Inner Feed 2

Penna: Lynna
Released: 310506
Mood: Strange

Category: Pampering Myself With Words

The blue sky is around me, sun shining amazingly throughout the world, windy breezing air passing my skin, sounds of birds singing happily on the tree, wave coming and go to the shore giving sense of love and belonging all around me.

As i walked on the beach the sounds of nature singing happily around. As far as my eyes set on the horizon trying to reach the stop knot but to no avail, it is none to be seen. No matter how far i tried try to reach I would never will. There i sat down looking, enjoying the scenic view, enjoying the feel of the surn burning my skin, letting the breeze slapping my face.

It was very long since i did that. I always come to the beach to heal the pain i have in my chest. I dont find friend, friend find me when they know i need them. But most of the time when i am feeling blue like this i avoid myself seing them. Why because i dont want them to see the negative side of me. I will try to avoid me getting worst and words from them makes me more confused somehow.

Was it really missing my children was the real cause of the blues??? Im not sure. I like to be alone. Although having my dad around doesnt makes me feel amused. I rather stay in my room reading or daydreaming.

The picture which was sent few days ago was in my hand. I look at it all the time. Finding the real picture, the real reason, the real person, the real self, the real soul etc. I was disturb very much because i was just left unattended or i was the one who pull myself away from everyone now. Stupid emotions which bugging me.

Inner Feed 1

Penna: Lynna
Released: 31 May 05
Mood: Ups and Down & Cheerio

Category: Blabbering

Was hammering my head over what to do after office hours yesterday and Rome called to inform there is no jam at all way back to Desa Pandan. I smile and ask her to accompany me for a drink for at least lunch that due. Shes almost home and i called Niza. She says hubby already at the door while im almost reaching her place. No choice i parked my car and went in to see her. He son is already 6 months old and look fairer now. At first he cried when i craddle him in my arms and later his smile soothe the pain of missing my children. Later on his smile become wider and he become friendlier than before. The ache of having baby again crushing my heart and thoughts. Will i be able to gave birth, to smell my baby, to love, to nurture. Would there be a man whom would make passionate love to me and let his seed grows in my womb. Letting me to embrace, carry him/ her for 9 months and 10 days. Would i? I open up my heart again for someone who is dear to me once upon a time. As much as i am pouring and giving, although i dont get the same. I still do cheerish the love i have, nurture, pampering it each day, time and moment.
I was lectured by Niza last nite. The long conversation and talks over coffee was really makin gme think again and again. Support and advice from friends are really valuable. A moment later Yatee came looking good and extravagance. Swallowing my saliva looking at her appearance and face make her smile widen. Collagen and Vitamin C injection really make her looks good. Beautiful, radiant and ravishing. I adore her, envy her. Although she has a husband but she can manage to have a boyfriend who bank in not less than RM3000 a month besides shopping spree allowance, travelling allowance, new handphones each month etc. I almost drop my jaw. My silly question splurtted from my mouth "dont you have to sleep with him Tee". She laughed her heart out. "Na, i dont give them a face, i took them to a public place and if i make them kiss my foot too they'll do it for me". Heck they does!!! Hurt! that was what i feel.
Was a man suppose to be so degrable when craving a women. I guess its vice versa. No further question to it. Now i know where am i lacking. Courage, wit and feeling of wanting to do it or not is in my hand. At this stage, i value human, i value pride, i value dignity and i value my price of life, value of my independency. Although im not as rich, but i can live moderately, i can have fun with frens, i can share my thoughts with my kids and i have a lot of things. I should be thankful to HIM. For at least HE still do test me in each and everyway AND i'm appreciating that very much.
Each and everyday he send me one person with marriage proposal, indecent proposal, or even just to have dinner or movie. On which i have never given any space for anyone when i have my mind on someone.
Niza lectures was right. I am not answering to anyone. I have no husband to seek permission for. She wants me to enjoy my independency and my freedom while i am single. Be with anyone who love to have my company, no matter what she said "if he do really love you, he will still be bond to you emotionally, adore you, respect you for who you are."

My mind was not there with me but was everywhere. Thoughts wondered here and there. Between the needs and wants. Between those I crave and things I yearn for. No one really knows what I WANT in life. Besides the friends I have, the family who standing behind although I don’t really come to them for help, the kids who always open up their arms to hold me whenever they spot a slight water in my eyes.

Do I really have someone who really loves me? WHO? How? When? Where? Heart ache whenever I ask this question. Sometime I feel I shouldn’t ask but then again the question was asked to me if I don’t. Its how friend concern about me. My well being, my vulnerability, fragility, frens that really care. Everytime I think of what they said I almost choke.

THis morning Rome with her long lectures makes me hesitate over a decision. She really bang my head onto thinking some rationality of things that unseen. Would I want to be in the same shoe when Zahar left me for another woman. Would I sulk over the whole situation after he suck me dry on monetary and love wise on my children side and not to mention the effect on me aftermath.

Perhaps I was too kind to everyone and I failed to see or choose whom deserve my speciality. Does god differentiate everyone?? Perhaps yeah, that’s why some people are rich some are poor, some are good, some are bad but can we change to someone that we don’t like to be?? The answer was with me. Yesterday I read somewhere, mistake are repeated until u learn something. Bit by bit I think of the reason and rationality behind it. No it was not wrong to do good deed but to look at the implications at ownself first than anyone else that was the real reason same mistake was repeated by me.

I know I don’t have much but I still want to give a lending hand. And people would say im stupid, perhaps yeah I am but that was just me. The stupid ME…
THis morning Rome with her long lectures makes me hesitate over a decision. Giving my thoughts over and over again hurts me inside. Aching that i actually cant help much of the situation but i do wanted to give what i have.

Going home to the empty house was really boring. 2 days passed without my children voice, warm embrace, "good nite ibu, i love you", having Eiman in my cuddle, having to bite Amani's cheek, without Shira under my arms, without Nana demanding for tea, really making me crazy and so sensitive. Tears was my closest friend now. Missing my ownself, missing my jovial self, missing my bubblish character, missing my happy go lucky person, missing my own personality. Is it true i cant leave without my kids. They will one day leave me somehow for a good reason of course. I rather be out on the road driving alone, or be in the car crying with the craving needs of a company of my children.

Company? Yeah, just call them, they would love to come anytime, anywhere. But my vulnerability, and being fragile was not a good reason for me to be with anyone now. I might just fall into his arms for a one night stand or non-commital relations that might make me regret later. Not again. There are many around infact daily message came in, feeding, pissing me but as friend i just whoosh them aside.

"Come on farm give urself a break" One said...
"Ugh uhhh did i not?".
"U probably need a good rub down" firm says

Maybe i choose a wrong person. I know its difficult, i still do challenge my credibility of having to love. But to be loved?? It is in his hand and HIM the almighty.

