The Blinking Thoughts

Category: Blogging

Released: 280706
Mood: Quizicall

Can we change you???
Can we change ourself???

I take the easiest one, which is changing me. No point in asking them, him or you to change. If it does not derive from oneself it will never work. Not yesterday, now, today, tomorrow or never. It comes from ownself. Thats for sure!!

Boosting, motivating and urging!! That's about all you can do to make it up being supporting to everyone around you. To expect the better?? You never know... To be safe expect for the worst. It will guide you with more options and take the opportunity arise as a challenge that come by.

And be blessed if it is what you expect if not find another way. Never give up for tomorrow will surely brings sunshine unless HE says otherwise....

11.01am

Cherish

CATEGORY: Pouring

Released: 270706
Mood: Calm

Persistent!!! Something that I hate to stand by or next to you. Not only you, anyone else. I would make my way far from your vision or illusion. You have become a legend. God help me please. I dont want to make another people hurt by me.

What I have for Naz will remain. Whether we make it or not. Now I begin to understand what HE meant by "if its meant for you, it will be yours". And with that I continue with what I have and enjoy of what I am offered.

Cherishing the moment we had before, yesterday and may be tomorrow. Nurturing my heart with the thoughts and love that comes almost every night.

6.27pm

Insan

Category Blogging

Released:280706
Mood: Contented

Tidak semestinya cinta ada penghujung, tak semua kehidupan berakhir dengan kebahagian atau kedukaan. Yang penting adalah perjalanan kehidupan itu sendiri. Bagaimana kita menangani dan menghindari yang mendatang dan didatangkan dalam bentuk dugaan atau juga penghargaan.

Manis pahit kehidupan adalah intisari yang amat indah bagi setiap makhluk rasakan. Tapi tak semua insan dapat mentafsirkan apakah itu sehingga mata dicelikkan oleh rasa ketaqwaan dan keimanan mengharungi sesuatu dugaan ciptaan tuhan.

Apakah menang jutaan wang loteri sebagai satu persembahan atau penghargaan? Sesuatu yang akan membuat hidup kita berubah dalam sekelip mata. Dan dikala itu datang pula Jabatan Hasil Dalam Negeri, saudara mara yang tak pernah kita kenal, handai taulan, rakan dan sekutu. Dari rumah kecil berubah ke singgahsana istana.

Dapatkah kita melihat itu satu penghargaan atau percubaan maupun dugaan??? Hanya mata hati kita yang akan nampak dan melihat keseluruhan ruang yang tercipta dari situ. (Bukalah matamu melihat keindahan ku maupun celakaku)

Allah maha pemurah dalam memberi. "Mintalah padaku tanpa rasa ragu, akan ku perkenankan" cuma kita lupa apa yang diminta hanyalah solat lima waktu, menghindar yang mungkar, melakukan kebaikan. Amat kecil permintaan nya dibandingkan permintaan kita umatnya.

Aku telah lari dari tajuk sebenar. Pencarian mengenali, menghargai erti cinta, kasih dan sayang sangat besar. Datang dari segala sudut, waktu dan ruang. Hanya mereka yang mengenali diri, hati dan keinginan akan menemui apa yang dicari.

Telah kutemui kini dan hanya DIA yang akan menentukan ketentuan akhiran cerita manusia, dunia dan akhirahnya.

Amin...
10.33am

The Unmistaken Love

Current mood: contemplative

Released: 260706

Men are a HUNTER. They are good at that. They have style, way and goal how to achieve it.

I'm not looking, but they will look for me. Enjoying it at every corner now and putting myself into mute mode. All the angles brings a lot of colours and joy altho pain is not forgotten, but all in all it is sweet in a way. To know, to object, to follow, to let go altho some are not indespensable.

The answer gotten yesterday and my next action follows. Taken and not owned thats what I am.

Legend and history 20 years ago hunting and keep on pacing the beat I'm beating. Being irresistible and pushing till one short note given, I want to be who I am now, ALONE but my heart is taken.

