One Love One Life

Category: Needs, Wants & Desire

Penna: Lynna
Released: 11^th May 2006
Mood: Sad

I was confused when I think of what had make me becoming like this. Me with the colourful life is so conflicting now. My mood swing changed every now and then. After 38 years of life only did I realized I am a very pampered lady. Like a small girl who whine and craved for attention at times. I would do anything to make sure I am attended in my own way. I always had a way. But the way of showing it now is wrong, I whine, I am being aggressive, I am being bitter, I am being hard, why am I turning to the other side of me.

I have lost that before once and now after so many years when I think about who has make me feels this way and when I found him again after that many years being silent in my way. Yes, he never did change in his way. He is still the quiet, unexpressive person that I know before. Now I know why I sulk and marry a wrong guy because of his silence.

Of my manner and demeanor, being happy go lucky, being bubbly, being smiley clown all the time now I know why I become those characters. I was hiding my real self in that personality. I am the one who always wanted to be sitting there overlooking at the horizon for a spot that connects between heaven and earth, between earth n sky, between reality and fantasy.

I am creating a space for myself to be somewhere that I don’t belong to. The space creation are just to fulfill my crave, my needs, my intention to be who I want to be. Although I have come to a phase that I am a survivor to an extend I have gotten just about anything.

Money, career, kids, family, love, pride, dignity, passion, compassion, lust, desire, fantasy and reality are all in a package of my life.

It has been so colourful and beautiful with rains and rainbow in between. Although sunshine sometimes was accompanied with thunderstorm but I am blessed and thankful that I am chosen to have experienced it all.

Perhaps its not time for me yet to reside and be happy ever after. My patience over my ex has paid when he now no longer come and harassed but realize that he has missed those part in life that irreplaceable. Neither do mine, I wont be able to be back in that situation and place, even if I could insyaallah I will never want to be there again. Even he has changed. Do changed for someone else but not me.

Today Stone came back with his lovey dovey words and his idea of getting near me to take me to be his wife. Lan keep on pestering me to come to Kuantan with him to start building a new path of relationship. Those stuff has been build within me but my heart can’t except you since the beginning. Reason being was just purely lust even with Mohd. Being second wife is one thing but coming to me for one reason was a bad idea.

Your package isn’t matching mine at all. Although all of you has solid financial background but your mental and solidity is not enough to convinced me that a leader are what you are made for.

I just want to be somebody who I can be with clean fun and no emotional bondage tied. I am emotionally bonded with someone I met, years ago, whom I was in love with before and still overwhelmed with his affection. Although I tried to erased that many times, waving him away from me but I know somehow I never did had a chance to show him I was in love with him, I was affected by his quietness, by his eyes, by his feelings in his silentness.

I made him feel guilty today by accusing and blaming him for picking the wrong path of life with his silentness once ago but then after I think about it again I was being selfish and never took ‘takdir’ that makes life such way and HE has made us meet again to renew the vow. I am somehow are the greedy, selfish and selfcentred idiot that makes his life miserable.

But I still love him though, still missing him and still wanting and needing him till this very moment. Although I can’t be there for him most of the time but I thought of him every now and then and think why HE meant it such way. In between difficulties, happiness, sorrow, joy and pain but my contentment is still there holding and enveloping him in my desire to own, to love and to nurture even I know the future is unpredictable. It is always in HIS hand to decide. Have faith lynna!!!

1.05am

Rindu

Current mood: calm

Ketelusan sebagai kekasih diragui…
Bagaimana aku meyakini
Kau juga jujur dan ikhlas? 
Jawapan itu tiada padaku
Kerana ia ada padamu. 

Harus aku meyayangi diriku.
Menghalusi diriku
Memahami diriku
Mengingini diriku
Memungkinkan diriku
Untuk dikasihi dan mengasihi...

Kubermula melihat kiri dan kanan.
Menilai yang terpandang dan dikejauhan… 
Impian demi impian ku jalin

Ku umpan mimpi agar ia hadir realiti.
Indah malam dengan bintang
Bercahaya dengan rembulan
Ditebaran awan biru. 
Indah tersenyum menawan
Dengan kedinginan malam.

Terlena aku
Dibuai mimpi
Diulit sepi….

