The Blinking Thoughts

Category: Blogging

Released: 280706
Mood: Quizicall

Can we change you???
Can we change ourself???

I take the easiest one, which is changing me. No point in asking them, him or you to change. If it does not derive from oneself it will never work. Not yesterday, now, today, tomorrow or never. It comes from ownself. Thats for sure!!

Boosting, motivating and urging!! That's about all you can do to make it up being supporting to everyone around you. To expect the better?? You never know... To be safe expect for the worst. It will guide you with more options and take the opportunity arise as a challenge that come by.

And be blessed if it is what you expect if not find another way. Never give up for tomorrow will surely brings sunshine unless HE says otherwise....

11.01am

Cherish

CATEGORY: Pouring

Released: 270706
Mood: Calm

Persistent!!! Something that I hate to stand by or next to you. Not only you, anyone else. I would make my way far from your vision or illusion. You have become a legend. God help me please. I dont want to make another people hurt by me.

What I have for Naz will remain. Whether we make it or not. Now I begin to understand what HE meant by "if its meant for you, it will be yours". And with that I continue with what I have and enjoy of what I am offered.

Cherishing the moment we had before, yesterday and may be tomorrow. Nurturing my heart with the thoughts and love that comes almost every night.

6.27pm

Insan

Category Blogging

Released:280706
Mood: Contented

Tidak semestinya cinta ada penghujung, tak semua kehidupan berakhir dengan kebahagian atau kedukaan. Yang penting adalah perjalanan kehidupan itu sendiri. Bagaimana kita menangani dan menghindari yang mendatang dan didatangkan dalam bentuk dugaan atau juga penghargaan.

Manis pahit kehidupan adalah intisari yang amat indah bagi setiap makhluk rasakan. Tapi tak semua insan dapat mentafsirkan apakah itu sehingga mata dicelikkan oleh rasa ketaqwaan dan keimanan mengharungi sesuatu dugaan ciptaan tuhan.

Apakah menang jutaan wang loteri sebagai satu persembahan atau penghargaan? Sesuatu yang akan membuat hidup kita berubah dalam sekelip mata. Dan dikala itu datang pula Jabatan Hasil Dalam Negeri, saudara mara yang tak pernah kita kenal, handai taulan, rakan dan sekutu. Dari rumah kecil berubah ke singgahsana istana.

Dapatkah kita melihat itu satu penghargaan atau percubaan maupun dugaan??? Hanya mata hati kita yang akan nampak dan melihat keseluruhan ruang yang tercipta dari situ. (Bukalah matamu melihat keindahan ku maupun celakaku)

Allah maha pemurah dalam memberi. "Mintalah padaku tanpa rasa ragu, akan ku perkenankan" cuma kita lupa apa yang diminta hanyalah solat lima waktu, menghindar yang mungkar, melakukan kebaikan. Amat kecil permintaan nya dibandingkan permintaan kita umatnya.

Aku telah lari dari tajuk sebenar. Pencarian mengenali, menghargai erti cinta, kasih dan sayang sangat besar. Datang dari segala sudut, waktu dan ruang. Hanya mereka yang mengenali diri, hati dan keinginan akan menemui apa yang dicari.

Telah kutemui kini dan hanya DIA yang akan menentukan ketentuan akhiran cerita manusia, dunia dan akhirahnya.

Amin...
10.33am

The Unmistaken Love

Current mood: contemplative

Released: 260706

Men are a HUNTER. They are good at that. They have style, way and goal how to achieve it.

I'm not looking, but they will look for me. Enjoying it at every corner now and putting myself into mute mode. All the angles brings a lot of colours and joy altho pain is not forgotten, but all in all it is sweet in a way. To know, to object, to follow, to let go altho some are not indespensable.

The answer gotten yesterday and my next action follows. Taken and not owned thats what I am.

Legend and history 20 years ago hunting and keep on pacing the beat I'm beating. Being irresistible and pushing till one short note given, I want to be who I am now, ALONE but my heart is taken.

I know he is sad but I better be honest to myself. I know you love me since way back, I know your mom object our relations hence you married another girl. Tho you are not happy but then I was not meant for you.

I reserve myself for my kids and him that was now on silent mode due to some circumstances. Which is better for me and him.

As for Zul, I'm sorry may be when god says yes, when he says I should turn to you, I'll be there for you. As for now please mend things with her. Kids needs you.

