Ikhlas

Current mood: thoughtful
Category: Blogging

18 Jan 2007
6.07pm

Definisi berbeza-beza dari setiap orang. Cara perlakuan, penerimaan dan penyampaian tidak sama. Dihati nawaitu ada tapi apabila dilaksanakan ia kadangkala tidak sampai ketahap yang dikatakan ikhlas.

Apakah ikhlas itu? Dimanakah terletaknya keikhlasan? Bagaimanakah caranya ikhlas itu dilaksanakan? Tidak dinafikan ianya sukar untuk ditentukan dan bagaimana ia dinilaikan.

Mendalami ilmu ikhlas bermakna mencabar kewibawaan diri, iman, taqwa dan minda. Namun jika benar ia datang dari hati yang luhur ianya pasti dilaksanakan. Dan hanya DIA yang dapat mentafsirkan keikhlasan sesuatu perbuatan, niat ataupun keinginan.

Bagaimana mencabar diri dengan ikhlas? Seperti menghulur tangan kanan dan menyorok tangan kiri. Memberi tetapi tak mengaku ianya dari kamu. Sukar untuk dipercayai masih ada insan yang melakukan ini semua tetapi sewajarnya kita tak tahu kerana hanya yang benar-benar ikhlas tidak akan menampakkan diri maupun menyebut apa yang dilakukan, diperbuat hanya untuk mendapatkan keredhaan.

Jelas dimata apa yang terpampang dikehidupan sekarang ini, keikhlasan semakin pupus. Mungkin dari cara penulisan ini anda juga bisa menilai. Tetapi bagiku dari sinilah aku belajar sambil mengingatkan diri kembali dari apa yang sepatutnya kulakukan.

Yang baik dari dia, yang buruk dari kita.
Nawaitu adalah milik kita, penghakiman adalah miliknya.
Wallahuallambissawab....

Rindu yang terlarang

8 Jan 2007

Menahan diri dari ditakluki ??? Tidak berjaya... Menakluki??? Belum cuba...
Semakin kupendam rindu yang terlarang semakin tidak mungkin. Ingin aku katakan padanya ada yang memerlukan kerana itu aku harus mendapatkan tapi tidak mungkin ia terluah.

Harus bagaimanakah aku. Teman sesuatu yang kau lakukan amat sukar untuk diterima akal dan minda tetapi itu yang aku maukan.

Tersungkam aku dalam keinginan yang tak sampai...

Boundaries in Relationship

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Current mood: awake Released: 090107 Mood: fine I.'ve been meaning to write about serious topics since i come back to work but nothing come to place and mind go bonkers when there is so many things comes popping. Early in the morning I was startled by a caller in myspace list who doesn't really knows my name and called for farm. Fine, it was me who picks up but it was not fine when I am given such surprise and was not give a respect in terms of setting or starting a frienship. Yes i called him from the office not wanting to give him my handphone number, and the purpose of calling just wanting to say hi and obliged to his invitation of being a friend. Connection or rather networking I should say and that makes me dialling his number. Upon that he called me hoping that I will give my number and my name to continue or prolong the relations. A set of boundaries was created in mylife to look after my interest in any circumstances. Be it in relationship, frenship, networking or rather personal wise. Why? Knowing what I want, where am heading, what to expect and so on makes me not to reveal some info at the very early stage of relation. Yeah the opening is there but time is always the measure of my relationship with anyone. Why because I dont want to cross a border of my own needs and want. Some people dont agree with me but I couldn't agree to what I dont want and not relevant to me. Too bad if they cant wait they have to move on. Back to him, in order knowing a person I do a background check nowadays. No longer touching the acceptance button immediately. I want to know more where would I be, when I let it happen and where its leading. I restricted everything now only on friendship not more nor less. Im in a third stage of rebuilding my life and I dont want to ruin everything that I've done almost 5 years ago. Tough and hard as steel I am now although mellowing with some emotions but sticking to the principal would do good to me insyaallah. I just need one thing this year as new year resolution. I want to be able to have trust and confidence in man again should I can and I should be able to convince myself. Otherwise the stability will make me comfortable of the status, position and be blessed of what I have now for me and my kids. It is all shown clearly by end of 2006. The action and reaction of what I have left 5 years ago with him which is not working and not convincing enough to make me able to respect and adore him still as a man who live with me for 10 years building a life as family. The answer is no no to him, I can be friend but to be back ermmmm..... Love which left as quote only can't build strong relation and now stagnant according to current situation. KIV, Naz said! No, it was not strong encouragement for me. Enforcement and working on the situation will do better for me to convinced that you are worth to be walking the path together but then again its in HIS hand. Im thankfull for that. Blessed that I can see it earlier before I go further indepths in my emotions. I shall leave till the right moment comes. No it never kills my love for him. It still grow but I cant live with love only. D has been consistently showing and proving despite of the rollercoaster life tantrum spells but he is still standing strong beside me, holding my hand but that I dont know for how long. Best man wins and I guess I have the answer as for now. Nope, its never enough and its hard pleasing me of all Ive gone through. I know its hard for em' to pace with my tune. Its all in their hand to prove my hypothesis is wrong and my analysis has to be revised. Im only human. The boundaries set within me to protect what I want and need. Im enjoying what I have now. To understand, to feel, to launch, to tickle, to linger, to crawl, to rant etc. It can go on and on and it will never end. But I love what I have, love whom loving me so much, admire some who has courage to set and go, salute who has courage to knock my door for an opening. All in all I am blessed to have you around me to set the colour of my life. Trying to put and play with the colours accordingly to suit current situation. Sipping sweetness of the taste being patience and passionate about whatever consequences I have to take. And perhaps or rather lastly to find the pair that suits the colours, situation and the bloody emotional me. I love you all. Farmie. 10.46am