17.35pm

Category: Pouring

Penna: Lynna
Released: 300506
Mood: Edgy
Listening to: Broery dalam Kenangan

hmmm could not agree less with those two anons. Take charge is one thing, courage is another, strong is most important. Its not easy to get all those three in one blink or a second, a minute, hour, a day or years... been there, done that!!!

One opening question to lead you to another life is "WHAT DO YOU REALLY WANT IN LIFE", since then i keep on asking and talking to myself, was i worth the time i waited, giving and hoping or am i worth to do "WHAT I WANT TO DO NOW" then sulking it later during my old years... WELCOME TO A NEW LIFE is the best start for you...

You can stay in the same shoe you are now and make a slight different by doing something you like and be happy with it, if it is not all but at least something.. START from looking yourself in the mirror and tell YOU, that you want to be "I, YOU, YOURSELF AND ME". Theres a different feel to be those four, from there you choose and pick whom is the best to suit you.

Amat mudah bagi kaum wanita untuk mendapat maqam solehah dan menjadi ahli syurga di akhirat.
Ini berdasarkan sabda Rasulullah: "Sekiranya seorang wanita dapat melakukan empat perkara iaitu sembahyang lima waktu, puasa di bulan Ramadhan, menjaga maruah dan taat kepada suami maka masuklah syurga mana-mana yang ia kehendaki."
Sekiranya seorang wanita itu tidak berkahwin, ia tidak akan dapat mencapai kesempurnaan pada maqam yang keempat. Walau sehebat mana sekalipun ia bersembahyang, berpuasa dan menjaga maruah, wanita yang tidak berkahwin tidak akan mendapat kelebihan pada mentaati suami. Sedangkan kelebihan mentaati suami mengatasi segala-galanya bagi seorang wanita, sehinggakan redha Allah pun bergantung kepada redha suami.
Selain daripada itu di antara kelebihan wanita yang berkahwin bahawa ia akan diberi pahala seperti pahala jihad fisabilillah (berjuang di jalan Allah) di kala mengandung. Apabila ia menyusukan anak maka setiap titik air susu akan diberi satu kebajikan. Berjaga malam kerana mengurus anak akan diberi pahala seperti membebaskan 70 orang hamba. Wanita yang berpeluh kerana terkena bahang api ketika memasak untuk keluarganya akan dibebaskan daripada neraka. Bagi wanita yang mencuci pakaian suaminya akan diberi 1000 pahala dan diampuni 2000 dosa. Lebih istimewa lagi ialah bagi wanita yang tinggal di rumah kerana mengurus hal-hal berkaitan anak-anak akan dapat tinggal bersama-sama Rasulullah saw di syurga kelak. Bahkan wanita yang rela dijimak oleh suami juga akan mendapat pahala dan lebih hebat lagi bagi wanita yang mati kerana bersalin akan mendapat pahala seperti pahala syahid.
Semua kelebihan-kelebihan ini tidak akan dapat diperolehi bagi wanita yang menolak perkahwinan. Malahan kedudukan mereka di dunia akan selalu berada di dalam fitnah dan di akhirat menjadi golongan yang rugi. Oleh itu wanita dianjurkan berkahwin apabila telah menemui pasangan yang sekufu. Yang dimaksudkan sekufu yang utama ialah dari segi iman, walaupun lelaki tersebut telah berkahwin.
Sabda Rasulullah saw: "Apabila datang kepada kamu lelaki yang beragama dan berakhlak maka kahwinlah dia, kalau tidak akan timbul fitnah dan kebinasaan.
Para sahabat bertanya, "Bagaimana kalau ia telah berkahwin?" Jawab baginda, "Kahwinilah juga ia (diulang sebanyak tiga kali)." Begitulah besarnya pahala bagi wanita yang berkahwin. Tidak perlu bersusah-payah untuk keluar rumah seperti kaum lelaki atau berslogan seperti kebanyakan wanita hari ini. Hanya dengan duduk di rumah sebagai seorang isteri dan ibu sudah memperolehi pahala yang banyak. Kalau suami redha dengan perlakuan seorang isteri itu maka akan terus masuk syurga tanpa melalui kesukaran. Nikmat ini tidak akan dapat diperolehi oleh wanita yang menolak perkahwinan kerana dia telah menolak untuk menjadi calon wanita solehah yang berada di bawah naungan suami.

Namun tiada siapa yang dapat menolak taqdir, dan tiada siapa yang tahu isi yang tersurat maupun tersurat ditajul muluk...
16.37pm

My Special Inner Talks...

Penna : Lynna
Released: 300506
Mood: Missing in My Own Paradise
Currently listening: Biarkan Bulan Bicara Sendiri

Him who has come to me once. Him who has caught my eyes into fascination to look deep in his eyes. Him who has caught my desire to know more of him. Him who has been there for a short encounter having teens life fun, having to hold my hand, having to tease, having ease my mind with his smile. Him who has not talked much. Him whom once has fade from my life. Him who always called my names in his thoughts. Him who I longed to see even I have my half still. Him whom always giving me a hints to think of what he is doing while I am busy with work. Him whom had affects me with his short encounter has left deep remarks with his sense of loving and affecting me till now. Him whom I brought home during my courting years. Of all male encounter that I have, have not had a chance to know where I reside. I keep all my privacy only to myself except for him. To show him that how special he was to me. He is still now and will always will.

No matter how much I wanted to forget him, to hate him, to dispose him, he is still very near to me, very dear to me. Why? I don’t know. 15 years apart from his vision, his smell, his presence but he is still in my heart, my thoughts, my soul.

He stayed there longing for me to call, to see him and one day I really do make an effort to fight my inner feel to call him and talk to him. After few times dialing and putting it down at last, I did manage to talk to him. Lost in words, lost in space and lost in mind. He still was the same person I use to be, still have the same features, still have the same smell, still have the same eyes I love to see but the only different now is he has family that bond him with his sense of love.

He is still the man that I love 15 years ago, who has touched my heart deep. As much as I want to go away from him, he is still holding me in his mind, thoughts and heart. I’ve always missed him before, I do yesterday and I am still now. I’ve love him yesterday, I do still now and I will always love and wait for him. I yearn for his love, I yearn for his touch and I yearn for him to hold me. I know it is quite impossible but I do have him always in my dreams, thoughts and he stays in my heart forever.

To you abang,

I still do love you…

12.53pm

Sealed...

Category: Feeding and Splurting/ Spitting

Penna:Lynna
Released:240506
Mood: Normal

Noted my readers this week hit 113. What a number!!!

Flashing back...

I was just smiling and laughing this morning pada hakikat nya dia merasakan terbakar hangus. Entah aku tak merasa apa-apa kerana tiada yang terkecuali dalam kehidupan kita ini. Pasti merasa dan terasa. Been there, done that, feel it and be good about it. DIA MAHA MENGETAHUI dan KEPADANYA ku berserah

Flashing back on my tantrum last nite:

Last night I cried again after showing my temper to him. I drove without looking back and did not return the peek. I was too engrossed with myself. Yes, very much. Hated that situation but then I cant look down about what I want anymore. I know because of his quietness, I am being dominant. Yes, his quietness has made him what I am and he is now.