Me??? I will be safe in HIS hand. HE knows better what for me and I know better what I want. Definitely it is not you. Im sorry....

11.35am

SCENT OF LOVE

200706

Category : Pouring

Sayang dikala aku dikelabui perasaan rindu, semalamku yang kutinggalkan selama 20 tahun kembali merona awan dilangit mengamit awan, merintis bintang, menyelar pelangi, menyerlah bumi dan menyelak rasa hati...

Tiba-tiba ia hadir setelah hilang selama 20 tahun. Sedang kau hanya 15 tahun yang lampau. Namun apa yang aku ada sekarang hanya jiwa kosong, hampa, luka, tersasar kedasar impian yang tak sudah...

Aku mula membenci pertalian, membenci penantian, aku menyusur langkah santai kedaerah sepi mencari ketenangan. Aku lebih tenang begini,senang, damai tanpa berperang dengan perasaan. Mereka in mencintaiku?? Biarkan… Mereka ingin meraihku??? Biarkan… Mereka ingin mencari perhatianku??? Biarkan…

Aku dengan duniaku, anak-anak, teman rapat yang lebih rapat dari kekasih yang lebih mengerti dari kekasih, lebih menyayangi dari kekasih, lebih prihatin dari kekasih.

Aku jadi semakin keliru antara yang kucinta dan yang mencintaiku.

“Tell them you are taken”

On what ground do I am sure that I am taken???

“Do you want me to meet and tell your mom”

If you need to…

“Ill find time, ill do that….”

And so till now I never did believe him. To gain my trust??? You got to pay for it… How long??? Don’t ask…

I wont be thinking about what I will have with him. I will have to leave to him. And last night I ache to hear his voice again telling me he miss me but no, I did nothing to make that realize and heard to my ears.

By morning the ache became unbearable and thus the call is made just to say hi and it makes me ache to be with him again. I miss him, yes despite my hatred towards him. BOLD!!! Yes, I am when I say that but deep in me is so shallow, melt, soft.

On the other hand the other party is bugging me more and more for the attention. Tired. I am very tired of relations. I am on mute mode now. Please don’t ask me to love, yes, the heart is taken. No matter how we made it 20 years ago the feelings of loving you is not there. I can only befriend with you. And I don’t have a way to tell him that.

Abang I wish you can hold me. Warm, comfortable and safe.

I miss you…

3.25pm

Inner Feed 4

181706
Category: Pouring


By 7pm I am already missing him badly but i have to be strong to overcome all the feelings. Yes, i love him but i must be able to strive for tomorrow. With or without him i am still strong and tough to face tomorrow.

Childrens talk hurts me more when they are discussing about CT and Datuk Khalid. I told them i am going to marry a Datuk too.
Eiman look at me sternly.... "No, you can't!"
I turn to her.... "Why?"
"You are marrying papa"
I turn my head away, Amani continues "ibu, kawin dengan Uncle Nazli"
Conversation stop there. I dont want to continue it nor discuss about it. No one should know what i had in mind and in my heart anymore. I have speak enough, said enough. I am embarking new stage of my life.

People can love me, people can share their joy with me, people can accompany me as and when they are free and i am free. But sharing my life like I shared with my kids and family, they have to think about it again.

Prove me you love me, prove me I'm important to you, prove me I am worth for you, which some has done that, but then that small portion of heart belongs to someone who dont appreciate and think that i would not turn around and flea again. Once i set my foot and mind, i'll be fading again to everyone's life. Im only waiting for the right time. Mercy??? I dont know... Blessing??? I'll talk to my father soon for his idea and opinion. The rest can go fly kite.

Somehow I think I manage to overuled Mr Wonderful. As much attention given and his words do give me ease of my when im in vain. I need nothing much than a company not just a body without a soul or soul without a body. I am greedy yes, I admit but to some visible things that I can have. If i couldnt, so its time to let go again.

Pain??? Yup, it is but it will heal with time if i allow it. So lets give a little bit more time while I enjoy everyone attention and love. And to you abang ... take your time and just hope time will not leave you far behind again like 15 years ago.

Aku tak akan menagih lagi seperti peminta sedekah walau kasih, perhatian, sayang ataupun apa yang kau pinjam dari ku. Cukup sudah "Suratan atau Kebetulan". Aku harus teruskan kehidupan....

2.14pm

Happy Birthday Me!!!

