Fading...

I'll write from my heart...
It's derive from my soul...

I hear the knock...
I hear the whisper...

I hear the noise...
I hear the buzz...

But im going to reside...
Far away from you...
Far away from friends...
Far away from reality...
Secluding myself...
In my den...
My space...
My zone...

Should i be missed...
Ill be there in your time zone...
Comfortable lingering in your mind...
Tickling your thoughts...
Till your smile shines and outburst...

18.51pm

Ache!!!!

Penna: Lynna

Released: 27^th Mar 2006

Mood : Tensed!!!!

My communication with Dr Harlina made me talk to Dr Thevi. I need to go through series of test and examination still which means I have to be there early.

It choked me! I need to go very early in order for things goes smoothly. Would that be ok? Theres too much of trouble you are going to take due to this. It hurts me when I have to do that. Very much I know I cant do much on that to help but if I don’t communicate with Lina I wont be able to be operated on Wednesday.

Was I absent minded or was I too tensed to think of all these. To leave my kids, to trust other people to take over my responsibilities. To make sure everything will goes well in order.

The only thing I could do is plan and let HIM take charge later. But my motherly feelings hurts, ached when I think deeper in it. If I go alone, with that help me? If I just let myself admitted will they blame me for not telling.

My womanly feelings ache that I need to hurt and hurt and hurt. I am being emotional today. Very emotional because I have to trouble people from all angle. Damn feelings……

Ya allah, I need strengths, I need guts, courage and everything that can support me to be strong please. I need YOU!!!

11.33am

Blabby!!!!

Penna: Lynna
Released : 230306 (11.37pm)
Mood : Empty opposite Bubbly

I was totally outraged. When rome called to ask me to come dinner with her. Her treat she said pasta that I wanted a week ago. Hahahhaha I did not really get it since.

It went well, somehow it doesn’t really make me feel good tho. I was damn full but inside me was feeling empty. The emptiness that had not come for a very long time.

The call came thru in the midst of the dinner. Amir was suspected with lung infections. He need to be taken to hospital for treatment.

What do you want me to say. I told you enough. The affection from a mother are higher than a father actually but from my observation the affection of a father are for more beautiful than I thought. And so you deserve my respect. “Come over” he said without hesitation. “Arent you suppose to pick Amir dear? Have you called home? “Oh yea, without thinking I said that eh? He got lost along the way.

He decide that he goes home and monitor amir. And so I go and meet Rome for the lovely dinner.

My meeting goes well. And victory over discovery was always pleasant. As usually the blabby me! Was I ever tired talking over the philosophical and reality. I dunno. You tell me…

Nite folks, im tired and sleepy. My dotter is still doing her homework…

Fate....

Penna: Lynna
Released: 210306 (11.15pm)
Mood: down

Had emotional breakdown after “Seconder” was written. I know I hurt him, I know I make him feel guilty. I make him worried about me. I just shut myself off totally after talked to him, after asking him why he came back and haunt me for the unfinished story. Phone was shut and I am being remorse. Had music blasted loudly and I drive slowly home, drifted deep in thoughts. I was guilty too in between getting to destination of our vision or stop it now before I go to far and it got deeper on his side and mine too… I wasn’t really affected emotionally myself but when I think of the other half, and other sector I failed…

He said, “it wasn’t your fault to come back because we want it to, it wasn’t your fault to be with me because its fated and I want you too”. We cross the bridge when the time comes.

No, my fantasy has no longer a fantasy. It has become a reality where I always wanted to comeback to a place with someone I was before and spent the whole session of passion of being together. Suddenly it become real and I don’t know how to deal with it.

The pain on my lower pelvic become unbearable, when I skipped lunch and took instant noodles for dinner. The pains keep on coming and go its like a cut everytime it hurts me.

I made few phone calls today to people that really catch my attention. Not having the similarity of concerns but well at least they are people who lingers around when they should be there, they are there.

Still looking forward for my India trip while I know I can’t make it. I know why they did that, not going to comments it further and let they feel the heat but not me.

I know I have lots of silent reader now. Why they become silent is because the reality bites and painstakingly like a slap to everyone. But then somehow or rather one has to deliver what has to be. Not to mention those who use it to turn it around. I’ll take all of that. I was adviced to close this account and not to write here anymore but to me conveying the message was not as bad as talking behind the matters while this is the facts that everyone should face.

I remember when my uncle wanted to marry another auntie, everyone in the family was against it. While I said let him be, rather than being his mistress. They immensely become outrages about it. But eventually after they got married and she was always nice, she become favourites amongst all the auntie.

Why? Not everyone come to another people’s life to make them shattered. What’s wrong in giving him permission rather than letting him committing into sin. People always ask what is not enough with his wife? People never ask what is the gaps needed to be fulfilled and when the second woman comes didn’t he still was the same person? He was still my uncle despite how many women if he decide to marry.