Next time cry when I am with you, dont cry like this because I cant hold you in my arms, I was quiet and sulking upon hearing his word. I can't anymore talk, so shock to listen what Ive just heard.

Dont hold me in your mind, soul and heart. Dont do this to me. Not anymore. On the other hand, his love that bonds me to him since the last day I walked away from him, it is in his eyes, gesture and heart. No I dont want to let him go, but I want him to go away from me. So complicating, yes I know.

Tidak semua peminta sedekah itu mendapatkan sedekahnya pada hari itu

Apa maksudmu??? Bukan dari ku tempat kau meminta, mintalah PADANYA, sepertimana aku meminta dirimu dikembalikan dalam kehidupanku hari ini. DIA maha mendengar malah mengasihani.

His surprise sealed my lips again.

Hai Honey. Abg tau apa yang u rasakan. Sebenarnya abang yang tak pandai atau bodoh untuk menunjukkan kasih sayang abang pada u. Kasih yang u berikan sesungguhnya sangat sampai kedalam hati abang dan amat abang hargai. Kenapa seorang suami menidakkan kasih sayang yang u beri. Berilah abang seorang isteri yang mempunyai kasih sayang yang serupa seperti mana yang ditunjukkan oleh u kepada i. Maka beruntung lah si suami mempunyai isteri yang melayan suaminya seperti yang u tunjukkan. Semakin hari semakin sayang pada u . Lebih dari 15 tahun dulu.............Love u honey. Sorry about anything that i done wrong to u .

Love comes in everyway and direction not just from one woman to a man. Natures love thats what i called it. As much as i can smell the breath each day is where i know love reach me from HIM, and from there i should know how to distribute it amongst all around me especially kids and u n my families.

Suami, dia pernah merasakan dan mungkin masih merasai dan mungkin merinduinya, tapi sebagai manusia, yang lalu telah berlalu tak mungkin dapat dikembalikan. Walau pahit baginya adalah getir bagiku jua untuk menerima neraka dunia ini. Not easy being single, mother, woman and kekasih. Tapi hakikatnya itulah anugerah untukku. Aku terima seadanya hingga kini.

Untukmu, itu saja yang i ada dan dapat i beri, walau mungkin ada yang tersurat dan tersirat masih jua ia didalam kitab kehidupan kita.
Sesungguhnya i ini cuma dipinjamkan, dan untuk itu sesiapa yang menginginkan haruslah tidak lokek untuk meminta DARINYA setiap hari. I tau, walau i ingin lari jauh dari apa yg i hadapi hari ini, sesungguhnya i lah yg menjerat diri sendiri sehingga saat ini.
Tapi DIALAH yang menyimpan "KUN FA YA KUN" tanpanya tidak adalah goresan, dan airmata yang gugur. Kerana i juga yang membenarkan ia berlaku, seharusnya i biarkan ia berlalu tetapi sayang setiap malam ia mendatangi hatiku dan juga mimpiku.

Mungkinkah impian menjadi kenyataan?

18.06pm

Comfort Zone

Comfort Zone
Current mood: calm
Category: Friends

Penna: Lynna
Written: 17^th May 2006
Released: 23 May 2006
Mood: Calm
Currently listening: Where is the LOVE

Hatred, jealousy, envious is part of women attitude and behaviour that is undetachable of one woman. No matter how successful they lead their life she at least must have one of those. Be it used in good manner or bad ways.

It is all up to individuals.

In career wise to be envious or jealous over a promotion or to succeed on achieving over a good position is a must. But in daily lives to be jealous of envious over something you have to think it over wisely.

To use those on good deed is a go, go but to use it for a wrong way, its always a no, no. Naturally a thinker would always well measured those accordingly.

On the other hand, I get tired easily nowadays due to age factor and the treatment. Ill have to get used to it. Managing all my children doing homework after working hours sometime can be very taxing. Monitoring my work and focusing on what Im doing is very hard now while having all other things lingering in my thoughts.

It does better on some and got worst on certain things too. Praying everyday may HE leads me to a better path each and everyday. Insyaallah.

Office is going to be shifted soon. There is a lot of things to be done on my part. Checklist on the filing system and also the file in the network. Changing work may be nice but I love the field very much besides giving me lots of knowledge and the challenge in knowing lots of things before it made known to the public or consumers.

Looking forward to my company trip soon and something that I can make up from there. Now I have to work hard and extra hours to get some extra money for that project.

Everyday I am being provoked, tensed and stress. Testing my patience level is good. Playing my role right and safe has always been on top of my mind. Think of it this way, let it hurt me to the maximum, let me sulk but never ever hurt anyone. Friend cut me deep in the morning of her statement "what is past is past. All i know is that we must change towards the best n be wise in all respects". No matter how hurt i am, she/ he is but with her/ him i found a rare gem amongst those i have in my circle. No matter how much people talk about her/ him or me, we take it as a test from above. To someone far away and beautiful, thank you for being there to listen, to boost, to motivate and dont forget to hug mum for me yeah!

Let go lynna, let the wind swept it over far away from you. Let the comfort zone lingers in your mind leaving the cottony soft feeling embracing your day in day out. Let the waves whisper the sounds of music, let the birds sings out the rhythm of nature and let the melody tame me in the peace and calming place.

1810pm

Be it lah...

Penna: Lynna
Released: 220506
Mood: ............

Thought of the day: 930am

Apabila kau ingin berteman, Janganlah kerana kelebihannya, Kerana mungkin dengan satu kelemahan, Kau mungkin akan menjauhinya.... Andai kau ingin berteman, Janganlah kerana kebaikannya, Kerana mungkin dengan satu keburukan, Kau akan membencinya.... Andai kau inginkan sahabat yang satu, Janganlah kerana ilmunya, Kerana apabila dia buntu, Kau mungkin akan memfitnahnya.... Andai kau inginkan seorang teman, Janganlah kerana sifat cerianya, Kerana andai dia tidak pandai menceriakan, Kau mungkin akan menyalahkannya.... Andai kau ingin bersahabat, Terimalah dia seadanya, Kerana dia seorang sahabat, Yang hanya manusia manusia biasa.... Jangan diharapkan sempurna, Kerana kau juga tidak sempurna

Ambiläh Mäsä UnTuk Memähämi HäTi Ðän þeräsään Käwän, Keränä Ðiä Jugä,Seoräng Mänusiä; Ðiä Jugä Adä Räsä TäkuT,Adä Räsä ßimbäng, Sedih Ðän Kecewä , Ðiä Jugä Adä Kelemähän Ðän Ðiä Jugä þerlukän Käwän Sebägäi KekuäTän. KiTä SeLalu MelihäT,Ðiä KeTäwä, TeTäpi Mungkin

Cutting from my mailbox: 11.34am

I should instead thank you for the lovely company. Sorry for the disastarous dinner.. Will find a better place next time.. Perhaps just room service will do the next time we meet.