Penna: Lynna
Released: 170706
Mood: Cool

Category: Blogging

I had a quiet birthday this year. Secluding myself from outer world and only celebrating with my loved ones and dearest friends. My kids was the most happiest person. Early in the morning hugging and tugging with me on my bed holding me close and a birthday wished and kissed was then heared and felt.

Early in the morning I was ready to take my kids n nephew for a treat. I was holding the hurt in me badly just to look happy around them and a question was asked "Bu we are going to have lunch at the lake". I gulp and swallow the question slowly ask them back "who wants to have lunch with Uncle?" Four out of five did. When i asked Nana then she says "oklah bu jom lets go".

I sat in the car for quite some time to think. I will hurt 4 out of 5 if i don't go and it has been almost a month they have not seem him. I drive slowly and still pacing with my thoughts within me and exploring the needs to be there. I was actually have set my mind to take them for movie, library, park and landscape exhibition in Perdana Lake. I gave in because Ii need them because they are very happy and it was my birthday.

Shira of all thought, he is treating us but the was puzzled then why i paid the bills instead of him. I explain to her that since it was my birthday it is my duty to treat everyone not him. I told her that later at night a friend of mine will be throwing a party for me. She was silent after. She knows usually I will cook for my friends to gather at my place for lunch or dinner. I dont want to have that this year.

It was an enjoyable lunch actually. I saw everyone smilling happily not to exclude my nephew. The lake of tears enlosed within my heart, i was actually then portraying the other me. The drive home was slow and easy. I was suppose to them to KLCC then for jalan-jalan. Nana has something to buy and Shira is suppose to belanja me. I smile at her thoughts. Pleasing them on my birthday always bring joy in me. After dinner Anum called that she is on the way. The birthday treat was good.

This birthday has bring a total of new me who knows what I need and want for my next path of life. I have all those that I love to be with except man who I can call lover or husband. Other than that im fulfilled with strengths, courage and blessed.

4 days ago someone who dated me 20 years ago spitting what he has hold for me ever since he set his eyes on me during my school days. After he has a chance to date me he did ask his mom to sent his proposal to my house until the later he found out his mom didn't for some reason.

He was so frusturated married someone who is recommended by a friend and still married till now. To hear what he has kept for me all this days has brought a wide smile from ear to ear but "it was too late already" i told him. We are never meant to be together. Yes, i did went out with him. I was just so naive back then, just after school and i wasn't looking for anyone besides that time Amin, my first boyfriend is there (hahhaah cinta monyet betul). During back then to me they came just as friends.

Too many, I have to runaway from them. Why?? My bubbly and jovial attitude can be adaptable by anybody even the pakciks and makciks. They can even join me in the netball team player once i convinced them to participate. Till now if i even meet the pakciks and makciks again they will talk and talk and talk without stopping. With my status now, i cant be talking to anyone like i used to do. Fitnah and backstabber are everywhere. But i believe i do nothing to hurt anyone and that stays with me forever.

Would i change myself into someone else?? Would he ever understand what i want? Stop asking lynna. A constant change in life start from within. I am embarking my new life now. Relationship tire me entirely. I'll take just the face no more no less now on....

Have a nice day folks...

12.43pm

Penna: Lynna
Released: 140706
Moods:


Category: Blogging

Yes, I did it Again

Yes, I did it AGAIN!!!!
Current mood: excited

Penna: :Lynna
Released:130706
Mood: Intoxicated

Am laughing my ass out and happy for " errrr " is so bengang with me... You want to know who???? "errrr" has been reading and peeping and smirking but still tak puashati. TAPI KENAPA yea... and someone else will say ... (benda yang tulis yang hidup ke mati ke tak de kene mengena langsung at allll. Terasa???? ada makan pengat??? sendiri ingat... aku dah penat diam ;-))

No, no babeh you are wrong. First of all welcome to my obnoxious den and space. I spit, i rant to my ease my mind, the pleasure to talk to myself is by writing. Where, why and what for ??? It is up to me. Sapa suruh you datang and tengok??? Baca buat sakit hati lagi...

Aku tulis untuk engkau ke??? Hello banyak lagi orang nak baca!! Kalau tak bacapun I write for my own purpose. Kalau pun semua orang nak menipu i ke, you ke, dia ke, mereka ke, itu mereka punya pasal. Yang penting i kena, u pun kena, dia pun kena, mereka pun kena, lepas ni mesti ada lagi yang banyak kena tempias. Nak tau sebab??? Sebab dia tak puashati!!!!

