Learning, Digesting and Reflecting

I was experimenting a different lane when someone from Facebook approach me into a relationship and wanted to make me up into  what i had been ignoring.

Man come and go as they wanted.  Particularly i was only looking into what my children needs and not mine at all.  Now after having my own time talking to HIM, he had shown me some path, some ways, some reasoning why i should be accepting a person into my life.

Yes, I have been with Wonderful for so long but too long to made me thinking is he really into my life or i was just thinking abt it alone. Since i ever ask in my prayer HE send me few men.  Not single men but marrieds...

I am not sure why but i am giving a way.  Why?  I am sure HE has reason why he sent me this 3 guys ir rn my life for a purpose.  Let them show me or prove me that they were sent by HIM for a good reason.

I have been rejecting one for coming and ask me things bluntly.  I wanted to smile, laugh at it but i understand everyone has their own uniqueness.

And someone who has been wooing for long time has a chance to date me for Iftar yesterday.  It was sweet, romantic place for a right moment.  But again what was he wanted from me.  Silentness enveloping the evening perhaps he was hoping for me to understand it all.  Perhaps i do and i am just ignoring.  He can be so gentle, so romantic, so everything that i want but he is still a married man.  Although i wanted to have everything under the moon and the stars from him but i am yet to open up my mouth coz he is a married man. Even i know he is capable but i dnt think he wants it becos what he wants is not what i want.

And the other one thinks I was quiet becos i already have someone.  True i have Wonderful in my heart, but im not sure he wanted me to b his Princess.  In my situation i am needing someone to lift up my burden in many ways.  But i cant find a way how to say it out. Instead i listen to people what to say.


Dear blog, i wanted to say more but let me have some digestion to the situation and pen it down as and when.  Let me judge my situation and let me pour out soon.

I love you ALLAH simple bcos u hear me....

1228am

Lets being passionate again

My emotions is edgy these days.  I wasn't able to handle feelings to specifically being loved by a  man. Undeniably I was being lonely at times especially having teens kids who find time on their own are more precious than finding time to be with me.

Besides  serving my customers, finding new acquaintances and new business partner, I cant lie that I am lonely.  My soul is searching for something.  I prayed for someone to come and god given me the chance but unfortunately again i was tested.

Sigh.... i wanted someone but not owned by somebody.  I wanted loved but not shared by someone else.  I have to ask again n again but i failed to know the reason.  I leave it on.

I challenged my fear and meet him one day.  I can tell that if i want the relationship i can make it happen but then just to make me feel satisfied digging some infos was im good at.  I was stuck on the verge again.  To accept or not to accept.

I was enjoying everything until i know the truth.  Heated arguments follows.  And my flaws emerged.  I cant just pretend being someone pretty n beautiful but yet to be bold to know the truth. Hate to admit yes i do like him, wanted him very much.  Oh yeah i do, but....

God please take some of my worries away and please grant me the wish i wanted.  Let me be loved, let me be happy, let me be cuddled, let me be safe in the hands of a man called lover.  With the right path and ways of course with your blessings.

Yes i want it. Prove me im wrong this time.

Securing ME

Hi darling,

I have questions pertaining to my last visit. First of all how are you doing...

I hate to disturb but my hand is itchy and my mind cant stop asking questions... can i ask..
I might as well do since i have started.. by now i know u may be smiling or already saying "bodoh dah tanya, tanya je lah"
betul tak???
See its difficult when you can read ppls mind, its bothering me all the while. But its only with ppl whom i allow my mind to connect with only yeah!!!

So darling,

I have not known the outcome of the last interview with the beast...
1) Whether i pass to be the beauty for the beast?
2) Did i let the beast freezing till sunshine?
3) Is he happy with the whole entire interview session?
4) Does she miss anything in particular that beast need in making him more hungry and thirsty? OR
5) She failed in finding the heart is not made of stone finally?

In order to be shorlisted, the slave need to know what next to equip the beauty for her preparation should she is shorlisted for a second interview.