Well...i apologize if i acted and behaved indecently by any means... Darling if i am superman u r my cryptonite.. U r just irresistable in and out...your body against mine generated feelings I have not felt for a very long time... As if I landed in a strange land of long lost paradise.. But thanks for the cue to stop.. though i really wished the night never ended.. Thank you for the moment sweetheart..as long as it lasted... it will forever be thought and repeated in my mind over and over and over...

Will call you soon .

take care my luv.

bye.

On the other Inbox: Questions was asked:

Is this the transcript between you and *.V.*

220506

Every morning there is sweet, hard, bad or beautiful surprise arrive which gave lots of emotional tag on. As much as i want to be pure it has to be discovered and observed. So far thats how i made it through of how i am, be like i am, act like i am.

Flashing back on weekends activities:

Friday:-
Having good time over Laksa Johor in PJ with Akhtar and Rome, despite burning pain in my stomach and backpain. Then we head home and i hit the sack early due to my pain. Around 12.40 he wake me up feeling guilty for not calling me today. Tired and sleepy was what i told him beside being understanding of his busy schedule with work and his family beside monitoring his father in law in IJN.

Saturday:
Morning walk with CT and Rome was good when i was surprised by unexpected question due to my lower back pain. I was laughing all the way and shutting that out of mind. Silly, i was telling myself thinking over it while i left them behind talking to each other. They both don't keep any secret at all. They are friends since childhood, having to grow together and i was introduced during morning walk session and was fell in love with her too. Fun to be with, open minded, silly, witty and happy go lucky but with a very serious kind of actionable attitude that shutting me sometime to follow them out. Lunch is set to be in Seksyen 15. All in all mood was not good today, having to think of everyone schedule into my personal account too really pissed me. Tagging me into your daily moves is really not me unless i was asked before hand. Pissed i am, even when i looked at his face looking in amusement the way he chew, bite and swallow every bite of what he scurrying in his mouth.
Him that i did not seen in a week has never failed to affect me somehow. He took my hand and kissed it and never want to released it. And the effects lingers throughout the weekends. Perhaps i better dont see you again abang. It hurts me seeing you that way. I stop by at two places just to be with myself again and think when my cousin called and told me to have faith with what im holding now. "Along tak menyusahkan orang! Be rasional, dia sanggup berlaku adil pada along dan tak de kompromi dalam soal ini". I am somehow wanted to turn back leaving and let him lead his life like usual, no matter how difficult it is going to be on his side, he still has HER, and his family. I slept soundly after that and the medication works only for a while. I woke up at about 530pm feeling sad.

Movie that i watched that nite was produced by Tsfriend, FAZREEN WAHAB, where Hafiz, and her before burnt BMW was featured in the slot. It was a triangle love where lies a good lesson of how a person like me to think and being reflective of what should I do next. And what has HE got for me to making all this happen to me or to others which in that situation.

As much as ive run away from him way back, it is still haunting him till today and when he discover I am again single and having to live happily with my family and children, he is back asking to be in his hand again while having HER in his responsibilities.

Torn as always, in between what I want, his and what HE has gotten for me. He of all the people has gotten my mom, my sis, my aunt and my children affection since the very beginning. Ive always keep my frens and bfs as separate belonging from families before. But his surprise this time was really something that I cant stop it. He did it as and when he likes it. While I was out with frens he will call me telling im here and here n would be coming there and then. And the panicky me will have to tell that im not home and out with frens. To his dismay that I did not told him my whereabouts he will then ask when I am going to be home.

Was I suppose to tell where I am, or where would I be. Exclusivity for you? I dont know. Im confused, very confused, while my cousin urging to have faith that it will turn out to be fine,but im finding a lane to change it. Conflicting between the needs and the urge, desire and destiny, action and thoughts. Damn feelings. I just want what I want. I dont want to think anymore. Come what may and prove me that I am wrong!

Not giving up but I want just what I want. No more turning back. I dont do anything wrong.

13.37pm

Sunday
Porridge was served for bfast and Rome with the troops came and we dashed to Seremban to visit her mom. It was nearly more than a year i did not visit her in Bukit Chedang. Her residential always welcome me with the sweet natures kind of environment all over her place from the porch to the basement bedroom. Not even one place didnt invite my smile and sense of loving home. The only thing was missing is she stayed there alone. We were warm welcome and nasi lemak and the rest was lay out in her porch where her waterfall and 'koi' fish can be seen swimming happily running from one another.
I was invited to accompany her to Royal Adelphi in conjuction to Mom's day celebration. I thank her and ask her to enjoy her celebration but quizically asking myself why asking me and not her daughter. While i laze my eyes set on Rome and entertain her i feel that the gap both are creating are very visible and having me there is really to making it close again. I wish and hope they will keep the distant closer sooner than i think of.
I was hit with sinus since i reach there and was having actifed to cure. The children was a bit dissapointed because i couldnt fulfil that schedule like plan. Im sorry kids, i dont feel well. Reach home and land on my bed trying to get rid of the flu and the back pain really dont help. Later i heard the voice of my cousin and aunt with my uncle around the house. I woke up slowly and offer afternoon tea. But i had a good time and conversation about families then.
We will meet again during Eita's wedding this weekend and everyone has been assigned to have one task. Was i really looking forward? I dont know. Im looking forward to 2nd June. Whether it happen or not, my next wish was to meet Dot.

15.44pm

220506
Tiada diantara kita yang sempurna maupun lengkap. Yang melengkapi dan dilengkapi adalah sesama kita adanya. Dan bagaimana kita menerima pelajaran hari ini adalah bagaimana kita menelusuri hari semalam. Semalam telah pergi, hari ini datang lagi, esok yang tak pasti terus dihadapi.

Aku dan tidak kesempurnaan itu terus mencari dalam kehidupan. Dimana kurangku, silapku, lebihku dan entah apalagi. Iman dan taqwa itu saja yang aku punya dan kubawa walau kadangkala aku tersungkur jua dalam perjudian kehidupan hari ini. Hanya DIA yang tahu dan aku bersyukur masih ada tinta yang boleh lagi di coret dipermukaan ini.

