Changes

Category: Blogging

Released: 190906
Mood: Alert

It has to be constant change or other wise you won't be changing at all. Courage is what I dont have now. Ask me to do the toughest job, insyaallah I'll find a mechanism to work it out, ask me to fix things in the house insyaallah I'll find a right tools to fix it, ask me to jump from one place to another insyaallah I will find ways to be there, ask me anything but not a marriage proposal.

"What's wrong with you"
"I dont know..."
"He is certain....
"But im not..."
"What else do you want?"
"I dont know"
"What else he dont have?"
"He got it everything..."
"Then what is not right then?"
"Me..... I cant convince myself I will make him happy as he think I would, although I think he would make me happy, he prove me before, he prove me now and still trying to convinced me tomorrow. Do you think he ever give up"
"Im not sure Na...its depending on what you want"

Was I needing a partner badly? Was I so lonely? Was I bad financially? Was I not having company as in family or kids? Was I not supported enough by friends? Was I not having enough love around me be it from girlfriends, siblings, boyfriends, relatives and etc? Was I stingy to pour my love to anyone? Was I not doing what I wanted to do?

He understand it all of what I have left, what I'm pacing around now and what I am looking forward next. He knows it all because he has been there hearing me punching or pouring the words and he was there to nurture and cherish all the pain that I pour for him to listen, for him to lend his shoulder to lean.

Day by day I was leaning closer, mingling around like a kitten getting his full attention and love. He is pouring it unconditionally without saying anything more nor less. He know I dont like to be pushed, nor being posses, he knows I will turn to him as and when I need him and will say no when he cant.

Thats what has started as friends and slowly changed as close for the emotional feel to bond us together. I was split into two in between friends and turning it into a lover but HOW?

Those comfortable zone I created for him was actually reversed now. Just like what I wanted. Would I let it ruined just because Im confused?

"I leave it to you to decide dear.... I dont know how else I can prove you... You stop me from seeing your parents, you stop me from sending my people to your house...Think.... Take your time..."
"How long can you wait?"
"I hope not long"
"Why?" still testing him to the max which I know the answer within
... He keep quiet, turning his face away hiding his feelings. I know I hurt him but to convince me of tomorrow that I wasnt sure, is really hard. He knows many is coming to the way waiting for my opening at anytime it strikes my mood to say yes. He knows that my moods and colours always varies at times but he knows if Im treated right the bright colours was never failed to capture peoples mind and attention. With that I reserve the possibility of them to come in nearer, closer.

There is few in mind which I have already make my thinking of opening, or just tickling or rather make em feel more comfortable but not looking for possibility of being a lover. *sigh* Difficult indeed because once im in it I wont be able to turn back but to accept.

And with that I remember the chat with an Australian guy last week of my believe in our faith and god. He was so certain that god is within us only if we really know how to find the real us and accepting HIM in the daily life and believe of what happen to ourself are actually derive by what we do.

I know the answer is already there it is just the time for my opening to embark the new life. Life is a game and the ten rules applies. And if Love is a game too then the adventure is within us who is willing to accept the challenge to go through it.

I will have to consider many quest and options which may come within sooner or later.


Insyaallah....
7.35pm

Pride and Prejudice OR Proud without Prejudice

Current mood: cheerful
Category: Blogging
Released:140906
Mood: Proud

People always relate looks with attitude and behaviour.

The skin, the look, the way they carry themselves always been observe and judge. Be it male or female. Why people are so judgemental?

Even close friend. My take is, human have got their strengths and weaknesses. Individuals comes in a package of what they are. I have no say on that but to take them as it is.

This came from a short question "what do you think of him being my future husband?". My daughter, as a close example said this "not suitable lah ibu". I smiled and already had that answer within my mind. I probe her further…

"Why darling?"….

"He is dark mom, and you are fair…."

"So?? You father was dark too and so do all of you…."

She smiled, unable to answered further and I hugged her and explained. The outer skin is not what matter in a person. It is where your attitude and behaviour is much more important than the colour that you seen in a person. Your heart is what matter most.

One marriage and three times lover with charisma, looks and own integrity failed to prove me looks are what they are. Pleasant to see, nice to be with aren't giving you definite happiness and suitability as a partner. They are fragile yet as vulnerable as women are.