My dad devote himself to mom after marrying her and left my sisters and brothers in Sabah once upon a time. Till now dad never seen her but now spent his old days with his childrens where he missed spending their early age with him.

It was nobody’s fault of why a second marriage happens. It’s because its written in his book of life should it be yesterday, now or tomorrow. I now fully understand “why men needs substitute”. To complete each others and to fill the gaps that was missing or to help or its his fate to have few women in his life. God always has reason to everything happen you our life…

12.00am

220306-1.20pm

Another 10cc of blood taken today then I shoot straight to work. 2 proposals, one long winded report on milk and series of emails entails. Few people had a good time chatting with me on various subject. With two indecent proposals, where this time I gave them straight to the face on my opinion but still leaving the value of friendship there. If I do connect with you after the meeting I’ll take that hand, if otherwise, drop dead then. Value of friends, value of life, value of relations, all come with price. Not the price of money, but the price of dignity and pride.

Well N we did not make it up today anyway but I always look way out of tomorrow. Perhaps it will be more promising or else there will be another day eh!!!

Positive over what tomorrow brings, be it sunshine, clouds, rains or rainbow, ill take what comes.

The stake is there, im only investing on what can be taken and leave whats not. Aint difficult tho but well risk is there anyway.

Till then…..

Hatred!!!!

Penna: Lynna
Released : 1855pm
Mood : Freaking Cranky

Now if anybody come with accusation he/ she gonna get it nice slap on the face. Whoever came with softly emotional statement he/ she is going to see me crying.

I hate this feeling. I hate to be in this state of emotional grudge. I just had my 2 weeks period a week ago. Dont tell me im having PMS again. My back pain, my nipple is sensitive to touch, my lower pelvic is giving me sore pain.

When i lie down last nite I almost burst into tears. I cant bear the pain any longer. Its killing, who do you think I would tell? No one!!! Because I hide all the negative things about myself from everyone. Perhaps I said that to him just now. But what did I received? "Its another few more days" Perhaps im being too emotional, or perhaps it was really the pain make my mood fucked up.

Im raged with anger, hatred and I dont wish to throw it to my kids when I go home. I know I have not been honest enough but what can I say. Im known to hide my feelings just to myself. If you are nice enough, passionate enough to care you would eventually know. But what the **** i couldnt care less anymore.

Im tired. Im gonna have my pasta and im going to cry I know. Soon.
I hate you because you are not sensitive enough to care or I hate myself because I give way again. Oh damnn I hated myself for now. Im going to drive now, not slow as usual but fast to compete with my feelings to pace up with my stupid ****ing emotions

adious

Enough Said...

Penna: Lynna
Released 230306 - 15.07
Mood: Cranky

Sometime I think I am such a pain in the ass. I do admit it. Being hard to most men who tried to date me, insulting them with my question, turn around with my words untill they got fed up to ask again. To that moment I will smile beautifully. Why because its an achievement to turn them down. But somehow I know they will come back again. Trying again and again and again. To those who did not give up I consider and give them a chance to talk to say it out again.

Would I mellow or not it depends on me. On them how sincere, how true and most of all they must prove me I'm wrong. Where their idea was just to date me out, dinner, lunch or coffee. Well, im not a person who is easily to pleased. Im always hard, pain, hard headed but to those who knows ME never, ever will feel i am one.

Why did i always contradict myself? Why am I being pain in the ass? Because no matter how hard I am to you at the end of the day once you find out who am I then you will know who really I am.

As for now, it is me that you need to crack. Why because your effort and affection is not enough to convince me that you need me.

I may not be good for you so if you think I can’t fulfill that please… don’t hurt me later… do it now and don’t let me wait for nothing…

Lynna...

Penna: Lynna
Released: 220306 (written 071205)
Mood: Flat

No matter how much did I take a day from people, Im sure and definite that I don’t want anyone to change me. For I cant change myself for them. That’s for sure. Im gonna blab about many things today. Things about myself, about why I did it and reason for it. Must everything done with reasons? As for me, yes, it is indeed.

I write for no mercy from any. Something that people would say calling for symphaty. NO! I don’t write to get anyone sympathy, Im writing this for my kids to read one day should they already understand about what life is.

I never take anything easily. As young as 5 or 6 years old I was taken to and fro by my grandpa to be in his custody. He took charge of me, he care for me, thought me a lot of things to be independent. And from there I learn a lot of independency and reason to live for whom I am, and what I am. Reason to accept what I am good and bad for.

As simple as drinking a hot coffee from a mug, I was thought to being patience and take things slowly and easy. Knowing that hot brewed kampung coffee is nice to sip, I took the chance directing it to my mouth without even giving a second thoughts. The aroma itself was so inviting and tempting. Coffee that make me insane and coffee that make me thought of life pleasantly till now.