You have trigger the evil me, you have always wanted me to react and here i am. Liars are everywhere. I can be one but what for??? What makes you special while ----------- can't differentiate the specialities in her, you, me and them. Greedy chauvinist pig!!!

"My apologies to all ugly looking bitches who cannot stop praising themselves...all they do is say how pretty or sexy they are...It makes my stomach turn..."

Her anger shown in her words

This is what i found in my blogspot comments when someone without a guts and ballz commenting about my stats remarks. You want me to be sad over it??? You want me to whining about it? Kkekekekekeke after this you can tell or burst the volcanic mountain of my temper or anger??? WRong!!!!! im going to giggle, laugh, and smile... YOuve made my day sweetie, with your beautiful eyes, and muka cembrut, you obsolutely looks so funny and pretty. You are pretty and beautiful. But you dont know what you are good at. Telling what ever pleased you??? Go on hon... make yourself and day beautiful.... She cant come here and read i guess but peeping into my private den!!! Llaaaaaaaaaaa tak malunya (eh aku keee??? mungkin kot aku yang perasan... tak pe at least aku sedar diri and tau diri)

Please forgive Me, I cant Stop Lovin YOu....

Abang,

Ini untukmu,
Kejauhan akan mengajar erti kasih sayang atau erti sebenar apa yang kita impikan. Muga abang akan terus sejahtera dan gembira selalu disamping tersayang dan keluarga. Doaku sentiasa mengiringi malam dan siangmu.....

It still feels like our first night together
Feels like the first kiss and
It's gettin' better baby
No one can better this
I'm still hold on and you're still the one
The first time our eyes met it's the same feelin' I get
Only feels much stronger and I wanna love ya longer
You still turn the fire on

So If you're feelin' lonely.. don't
You're the only one I'd ever want
I only wanna make it good
So if I love ya a little more than I should

Please forgive me I know not what I do
Please forgive me I can't stop lovin' you
Don't deny me

This pain I'm going through
Please forgive me
If I need ya like I do
Please believe me
Every word I say is true
Please forgive me I can't stop loving you
Still feels like our best times are together
Feels like the first touch

We're still gettin' closer baby
Can't get close enough I'm still holdin' on
You're still number one I remember the smell of your skin
I remember everything
I remember all your moves
I remember you
I remember the nights ya know I still do

One thing I'm sure of
Is the way we make love
And the one thing I depend on
Is for us to stay strong
With every word and every breath I'm prayin'
That's why I'm sayin'...

Man and Woman

God created WOMEN
From the rib of a MAN
Not from his Head
To Top him up
Neither From his Feet
To be Walked upon
She was made from his Side
To be his Equal
From Under his Arm
To be protected by Him
From very near his Heart
To be LOVED by him

And now i am going to seclude myself in my barns. Calm and quiet far away from anyone as i was made by mistake....

Colours of HER

Colours of Her
Current mood: calm

Penna: Lynna
Released: 110706
Mood: Unsure

How raunchy can farm be? How wild can she goes? How adventurous she can be? How evil she is towards people around her? How kind is she when she is only a farmgirl who barely have everything except the angel of god?

For the love HE grant for her. She seek for HIS mercy and blessing. Although she is given all the hardest testament in life, she took it with smile although her heart cried in pain, soul cried in vain but she knows at the end of the day when she carry her FAITH close within her and believe this is only a small testament in her path, she would then smile again with the morning glory, with the sun shining, with the rainbows piercing colours, with the sparkling stars blinking and with the moon brimming bright.

This is what she loves most. In her there is greens, water, wind, earth, horizon, rainbows, sun, stars. thunderstorm and moonlight. The nature characteristics is captured in her soul and mind for reason to believe and understand why it is created such way.
The water element sooth her mind and soul whenever she is raptured with emotions or disturb by people surround her. She finds her passion by secluding herself at the beach or being in the forest where greens resides all her volcanic emotions or sadness. She soaked herself in the coldness and recite as many of his calming word of wisdom to soothe herself in the beauty life and nature.

Her willingness to accept any kind of obstacles and consequences after the fall or her marriage and the opennes of advice and word of tomorrow. Her past is her benchmark of living now and day after. Being positive and cautious all the time doesn't make her less than a person who does make mistakes from time to time.
With full of smile she started her status being a wife after choosing her man of her life. Hoping and praying it will be everafter. But she believe HE set her path the way it is in 'Tajul Muluk" her book of faith and fate.