15.56pm

Patience or Passion

Penna: Lynna
Released: 18 May 06
Mood: Contented
Currently Listening: Berhenti Berharap

Patience and passionate are two different things which hold different emotion and notion. Why am I so much in love with this two. Both has different criteria on each set.
Patience…
Something that I hold on to it very long since I am a kid. Upbringing and daily route are not as smooth as others having to enjoy their life as kids. I take all the hardship as a lesson to grow to walk upon the journey of life. Most of those are kept as sweet memories although it was pain when I was first facing it. Now I tend to appreciate it my way as if I don’t have that, it wont be making me as hard as steel today to face difficulties.
So every testament today was just taken as another lesson to live and reason to believe why it is such and such. Life has so many path and level that I choose to live in this way. Although was offered a good life but I have to sacrifice my pride and principle, I choose to stop and take a break for a while and think.
Was it worth to explore because at the very end of the day it may tax my life, my future and also my destiny. Along the way when I left that behind and move on, the thoughts that linger the moment which past do make think again why did I not take it at least just to make my life better than yesterday and get justified.
Was I am that bad before, now or next. What I have left was just a luxury of which can be gotten if I work hard and focused on it. Nothing comes easy and nothing is impossible if one willing to explore and maneuver more on what they want. Faith is something that everyone should have but I know not many believe in it. Well everyone has their own choice and decision are always in their hand.
Passionate…
Everyone has passion and it depends on what they love to have and do. Passionate are often relate with intimacy where intimacy needs a lots tenderness.
Why passionate is related to intimacy? A closeness, tendency, hotsie etc. It depends.
Passionate in career, hobby, life or things that affecting individuals in anything their in love with.
How would one knows what kind of passions that they have in themselves. Only they would know. Their passions will outshine in everyway without being asked to show off. It happens naturally.
An artist will spend hours in completing a portrait without noticing how much time they took to finish it. A trekker will go as deep as they can in the forest just to breath the nature smells and being able to see what earth can offer in the jungle. A geologist will take years to find gems and stones and only to discover new thing that can be introduce to others.
A passionate lover will never give up so fast in finding true love along the way of life. Despite the obstacle and bumpy road they find the beauty in searching their companion/ partner and destiny.
Passionate individuals will swallow everything slowly without having to look back and taking every hiccups as a way to finish the exploration.
Passionately twirling over each and every fingers, trailing up and down along the curve without failing to explore every inch and nerve on the nape. Not forgetting the lobe of the ears, the contour of the eyes, the texture of the skin, the smells of the hair, the softness of the thigh and to feel the goosebumps standing next to your skin.
Passion, not many of us have that continuously in their life which often forgotten after sometime and they need to spice it up with new partner, new hobby, new career, path and so forth.

Passionate need passion and passion need compassion. To achieve those one has to be patient and to build that is all within you.

Dear readers, everything felt in everyway and manner has got lesson to be learned and it gave us way to understand thing that happen.
To love nature and understand why it is there is the best way to be passionate and being patient to adhere things that happen to ourself. Up to here, I have achieved something that I can’t tell what it is within me and by just telling you what it is. But I feel great by writing this I have explore my passion to write since a fren told this is the best way to beat my urge to drive to nowhere in the middle of the night and by doing this I know that I have gone deep inside me to know what I want and what I can achieve and what I crave for.
To Aznin and Rais, Noelle and the rest, you have made me someone that loved, hates, envied, and jealous by anyone and everyone. It only made me know way to appreciate myself, to go into me, to address my need, to find the true path of what I can do next should the be any changes. Life span could be hard, gentle, so so and rigid at times but to understand it accordingly to situation and time made the smile lingers and appreciated why is it happen there and then.
Till then the beauty in a person lies in what they found in them not what they seen ugly on others. I may not be perfect but I know there’s others are better or be it worst than me. I am blessed, happy and contented with what I have achieved so far and destined to…
Good night folks.

12.23am

One Love One Life

Category: Needs, Wants & Desire

Penna: Lynna
Released: 11^th May 2006
Mood: Sad

I was confused when I think of what had make me becoming like this. Me with the colourful life is so conflicting now. My mood swing changed every now and then. After 38 years of life only did I realized I am a very pampered lady. Like a small girl who whine and craved for attention at times. I would do anything to make sure I am attended in my own way. I always had a way. But the way of showing it now is wrong, I whine, I am being aggressive, I am being bitter, I am being hard, why am I turning to the other side of me.

I have lost that before once and now after so many years when I think about who has make me feels this way and when I found him again after that many years being silent in my way. Yes, he never did change in his way. He is still the quiet, unexpressive person that I know before. Now I know why I sulk and marry a wrong guy because of his silence.

Of my manner and demeanor, being happy go lucky, being bubbly, being smiley clown all the time now I know why I become those characters. I was hiding my real self in that personality. I am the one who always wanted to be sitting there overlooking at the horizon for a spot that connects between heaven and earth, between earth n sky, between reality and fantasy.

I am creating a space for myself to be somewhere that I don’t belong to. The space creation are just to fulfill my crave, my needs, my intention to be who I want to be. Although I have come to a phase that I am a survivor to an extend I have gotten just about anything.

Money, career, kids, family, love, pride, dignity, passion, compassion, lust, desire, fantasy and reality are all in a package of my life.

It has been so colourful and beautiful with rains and rainbow in between. Although sunshine sometimes was accompanied with thunderstorm but I am blessed and thankful that I am chosen to have experienced it all.

Perhaps its not time for me yet to reside and be happy ever after. My patience over my ex has paid when he now no longer come and harassed but realize that he has missed those part in life that irreplaceable. Neither do mine, I wont be able to be back in that situation and place, even if I could insyaallah I will never want to be there again. Even he has changed. Do changed for someone else but not me.

Today Stone came back with his lovey dovey words and his idea of getting near me to take me to be his wife. Lan keep on pestering me to come to Kuantan with him to start building a new path of relationship. Those stuff has been build within me but my heart can’t except you since the beginning. Reason being was just purely lust even with Mohd. Being second wife is one thing but coming to me for one reason was a bad idea.

Your package isn’t matching mine at all. Although all of you has solid financial background but your mental and solidity is not enough to convinced me that a leader are what you are made for.

I just want to be somebody who I can be with clean fun and no emotional bondage tied. I am emotionally bonded with someone I met, years ago, whom I was in love with before and still overwhelmed with his affection. Although I tried to erased that many times, waving him away from me but I know somehow I never did had a chance to show him I was in love with him, I was affected by his quietness, by his eyes, by his feelings in his silentness.

I made him feel guilty today by accusing and blaming him for picking the wrong path of life with his silentness once ago but then after I think about it again I was being selfish and never took ‘takdir’ that makes life such way and HE has made us meet again to renew the vow. I am somehow are the greedy, selfish and selfcentred idiot that makes his life miserable.

But I still love him though, still missing him and still wanting and needing him till this very moment. Although I can’t be there for him most of the time but I thought of him every now and then and think why HE meant it such way. In between difficulties, happiness, sorrow, joy and pain but my contentment is still there holding and enveloping him in my desire to own, to love and to nurture even I know the future is unpredictable. It is always in HIS hand to decide. Have faith lynna!!!

1.05am

Rindu

Current mood: calm

Ketelusan sebagai kekasih diragui…
Bagaimana aku meyakini
Kau juga jujur dan ikhlas? 
Jawapan itu tiada padaku
Kerana ia ada padamu. 

Harus aku meyayangi diriku.
Menghalusi diriku
Memahami diriku
Mengingini diriku
Memungkinkan diriku
Untuk dikasihi dan mengasihi...