Commitment

Current mood: chipper
Category: Blogging

Release:131106
Mood: Chirrpy

I need a peacefull mind and thoughts when it comes to life commitment. Its not an easy task to perform nor to understand what commitment is. I was asked many time for my commitment in partnering issue. Most of the time I ignore it because time has never arise and I always have doubts for that.

It worries me a lot shall I not able to deliver or theres so high expectation over me. I am just a normal human being who seem to make mistakes there and then. Even most of the time I avoid it but no I am not able to anymore.

There is a space in me needed attention to be addressed. I was avoiding my needs and want in terms of partnership because I think I won't be able to deliver and accept the hicups should there be again. I know it is wrong to think that way but I cant help it.

Things that happen infront of me are so clear and does not make me comfortable with it. My current situation soothe me in my comfy zone but people keep on came knocking and giving. Taking is one thing but to be asked to be considered and reasonably can fit into my space and zone within my kids, families and frens are rare. So I have to give it a thought.

One or twice trying to avoid it but it lingers round and round. With the constant pace and the way of showing it, I cant be denying and resisting it. I'm trying hard to pleased me and never let anyone do it.

But I guess its about time I want to be pleased. Sensing its coming and having it felt over me was the whole new experience whereby this time I dont have to do much. I show off my uneasiness, my anger, my temper, my jovial part, my moodiness and everything without having problems but to accept the pampering, the mannering and so forth. It tasted good but I always reminded myself. He is on heels over me now, wait till the feel is gone or wait till well... assumption, assumption, assumption he said...

Well if the assumption is going to make me thind million times before commiting, I love to do that then. First of all when I commit myself to consider and have that thought shared, it took few weeks for him to adapt it and come back to me with a statement "give me sometime to resolve this problems". Whereby beforehand I challenged him with so many questions and consequences and conquest him on certain situation which needs tough answers to be addressed.

"The answer is yes, easy and it can be tackled... so long you give me your commitment" he said...
All those said are bullshit!!! Testing me are you??? U'll end up freaking out.

After that I just take what comes. Testing me with so many surprise and he was surprised when whatever he presented was then turnaround by me. He manage it well. Infact he has his way. Somehow he pass some test and fail some but then again it is fair to say that he is trying to prove me that relationship is worth to think again.

As for now I will keep eyeing on certain things that I need to and make sure I have the precaution measure 'ON' everytime. Enjoying his company while I have R to refer and other friends to juggle with was a good experience. Meantime, he and me deserve a chance to try. And if it is not working, at least, I'd try and have the experience and fond memories of it to treasure for being his friend, lover and female companion.

645pm

Kisah si Tukang Kayu (A Mirror to Reflect)

Release:111106
Mood: Calm

Terpanggil untuk membaca junk email yang di cc oleh seorang teman dari negara jiran. Pendahuluan amat simple seperti tidak mahu meneruskan pembacaan. Seperti biasa aku melangkaui batas pemerhatian terus kepada isi tengah dan terus membaca.

Isinya amat ringkas tetapi semakin dibaca amat mengesankan. Satu cerita ringkas yang memberi imbasan keatas diri sendiri tentang tujuan kehidupan, arah/ erti dan pencarian dan juga noktah kehidupan.

Begini Ceritanya :

Seorang tukang kayu tua bermaksud pensiun dari pekerjaannya di sebuah perusahaan konstruksi real estate. Ia menyampaikan keinginannya tersebut pada
pemilik perusahaan.

Ia ingin beristirahat dan menikmati sisa hari tuanya dengan penuh Kedamaian bersama istri dan keluarganya. Pemilik perusahaan merasa sedih kehilangan salah seorang pekerja terbaiknya.