She is aiming to have beautiful life with him till the end but she is holding her faith, she will again meet her soulmate or rather end her life with her beautiful angel of heart till a day they are taken by their soul partner.

Till next she is blessed somehow she still can smile, have a shelter for her beloved daughter, home that filled of love and joy, love from her friends and admirers, prays from the above who decides of her life tomorrow.

3.20pm

Man and ME...

Penna: Lynna
Released: 100706 12.28pm
Mood: Confused

Category: Blogging

My feelings towards men nowadays are upside down and mixed up. Yes, I do enjoy their company but thats about all. For the time shared, moment explored and understanding captured. Apart from that soon after i went home, be with my friends, family or kids they are forgotten again.

When im alone again, one by one come question pops out again for me to think. Worth or not， to have or not to have, to be with, to think of, reasons to believe, why they are here for me. Would i need them as they needed me. Would i be fair to them just the way I was with my ex hb.

How true it is they are for me?

Yes, they are charming, warm, comfortable, hard, witty, soft, calming, but a reason for them to accomodate me in their zone, or my zone is still a question to me.

Why are they needed in my life?
I need to be love not just to be taken forgranted. Where you forget about me in between your busy schedule or be it with anyone you are in to. Love and affection are not just suppose to be shown by words or actions. There are many ways formality or not. Perhaps i have many to give but not to received or may be i am forgetting i never forgotten by HIM. He love me indeed whenever i thought about him every now and then. Whenever i am. Its just the way im showing it perhaps not right. Or may be not enough.

Weird

Penna: Lynna
Released: 070706
Mood: Worried

Men nowadays come cheap with weird idea and thinking. Scary and sarcastic at times. It makes me think so much about them again. Why i am still around them, talking, understanding and share their thoughts.

But it was not the point and the main subject. Most of them are so self centred and greedy. They just want what they want and releasing it in many forms and way. E.g straying, having scandal or affair despite being married, rape, etc.

Wierd really weird...

Angels Among Us, Angels Within Us
Category: Goals, Plans, Hopes

Penna: Lynna
Released: 060706
Mood: Cheerfull

Category: Sharing

Terpanggil dengan rasa kecintaan terhadap seluruh umat didunia. Yang kaya tetap kaya, yang miskin tetap hina, yang gah tetap diatas sana, yang susah tetap mencari dirinnya.

Semasa pelayaranku mencari dan tercari hati terpanggil dengan frasa yang sangat menarik ini maka kuteruskan pelayaran sehingga menusuk jauh kesudut hati. Walau aku susah hari ini, ada lagi yang lebih susah. Mungkin kita tak menyedari kerana kealpaan dalam pencarian duniawi dan diri namu ukhuwah kemudian hari sering dilupakan.

Bagi yang ingin mengerti apakah pencarian hidup dan ketajaman mata hati inilah yang ingin ku kongsi hari ini. Frasa yang akan menyatakan seribu keindahan terhadap ciptaan illahi. Untuk Ida terimakasih kerana pengongsianmu...

"Angels Among Us, Angels Within Us"

(http://www.ummikusayang.com/)

Rumah Titian Ashraful Rohaniah
C/O Tamjis Hj Rakim and Rohana Saidin
53-B Kg Selabak Luar Batu 3
Jalan Changkat Jong
36000 Teluk Intan, Perak, Malaysia

Rumah Titian Ashraful Rohaniah Teluk Intan:

"To Live, To Learn, To Love, To Leave A Legacy"

Kita semakin lupa apabila kita senang, kita diduga sedikit tapi amat berkeluh kesah, namun mereka yang disana lebih derita namun senyum tetap tersungging jua. Doaku untuk mereka agar terus tersenyum kerana senyum mereka merupakan mentari bagi mereka yang tahu erti hidup yang sebenarnya...

Ameen

10.12am

New Born

New Born
Current mood: cheerful

Penna: Lynna
Released: 060706
Mood: Happy

Category: Family

To add more joy of the day, i just had another nephew. Born at about 3.30pm, 05 July 06. Cute, fair, round and beautiful. It's another Cancerian in the family besides my brother and me. So now we have 4 persons born in July beside my cousin brother in Melaka.