On the other hand ...
In the wildnerness of my desire i think of you who came so gentle and passionate. It never triggers me out there exist such man.
I was only consume those in my dream, imagination before i goes to sleep ... some one would come home after his hard long days looking for his beauty to perk his day insisting to listen to his long days blabbers and so on...and at the end of it he will tease me which ends to long and passionate lovemaking...

Quietly in my own peaceful time nearly an hour sitting there alone in the airport collecting all the memories since day one i was there in SG back in 2006 while i was in the bus looking at the trees the entire journey home by bus thinking of you ...
How have u spoiled me. pamper me, made me laugh, anything that i need except for the moon n the stars...
what have i find out so far in a man, in building trust and relationship where i believe no man will give something without asking anything in return. But the more unconditional love u gave the more of me wanting to know how would that could possibly achieved...
In my difficulties trusting man around me, you have secured my confidence but passing one to another test that i produce without you knowing it...

Trust me that i yearn for the touch although im not sure what is in my mind n heart when i came last month. I just need u to prove u are the same like the rest of them in the universe but u failed me... and the comeback is just to make sure u are a man and a gentleman just like i wanted it to be...

You may ignore all those above bcos i am not just saying this to make u feel good but i write from my heart... the bondage of soul that i created in my life to be connected to a person so far away is isnt easy...

Although the consequences are huge but its the adventure that i take in order for me to please the real ME in her search of her soul partner...
Soul doesnt have to be marry off... soul is just to be connected... just continue to love and it will come back to u if its meant for you... thats what i believe so far...

We talked so much dont we... i can still feel the warmth of ur body, the smell, the lazy hands on my body, its all captured in my mind n soul... its hard to erase... but again when u found someone right, someone better, please do tell me so that i will disconnected the bondage of ur soul to me, so that u can concentrate on the love u having, so that u wont have to think of me while u making love to her. Please promise me...

Just let me love you the way you are... just let me feel the love you have for me... time for me to express what i have not done the entire of my life ...

Just let me call you sayang, yes it comes directly from my heart n no one have earned that special place just as yet...

dont ask me why you, dont ask me why now, dont ask me where do i begin, i hold the whole answer of getting to know you, love you and what i want from you... you have said it ut loud, you have already given me the answer, but all in all im am going to let god to decide for me and at the same time let me just feel being loved by someone i want to be... with or without getting it back from you, i have already feel what i wanted, and achieved my dreams in true life even for a little while...

I still need and answer of the 5 questions... if you dnt respons to this then i know the answer is NO and i am not worth to get your love the way u said it... im not trying to make anything worst but at this point of time i wanna take the opportunity to feel free to express even if i cant get it right...

Darling no pressure, its just the way of telling.

I have never had things comes my way, NEVER... so do you right?
I heard u that nite... i turn around to hide my tears when u ask whether i am giggling... there is reason why god never grant us the love we want earlier bcos he wants us to experience more bfore the give the best... thats what i believe...

No matter how many times man come to my life n try to make it out and they never find way to knock the door, and never wanted to try again till i give up.. yes there is but then its about testing the warmth of the water i guess... Once they know the took the liberty to walk away....

I would not wait till one day u tell me "this is the last day we are going to meet. It is because i have found someone" once he said... yes i took so long... as long as i took to come back to u last month as i am a slow pacer, a slow observer and take long time to build feelings and confidence.. but u are still there along the way and i dont want to miss again of saying do i deserve a place in your heart to be loved???

