Life

Managed to do 2 reports, one proposal, few filings but still my place is full of papers. ARgh I hate sight of those papers lying everywhere. I got no more place to keep it but well, I will have to get rid of it. The old reports has to be shred off. I just couldn’t find time to do it.

Today im suppose to meet kinchan and sahara at 7.15pm. Plus the traffic jam, I reach bangsar at 7.45pm. I call him before reaching bangsar, he was late too. Anyway it give time for him to talk to sahara.

I waited for them to come while waiting I deleted my messages which has consumed all the space. Tomorrow another fren will be joining us and it will add up more of mosin gang. I was laughing alone when my thoughts bring back the story and script post by kinchan in his blog about p.ramlee. And this afternoon he narrated another life story with more laughter and added voices and mimics. He said laughter makes you feel radiant, expression while talking is exercising face muscle.

Mamak in nirwana take my order and make an effort to talk. Frankly I cant understand what is he trying to say. The only thing I can make out is there is Thai restaurant opening nearby which serve seafood and its giving free meal today. He was talking with expression and his Indian slang and accent is very heavy. I smiled at him without saying anything and continue with what im doing before and I saw kinchan and sahara caming to my direction.

We ordered rojak, tosai and nasi goreng. All of them was eating but I make kinchan curious with the rojak taste. Phuh, im never good with spiciness. I cant stand it, he tried and sahara too and ordered “ice kosong tiga” he said. Hahahhahahaah I was laughing, I thought guys love pedas. This is extremely pedas. But he still like it, continuing eating slowly. I stopped, knowing it will make me feel worst and also leaving the burning sensation later.

Topics was all about general and things happen earlier. It makes me laugh again when he talks about the script, the movie, the squeaky voice. Hehheheheh kinchan im not good at narrating, or script writing so I leave this to u eh…

Everything is ok and smooth today. The best is, full of laughter. And my gf keep on reminding me “dah tulis surat farm” ;P ampunn belum, lepas tulis blog ni yek cik kucing…Since I remember now I better do it before I kena laser again tomorrow.

While blogging im watching ‘Unggu, Violet’. Love story between photographer and his model. Nice story, soothing, calming. While model is reaching on top, photographer is going to die of leukemia. Is it true, love is to let go? So all this while im telling this based on reality? Why other people in love but they are still together. I ask to much today. I wont drag nor brag about this now.

Eventually he died but leaving his eyes for her. She lost her sight due to the accident after an explanation of why he cant commit himself to her in the beginning of their relationship.

Life is not something we can anticipate nor expect there and then. Come what

may, take what comes there and then.

While I was on the way home from bangsar, I pass by few places which brings back my memory and thoughts of what happen before. It makes me smile and think. Why honesty creates more hypocrite and sincerity create more liars. But those things can never change me of being I am. Perhaps they have their reason why they choose to be hypocrite and liars.

Tepuk dada tanyalah nafsu bak kata orand moden, dimana orang lama kata beraja dimata bersultan dihati atau tepuk dada Tanya menu ek? Eh salah Tanya selera. Kekkekek mengarut la plak dah pagi.

Tapi kebenarannya adalah umpama siang dan malam, timur dan barat, langit dan bumi. Semuanya berpasangan. Allah maha adil diutuskan yang banyak cakap untuk pendiam, positif untuk yang negatif, aktif untuk si timid yang kaku dan kayu.

Which category am I eh? Tomorrow is another day ahead… Fasting month is coming soon. Will I expect the same things like those 3 years ago. Thought of traveling to Jakarta this time. Have to think about my kids. I cant pleased all now but well Langkawi will be a good treat for them. Insyaallah. Tomorrow budget for 2006 is going to be forecast live and then my own budgeting is next.

Taking consideration into Hari Raya, school books, uniforms, secondary fees I cant promise but insyaallah, god hear me please. I just need a lil space in between those to juggle. Please make them happy.

Perhaps it was my mistake for not being patience after ten years I want out of the marriage. After knowing im being used by everyone for a money machine. But I never felt that way during those days. I love to please, I love to entertain and I forgot I want to be pleased too, I want to be entertained too.