It has been eight years since my baby was born, now i get to smell the aura from heaven they said on newborn baby. So i did last night, and my comments was :

"Euwwww, he smells egg"
Hahahahah alll of us laugh because that very morning i did some omellete with toast for all of us (breakfast) and my sister couldn't wait to taste it. Hence thats how the egg's smell comes from. But the rest of his body smell's so beautiful, I can't wait for him to be brought home so i can cuddle him, kiss him and lullaby him.

It has been long since, but im glad i had the chance again to do it even it is not mine. Alhamdullillah.....

9.45am

Understanding...

Penna: lynna
Released: 050706
Mood: Calm

Category: Blogging

"I thought you are nice person!"

Was i creating an impression i am one???

One of my chatter said that this morning on what said about life and how i take people as they are. When he hit me with some a subject of my SG trip. I didnt know that i have to explain to people on certain things i do in life of why things should be taken its way. Strange and at last he has to say sorry for making the statement of hurting me. I dont do things to please anyone but merely on work basis and things should be done has to be done.

What was the impression i gave to people when people seek for me? And how do people define NICE in the first place.

First of all i dont come to people to ask neither to get their attention. If they offer and i dont want to take it, again it is my decision for not taking it up after considering lots of things in the measurement. Perhaps i always take people wrongly on why they come to me offering help while i know very well i can manage it somehow. Insyaallah. I'll have my way hopefully.

Ill go in details of what i have gone through a bit here and there. While the generous and sincere people remain those with intentions are gone.


On the other hand, i had this regular chatter who sent reminder always n broadcast throughout. Most of the time i ignore but sometime when i feel like broadcasting it again, i did this morning. Out of hundreth's i receive three beautiful statement which is this

female: Bgus lah kalau dah sedar, tapi jgn hanya cakap aja. Hati busuk kena buang lah semua nya bermula dari hati.

male 1: wondering sejak bila cik farm jadi ahli ulamak

Male 2:yup.. kiamat tak penah jauh..

I laugh and do some reflections on this statements. I do or you do??? YOu know, i know, you knew....

Well this is how positive and negative people could be in judging and be judge. I rest my case somehow.


Im glad today my first dotter has make me proud despite the rest when they doing bad in their first term. My twins are not well. Ive been out of sleep for almost three days and due to my treatment i am really not me.

1.54pm

Kalut

Dikala temanku dilanda ribut kebahgiaan dan kegembiraan bila hari persandingan yang makin hampir, aku dilanda ribut kekalutan dengan apa yang kuinginkan. Kalut aku kalut, tak tahu apa yang ingin ku lakukan. Berikan sedikit masa lagi katanya. You got it! my heart say.

Tapi aku tak setuju apabila dia mahu berpaling dari meminta dariNYA dan melakukan sesuatu yang tidak patut. Hanya PADANYAlah tempat kita semua meminta dan memohon. Ada banyak jalan, istikharah, tahajjud. Itu lah yang paling afdal. Terbukti luas didepan mata. Lihatlah dari ketajaman hatimu.

Single...

Penna: Lynna
Released: 030706
Mood: Funny

Some men thinks it is strange for a person like me who have experienced life of living together sharing lots of things in life and now being alone to handle the difficult part of being alone and lonely. When sex was brought up I always smiled and then laugh at their ideas and opinion.

There is many reasons why sex is enjoyed by many and always reason why they arent too. I have my own reason and I think it is not difficult just to drift my mind away from it or simply think of other things or just call friend for a coffee. Theres so many way.

Yes indeed it was hard when I was alone on the bed and the feel of having a warmth of a person does strikes once a while when I was too tired to be away or to do something else. That is when reciting as many surah as I can or drift into a deep sleep. Most of the time I succeed but at times I failed.

Thinking of it the failure of my marriage which was caused by many things that comes from me who choose to keep things in my own self without sharing. Why I don’t like it neither enjoy it. I just give because it was my responsibilities to abide the needs of a man. Giving the best pleasure I can was an added task for me to earn what I need in the later life. But was I sincere and honest to myself that was another story.

Many of them would laugh at me but then I guess sometimes it is not about what im getting but what I can give most to make him happy. Despite the tiredness, the awfull feeling of not getting it right accordingly， I still think that’s the best I could do to make him fully satisfied, not being angry and remain calm. Stupid some may say but then it is just me who will fulfill every needs of his and wants. The rest are given to HIM to decide.

Yes only now I talk, I share, I voice it out but to a different people just to get an idea, simplicity should I shared my dreams and bed again in a form of marriage. But to make me able to agreed to the term of being in a commitment ermmm I need time, perhaps long till they get fedup like some did last time.