Terjalar perasaan indah pabila tangan kasar
Membelai lembut rambutku
Menelusuri pundak
Menjalar kebelakang
Jatuh kepinggang 
Berhenti mengelitik sekitarnya 

Perasaan baru timbul
Di tiap inci tubuhku.
Perlahan naik semula  
Membelai lembut
Hangat darahku mengalir Keseluruh anggota
Hangat wajahku
Menahan gejolak rindu

Tersadar aku cuma bermimpi
Mimpi yang membawaku jauh kealam ilusi
Ilusi yang tidak bertepi
Ilusi indah cuma mimpi  

Yang hadir dikala aku rindu
Dicelah bait sepi
Dicelah rindu menggebu
Mengamit segala perasaan

Kemana kulontarkan perasaan ini
Hanya kerana kuperantau sepi
Hanya kerana aku terpenjara
Dipenghujung kasih

Sayang setelah perginya dikau
Aku kini tetap sendiri 

Bersama bayangmu
Bersama impian yang terlerai
Bersama rindu yang kecundang

Do or Don't

Penna: Lynna
Released: 18 May 2006
Mood: Edgy...

Love comes with PAIN
Dreams come with NIGHTMARES
Journey come with DESTINY
Life comes with FANTASY


Luxury comes with PRICE
Pride comes with PRINCIPLE
Dignity comes with HONOUR

Im in dilemma of which will be my next destiny
Love, pride, honour and principle...

*sigh*

18.03pm

Let it be...

Penna: Lynna
Released : 18 May 06
Mood: ......

Ada orang kata apabila perempuan itu diam dan tidak lagi mencari-cari bermakna hatinya telah pudar? Benarkah atau dia hanya mendiamkan diri kerana melawan rasa hati dan emosi.

Sometime it becoming a pensive, where good to have or its ok if its not there. Mute mood will be taken shortly and from there i will see whether it is a go or no go.

220506

"Hi handsome! Will you keep your heart just for me.... "
It takes him almost an hour to answer me. Now my action is going to be wait and see game. No more approaching. Ill ask once, twice and thrice and next is shut up!!!. ;-) im teaching my self now.

We talk, we bitch, and sometimes we did not realise we once did it, talk about it, or bitch about it. I call it human and we are never perfect creature. Glad i achieve something again today.

I know i am the very fast get bored type but i hold one thing at least to still keep it going. Lets just look and see!!!

17.02pm

Blogging...

Penna: Lynna
Released: 170506
Mood: Awake and Aware

16^th May 2006 17^th May 2006
Petikan dari pm box at 13.09pm
160506

It just got into my senses that segarang garang wanita, dia akan berlembut jika merasai yg dia tidak dianiaya selama husband dia ada org lain

so dear....2 choices for u....(1) hv both of them to go for counseling and see what happens (2) discreet marriage

Thoughts in between the day

Now I know why he is saying Im actually taking advantage over you. I was quiet hearing that statement and thinking at the same time. While he is in his deep thoughts along the journey back to KL.

It is very clear to me now why he said that. It was long planned. But again it happen because I allow it along the way. Without me knowing the real status, problem and situation. Yeah, it was confirmed that to me that he is actually playing with everyone with the game. But then it has got nothing to do with me because im just taking him as a passers by just like others, a fren indeed. Leave my den and dont come peeping or lurking, isnt that would be better for you without having pain.

My confidante called me this morning and keep telling me to be strong and dont think too much of what im facing. Its just a changing lane for me of having old age kekekkekeke I am old but not senile just as yet.

On the other hand
Two days was quiet without him to make me emotionally sensitive. Perhaps its much better to go on with life without special bondage attachment. 7 months without anyone around was so peaceful but when it come back lingering in my heart and thoughts it is too much to hold.

Anyway when im contented this way he became aggressively calling, and commanding me. Errkkkk. Commitment makes me pissed, so monogamous was really out of myself. Now I have to do my next plan how and manage myself with or without. What I dont need was just dont tell me what to do, tell me just tell me would do and I would think about it.