You would be in silence for you long if you choose to ignore or confused of what you in your mind and heart... i'll understand!! its not easy... in search of your aim in securing SECURED LIFE you will forget some little thing you shouldnt missed... and behind a success of a man there will always be a woman... its in your hand... im sure behind your mom there is your dad and behind your dad there is your mom, no matter how they fight, they are still there with the love that bond them for the past 42 or 43 years already...

dont ask me how did i get all this just like you, we need time to meditate few hourss just to answer some question of our hearts that usually ppl failed to do..

im done dear..
with question of my heart, question to my conquest where are the love...
it is indeed in oneself and it was never heard but the others... and i believe when you love tricia you gain one you loose one thing rite... you managed to give as much but failed to get some and at the end you part your ways n frusturated with question why didnt i do so....

i have taken my chance... i leave my question here... should it come back then god has answered my prayer... should it stays here then it stays with you and it means you dont wish to share it at all

yes i am hesitating to send this, why??
should i loose you forever for asking at least i have already said it, expressed it , you managed to feel the real love which come together in the intimacy. waking up a woman desire, n shut it up again is solely is your hand... you have taste it, feel it, wanting it, envelope it in the warmth of emotions and feelings.. otherwise all those wont be happening if only one is tangoing...

If i loose you in real, i have already taste you, loved you and feel you.. its really up to you...
SECURING LIFE financially is important but securing love for life also are part of making life beautiful and happy...
life is a choice darling...

No matter what your answer is, i will still love you in my own way... will still be there quietly waiting for the sun and moon to bring me the light again in my life....

Dedicated to he is the wonderful

Trust and Faith....

Something to ponder my mind around... People and their attitude & behaviour are not the same... This to remind me always that every creature has their own beauty created by HIM...







Dear ______,

I am touched with ... ur... message, actually i feel down at the moment , to be frank its been a year now, but i am keeping my sadness within myself. I try to divert things away from my life and feelings. At times i blame my husband , at times i wish i never whats happening around. Cos i remember my friend told me, wht u dont know will not hurt u. But when u found out about certain things, it hurts like hell, cuts u and leave u bleeding. Heart broken into pieces.

U know i never really had a friend i can really call best friend , be it in real or at work place. I keep most things to myself, cos i dare not trust anyone.

Sometime along the way i found a few friends whom i liked , though they had their bad points , but hey thats what friends are for, accept their good and bad points, no one is perfect but one day, this person called a friend was hurting u and my family.

Had lots of problem in marriage till i hated to see my hubby, never felt that hate b4 so much, to the extend i wanted him out of the house. Shouts quarrel is a daily routine and he seem to drift far from me.

Until my hub consulted a guy who could see things what u call that , ermm kind of like dukun,, it seemed that,, we had been put in a spell. This person whom i thought was my friend , whom i confided in, for my problems was the one who did this to me. She wanted to see me suffer, jeolousy is the reason .

I couldnt take it, nor belive it, until i went to see the man himself. Until now i couldnt bare to see her face or be close to anyone. I stay away from ppl or relatives. I didnt talk to her ever since, i couldnt !! I tried to be nice to her again but my heart couldnt bare to be hurt again and pretend nothing happened.

No body knows why i avoided her. Why i am not talking to her even though i am in the same room as her. Each time i see her, my heart hurts again. She has taken away my peace. I dont blame her but myself. i told myself that i would never trust any one ever again.

I know i need to regain back my feelings , my honour, my peace and my strength, i wont let her take away all that . What ever spell she wants to put on me, god is there to guide me and i can be strong.

I keep reminding myself so thats why i am online reading blogs , taking examples, collecting courage from readers , thinking if they can make it,, i can too.


Thank you _____, for offering ....ur.... time for me . A _______whom u dont really know. Some how i am telling u this , cos i need to get things out of my chest. Time will heal the hurt , the pain, but it will never be forgotten for the wound will leave a scar.

Eternity

Priority is always yourself. Dont put anyone first except HIM the one who thinks of you all the time. Waiting for you to praise HIM, seek solace in HIM, find peace in HIM.















Never explain, who ever can understand you will take you as it is














"Dont deny your own needs and wants.
The only one who able to love and understand what you want is ONLY YOU"



















"You choose to decide the best for you, be it yesterday, now or tomorrow.
Best choice leading the wiser you"


















"We often make wrong judgement over people we love.
Let them love you more than you love them"












"Emotions leads to failure"



















"Time wait for no one, enjoy life as it is, be thankful because what ever you've tasted makes you eager to have more"