Upon hitting my lips, the taste of coffee doesn’t hit my taste bud at all but all I know my tongue was burnt with the hot sensation. My grandpa was just laughing and told me good for you (padan muka). “Tak sabar “ he said. Yeah I was so impatient to have the taste and have it all. I was then thought the humility of being a woman with all the sopan santun and how to sip a feel and taste n understand why hot coffee is nice, tasty, sweet and bitter. First and foremost lift it up slowly, have the smell of the coffee and then try putting it on your lips and blow a little and take sip by sip. “You would taste it good and slowly plus inhaling the smell of coffee and yet not burning ur lips with the heat”. Coffee is yes surely bitter but the taste represent life. None is easy in life. The hotter the coffee is the better it smells. The aroma triggers a lot of curiosity to those around you. The taste of bitterness and sweet blends in nicely giving good taste to ur taste bud and life. I take that rolling from the beginning till now. Anyhow I love coffee since the day he introduce it to me, I take any coffee but I feel China coffee is the lousiest coffee ive ever taste.

Now let me go to next chapter. My upbringing was never as nice but I love it the way I take it. Its difficult. Coming from the low income level parents doesn’t give me any luxury. Not a bit at all. I live in a squatter area with all the Malay community. To get a tap water I have to line up with people to wait for my turn and it doesn’t stop for one trip but few in a day. I shall call it a routine for me. We use “dapur kayu” to cook and at times we use dapur minyak. It depends on how my dad makes up in a month. We have a well nearby where I have to get waters back to home daily for home consumption like washing dish and washed ourselves.

Mom has to help dad with selling pisang goreng to make up a living for us, to send us to school. For a start mom send us with her bicycle every afternoon and later in the evening dad will pick me up from school. At the age of 8 my right ankle was hit by the passing bus and I was injured. The pain doesn’t strike me immediately but then later at night. I cried but for a while only. So it was bandage for few week I guess. Then when I can managed myself I take that bicycle to school and come back on my own again. There was so many memories of being on that on my own. Being followed by flasher, barking dogs and etc. Im not going to tell all this in details its going to take my whole night to blab about this. Perhaps some other time.

I was never a favourite in my family. My brother was always praised and my sister always being treated like a princess. I never took any look at it. Because I was thought to appreciate what I have when I still have my grandpa with me. The humility, patience, appreciating life, what is granted and etc. Where is my mom and dad during those days? They were no where to be seen. Busy with their routines and taking more money home. Was it for me? Or was it for self satisfaction? I don’t know. Not until now. I seriously concentrate on what I should and leave that behind. I do once a while ponder about it but then to soothe me I just say “they did it to make the living better, so that I can share that”.

I get an “A” for my SRP but it was never good for mom. Tho dad bought me somethings but then when lil sister arrive 10 years later I was no where to be seen. If I forgot to do the normalities or routine work I will be hit and beaten till im ashamed to go to school. Until at one point then I don’t feel anything from that. Being hard and timid, boyish and I only acknowledge those who can accept me as who I am that time. I was never have any feminity feelings although I sulk alone but I never regretted it.

I was stubborn, hard headed but obey them and scared to be punished. I guess when I get beaten they was just tired, doesn’t seems to know what to do, or perhaps buntu and a way to let it go is punishing me and my brother. To the extent for a silly mistake I was ready to kneel and have the cane ready for her to whack me. Bit by bit it turns to hatred and being revengeful. I hate the situation, I hate being bullied, humiliated, I hate anger, I hate people raising their voice.

I seclude myself only to me. I talk to myself, I build my own boundaries, be friends to only I feel I want to. They aren’t many because I minimize it accordingly to my needs only. To those like me they will really like me, to those who come and go they may do as they pleased. I don’t come near you, trouble you so you don’t do something I don’t like.

I learned things my way. I love readings due to my boundaries, I don’t talk much to people but by reading I learn a lot. I praise myself by being confident when Im asked a question and answered correctly. Be it in kindergarden or in school. Tho I don’t excel but im blessed of what I'm up to now. Can't be more thankful because parents do send me to school to learn and be like other child. Thank you mom, thank you dad. I just hate the way u handle me brutally apart from that I appreciate what you did to me. I love you!

Being tomboish when I was in primary make me feel more of myself. My teenage year, I used all that skills too be an athlete. I let out all my rage and anger by sprinting, high jump, long jump, hurdles, cross country, whatever it is. I cant remember what else. I got II for my SPM and when I raised a need to go for Form Six my mom snap me off. There I go working and then taking my computer class and got myself a Stenographer certificate to be who I am today.

In the family of my mom being raised in KL I got the chance to hold the opportunity to choose where I work, what to do and make the eyes of my aunts and uncles open that woman can do better too except being factory worker and marry off at the age of 19^th.

No I don’t want to get married when I was being matched by my mom. I got carried away eh. Anyway I take my life span as it is till now. I value what love is, I value my quality time to be with my kids. I just hope I don’t forget my roots and path that I've gone through. No matter how hard it is but it was for the best of me. Im glad I took it easily and I thank god for everything I have today. I still have mom, kids and my family. Im glad.