Women are tougher than them. Proven and endorsed by many superb mom in the world. Although they have to raised the kids alone they are still survivor and looking forward for tomorrow. That's what I call "Proud & without Prejudice".

Back to "Pride & Prejudice" it came with a price. The walk with the look full of pride and people look and being prejudice. By showing good look, it portrays good behaviour, attitude and charisma. How true it is?? Look up and ask yourself.

Even my best friend commented this "3 months for him to get fairer?" Yes, it hurts me but that's her personal views. They are even school mates during their school days. When I probe her further she did not answer me. Noted her sincerity and honesty and I moved on. While the other says not suitable comparing my personality and his, before knowing the real him. She just know him from the surface.

I was interrogated and asked many questions but I answer to the best I know. And he keep on pestering for my decision. I need time to find out the honesty and sincerity. Today I was shut up again by things that he wants to do. I just need a prove not anymore talk over things which has wasted my time.

If this is a tough testament to you, yes indeed it is. I trust guys no more. Prove me, tell me I'm wrong with reasons to believe. I'll give you my hand. Lets walk together along the path of life. If you like to talked it over, share with me and aim the goal to come nearer. Ill hold your hand, lets cherish it, lets nurture and and if it doesn't happen after we tried, I don't mind afterall, I have given me myself a chance and you have taste the bitterness of the path that we walk through.

A chance indeed is what I am giving me and you.

Prove me, that's all.

7.02pm

hESItaTING...

Category: Romance and Relationships

Released: 080906
Mood: Quizicall

Not sure.... thats the words of my feelings.
Question posted was left unanswered, just as yet.
I need to do ground checked and lots of digging work to do.

1. Sense of Responsibility
2. Sense of Humour
3. Sense of Loving
4. Sense of Labourship
5. Sense of Freindship
6. Sense of Respect
7. Sense of Honour
8. Sense of Logic
9. Sense of Maturity
10. Sense of Commitment

And my list can go on forever. You will feel bored but its amused me somehow. The more I take it, the more it blends in me softly, lovingly and caressing my life.

People said I made things so complex, like seing horror movie. The difficulties are made to make a simple life once everything is sorted when you are made to be mine. Past is lesson, learnings makes one matured and wise. The complexity makes me whom I am today and no matter how hard the case is, I am able to stand strong and walk through my destiny.

Im coming to the end soon? Yes, when I have made the decision.

Marry or not to marry? :-)

5.26pm

Scent of Trusting

Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

Released: 060906
Mood: shaky

Ive been quiet for the past 2 weeks...
Why??? Consoling, encapsulating, invigorating my mind into a new path again. A change of lane. Why be in a same path which offers nothing. I have to move on. Time is getting shorter. For me, my kids and future.

Alhamdullillah I took it simpler and not harder like the last. Give a notion, signal and waited for the light to change but they aint any colours strikes. So I move on.

My best fren wedding was the most glamourous after Datuk K and CT. She was beautiful, astonishing and sweet. To "Tee and Roslee" CONGRATULATIONs, semoga berkekalan keanak cucu.

While the other was officially divorced for the second time. Perhaps theres a blessing besides the separation. She is now more happy and focused and not to mentioned enjoying the name of freedom and happy life with people around her. To "R", redhalah dalam menerima setiap percubaan dan dugaan yang dianugerahinya.

While me? Many things happens. Yup. Managing my children most importantly who look forward to Auntie Glamour's wedding of the year. Family bondage getting better and friends who has been there always to boost support and motivate.

Love life... I have to put it a stop. Its too pain for him to go through the difficulties. No, not that I dont love him. Because I do I have to let him go back to his wife and family. Hearing her voice, hearing her mumbling. I know theres something wrong in their marriage, in her and him. Not just one party. Marriage is sharing, both has to share emotional bondage, difficulties, happiness, consequences, anything that comes up there and then along the journey of life.

Hurt, sad, or happy, am I not feeling that when I have to let go? I do, yes, but I have to be sincere to myself. In order for me to be happy I cant live in another person misery. If he cant stand for me, behind me or being a supporter to me, can I be his shadow behind all the plan and fantasies we have in future. Obsolutely not. Go on stabilise your life. I will be fine. Insyaallah god willing.