Yesterday night Widi told me his friend whom he introduced early this year do interested in me. But once knowing I have for girls he back up.

Man usually scared of commitment, fail to challenged themselves to fight the battle of life in terms of that. My eyes are always wide open to our prophet and respected him more than anything else in this life and after for he marrying those widows and single mom for the sake of helping in encouraging them to have faith in life.

Dimanakah letaknya iman kita umat junjungan kita? Pabila ingin berkahwin lebih ikut sunah nabi tetapi pabila tanggungjawab ditanya, kewangan tak stabil dijadikan alasan.

No matter how much you make in a day it will not be enough nor sufficient. Why? Because we are human. Being satisfied and satisfaction will never be there.

Well I have gone too far today. But that’s what I feel nowadays. When im single I pay, while I was married I paid too, then when im single again I still have to pay. It makes no difference to woman actually, because we always compromise of what HE has given us. Managing and able to put things on the table straight and accordingly for everyone. Cant those gender see that through. I leave it to all of you to think. The phenomenon now happens that most female prefer to stay single with career, money, and good lifestyle. Not being possessed by anyone nor have to ask permission to do anything they want. I guess that’s fair.

Currently Listening to:
Bintang Harapan : Yanti & Ronnie
Released date: 30^th September 05:1.47am

WANITA

Current mood: bouncy

Yang diciptakan dari tulang rusuk kiri lelaki yang paling bengkok untuk melengkapkan kehidupan seorang lelaki. Mengapa yang kiri dan paling bengkok untuk dilentur?

Bagaimana tangan seorang wanita yang lembut, manis, penuh kecintaan, kasih dan sayang membuatkan seorang lelaki khayal dan asyik mahsyuk. Ia dijadikan untuk lelaki dan sebaliknya.

Zaman sekarang tiada yang membezakan seorang wanita dari lelaki atas sebab apapun kecuali melahirkan.

Mengapa allah menjadi wanita itu terlalu istimewa, mudah masuk syurga dan penyuluh neraka. Wanita itu cantik di anugerahkan akal dan nafsu bagi melengkapkan segala yang diperlukan oleh lelaki.

Dari seorang ibu lahirlah seorang anak yang di belai, dimanja, dikasihi dan dididik. Ibulah yang menjaga siang dan malam. Dari susu ibulah anak membesar dari tangan ibulah anak makan. Jika menanggis ibu dodoikan, jika sakit ibu ubatkan, jika lapar ibu suapkan, tika gembira ibu temankan.

Dari seorang srikandi, pelopor, pemimpin, penghibur apa jua yang lelaki inginkan hanya perlu memilih yang mana satukah yang mahu dijadikan teman.

“Perempuan yang baik hanya untuk lelaki yang baik juga”. Adilnya tuhan terhadap wanita yang di takdirkan menjadi peneman Adam seketika dahulu.

Allah memuliakan wanita sebaik-baik makhluk dengan segala kebaikan dan keistimewaan.

Terletaklah pada wanita itu sendiri bagaimana ia menghargai dirinya. Punya harta, rupa, perkerti, wibawa, naluri dan apa jua bentuk inspirasi pada lelaki.

Wanitalah sumber segala keinginan seorang lelaki. Betapa benar dan sejauhmanakah ia menepati kehidupan manusia terletak pada lelaki itu sendiri siapa yang menjadi pilihannya.

Kadangkala wanita yang dicintai itu lain dari wanita yang dinikahi. Mengapa? Apa kah itu satu taqdir atau pilihan yang ditentukan oleh lelaki itu sendiri. Walhal dua-duanya berada didepan mata.

Satu cantik, penuh naluri, penuh pekerti, penuh inspirasi, yang mana satunya penuh wibawa, penuh tonasi, lantang bicara dan tabah. Tapi yang menjadi pilihan adalah yang keibuan dan tak punya harta maupun ringgit. Yang mana punya harta, kerjaya dan lantang itu tetap tinggal seperti itu..

Apakah yang tiada … Dimana lelaki membezakan antara wanita-wanita itu..

Setia meladeni, jujur, akur, ayu, adakah itu ukuran pilihan?