A boyfriend was pissed with me because he thought I could be a mediator but too bad for some reason it does not come out like what he thinks. I cant make other people to think like I do and wont be able to change myself to be others. All in all he said it was over and he doesnt know what was said to her and the situation at that time. I can be at any place level and situation but to make me be them, thats impossible. Everyone in this world has their own attitude and behaviour. For many times I was beaten by their words and make me swallowed and gulp for the poisonous words. Even my best fren did that only it was realized when it comes to her senses and she thinks rationally n not emotionally like when she shout at me there and then. At the end of the day, sorry was just what she can say. Forgiven yes but forgeting it is difficult. Though it is bitter but life has to go on and with that I make my move slowly and accordingly.

Im a fren who can listen and give my piece of mind accordingly to who I am and understand with my view. I respect every views and opinion. Whatever I can take I take, what every I dont want, I just put aside. Same goes to others take what you want and put aside what you dont need. I lead a simple life although its hard but I take it naturally. For those who still not satisfied, I couldnt care less. Why? I dont come to you in the first place, secondly verification made before meeting took place thirdly it is all up to you to decide for the choice is in you hand. Play your card well. Whatever it is now, I shall take mute action till im provoked.

Friends, i am still so in love with you with the treasure that i carried knowing you is the best and precious gift i had from HIM.

14.03pm

If life is a game, these are the rules

Current mood: accomplished

YOU WILL RECEIVE A BODY

You may love it or hate it, but it will be yours for the duration of your life on earth

Acceptance

I find that when we really love and accept and approve of ourselves exactly as we are, then everything in life works

Self esteem

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent

Respect

Your body is your vehicle for life. As long as you are here, live in it. Love, honor, respect and cherish it, treat it well and it will serve you in kind

Pleasure

It aint no sin to be glad youre alive

YOU WILL BE REPRESENTED WITH LESSONS

You are enrolled in a full time informal school called life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or hate them, but you have designed them as part of your curriculum

Openness

When experience is viewed in a certain way, it presents nothing but doorways into the domain of the soul

Choice

I will do strongly before the sun and moon whatever inly rejoices me and the heart appoints

Fairness

I cried because I had no shoes until I saw a man who had no feet

Grace

You nourish your soul by fulfilling your destiny

THERE ARE NO MISTAKES ONLY LESSONS

Growth is a process of experimentation, a series of trials, errors, and occasional victories. The failed experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that work

Compassion

The individual is capable of both great compassion and great indifference. He has it within his means to nourish the former an outgrow the latter

Forgiveness

To err is human, to forgive, divine

Ethics

There are no mistakes, no coincidences. All events are blessings give to us to learn from

Humor

It is immense importance to learn to laugh at ourselves

A LESSON IS REPEATED UNTIL LEARNED

Lessons will be repeated to you in various forms until you have learned them. When you have learned them, you can then go on to the next lesson

Awareness

Only that day dawns to which we are awake

Willingness

Life doesnt require that we be the best only that we try our best

REMEMBER:

WANT leads to CHOICE, which leads to COMMITMENT

SHOULD leads to DECISION, which leads to SACRIFICE

Causality

To every action there is always oppose and equal reaction

Patience

Be patient. Youll know when its time for you to wake up and move ahead

LEARNING DOES NOT END

There is no part of life that does not contain lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned

Surrender

Surrender doesnt obstruct our power, it enhances it

Commitment

Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.

Humility

And when you reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb

Flexibility

To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often

THERE IS NO BETTER THAN HERE

When your there has become a here, you will simply obtain a there that will better to you than your present here.

Gratitude

When you stop comparing what is right here and now with what you wish were, you can begin to enjoy what is

Unattachment

Perhaps the hardest lesson to learn is not to be attached to the results of your actions

Abundance

The richest person is the one who is contented of what he has

Peace

There is nothing to do but be

OTHERS ARE ONLY MIRRORS OF YOU

You cannot love or hate about another person unless it reflects something you love or hate about yourself

Tolerance

Everything that irritates about others can lead us to an understand of ourselves

Clarity

Once in a while you get shown the light in the strangest of places if you look at it right

Healing

Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity

Support

There are two ways of spreading light; to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it

WHAT YOU MAKE OF YOUR LIFE IS UP TO YOU

You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you

Responsibility

We have to accept the consequences of every deed, word and thought throughout our lifetime

Release

Learn to let go. That is the key to happiness

Courage

Courage is the price life exacts for granting peace

Power

There isnt a person anywhere who isnt capable of doing more than he thinks he can