Ia lalu memohon pada tukang kayu tersebut untuk membuatkan sebuah rumah untuk dirinya. Tukang kayu mengangguk menyetujui permohonan pribadi pemilik perusahaan itu.

Tapi, sebenarnya ia merasa terpaksa. Ia ingin segera berhenti. Hatinya tidak sepenuhnya dicurahkan. Dengan ogah-ogahan ia mengerjakan proyek itu. Ia cuma menggunakan bahan-bahan sekedarnya. Akhirnya selesailah rumah yang diminta oleh tuannya.

Hasilnya bukanlah sebuah rumah baik. Sungguh sayang ia harus mengakhiri kariernya dengan prestasi yang tidak begitu mengagumkan.

Ketika pemilik perusahaan itu datang melihat rumah yang dimintanya, ia menyerahkan sebuah kunci rumah pada si tukang kayu. "Ini adalah rumahmu, " katanya, "hadiah dari kami." Betapa terkejutnya si tukang kayu. Betapa malu dan menyesalnya.

Seandainya saja ia mengetahui bahwa ia sesungguhnya mengerjakan rumah untuk dirinya sendiri, ia tentu akan mengerjakannya dengan cara yang lain sama sekali. Kini
ia harus tinggal di sebuah rumah yang tak terlalu bagus hasil karyanya sendiri.

Itulah yang terjadi pada kehidupan kita. Kadangkala, banyak dari kita yang membangun kehidupan dengan cara yang membingungkan dan kurang bertanggung
jawab.

Lebih memilih berusaha ala kadarnya ketimbang mengupayakan yang baik. Bahkan, pada bagian-bagian terpenting dalam hidup kita tidak memberikan yang terbaik.

Pada akhir perjalanan kita terkejut saat melihat apa yang telah kita lakukan dan menemukan diri kita hidup di dalam sebuah rumah yang kita ciptakan sendiri. Seandainya kita menyadarinya sejak semula kita akan menjalani hidup ini dengan cara yang jauh berbeda.

Renungkan bahwa kita adalah si tukang kayu. Renungkan 'rumah' yang sedang kita bangun.
Setiap hari kita memukul paku, memasang papan, mendirikan dinding dan atap.

Mari kita selesaikan 'rumah' kita dengan sebaik-baiknya seolah-olah hanya mengerjakannya sekali saja dalam seumur hidup.


Cheers,

Back in Peace

Released: 09 Nov 06
Mood: Calm

After a week break for Raya and a week off for company trip in Vietnam im back to office. My last Lucrin jab last 1st week November. Now my back ache and moods unstable. Eating habit not regular and consistent. Dad admitted yesterday and will be operated today. Have a chat with my brother yesterday with current situation after heated sms's two days in a row.

Ida broke a news of her visit to Mecca this year. Im glad she prompted me and reminded me of something that I always put on hold. Thank you dear friend. Sarah and Rozie called after so long break of not meeting each other while Lina keep on reminding me on Hari Raya gathering on Sunday. Planned to cook on Saturday nite but unfortunately not many people can turn up. Suddenly R shocked me with a question on her ex hb told her friend that Im getting married in December. I laughed and at the same time wondering who the hell of the story teller.

All in all Lebaran has just given me a new colours and beginning. The renewal was so good as I am enjoying every minute of it. Of course with some hicups but certainly the book of life change page each day.

Here are some picts that i can upload for all of you. All this beautifull pictures are treasured in my mind and soul as each corner in the world captured the beauty of the maker itself to make us fond of what we found along the way.

Back in Peace

Released: 09 Nov 06
Mood: Calm

After a week break for Raya and a week off for company trip in Vietnam im back to office. My last Lucrin jab last 1st week November. Now my back ache and moods unstable. Eating habit not regular and consistent. Dad admitted yesterday and will be operated today. Have a chat with my brother yesterday with current situation after heated sms's two days in a row.

Ida broke a news of her visit to Mecca this year. Im glad she prompted me and reminded me of something that I always put on hold. Thank you dear friend. Sarah and Rozie called after so long break of not meeting each other while Lina keep on reminding me on Hari Raya gathering on Sunday. Planned to cook on Saturday nite but unfortunately not many people can turn up. Suddenly R shocked me with a question on her ex hb told her friend that Im getting married in December. I laughed and at the same time wondering who the hell of the story teller.

All in all Lebaran has just given me a new colours and beginning. The renewal was so good as I am enjoying every minute of it. Of course with some hicups but certainly the book of life change page each day.

Here are some picts that i can upload for all of you. All this beautifull pictures are treasured in my mind and soul as each corner in the world captured the beauty of the maker itself to make us fond of what we found along the way.