Kubermula melihat kiri dan kanan.
Menilai yang terpandang dan dikejauhan… 
Impian demi impian ku jalin

Ku umpan mimpi agar ia hadir realiti.
Indah malam dengan bintang
Bercahaya dengan rembulan
Ditebaran awan biru. 
Indah tersenyum menawan
Dengan kedinginan malam.

Terlena aku
Dibuai mimpi
Diulit sepi….

Terjalar perasaan indah pabila tangan kasar
Membelai lembut rambutku
Menelusuri pundak
Menjalar kebelakang
Jatuh kepinggang 
Berhenti mengelitik sekitarnya 

Perasaan baru timbul
Di tiap inci tubuhku.
Perlahan naik semula  
Membelai lembut
Hangat darahku mengalir Keseluruh anggota
Hangat wajahku
Menahan gejolak rindu

Tersadar aku cuma bermimpi
Mimpi yang membawaku jauh kealam ilusi
Ilusi yang tidak bertepi
Ilusi indah cuma mimpi  

Yang hadir dikala aku rindu
Dicelah bait sepi
Dicelah rindu menggebu
Mengamit segala perasaan

Kemana kulontarkan perasaan ini
Hanya kerana kuperantau sepi
Hanya kerana aku terpenjara
Dipenghujung kasih

Sayang setelah perginya dikau
Aku kini tetap sendiri 

Bersama bayangmu
Bersama impian yang terlerai
Bersama rindu yang kecundang

Do or Don't

Penna: Lynna
Released: 18 May 2006
Mood: Edgy...

Love comes with PAIN
Dreams come with NIGHTMARES
Journey come with DESTINY
Life comes with FANTASY


Luxury comes with PRICE
Pride comes with PRINCIPLE
Dignity comes with HONOUR

Im in dilemma of which will be my next destiny
Love, pride, honour and principle...

*sigh*

18.03pm

Let it be...

Penna: Lynna
Released : 18 May 06
Mood: ......

Ada orang kata apabila perempuan itu diam dan tidak lagi mencari-cari bermakna hatinya telah pudar? Benarkah atau dia hanya mendiamkan diri kerana melawan rasa hati dan emosi.

Sometime it becoming a pensive, where good to have or its ok if its not there. Mute mood will be taken shortly and from there i will see whether it is a go or no go.

220506

"Hi handsome! Will you keep your heart just for me.... "
It takes him almost an hour to answer me. Now my action is going to be wait and see game. No more approaching. Ill ask once, twice and thrice and next is shut up!!!. ;-) im teaching my self now.

We talk, we bitch, and sometimes we did not realise we once did it, talk about it, or bitch about it. I call it human and we are never perfect creature. Glad i achieve something again today.

I know i am the very fast get bored type but i hold one thing at least to still keep it going. Lets just look and see!!!

17.02pm

Blogging...

Penna: Lynna
Released: 170506
Mood: Awake and Aware

16^th May 2006 17^th May 2006
Petikan dari pm box at 13.09pm
160506

It just got into my senses that segarang garang wanita, dia akan berlembut jika merasai yg dia tidak dianiaya selama husband dia ada org lain

so dear....2 choices for u....(1) hv both of them to go for counseling and see what happens (2) discreet marriage

Thoughts in between the day

Now I know why he is saying Im actually taking advantage over you. I was quiet hearing that statement and thinking at the same time. While he is in his deep thoughts along the journey back to KL.

It is very clear to me now why he said that. It was long planned. But again it happen because I allow it along the way. Without me knowing the real status, problem and situation. Yeah, it was confirmed that to me that he is actually playing with everyone with the game. But then it has got nothing to do with me because im just taking him as a passers by just like others, a fren indeed. Leave my den and dont come peeping or lurking, isnt that would be better for you without having pain.

My confidante called me this morning and keep telling me to be strong and dont think too much of what im facing. Its just a changing lane for me of having old age kekekkekeke I am old but not senile just as yet.

On the other hand
Two days was quiet without him to make me emotionally sensitive. Perhaps its much better to go on with life without special bondage attachment. 7 months without anyone around was so peaceful but when it come back lingering in my heart and thoughts it is too much to hold.

Anyway when im contented this way he became aggressively calling, and commanding me. Errkkkk. Commitment makes me pissed, so monogamous was really out of myself. Now I have to do my next plan how and manage myself with or without. What I dont need was just dont tell me what to do, tell me just tell me would do and I would think about it.

A boyfriend was pissed with me because he thought I could be a mediator but too bad for some reason it does not come out like what he thinks. I cant make other people to think like I do and wont be able to change myself to be others. All in all he said it was over and he doesnt know what was said to her and the situation at that time. I can be at any place level and situation but to make me be them, thats impossible. Everyone in this world has their own attitude and behaviour. For many times I was beaten by their words and make me swallowed and gulp for the poisonous words. Even my best fren did that only it was realized when it comes to her senses and she thinks rationally n not emotionally like when she shout at me there and then. At the end of the day, sorry was just what she can say. Forgiven yes but forgeting it is difficult. Though it is bitter but life has to go on and with that I make my move slowly and accordingly.

Im a fren who can listen and give my piece of mind accordingly to who I am and understand with my view. I respect every views and opinion. Whatever I can take I take, what every I dont want, I just put aside. Same goes to others take what you want and put aside what you dont need. I lead a simple life although its hard but I take it naturally. For those who still not satisfied, I couldnt care less. Why? I dont come to you in the first place, secondly verification made before meeting took place thirdly it is all up to you to decide for the choice is in you hand. Play your card well. Whatever it is now, I shall take mute action till im provoked.

Friends, i am still so in love with you with the treasure that i carried knowing you is the best and precious gift i had from HIM.

14.03pm

If life is a game, these are the rules

Current mood: accomplished

YOU WILL RECEIVE A BODY

You may love it or hate it, but it will be yours for the duration of your life on earth

Acceptance

I find that when we really love and accept and approve of ourselves exactly as we are, then everything in life works

Self esteem

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent

Respect

Your body is your vehicle for life. As long as you are here, live in it. Love, honor, respect and cherish it, treat it well and it will serve you in kind

Pleasure

It aint no sin to be glad youre alive

YOU WILL BE REPRESENTED WITH LESSONS

You are enrolled in a full time informal school called life. Each day in this school you will have the opportunity to learn lessons. You may like the lessons or hate them, but you have designed them as part of your curriculum

Openness

When experience is viewed in a certain way, it presents nothing but doorways into the domain of the soul

Choice

I will do strongly before the sun and moon whatever inly rejoices me and the heart appoints

Fairness

I cried because I had no shoes until I saw a man who had no feet

Grace

You nourish your soul by fulfilling your destiny

THERE ARE NO MISTAKES ONLY LESSONS

Growth is a process of experimentation, a series of trials, errors, and occasional victories. The failed experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that work

Compassion

The individual is capable of both great compassion and great indifference. He has it within his means to nourish the former an outgrow the latter

Forgiveness

To err is human, to forgive, divine

Ethics

There are no mistakes, no coincidences. All events are blessings give to us to learn from

Humor

It is immense importance to learn to laugh at ourselves

A LESSON IS REPEATED UNTIL LEARNED

Lessons will be repeated to you in various forms until you have learned them. When you have learned them, you can then go on to the next lesson

Awareness

Only that day dawns to which we are awake

Willingness

Life doesnt require that we be the best only that we try our best

REMEMBER:

WANT leads to CHOICE, which leads to COMMITMENT

SHOULD leads to DECISION, which leads to SACRIFICE

Causality

To every action there is always oppose and equal reaction

Patience

Be patient. Youll know when its time for you to wake up and move ahead

LEARNING DOES NOT END

There is no part of life that does not contain lessons. If you are alive, there are lessons to be learned

Surrender

Surrender doesnt obstruct our power, it enhances it

Commitment

Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.

