When I was first approached by the colourful marine colour fonts, I was smiling, the kind of soft and pastel colour that associate me to my nature of sea and natural greens surrounding. I was not really paying attention to almost all he said. To me its only throwing a bait for me to catch. Single and doing something different from others part of being someone having different kind of passion from normalities.
I take that as usual like I took others. To me all men are same. Throwing the bait to people like me, one for reason to take me out, two trying to get an easy lay, three to let out some feelings of unsatisfaction over life or whatsoever. For all I know they come for a reason. Usually I take one who come as friend.
I wasn’t entertaining much on what he said in chatroom nor in pm. Me the usually listening and once a while flirting. Learning and brushing my scale.
Time to time things happen and flow till one day I say yes for a meet with him with other couple of friends over teh tarik. There were four of us and we stay till almost midnite after having good time over the chat. Conversation was good but the same routine I was using was reserved and observed. I never got a chance to introduce myself to him personally because we were busy talking. All I know was the lingering eyes.
Later before we part he took the liberty to come near me and I took the chance to ask some question in favour of taking a lift to somewhere he pass by. And by then we shake hand and part. I drive slowly and left whatever happen just now just like that. I reach home, refreshed and was already on my bed where I received an SMS “Good nite Lynn” from him. I was puzzled, since I did not introduced myself to him. How does he got my name?
I answered him stated clearly that I did not give him my name how does he knows it? And so it ends there. Hmmm… im still wondering before I doze off and I remembered I was wearing my black bracelet with my name on. I smile and shut my eyes with a smile.
A silly me, keep on forgetting things. There goes relation with him mainly was on friendship basis. Where I asked question and he answered. Once in a while we go for a drink usually in group. Sms and called or pm was the usual method. Hardly meeting each other for I know he has a girlfriend watching over him.
It goes on till one day I have a silly idea of going somewhere and gathered many friends along. And at last it does not happen where only me, him and other friend over the other end meet up. It goes on well and I have a good peace of mind over the journey and talk. Now I know why a silly question from my mouth was answered and framed very well. A subject of polygamy was well welcomed by him and he said “I will do that to save poor single mother”. I smile and kept my mouth shut. I was naïve, perhaps dumb, stupid or call me everything. I take things easily that comes from his mouth.
To me since im honest, shouldn’t be a problem for people to be honest too. I was to dumb to think that I was taken advantage over my silly act and thinking.
I didn’t know at that time he was having someone else seriously in relation with him. Naïve, or too straight, or “bodohnya makcik ni” I was called one day by some friend. Why? I don’t know how to feel curious, or have second thought or have bad thinking about things going on or happening. I thought its easier when im honest and trusting, they are the same too. Very stupid of me… My learnings today is never trust 100% of what they said.
On that outing I was told he is not looking, but once was married with one kid. Would be looking forward to remarrying and try to patch things back together. I was glad and pray for that to happen the soonest. And soon after that I guess its about 2 months later I was surprised by him that he is going back to her next week. I smile and congratulate him for the action and decision. A few days after that I was called by his girlfriend for a confrontation. I saw that something is going on space and did nothing to ask anything from him. I act normal until she seek me for help. I told her as a friend “if he really loves you and if he really meant for you, he will be back to you”. When I said that I am honest and truly feel if he really meant for her, he will do what is promised to her. And later confront him of what is going on. He confess that he loved both and will marry both and will try to make both happy with marriage life. I hold my breath and told myself. I left one guy who would have 3 women in his life and I am facing a friend who would take this challenge. And then with that meeting I told him I do like him and love him for his characteristic of being gentlemen and passionate to me, before knowing his relation with this new girlfriend. Since I knew that and knowing this woman character, I still like him only as friend and nothing more. He did confess he like me and “sayang” me and just that. How true its up to him. So it was mutual between me and him. I take that as friendship basis.
I pray to god, let this man success and survive with what he want accordingly to the way our prophet is leading. For the other dear friend im holding my faith that happiness would be with her always since he said he loved her too unconditionally.
I meet him a day before the function take place. I was asked, “what is going to happen to us?”. I looked at him and smile. You have both women and you asked me this question. I answered him “we will still remains as friends”. Truly and honestly said to him.
Since then we do remains as friends. I go on with life and with my routines. Ever since I left my boyfriend I filled my pastime before going to bed with blogging. I expressed, I write, I talk, I ramble about my life, my true life story, my happening daily, my sad story, my joy and etc. Since I wrote actively, I have many readers and followers. Over the past 3 months I hit almost 4,000 readers.
Be it females or males, someone I know and those I don’t even know do subscribe. Some people asked me why did I write my true life story and let people read. To me things happens in life today either to you or to someone else is because its fated to be happen. They may read and take that as an example or just read for pleasure. I don’t know how to tell jokes over here but I can crack people smile if they sit down with me to talk. I can leave some good memory or even bad for them to remember. Like those happen when one of my chatter spilled the watermelon juice over my white pants in one of the gathering. I never take that heartily, I took it as it happens and im still her friend till now.