Wanita ibarat berbagai warna dan rupa. Yang memberi warna kehidupan pada dunia. 9 akal lelaki itulah yang menentukan hak dan juga ketentuan wanita itu disisinya.

Dari lirik matamu
Lahir indah senyummu
Dari persona cintamu
Tercetus perasaan sayangku
Dari tindak tandukmu
Akur aku pada perintahmu
Dari anggukan itu
Jatuh aku kepanggkuanmu
Gadis, Perempuan, Wanita
Menjadikan dia nanar
Menjadikan dia kesasar
Menjadikan dia lupa pada dirinya
Menjadikan dia alpa sementara
Betapa cantiknya perempuan
Betapa ayunya gadis
Betapa wibawanya wanita

WHO AM I?

I was having very good conversation today with few people. From a lovely ladies to the handsome guys. I could say an achievement of a day to know me. Listening, sharing and understanding people always amused me. There are many characteristic and colours of people. From there I feel great deal of views im seing today.

Why do I listen to people? Why do I see people? What do I gather from what I hear? What do I get from the picture I saw in the people? Where does the story goes next? Where would the people go after and image is portrayed? When do they need to take the action after the stories are told and they are being listened? When the people are portrayed and pictured as someone when are they going to be structured as who are they? Who are those people listen to the story poured by them? Who are the people who are responsible to the image portrayed? This 5w’s is a good way to know me.

These entire question is very confusing when we look at it at once glance. But it is the best way of knowing you. Know the characteristic in you. Know the strengths in you. Know the weaknesses in you.

How do you carry yourself as a person? How do you know yourself in terms of which character do you have? Are we an interesting person to be with? Are we strong enough? Are we good enough to attract people to be in our circle? Are we ok if we are left out alone?

Knowing yourself is not hard. Simple question by asking yourself what do you want, who are you, where are you heading, when do you need to act, why do we you need to do what you are doing now is a simple thing to address yourselves of all question.

I may not be good in translating this but since I’ve practicing asking myself and challenge me to be who I am. I’m getting myself out. I know I have been using my emotions to think before and I am not going to repeat the same thing again.

We are granted a brain to use over every single things happening to our daily life. I am so determined of what I want now. Will not consider turning back to the path that I have left. Challenging Lina to be in reality and forming farm as example in the beginning has been a very good move.

I’m glad I have three important person who is able to bring me out. In my search since 2001 till now. Well I can say it is not long but to some people it is very long to get something out of the shell which is enveloping me for 30 over years. Damn that was long according to them. What takes me too long to realize the beauty of being individual, the beauty of being ME, the beauty of being Lina or Lynn.

That three person is Aznin Ghazali who has been challenging me daily without fail with one simple question asked. “Is it wrong to be single”. His next question “What is wrong with you? What are you lacking? Is that single thing are going to make you less than a person? So what if you are single, you managed your kids well, you are not tagged with emotional issues, you are not being possessed like you used to, you are not being used financially by him, and so and so”…

Only then I opened up one by one question to get the answer to get over with and get it done here and there. First thing I do managed my financial over the divorce case. 2^ndly foresee my path of next 5 years. During that time my twins was just in kindergarden. Was having idea to send them to the same school as her sister in Lai Meng but unfortunately my financial was not stabil at that time. I opted to send them to normal school and encourage time to time to be as good as their sister. If I know I will, im sure they can do.

Then I become focused with my work. Trying to keep what ever emotions far away from work. I become stubborn, sharp, fast, multitask and what ever boss need me to do.

My time of being weak was over and I’m getting over with my sadness and inferiority. I’m challenging time to get the real me out. I’m beating my curiosity by asking a lot of question and taking the power of “if”. What “if” I do this and it doesn’t work, what “if” I do that and it work but not 100%. I’m becoming stronger and more of courage since I did that. I take the control of me, myself and I. I say yes when I want to and I say no when I need to.

