip out, to tickle in, to get out etc. What I have to do was just enlighten myself and not to be so serious with anyone I meet, give myself in a little bit and with my charm and personality. He will be mine. But I have problems with my heart. Difficulties to accepting just everyone in between the space I have was hard. Countless time I tried to try to give in, creating the space for them, or even just to give a time for the first date, its difficult.

When kids subject was brought to me, I took time to answer and explain. Should there is a chance, time and hope insyaallah… I as always wanted to carry, to smell, to feed and to love a baby again. Who with? Definitely with someone who loves me, someone who would like to share my life, my soul and destiny with me. When? When only I am permitted to have the chance, the space and time to be a new mother again. Insyaallah… I would love to…

I got affected with something or someone I know long ago or has been there for long or known them as and when we met. I take time to learn about people, to accept people, to give in to people.

When he came back to my life, when he started to say “I love you” countless time a day, I was just smiling hearing those words. I know I was not being fair for not returning to him but its just difficult to say without a feel.

Time after time I’ve been asking myself was I really still have the feel for him, although I was before and eventually, it came back seeping slowly, languorously, pacing and dancing my mind, heart and soul.

Loving the tenderness, the care, the attention, the passion, the affection and compassion. Pure and passionate was what I felt towards him. The feel that I kept. Although I was hard, rough, playfull but then again I would say to know me is to love me. A window to my heart is a window to my soul.

People love and hate honesty at the same time. Why? Because they can’t find where they belongs to. Love and destiny can’t get along while love acquires lots of pain but destiny acquires lots of passion. In life we can’t have all at once. Its either one. I learn to accept what comes and don’t ask much but always be thankful for what I’m given and granted. HE knows the best for me, you and everyone…

Time spent with the kids for 3 full days was excellent, beside having Hafiz, Shafikal and Shafizi everyone of them was enjoying each others company while I was enjoying my day with T.

Holiday was only spent indoor not outdoor like I used to be before. Its merely because of my health condition, body resistance was not like the days before I went through the operation.

I feel like beaten up, sleep was never normal, and I get tired easily while body was bloated with wind and water. Once I get back to normal, I’ll have to work it up again like those days before hopefully. Insyaallah…

12.20am

uNTukMu...

Category: Rythm & Music in Life

Penna: Lynna
Released: 020506
Mood: Blooming

Artist - Tajuklagu: Krisdayanti -

The Lyrics: Cobalah Untuk Setia

Apalah mau mu kasih
Kau pilih diriku di dalam hidupmu
Nyatanya ku lihat kini
Tak bisa kau coba untuk setia

Sudah cukuplah sudah
Ku memberikan waktu
Kau selalu tak bisa
Mencoba untuk setia

Korus:
Yang selalu kuinginkan
Yang selalu ku nanti
Kau coba tuk mengerti
Apalah arti mencinta

Dan kau harus sadari
Bila ingin bersamamu
Jangan coba kau ingkari
Cobalah untuk setia

Ulang rangkap pertama

Bridge:
Masihkah aku diinginkan
Masihkah aku didambakan
Masih ada waktu untukku
Bersamamu akanku jalani hidup

Broery Marantika - Biarlah Bulan Bicara

Artist : Broery Marantika
Song : Biarlah Bulan Bicara


Bulan sabit
Yang jatuh dipelataran
Bintang redup
Tanpa cahaya gemintang
Langkah tanpa arah
Sesat di jalan yang terang
Aku yang terlena dibuai pelukan dosa

Chorus:
Ingin pulang membalut luka hatimu
Ku pun tahu betapa pedih batinmu
Beri kesempatan atau jatuhkan hukuman
Andai maaf pun tak kau berikan

Air mata tulus jatuh di sudut bibir mu
Tak terlintas dendam di bening mata indah mu
Aku yang merasa sangat berdosa pada mu
Masih pantaskah mendampingi mu

Biar lah bulan bicara sendiri
Biarlah bintang kan menjadi saksi
Tak kan ku ulangi walau sampai akhir nanti
Cukup derita sampai di sini

LIRIK AWAN YANG TERPILU

Kerana cinta
aku kembara
bagai camar
melintas laut
mencari pohon
untuk berteduh

kerana cinta
aku kembara
ikut lagu
bisikan hati
mendamba kasih
paling setia

sepasang sayap
tak terlihat
umpama mimpi
yang tersimpan
jadi rintik
rintik hujan
menciptakan
awan yang terpilu

puisi ini
tercipta lantas
tak kesampaian
hajat meronakan
gelora rindu
ku kepadamu

ingin sekali
aku ungkapi
isyarat jiwa
dengan sempurna
biar kau mengerti
biar kau sedari
keadaanku
yang memujamu

Pain...

Category:Life

Penna: Lynna
Released: 280406
Mood: Blurr…

　

The muscle pull in my stomach came in constantly and continuously this morning. It is very obvious. I cant be depending on the pain killer because mine was not the normal one. Mine was the steroid type where only if I cant really stand the pain then I should take it.

My work finishes about 9.00pm yesterday. I had to excuse myself after I cant stand the pain at my lower back anymore. I consulted Dr today she isn’t sure of the cause but suggest I visit her next Friday. Dr Lina was saying it is not because of my surgery. It is the ergonomic pain which cause by sitting too long in the office. I was suggested to walk around more.

But what im feeling was the muscle pain could be because of sitting to long and its pulling the muscle around the surgery area. Pain the most felt on left and right at the scar.

On another hand my mind was still pacing on him last night after leaving my home he was crying again. My heart sunk… as much as I can hear but not the pain in him. “Sakit kat lutut nampak” I was quiet when he said that and then I hear the sob. He wasn’t into talking. He told me he wont be coming to see me last night, that makes me go and settle his application of maid alone. But in the midst of that he called he said he is coming and I ask him to wait for me at home instead. He was happy to have the situation of eating together while we can talk n joke around with everyone. Its so nostalgic. He sat around while watching TV feeling so comfortable and not wanting to go. I have to remind him of the place, my status and also how I wish he don’t have to go. Anyway its better than nothing at all. Eventually he left.

As soon as he reach home he called me. That was 1am, while he left at 11.30pm. The question is left unanswered. I want to let him do what he feels good and soothe his peace of mind.

14.07