Humility

And when you reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb

Flexibility

To improve is to change; to be perfect is to change often

THERE IS NO BETTER THAN HERE

When your there has become a here, you will simply obtain a there that will better to you than your present here.

Gratitude

When you stop comparing what is right here and now with what you wish were, you can begin to enjoy what is

Unattachment

Perhaps the hardest lesson to learn is not to be attached to the results of your actions

Abundance

The richest person is the one who is contented of what he has

Peace

There is nothing to do but be

OTHERS ARE ONLY MIRRORS OF YOU

You cannot love or hate about another person unless it reflects something you love or hate about yourself

Tolerance

Everything that irritates about others can lead us to an understand of ourselves

Clarity

Once in a while you get shown the light in the strangest of places if you look at it right

Healing

Healing is a matter of time, but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity

Support

There are two ways of spreading light; to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it

WHAT YOU MAKE OF YOUR LIFE IS UP TO YOU

You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you

Responsibility

We have to accept the consequences of every deed, word and thought throughout our lifetime

Release

Learn to let go. That is the key to happiness

Courage

Courage is the price life exacts for granting peace

Power

There isnt a person anywhere who isnt capable of doing more than he thinks he can

Adventure

Life is either daring adventure or nothing at all

ALL YOUR ANSWERS LIE INSIDE OF YOU

All you need to do is look, listen, and trust

Listening

Consciousness is nothing but awareness the composit of all the things we pay attention to

Trust

Turst thyself, every heart vibrates to that iron string

Inspiration

In the midst of our daily lives, we must find the juice to nourish our creative souls

YOU WILL FORGET ALL OF THIS AT BIRTH

You cannot remember it if you want by unraveling the double helix of inner knowing

Faith

Faith is a gift of the spirit that allows the soul to remain attached to its unfolding

Wisdom

We dont receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us

Limitlessness

What we call results are beginnings

Guts

Category: Goals, Plans & Hope

Penna : Lynna
Released: 14^th May 06 (in conjuction to Mothers Day)
Mood: Mixed N Confused

Since the message came from dearest fren, I sit in the corner of my bed thinking of the situation I am having now. Torn in between my needs and want, torn in between him, torn in between the junction and dilemma I should take.

The constant pace in my life now giving me the hesitation of what I should do or decide the choice of mine. SHOULD I MAKE the decision or choice.

What happen to them and what I am advising was always a conflict in life of mine. How I gave them the peace of mind was always the situation I should rethink in my current situation. My present life and choice that I take to in being seconder to him has always making me a moody person, sensitive and selfish.

Thoughts after thoughts, reflection after reflection and the objective was not in my direction. I have to wait, wish, hope and plea to HIM. I did istikharah 10 months ago and I have the direction of what I have left before. I was glad and happy till I met Naz again few months ago.

Now in between love and sympathy towards him, her and his family and the most is for me, I am left without any answer. I know what I want, but I am torn. Not between two lovers, but torn with my inclinations, decision and choice. I took what comes, and I thought of the consequences, again im facing a dilemma. Although he knows I never pressured him, but the guilty feelings in me hurting me all the time and its affecting him where nowadays I never keep it inside me anymore. He doesnt want me to say things like that. I told him what I need to say although he dont like it. I have to, I never want to repeat my mistake again for not saying what I feel, what I want or what I need to do.

I was hurt by myself not him. Yes, he love me unconditionally, before, now and may be in future but me I have the doubts whether I should return the love like I did before. Yes, I still do love him before, now and will always do in my very own way.

Suddenly when I was in the small room I thought of this piece. A guts that a guy should have before marrying another woman while having a wife. Putting myself in his shoe of the needs and wants for him to be able to achieve and make sure it is safe in hand.

How would a man have those guts while I know man hardly have chance to voice out their feelings to his woman sometime. They find someone else to talk about it and someone who can listen and give an idea of what should be done or not.

I was there to listen, I was there to hear, I was there to give an opinion but when it comes to myself, I was shaky. In between what I should do, should I continue, should I stop or should I just let it flow. Slowly I am retreating myself from him, but the hardest it feels to say no should it comes to meeting him and avoid him. Why I still keep the feeling for him, and why I am feeling guilty? Why cant a woman love the man she likes, the man she love? No one can answer this question except him and her. It is not by how others judging them, look at them. It is how they feel for each other.

How woman with guts at time really make one world rocky, scary and shattered. Women are as strong as man, as bitch as a dog, as selfish as one can say but when it comes to yourself, only you would know.

Countless time I told him, he should let me go before time are very crucial for us and before the cuts goes deeper especially after she would find out whats happening between us, before she slashed me with her words like the two women before this.

Am always waiting for those moment to come again. Then this time I will give my piece of mind. My very own, up, close and personal why did I choose to be seconder. Was I being fair to myself, to him, to her or to other people. First and foremost is ME. Was I before, now and will I be?

NanaNaNa dont phunk with my heart says Black Eyes Peas, yes I am able to just turn around, wipe my tears and walk straight chin up n forget yesterday. I will be but after very much of thoughts. My finale! I would be your crying shoulder says, Goo Goo Dolls, yes, ill listen to you as I always do, with my word of wisdom you would be able to smile again. You have nothing to loose, none except my existence only. Am I not there all this while. Because of You, Because of you, I never stray too far from the sidewalk, because of you, I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt, Because of you, I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me, Because of you, I am afraid, because of you Ku Cobalah Untuk Setia, Kris Dayanti preying. Apalah maumu kasih, kau pilih diriku ini.

1.20am

Happy Mama's Day!!!

Category: MySpace

Penna : Lynna
Released: 14^th May 06 (in conjuction to Mothers Day)
Mood: Happy

Happy Mothers Day to all mothers. To every women in the world, Budi dan Jasamu dikenang semua sepanjang hayat.

My special thanks to dearest Leen, whom the first in the day sending me her message and wish at 9.56am whereas last year, 08^th May 05 same time I receive the same message from Exit. A wish came from a family whom deserve and appreciate both role as important to each other. CONGRATULATIONS TO BOTH OF YOU.