I know he is sad but I better be honest to myself. I know you love me since way back, I know your mom object our relations hence you married another girl. Tho you are not happy but then I was not meant for you.

I reserve myself for my kids and him that was now on silent mode due to some circumstances. Which is better for me and him.

As for Zul, I'm sorry may be when god says yes, when he says I should turn to you, I'll be there for you. As for now please mend things with her. Kids needs you.

Me??? I will be safe in HIS hand. HE knows better what for me and I know better what I want. Definitely it is not you. Im sorry....

11.35am

SCENT OF LOVE

200706

Category : Pouring

Sayang dikala aku dikelabui perasaan rindu, semalamku yang kutinggalkan selama 20 tahun kembali merona awan dilangit mengamit awan, merintis bintang, menyelar pelangi, menyerlah bumi dan menyelak rasa hati...

Tiba-tiba ia hadir setelah hilang selama 20 tahun. Sedang kau hanya 15 tahun yang lampau. Namun apa yang aku ada sekarang hanya jiwa kosong, hampa, luka, tersasar kedasar impian yang tak sudah...

Aku mula membenci pertalian, membenci penantian, aku menyusur langkah santai kedaerah sepi mencari ketenangan. Aku lebih tenang begini,senang, damai tanpa berperang dengan perasaan. Mereka in mencintaiku?? Biarkan… Mereka ingin meraihku??? Biarkan… Mereka ingin mencari perhatianku??? Biarkan…

Aku dengan duniaku, anak-anak, teman rapat yang lebih rapat dari kekasih yang lebih mengerti dari kekasih, lebih menyayangi dari kekasih, lebih prihatin dari kekasih.

Aku jadi semakin keliru antara yang kucinta dan yang mencintaiku.

“Tell them you are taken”

On what ground do I am sure that I am taken???

“Do you want me to meet and tell your mom”

If you need to…

“Ill find time, ill do that….”

And so till now I never did believe him. To gain my trust??? You got to pay for it… How long??? Don’t ask…

I wont be thinking about what I will have with him. I will have to leave to him. And last night I ache to hear his voice again telling me he miss me but no, I did nothing to make that realize and heard to my ears.

By morning the ache became unbearable and thus the call is made just to say hi and it makes me ache to be with him again. I miss him, yes despite my hatred towards him. BOLD!!! Yes, I am when I say that but deep in me is so shallow, melt, soft.

On the other hand the other party is bugging me more and more for the attention. Tired. I am very tired of relations. I am on mute mode now. Please don’t ask me to love, yes, the heart is taken. No matter how we made it 20 years ago the feelings of loving you is not there. I can only befriend with you. And I don’t have a way to tell him that.

Abang I wish you can hold me. Warm, comfortable and safe.

I miss you…

3.25pm

Inner Feed 4

181706
Category: Pouring


By 7pm I am already missing him badly but i have to be strong to overcome all the feelings. Yes, i love him but i must be able to strive for tomorrow. With or without him i am still strong and tough to face tomorrow.

Childrens talk hurts me more when they are discussing about CT and Datuk Khalid. I told them i am going to marry a Datuk too.
Eiman look at me sternly.... "No, you can't!"
I turn to her.... "Why?"
"You are marrying papa"
I turn my head away, Amani continues "ibu, kawin dengan Uncle Nazli"
Conversation stop there. I dont want to continue it nor discuss about it. No one should know what i had in mind and in my heart anymore. I have speak enough, said enough. I am embarking new stage of my life.

People can love me, people can share their joy with me, people can accompany me as and when they are free and i am free. But sharing my life like I shared with my kids and family, they have to think about it again.

Prove me you love me, prove me I'm important to you, prove me I am worth for you, which some has done that, but then that small portion of heart belongs to someone who dont appreciate and think that i would not turn around and flea again. Once i set my foot and mind, i'll be fading again to everyone's life. Im only waiting for the right time. Mercy??? I dont know... Blessing??? I'll talk to my father soon for his idea and opinion. The rest can go fly kite.