For those who can take my silly jokes, my stupidity, my honesty and my truly me stays till now. Even they goes as far as they can but when they come back they will call to have tea and sat down till wee hours to share the joy and stories which was left during the time he/ she was not here.
Back to my story…
Now things turn the other way round. Now I was a victim of my naiveness and honesty. The table is turned that I was after him and his dear one is warned not to come near me. I was shocked, hurt and sad. But that’s life. It’s a way for him to let loose of something. He was denying it to his dear one and telling her I am the one who goes after him. Perhaps because whatever he is telling me is not tally to the real life story of his. Sad but true is why accused me but dropped the bomb to marry girlfriend instead?
I smile and pray to god. HE knows better what I feel and what I want from a man. Tho I told him once that I like him, it doesn’t mean I will take you away from your loved one. No! I will not be selfish, nor greedy or even self centred. All I want is love but not another woman husband to be beside me.
I have left two for their own good and will not change that facts. Should there be another married man coming my way, and should there be permitted by god, I shall meet the wife for the permission whether I am granted to be his second wife. I will not hurt another woman feelings just because I want a man’s love.
This afternoon I was having talk with my sister in a car and she was telling me that few of my cousin and neighbours already engaged. I was asking who and when and then this silly mouth was saying “when is my turn to get engage?”. Upon hearing that my first daughter told my nephew to tell me and he whisper to me “tak boleh!”. I was shocked and I asked her “why tak boleh?”. She keep quiet and repeat the same and I leave the question there and think.
She saw and go through with me what have I gone through. She saw how her father treat me, how daddy treat me and I guess that memories left in her mind was bad and that’s why she said that. I will have to talk to her. Why there should be a man looking after me and them. She has to be told reasons and make her think it was not only for her, her siblings and also for me.
But now at least I know what she thinks and how she feels to see me in this 3 months time after leaving my boyfriend.
This time if I do fall for a man again, I will not give 100% and I will not go for those I love but let a person love me and will take me and my package as a whole. For me to love them like before is a bad joke in life but that’s their share that I can give whole heartedly. Now I have let it go since I loved them very much. They have to go for their happiness. Should they come again they will have to prove what sense of belonging, sense of loving, sense of responsibility is. Till then ill be content of what I have, what I love and what can I give to my children solely. Now I did not feel guilty to love anyone more than my children. And I am glad I am solely loved by my kids.
To you my friend and your future wife, don’t always think bad about other people. Consider an advice, think of the half feelings and put yourself in their shoe.
And to dear old girlfriend, what can makes him lie to the wife, he lied to me and he cant lie to you? Life is like a circle. I was happy, I was sad, I was rich, I was poor, I was loved, I was abused and I have feel almost all except dying. Think a little bit rational and take a moment to go deeper of the thinking mode.
What makes him turn himself to me, to you, to any other girls for an ear to listen, a shoulder to cry on and a reason to believe. Attention is what he want, and communication which is failed to deliver to his wife making him turning to anyone who can listen, who can give a shoulder and who can hold his hand. My chance to turn him back to his wife was over and ive washed my hand clearly to be out of the miserable up four. I wont be associated with the unconscious old fool, the unreal divorced husband, the so called caring friend and a victimized girlfriend.
I have clear intention when so many accusation lying for them where I make them understand to stop assuming. But in the end only I realized I was used and taken advantage to be one real friend in reality. Where I was manipulated to have the so called attention, love and affection.
Im glad few days before I knew all this turning table, I have him confessed to me that he has no intention to breaking off the friendship but only to respect the relationship that he has now and the closeness of us will only make him tempted to be together and continue to be near me.
So now I know what I hear from others about his girlfriend was not just a rumours or gossip but reality of who and what type of a person she is. I am not one woman who would just listen to what people say, I take the consequences of knowing the reality and truth tho it hurts and give me pain. Even now if people spit infront of me when they pass by I would know, I hold nothing but the truth. I can be proud and still smile for the facts I am for who I am.
For Rom, Tee and Sam, thank you for being my true friends. Who share my laughter, joy, sadness and tears. While sitting down for buka puasa and thank god for the food and the affection showed to me and my children, I cried for the love that shown to me and my kids. I cant thank them enough and only god bless and pays them for the price they have paid and what have they done to us.
And for those who bit and bite behind me, dare to confront me and ask me. Don’t just take one side of story. Yeah it juicy kind of rumours and gossip but the truth is no romours or gossip when there is no reality. So be careful of those sweet smile and nice kind words.
Date released: 30 October 05 (3.54am)
Currently listening: Rhythm of my heart
Mood: Thankful to showed me true friends n biatch