Indirectly giving me a message and a note where husband and wife in a family cannot disregard even a small moment of time in their life, which are shared.

To them my special thanks and wish, may god blessed and grant them all the happiness and joy in their life.

To other couples who are still happy and still so very much in love, CONGRATULATIONs. Though there is so much of testament from god but the understanding, the caring, the love will keep all of you going. Moga ALLAh sentiasa memberkahi dan memperkenankan keinginan anda semua.

To my dearest children , I love you all ... your warm embrace, your warm thougths and your warm love will always keep me going... I may not be the perfect mother but I'm always there for you...

Hakikat Insan

15^th may 2006 – 12.30pm

Penna: Lynna
Released: 15th May 2006
Mood: Cranky

Semakin hari aku menjadi semakin tamak. Kata setengah orang nak berjaya terpaksa ada sifat itu dimana sifat yang berlawanan dari aku. Pemurah dan tamak adalah satu sifat yang berlawanan. 7 sifat yang dilaknat yang boleh membawa kepada kehancuran jiwa adalah, amarah, tamak, hasad dengki, khianat, nafsu, riak, (sorry tak ingat satu lagi).

Kerana pengalaman semalam mengajar aku supaya tidak menjadi seperti lembu yang dicucuk hidung. Tanpa diminta aku sentiasa menghulur, berfikir bahawa kebaikan akan sentiasa menjurus kepada kebahagian. Tapi tidak semua mereka berfikir seperti apa yang kufikir.

Jika aku fikir kesempitan mereka harus ku lebarkan, kekusutan mereka harusku huraikan dengan harapan mereka tahu apa yang sepatutnya dilakukan oleh mereka padaku adalah sesuatu yang salah.

Mereka tidak boleh menjadi aku dan aku tidak mungkin menjadi mereka. Tidak semua mereka mampu sentiasa memberi, tidak semua mereka mampu sentiasa mendengar, tidak semua mereka berbesar hati. Hanya SATU yang bisa melakukan untukku. HANYA DIA.

Aku berperang dengan sifat sebenar. Aku masih lagi menyimpan segala sifat yang dulu. Sukar untuk aku menukarnya. Apabila aku tersedar yang aku semakin tamak, aku terpukul olehnya. Aku jadi amat sensitif. Aku menjadi amat terpenjara dengan keinginan dan harapan.

Semakin ku usir sifat itu semakin ia hampir padaku. Semakin ku jauhkan diri darinya semakin kusengsara. YA ALLAH kenapa aku diuji lagi. Apa yang ingin kau beri padaku lagi selain dari fitnah, nista dan caci maki mereka.

Jauhkan dirinya dari ku YA ALLAH. Tidak aku tak mahu hanyut dilautan nafsu, tidak mahu tergoda oleh amarah, tidak mahu terbuai dek riak, tidak mahu, tidak mahu…Sempurnakanlah pekertiku seperti kau sempurnakan rupa parasku YA ALLAH.

“You got to changed in order to be perfect, after all you are only human”… my confidante told me once… “Just be yourself” another said… “Just do what you want to do farm”… my third confidante told me… In complete words” Its only me who knows what, who, where, what, why, when I want, need in my life”…

Mereka yang berada disekelilingku tak pernah meninggalkan aku tanpa sebab kecuali satu, dua atas sebab yang tidak dapat mereka elakkan atau dengan disengajakan… Setelah membaca Ten Rules of Life aku memikirkan dengan mendalam. Hanya aku yang tahu apa yang terjadi, mengapa ianya terjadi dan yang pasti kerana keputusan dan pilihan adalah milikku maka dengan itu ianya terjadi..

Redha menerimanya adalah satu kemudahan untuk meneruskan hidup… Disamping menjadi rasional dan emosi yang dikendong aku menjadi pemikir yang fanatik sekarang.

Mengapa aku memilih menjadi yang kedua, mengapa aku tidak mahu menerima lamaran dia, bukan satu tapi dua, bujang maupun yang beristeri. Apa mauku memang diketahui tetapi melaksanakannya perlu ketabahan, ketaqwaan dan niat yang betul.

Aku cuma ingin sedikit waktu kerana tanggungjawabku keatas empat amanah tuhan itu amat besar diatas bahuku. Ya benar bukan aku tak boleh berdiri atas kaki ku tetapi sebagai insan dan sebagai manusia aku memerlukan teman yang boleh berkongsi minda dan hati, jiwa dan raga. Bukan semua atas dasar nafsu, kerana amanah tuhan itu perlukan seseorang untuk membimbing mereka. Bukan mengatakan walinya tidak mampu tetapi sebagai seorang perempuan yang muhrim bagiku adalah sesuatu yang perlu ku kukuhkan disini.

Benar, kawan banyak disekelilingku. Aku boleh bergurau, aku boleh bertanya, meminta tolong tetapi ada beberapa perkara aku tidak boleh berkongsi dengan mereka dan aku perlukan seseorang yang dekat denganku. Memang banyak andaian yang mereka boleh pertikaikan tetapi hakikatnya pilihan ku ini adalah kerana aku yang menginginkannya begitu.

Aku tahu ia nya adalah satu situasi yang amat sukar untuk keduanya kerana pilihanku itu bukanlah yang akan menyenangkan aku dari segi wang ringgit, status, stabiliti tetapi seseorang yang mengerti dan yang pentingnya menyayangi aku seadanya. Mungkinkah itu terpenuhi? Hanya allah saja yang akan memberi jawapannya.

Adakah aku meminta lebih dari seorang lelaki, suami, kawan, khalifah? Itu semua adalah sifat lelaki yang perlu mereka sendiri dalami. Mungkin kini mereka akan berkata seorang perempuan itu cukup untukku tetapi DIA dan DZATNYA lebih mengetahui mengapa yang tersurat dan tersirat mengatakan lelaki boleh mengambil empat perempuan untuk dijadikan isteri dalam satu masa. Sejauh mana lelaki maupun seorang perempuan itu menghindarinya, tiada siapa yang dapat melarikan diri dari taqdirnya.

Aku memberi diriku satu jangka masa untuk dia dan aku belajar, mengerti, merasa, mengimbangi antara satu sama lain. Ia tak mungkin tercapai jika hanya seorang saja yang mau memahami dan mengambil inisiatif yang diperlukan. Apabila waktu itu tiba di waktu itu juga akan ku tanyakan semula, kusuarakan lagi, dan soalan yang bakal menentukan layakkah kau memimpin aku adalah dimana letaknya DIA didalam DIRIMU dan dimanakah letaknya AKU disisimu…

Setiap yang berada disekelilingku adalah cermin yang bakal membalikkan siapakah aku itu. Dengan itu aku harus belajar mencari siapa AKU dan dimanakah DIA dalam diriku. Ilmu insan dan ilmu ikhlas yang perluku dalami untuk menjadi insan yang redha menerima diri ku seadanya….

19.56pm