But I believe if ‘he’ is really honest and sincere no matter how long I took to say yes he will be able to accept me as I am. The colours that I offer in my life, the dark, the bright, shady, hazy, striking or pale im sure they will enjoy it just the way I took them. Whoever he is, once I accepted you and tie you deep in my emotional bondage will be cherrished and nurture like the greens around me, like the wind breezing, like the sun shinning, like the rain pouring, like the moon brimming, like the warmth you offered will be treasured deep in my thoughts, deep in my soul, sealed in my heart. But to make me open to it ‘he’ has to find a way, time, place, shot which triggers my softness to an oppening. The bitterness of yesterday has thought me a lot to be cautious yet I was still hurt. But then again it was just another lesson to learned, another moment to be kept in the box of memories.

While he is being quiet thinking of next step taken, I took the space to understand what I want, what I need or rather laying my path to the way I wanted to be. Friends has been filling me with their views and opinion to the extend taking a step of looking at the situation and place he residing just to make sure I was not fooled again by men.

One has asked me to move on, another said to get discreet and the other asks to be patience. Dear friends, my time frame is still wide open and clear. I shouldn’t take any neither actions nor getting any result now. I should remain calm and patient. Every action taken will surely comes with package of consequences and so I have to get ready for any of the results should I make a conclusion.

Time to rest again now. I need my brain again for Maggi Report… till then pal. And for you who is trying to understand me, here I am, this is me, the soft, the hard, the cranky, the silly, the cute?, the naughty (hehehe I am), sometime absurd, straight forward, romantic (when u get the right button bukan biten). Take your time to read and think while you are being hard there is a way to make u soft…beside proving you not all female are the same and not every male are comparatively same like you…

6.19pm

Individual...

Penna: Lynna
Released: 020606
Mood: Tired

By now that I know that being an individualistic is not easy. Everywhere I go there is people trying to get my attention and even I don’t addressed them at times they are still there lingering till the attentions are granted and they are listened, shared and being understand. And I realised it doesn’t take much time nor much emotions needed if it is straight forward. But most of the time once they feel the warmth and the friendliness, then its hard for me to get away again.

Why I am being hard for the first time meet? May be cecause I don’t know I don’t have reason to reject them again or may be I do feel the warmth of their company and that makes me out of time for myself. I hardly have time writing now what I feel here and compressed everything in my heart till it burst in a form of tears when I am being alone in my bed and when I start to read back all the smses from those concerned friend, from secret admirers, from attention seekers and from those I enjoyed the company too.

Building a relationship is already hard and what more to maintain. Sometime torn in between 3 of my best friends who needs my presence, my ideas and opinion. I need more time to be with my children especially when work pressured most of my time to be in the office. The love that I have for them still there but the time spent are so crucial. By the time I reached home the two honey bunch are curling in a deep sleep already for morning school. And the 2 elder one will wait for me to have dinner no matter how late it is. My heart crack at times, because food never amused me but in order to look after their feeling I sit down, listen to them despite the tiredness and sleepy mode.

Im not being fair, I told myself but then I still have to lead my life as it is. Pacing and racing with time. Socialising, working, attending to friends, family and attentively with what ever pops up there and then. Mood swings every minute but am able to manage it calmly.

I was smiling wide one minute reading ‘fool’ sms, and later cried in the lake of sadness but the other minute I was laughing over my stupidity and silliness. They said it all added in the spice of life. While we sulk we do need laughter and while we at the peak we do need to remember time of difficulties.

My third mission is still on the the KIV mode. Have not even start neither thought to launched it. Should I have the 3^rd stage mission or option of changing lane started? I’ve yet to decide.

6 months passed with me letting myself open with relations to almost everyone but has never thought of being serious in any. It’s not in my hand. Knowing that my ex has no longer bugging me with his emotional bondage now makes me feels so released. The next step was freeing myself from the debts, next to arrange for a new home for all of us and letting ONLY ME to rule my own life. Sounds simple but I do take future into consideration. While people say put your priorities first in hand but all those around me are still in the consideration. Without them who am I, what would I be, where would I ended. I think it’s fair if it is not much to consider and take into account. It is just a rough idea to think of the wiser part being away, alone and secluded or the simplest term being ‘INDEPENDENT’. Isn’t that what I am since I was born?