And when comes to that, a fren who has been there always swept me from the downfall by listening, encouraging, boosting, motivating and advising suddenly tickle me with a statement "Farm, I symphatize with you". I was stunned then was laughing. "Hoi, since when you know how to talk like this?" Being me, we talk, we argue, we laugh, we shared a good time karaokeing, teh tariking, gathering, kenduri's and etc. Never that I thought he would say things like that. In a row of the week he has been there pacifying, talking, rambling, scolding and yet pouring how he feels when he saw these people making use of me while I'm there.

It was like a slap and also dreaming in a day light when he asked me "what do you actually want and what do you want in a man?"... Eh mamat tak de kene mengenanya soklan kamu tu dengan apa yang aku hadapilah. Apasal you ni?"...

He has been trying to fix date for me despite my ignorance, but with his presence I agree to meet his fren few times. It doesnt give me any feel altho we can be frens, I can say good frens but I dont and cant take them as closer and he wants me to be. At last he, himself after being with me almost everyday, he broke the silence "I never feel in love like I do with you". My eyes almost pop out, my heart stop beating, I feel shallow and I thought I am going to vomit or faint.

He is falling for me? Hello did I hear it correctly? Yes, sms, call, meeting make us very close just like Im having my gfs with me. I feel safe, I feel good, I feel everything. I like to tease, not just him. Natural flirt, some would say, it was just for stimulation of brains and mind. Not that I think it would be taken seriously and it does mean something for him.

And 2 days ago I was proposed again and that makes me so confused. Commitment scares me?? I want to be love and loved but yet im scared I would failed again. To give is nothing, to expect is something. Would I deliver, would I be getting the right things Ive asked for. I leave it to him. A fren of mine suggesting "Istikharah" and give myself a chance until June next year.

I will have to settle my case with Naz and Im moving. To accept or not I will have to let time decide for me beside seeking solace in HIM to guide me. I hope he is the right one for me as Ive seen the quality and prove which is not just coincidence.

Restui aku....

1.44pm

Scent of LOVE... the Final

Current mood: cheerful
Category: Romance and Relationships

Released : 250806
Mood: Cheerio

Its pretty obvious to address a need in you while having relations be it friendship or an affair. Look would play a very good role in attracting individual appeal. Daily life is teaching us many things if we think and realise what happens.

Keanu Reeves look so cool, Richard Gere look so damn sexy, Jon Claude Van Damme look so masculine. But behind what they have we cant have what we want in a MAN. Sexy look dont provide passion, Cool dont mean we are going to be comfortable, Masculine wont provide security. If you think about it one by one, you would find the answer why I said this.

I am going to speak thru experience of being with these 3, I should say. Big masculine guy cant really stand for you when you need them to be firm with some situation which needs emotions, while sexy guy can only be passionate but cant provide you the masculinity or security that you want and cool guy needs to be hold in doing many things. Gosh! it's so difficult to get all in one.

I never expect anything all in one should I choose to be in one person. What ever they can be when they are with me that makes them very special on their very own way. If I need other than what they can provide I will turn to someone who has that quality and not jeorpadising nor making them look ugly in their way. I deal it my way, and so it will be fair to me, him or anybody.

Coming back to the look as I said, it will never promise you anything. It's always coming back of what YOU want rather than what he can provide. You got the look, theres no money nor security. You got the security but he looks like a mafia bombers. Which is more scary?

To me, looks may fade but being whom he is and be honest of what he can give and what not, are far safer and soothing than anything else. Beside never expect something that is not in you and he will understand that what is in him that he can offer so far. Be fair to yourself in order to be fair to your partner.

Lesson that I take after so many friendship and relations has made me wiser n more understanding of what human being are. To love him is by loving yourself more than anything else.

August has thought me a very good lesson and be kinder in life of understanding what love is. LOVE come from every direction and form.

I can still love him no matter how hurtful it is when he stabbed me from behind or thru anything else. For the fact I dont impose rules but rationality that make him think at the very end of day, I let him go because I love him and want him to be happier than he is with me. And with that GOD will send me someone better than he is. Im blessed and always thankful HE made me open up my eyes and made me WIDE awake even when I have to cry somehow.

I will only make my decision when the junction is only rather this or that. For now I will pour my love to whom needing without any condition and boundaries. And I am taking what they are offering for a good intention and openness.