Adventure

Life is either daring adventure or nothing at all

ALL YOUR ANSWERS LIE INSIDE OF YOU

All you need to do is look, listen, and trust

Listening

Consciousness is nothing but awareness the composit of all the things we pay attention to

Trust

Turst thyself, every heart vibrates to that iron string

Inspiration

In the midst of our daily lives, we must find the juice to nourish our creative souls

YOU WILL FORGET ALL OF THIS AT BIRTH

You cannot remember it if you want by unraveling the double helix of inner knowing

Faith

Faith is a gift of the spirit that allows the soul to remain attached to its unfolding

Wisdom

We dont receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us

Limitlessness

What we call results are beginnings

Guts

Category: Goals, Plans & Hope

Penna : Lynna
Released: 14^th May 06 (in conjuction to Mothers Day)
Mood: Mixed N Confused

Since the message came from dearest fren, I sit in the corner of my bed thinking of the situation I am having now. Torn in between my needs and want, torn in between him, torn in between the junction and dilemma I should take.

The constant pace in my life now giving me the hesitation of what I should do or decide the choice of mine. SHOULD I MAKE the decision or choice.

What happen to them and what I am advising was always a conflict in life of mine. How I gave them the peace of mind was always the situation I should rethink in my current situation. My present life and choice that I take to in being seconder to him has always making me a moody person, sensitive and selfish.

Thoughts after thoughts, reflection after reflection and the objective was not in my direction. I have to wait, wish, hope and plea to HIM. I did istikharah 10 months ago and I have the direction of what I have left before. I was glad and happy till I met Naz again few months ago.

Now in between love and sympathy towards him, her and his family and the most is for me, I am left without any answer. I know what I want, but I am torn. Not between two lovers, but torn with my inclinations, decision and choice. I took what comes, and I thought of the consequences, again im facing a dilemma. Although he knows I never pressured him, but the guilty feelings in me hurting me all the time and its affecting him where nowadays I never keep it inside me anymore. He doesnt want me to say things like that. I told him what I need to say although he dont like it. I have to, I never want to repeat my mistake again for not saying what I feel, what I want or what I need to do.

I was hurt by myself not him. Yes, he love me unconditionally, before, now and may be in future but me I have the doubts whether I should return the love like I did before. Yes, I still do love him before, now and will always do in my very own way.

Suddenly when I was in the small room I thought of this piece. A guts that a guy should have before marrying another woman while having a wife. Putting myself in his shoe of the needs and wants for him to be able to achieve and make sure it is safe in hand.

How would a man have those guts while I know man hardly have chance to voice out their feelings to his woman sometime. They find someone else to talk about it and someone who can listen and give an idea of what should be done or not.

I was there to listen, I was there to hear, I was there to give an opinion but when it comes to myself, I was shaky. In between what I should do, should I continue, should I stop or should I just let it flow. Slowly I am retreating myself from him, but the hardest it feels to say no should it comes to meeting him and avoid him. Why I still keep the feeling for him, and why I am feeling guilty? Why cant a woman love the man she likes, the man she love? No one can answer this question except him and her. It is not by how others judging them, look at them. It is how they feel for each other.

How woman with guts at time really make one world rocky, scary and shattered. Women are as strong as man, as bitch as a dog, as selfish as one can say but when it comes to yourself, only you would know.

Countless time I told him, he should let me go before time are very crucial for us and before the cuts goes deeper especially after she would find out whats happening between us, before she slashed me with her words like the two women before this.

Am always waiting for those moment to come again. Then this time I will give my piece of mind. My very own, up, close and personal why did I choose to be seconder. Was I being fair to myself, to him, to her or to other people. First and foremost is ME. Was I before, now and will I be?

NanaNaNa dont phunk with my heart says Black Eyes Peas, yes I am able to just turn around, wipe my tears and walk straight chin up n forget yesterday. I will be but after very much of thoughts. My finale! I would be your crying shoulder says, Goo Goo Dolls, yes, ill listen to you as I always do, with my word of wisdom you would be able to smile again. You have nothing to loose, none except my existence only. Am I not there all this while. Because of You, Because of you, I never stray too far from the sidewalk, because of you, I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt, Because of you, I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me, Because of you, I am afraid, because of you Ku Cobalah Untuk Setia, Kris Dayanti preying. Apalah maumu kasih, kau pilih diriku ini.

1.20am