Next person who always listen and give advice accordingly was Zulkifli Zain. Countless time I was being emotional driving middle of nowhere, being stupid just to let out my tears, anger and sorrow. Before going home to my kids where I don’t want them to see the weak part of me. It throw out to him, I tell the scenario. “Logically it should not be the way you are doing farm”. Trying to soothe me and calm me. “Go home, you belongs to your lovely kids, not the evil roadside of nowhere”. I think, I get my head crashed, cracking the root of the problems. Damn… He was right. “Go home Lina, this is not the way you doing it. Get over it. Go home take your shower, be with him, your creator, your source of mercy. Ask from him for guidance” says inner me…

At times he caught me crying, he will wipe the tears with all the jokes and fun tales… I should be thankful, in a way without me looking, someone found me out of nowhere and listen deeply to the soul. Letting go the emotional issue was not easy nor difficult. It is all in the brain. Emotion is an art, logic is science, form of doing it is ‘think’. And so we were given the art and science as a guide to win the our emotions and being logic in everything we does. “See you learn new things everyday now. Aren’t you proud now of yourself now lina?” inner me asking… I cant shove that aside while actually and the fact is yes I am looking at it perfectly one after another…

Third person finally who is really challenging my nerve to get out of being me was Halimi Abdullah. He sat down with me one day sometime in April in Starbuck KLCC about an issue of accepting third person sharing my love one in my life.

The next message from him was “good for you farm, I hope everything goes well”. And so it goes one. I only come to him if I want to challenge my courage. To him it wasn’t difficult. He just need to explain while I sat there listen carefully or be it only in sms. We don’t meet often, once in the blue moon over few session of karaoke or coffee with group of people.

At those time he doesn’t know I had him (ex bf) still. I goes out or sms him just to get some ideas and will power. He will put it in simple way and words to make me understand situation.

During those moment where I was in a junction to make my decision whether to continue or to get out of love life, he was there to just giving simple thoughts and reminder again of how worth a person is to be in my life if it is only creating problem after another.

When I achieve the answer and solution, I took the chance to travel out of country just to be with myself. Just to challenge my needs and wants and the courage of letting go. I was not feeling guilty to be with someone else. I was not feeling guilty of seeing another person. I was not feeling guilty to lie to Zahar why did I have to go out of town during the day I suppose to meet him with Roslinah. Zahar you anticipate me wrongly dear. You will never know what am I going to do next to you or to my life. You are full of love of someone who spitted to your face and your parents once ago.

But its a good sign of me to get rid of him and there I was throwing myself to someone I tried to understand long ago. Of why he came to me, why did he take the offer of going out with me and why did I say yes to travel just with him.

The experience itself thought me a lots of reality about him and me. Next week after my get away. I mailed Halimi to help me again getting my belongings at Bukit Chedang. He was very much helpful and challenge me to do it in within 15 minutes.

The minute I open the house I saw her face and my heart is confirming what Halimi is saying was right. He is not worth to be with. The only thing I didn’t take was the memory which will killed him softly.

For all the help Aznin, Zulkifli and Halimi is doing, I thanked all of them deeply from my heart for bringing the real me out to reality.

I manage to do a lot of things nowadays. The only thing I have not overcome is fear of water. I was about very close to it when my Project Aware trip has to be called off due to the emergency I have at home. I was called immediately to come back by my brother thinking that I was still in KL.

I did satisfy them and I am being faraway from home now. But im very close to my angels more than anything else. One day I will be there to beat the fear of being in the water and know the other world of nature. I will be, that is my promise.

To all of you girlfriend who hear me in and out. You are there but most of time listen instead of challenged me. I want a challenge to be part in the mysterious life. The journey has begun and I anticipate mercy one after another… My next visit was to be near to HIS house and finding the NUR in me….

Permudahkan hidupku dan murahkan rezekiku ya allah, aku ingin menemuimu secepat mungkin…syukur atas kasihmu, syukur atas rezekimu, syukur atas nikmatmu…Amin ya rabbal alamin…

1246am

28^th September 05

Listening to: Listen to your Heart (Roxette)

Mood: Happy to get Connected To ME

Children Love

Current mood: Sad

MOm i waited for you to emerged to my kids party. I invited you myself and make you feel important at that day but you did not surface. Even when i tried to get you again that evening.