Somehow I think I manage to overuled Mr Wonderful. As much attention given and his words do give me ease of my when im in vain. I need nothing much than a company not just a body without a soul or soul without a body. I am greedy yes, I admit but to some visible things that I can have. If i couldnt, so its time to let go again.

Pain??? Yup, it is but it will heal with time if i allow it. So lets give a little bit more time while I enjoy everyone attention and love. And to you abang ... take your time and just hope time will not leave you far behind again like 15 years ago.

Aku tak akan menagih lagi seperti peminta sedekah walau kasih, perhatian, sayang ataupun apa yang kau pinjam dari ku. Cukup sudah "Suratan atau Kebetulan". Aku harus teruskan kehidupan....

2.14pm

Happy Birthday Me!!!

Penna: Lynna
Released: 170706
Mood: Cool

Category: Blogging

I had a quiet birthday this year. Secluding myself from outer world and only celebrating with my loved ones and dearest friends. My kids was the most happiest person. Early in the morning hugging and tugging with me on my bed holding me close and a birthday wished and kissed was then heared and felt.

Early in the morning I was ready to take my kids n nephew for a treat. I was holding the hurt in me badly just to look happy around them and a question was asked "Bu we are going to have lunch at the lake". I gulp and swallow the question slowly ask them back "who wants to have lunch with Uncle?" Four out of five did. When i asked Nana then she says "oklah bu jom lets go".

I sat in the car for quite some time to think. I will hurt 4 out of 5 if i don't go and it has been almost a month they have not seem him. I drive slowly and still pacing with my thoughts within me and exploring the needs to be there. I was actually have set my mind to take them for movie, library, park and landscape exhibition in Perdana Lake. I gave in because Ii need them because they are very happy and it was my birthday.

Shira of all thought, he is treating us but the was puzzled then why i paid the bills instead of him. I explain to her that since it was my birthday it is my duty to treat everyone not him. I told her that later at night a friend of mine will be throwing a party for me. She was silent after. She knows usually I will cook for my friends to gather at my place for lunch or dinner. I dont want to have that this year.

It was an enjoyable lunch actually. I saw everyone smilling happily not to exclude my nephew. The lake of tears enlosed within my heart, i was actually then portraying the other me. The drive home was slow and easy. I was suppose to them to KLCC then for jalan-jalan. Nana has something to buy and Shira is suppose to belanja me. I smile at her thoughts. Pleasing them on my birthday always bring joy in me. After dinner Anum called that she is on the way. The birthday treat was good.

This birthday has bring a total of new me who knows what I need and want for my next path of life. I have all those that I love to be with except man who I can call lover or husband. Other than that im fulfilled with strengths, courage and blessed.

4 days ago someone who dated me 20 years ago spitting what he has hold for me ever since he set his eyes on me during my school days. After he has a chance to date me he did ask his mom to sent his proposal to my house until the later he found out his mom didn't for some reason.

He was so frusturated married someone who is recommended by a friend and still married till now. To hear what he has kept for me all this days has brought a wide smile from ear to ear but "it was too late already" i told him. We are never meant to be together. Yes, i did went out with him. I was just so naive back then, just after school and i wasn't looking for anyone besides that time Amin, my first boyfriend is there (hahhaah cinta monyet betul). During back then to me they came just as friends.

Too many, I have to runaway from them. Why?? My bubbly and jovial attitude can be adaptable by anybody even the pakciks and makciks. They can even join me in the netball team player once i convinced them to participate. Till now if i even meet the pakciks and makciks again they will talk and talk and talk without stopping. With my status now, i cant be talking to anyone like i used to do. Fitnah and backstabber are everywhere. But i believe i do nothing to hurt anyone and that stays with me forever.

Would i change myself into someone else?? Would he ever understand what i want? Stop asking lynna. A constant change in life start from within. I am embarking my new life now. Relationship tire me entirely. I'll take just the face no more no less now on....

Have a nice day folks...

12.43pm