And here I am to offer so much love to whom who would want to share with me be it in the form of friendship or ................

Scent of Honour

Released: 230806
Mood: Mixture of Rojak, Cappucino, Maggi, Belacan etc...

CATEGORY: SWALLOWING

I am not sure whether im sulking or i am retaliating. But something for sure i know if you are definite about something or someone you wont have to lie, running away or even being scared you would do wrong things. You would be able to take the challenge and go for it no matter things ahead you are unsure nor certain. Yup, people would say when you meet a jucntion where you dont know or hesitate which is which. That is when god was the best help besides instinct which helps you better.

I get through that somehow. Gradually, significantly and finally. Allah i seek for help, i seek for mercy and i seek for blessings. I got it all. Thank you .... ALLAH answer PRAYERS in 3 ways... HE says YES and GIVES you what you want, HE says NO and GIVES you something BETTER, HE says WAIT and GIVES you the BEST in HIS own time...Have faith


And so it was then becoming mine in my own way. No matter how good you are up to in putting up your words the reality will come thru. Having to hear her talking and rambling over the phone for few minutes is enough.

You lead in your world, you lead in your kingdom, you want the respect but you have to respect you yourself by delivering. I guess i 've said enough , showed enough, hold you together enough and waited long enough. You want it you prove it. Remember you not only owed me an explaination but also something belongs to people who deserve it better.

You know whom im talking about. I dont want to be a coward anymore , one day i might just pop up out of nowhere to ask from you and tell her who is me, Ramlah and what I intend to do. Meantime i let god decide for me. As for you , you decide. I want to carry on with my life. If its happen there is a way and im free then lets ride the boat together in this nasty current and wave but if happen you come the boat has left the answer is in your hand why the boat left you.


I love you always, deep and you got all my word about this.
I miss you blend in my pain...

Scent of Friendship and Trust

Current mood: cheerful
Category: Friends

Released: 210806
Mood: Gotcha!!!

There has been two testament came today which turns out to be so sweetly than I think off.

A friend is still a fren and will not change to be a monster like we used to think. As for me the truths will always be a truth that can't be easily denied. And it proves me right again.

I had a very pressured weekend last week with a lot of stress and heavy workload and at the end turns out very well by the end of Friday nite. We were having loads of fun right through the wee hours.

Next day, breakfast in Mandarin Oriental with a friend for a meeting and lunch in Klang for a change of menu and kg recipe. Talking about it making me smiling. Tempoyak!! Say that again yeah Tempoyak for lunch and coffee to perk up after the good meal was good.

Two hours entertainment after coffee and then to Bandar Tasik Selatan to collect some document and pick my kids then we are off to watch a movie.

I had a full day with laughter, learnings, and sadness covered all in one. Drifting off around midnite n woke up at almost 4am. Am thinking again of all the things happen lately which passing by like a screen one after another. On my phone and start replying few messages ignored during the daytime.
Some who is still up keep on smsing till i gave up n wave goodbye.

There is still people who stands by you at time you dont think they would. Never ever think you are always alone. No you are not, not at all. By 10 next day Widi sms thought i had missed the jogging session which he does without me. Later than we met for breakfast and had my car serviced. Off i took my kids for the routine outings and this time to Sg Wang. What a mistake!

Resting for few hours and off again to do my chores and got myself a movie ticket for the Lake House movie. He was there keeping me company since Friday nite, whole Saturday, Sunday morning and break daytime and again with the movie. I was starting to ask myself, what kind of friend who stand by you at anytime you need it most. For every question i'd asked, i've always had an answer.

And the question I'd asked to myself last two days answered today about the next step. A new beginning has just begun when she called me at 11.40am and the new Ramlah from Segambut appears in the picture.

As adviced if I want to make a decisiom than I have to go through the hardest stage. And I will have an answer and decide later.

"Tak guna jika aku berwasangka buruk dan tak mengapa kalau aku dikatakan bodoh jika tidak mengesyaki sesuatu". Determination and trust on the instinct was the best deal I've always had. God has been helping all this while with the answers and question I had for HIM.

To my dearest fren who had a newborn baby few days ago, CONGRATULATIONS. May the joy and happiness filled in their life with the arrival of the baby of tomorrow. May the couple and the sibblings shared the laughter and joy and be blessed.

Signing of...