Changes

Category: Blogging

Released: 190906
Mood: Alert

It has to be constant change or other wise you won't be changing at all. Courage is what I dont have now. Ask me to do the toughest job, insyaallah I'll find a mechanism to work it out, ask me to fix things in the house insyaallah I'll find a right tools to fix it, ask me to jump from one place to another insyaallah I will find ways to be there, ask me anything but not a marriage proposal.

"What's wrong with you"
"I dont know..."
"He is certain....
"But im not..."
"What else do you want?"
"I dont know"
"What else he dont have?"
"He got it everything..."
"Then what is not right then?"
"Me..... I cant convince myself I will make him happy as he think I would, although I think he would make me happy, he prove me before, he prove me now and still trying to convinced me tomorrow. Do you think he ever give up"
"Im not sure Na...its depending on what you want"

Was I needing a partner badly? Was I so lonely? Was I bad financially? Was I not having company as in family or kids? Was I not supported enough by friends? Was I not having enough love around me be it from girlfriends, siblings, boyfriends, relatives and etc? Was I stingy to pour my love to anyone? Was I not doing what I wanted to do?

He understand it all of what I have left, what I'm pacing around now and what I am looking forward next. He knows it all because he has been there hearing me punching or pouring the words and he was there to nurture and cherish all the pain that I pour for him to listen, for him to lend his shoulder to lean.

Day by day I was leaning closer, mingling around like a kitten getting his full attention and love. He is pouring it unconditionally without saying anything more nor less. He know I dont like to be pushed, nor being posses, he knows I will turn to him as and when I need him and will say no when he cant.

Thats what has started as friends and slowly changed as close for the emotional feel to bond us together. I was split into two in between friends and turning it into a lover but HOW?

Those comfortable zone I created for him was actually reversed now. Just like what I wanted. Would I let it ruined just because Im confused?

"I leave it to you to decide dear.... I dont know how else I can prove you... You stop me from seeing your parents, you stop me from sending my people to your house...Think.... Take your time..."
"How long can you wait?"
"I hope not long"
"Why?" still testing him to the max which I know the answer within
... He keep quiet, turning his face away hiding his feelings. I know I hurt him but to convince me of tomorrow that I wasnt sure, is really hard. He knows many is coming to the way waiting for my opening at anytime it strikes my mood to say yes. He knows that my moods and colours always varies at times but he knows if Im treated right the bright colours was never failed to capture peoples mind and attention. With that I reserve the possibility of them to come in nearer, closer.

There is few in mind which I have already make my thinking of opening, or just tickling or rather make em feel more comfortable but not looking for possibility of being a lover. *sigh* Difficult indeed because once im in it I wont be able to turn back but to accept.

And with that I remember the chat with an Australian guy last week of my believe in our faith and god. He was so certain that god is within us only if we really know how to find the real us and accepting HIM in the daily life and believe of what happen to ourself are actually derive by what we do.

I know the answer is already there it is just the time for my opening to embark the new life. Life is a game and the ten rules applies. And if Love is a game too then the adventure is within us who is willing to accept the challenge to go through it.

I will have to consider many quest and options which may come within sooner or later.


Insyaallah....
7.35pm

Pride and Prejudice OR Proud without Prejudice

Current mood: cheerful
Category: Blogging
Released:140906
Mood: Proud

People always relate looks with attitude and behaviour.

The skin, the look, the way they carry themselves always been observe and judge. Be it male or female. Why people are so judgemental?

Even close friend. My take is, human have got their strengths and weaknesses. Individuals comes in a package of what they are. I have no say on that but to take them as it is.

This came from a short question "what do you think of him being my future husband?". My daughter, as a close example said this "not suitable lah ibu". I smiled and already had that answer within my mind. I probe her further…

"Why darling?"….

"He is dark mom, and you are fair…."

"So?? You father was dark too and so do all of you…."

She smiled, unable to answered further and I hugged her and explained. The outer skin is not what matter in a person. It is where your attitude and behaviour is much more important than the colour that you seen in a person. Your heart is what matter most.

One marriage and three times lover with charisma, looks and own integrity failed to prove me looks are what they are. Pleasant to see, nice to be with aren't giving you definite happiness and suitability as a partner. They are fragile yet as vulnerable as women are.

Women are tougher than them. Proven and endorsed by many superb mom in the world. Although they have to raised the kids alone they are still survivor and looking forward for tomorrow. That's what I call "Proud & without Prejudice".

Back to "Pride & Prejudice" it came with a price. The walk with the look full of pride and people look and being prejudice. By showing good look, it portrays good behaviour, attitude and charisma. How true it is?? Look up and ask yourself.

Even my best friend commented this "3 months for him to get fairer?" Yes, it hurts me but that's her personal views. They are even school mates during their school days. When I probe her further she did not answer me. Noted her sincerity and honesty and I moved on. While the other says not suitable comparing my personality and his, before knowing the real him. She just know him from the surface.

I was interrogated and asked many questions but I answer to the best I know. And he keep on pestering for my decision. I need time to find out the honesty and sincerity. Today I was shut up again by things that he wants to do. I just need a prove not anymore talk over things which has wasted my time.

If this is a tough testament to you, yes indeed it is. I trust guys no more. Prove me, tell me I'm wrong with reasons to believe. I'll give you my hand. Lets walk together along the path of life. If you like to talked it over, share with me and aim the goal to come nearer. Ill hold your hand, lets cherish it, lets nurture and and if it doesn't happen after we tried, I don't mind afterall, I have given me myself a chance and you have taste the bitterness of the path that we walk through.

A chance indeed is what I am giving me and you.

Prove me, that's all.

7.02pm

hESItaTING...

Category: Romance and Relationships

Released: 080906
Mood: Quizicall

Not sure.... thats the words of my feelings.
Question posted was left unanswered, just as yet.
I need to do ground checked and lots of digging work to do.

1. Sense of Responsibility
2. Sense of Humour
3. Sense of Loving
4. Sense of Labourship
5. Sense of Freindship
6. Sense of Respect
7. Sense of Honour
8. Sense of Logic
9. Sense of Maturity
10. Sense of Commitment

And my list can go on forever. You will feel bored but its amused me somehow. The more I take it, the more it blends in me softly, lovingly and caressing my life.

People said I made things so complex, like seing horror movie. The difficulties are made to make a simple life once everything is sorted when you are made to be mine. Past is lesson, learnings makes one matured and wise. The complexity makes me whom I am today and no matter how hard the case is, I am able to stand strong and walk through my destiny.

Im coming to the end soon? Yes, when I have made the decision.

Marry or not to marry? :-)

5.26pm

Scent of Trusting

Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

Released: 060906
Mood: shaky

Ive been quiet for the past 2 weeks...
Why??? Consoling, encapsulating, invigorating my mind into a new path again. A change of lane. Why be in a same path which offers nothing. I have to move on. Time is getting shorter. For me, my kids and future.

Alhamdullillah I took it simpler and not harder like the last. Give a notion, signal and waited for the light to change but they aint any colours strikes. So I move on.

My best fren wedding was the most glamourous after Datuk K and CT. She was beautiful, astonishing and sweet. To "Tee and Roslee" CONGRATULATIONs, semoga berkekalan keanak cucu.

While the other was officially divorced for the second time. Perhaps theres a blessing besides the separation. She is now more happy and focused and not to mentioned enjoying the name of freedom and happy life with people around her. To "R", redhalah dalam menerima setiap percubaan dan dugaan yang dianugerahinya.

While me? Many things happens. Yup. Managing my children most importantly who look forward to Auntie Glamour's wedding of the year. Family bondage getting better and friends who has been there always to boost support and motivate.

Love life... I have to put it a stop. Its too pain for him to go through the difficulties. No, not that I dont love him. Because I do I have to let him go back to his wife and family. Hearing her voice, hearing her mumbling. I know theres something wrong in their marriage, in her and him. Not just one party. Marriage is sharing, both has to share emotional bondage, difficulties, happiness, consequences, anything that comes up there and then along the journey of life.

Hurt, sad, or happy, am I not feeling that when I have to let go? I do, yes, but I have to be sincere to myself. In order for me to be happy I cant live in another person misery. If he cant stand for me, behind me or being a supporter to me, can I be his shadow behind all the plan and fantasies we have in future. Obsolutely not. Go on stabilise your life. I will be fine. Insyaallah god willing.

And when comes to that, a fren who has been there always swept me from the downfall by listening, encouraging, boosting, motivating and advising suddenly tickle me with a statement "Farm, I symphatize with you". I was stunned then was laughing. "Hoi, since when you know how to talk like this?" Being me, we talk, we argue, we laugh, we shared a good time karaokeing, teh tariking, gathering, kenduri's and etc. Never that I thought he would say things like that. In a row of the week he has been there pacifying, talking, rambling, scolding and yet pouring how he feels when he saw these people making use of me while I'm there.

It was like a slap and also dreaming in a day light when he asked me "what do you actually want and what do you want in a man?"... Eh mamat tak de kene mengenanya soklan kamu tu dengan apa yang aku hadapilah. Apasal you ni?"...

He has been trying to fix date for me despite my ignorance, but with his presence I agree to meet his fren few times. It doesnt give me any feel altho we can be frens, I can say good frens but I dont and cant take them as closer and he wants me to be. At last he, himself after being with me almost everyday, he broke the silence "I never feel in love like I do with you". My eyes almost pop out, my heart stop beating, I feel shallow and I thought I am going to vomit or faint.

He is falling for me? Hello did I hear it correctly? Yes, sms, call, meeting make us very close just like Im having my gfs with me. I feel safe, I feel good, I feel everything. I like to tease, not just him. Natural flirt, some would say, it was just for stimulation of brains and mind. Not that I think it would be taken seriously and it does mean something for him.

And 2 days ago I was proposed again and that makes me so confused. Commitment scares me?? I want to be love and loved but yet im scared I would failed again. To give is nothing, to expect is something. Would I deliver, would I be getting the right things Ive asked for. I leave it to him. A fren of mine suggesting "Istikharah" and give myself a chance until June next year.

I will have to settle my case with Naz and Im moving. To accept or not I will have to let time decide for me beside seeking solace in HIM to guide me. I hope he is the right one for me as Ive seen the quality and prove which is not just coincidence.

Restui aku....

1.44pm