I make you feel wanted, just like i make my children feel so proud of me....

My kids hold n hug me after the party, it makes me missed you more than i can tell. I close the door and shut myself off and called for your name. God help me through again please.........

25th September 05

I started the day early to make sure all the things need to be done are in order and smooth taken care of.

Everything is going just fine and im glad by the time everything is done, the children came. Michelle sponsored the cakes for them. They were about 20 childrens from the neighborhoods and her schoolmates.

Foods and cakes are ready on the table. Ready to be blown and celebrated by them. Even in difficulties I managed to throw the party for them just to make sure they don’t feel left out even without the father around. Capabilities and missing something is not a reason for the party should not go on every year. I know I cant throw a big one but just to make them happy and have friends around is good enough. That’s the best present I could give.

To be together, to participate and to blend the love together in the cooking and shared amongst their friends. Loved shown in many ways as I always said. And that’s how I show my affection to them.

I love you angel’s. I cant imagine life without you. I cant give you a father but I gave you all I have.

I know one day im going to be left alone due to what they want to do but at least I have done the best for all of them. My heart blooms with all the love for them. Thank you god for given me the chance to share with them.

There was no wish from the father nor from daddy. Whatever it is, I know they have their own reason and they know well.

There were few frens who came too. There was Tee, Sam, Rom, Michelle, Rozi, Sarah and Wei Wei. Children was happy to have them around.

My sister family is the last to leave my house only to us then. It was about 10pm. I take my time to write the experience today and yesterday.

There was many thing in my head but managed to put it aside. Dear god thanks for the food, mercy and all of what I have today. Amin.

1025pm
Mood = Unsure ;-)

24th September 05

Its my first daughter birthday today and it is also Malaysian Idol results show in Genting Arena. Rome has two tickets VIP to attend and has ask me to accompany her. She is so excited and wanted to go and dressed up to kill her boredom and forget her problem. I was fine I said and so long im driving it will be no problem, I told her.

Early morning I went to market to buy necessary things for the party for my three my angels birthday on Sunday. Laksa Johor, meehoon goreng, nasi himpit with rendang ayam, sandwich and doughnuts. Sounds good to me and Rome agreed to cook for me the laksa soup.

Back from market I highlighted Rome’s hair like promised a week ago. Then I went home to rest. Was actually very tired for the weekday working hours and stress. Managed to take a nap for a while then get up and ready to fetch her for the ride to Genting. It was my first time driving up there. All this while I was driven there by my ex hb or bf and Tee.

I don’t really fancy up there. Not to sure why. Perhaps the height, the dangerous drive. 6 o’clock we left and the drive was not so bad actually just before we reach up the dark weather and the clouds is everywhere. I was hoping not to have the same scenario when I get down. I was warn by a Aznin the driving down might be dangerous due the cloudy weather.

Seated at the VIP area and surrounded by the youngsters was really exciting and fun. This is not the first time im in a big crowd and concerts. There was Scorpion, Sheila Majid few others which I cant recalled but this is the best experience. Malaysian are very supportive. There were many people coming from different range of age and race. While Nita sang very well I can say Daniel has good a sweet voice too and so is the look. Both are comparatively excellent. But then we know Malaysian are going to be the judge of who they wanted to be the Malaysian Idol.

Immediately after the Jien and Cheryl announcing the winner we left. Not wanting for the crowds to be rushing together with us. The drive down was not as what we thought. The weather is clear, the temperature is good and we talk and laugh.

Thought of heading somewhere else but no Rome suggesting lets call Aznin. So we get to be in TTDI again for another loads of laughter. There was Rachel and him only and we spend about 2 hours there and left knowing im going to have a race tomorrow for my angels party.

Moral of the story that day was everyone have their own share in life. It’s a good drive since I have never tried to take the challenge of driving high up and on a steep road. It gave me a courage and confidence that yes I can drive to that dangerous place too.

Im going to be there again perhaps alone or someone whom I find suitable to be with.

Just Another Day

Gagal memahami diriku sendiri,
tapi tidak pernah putus harapan
untuk terus berjuang dan berjuang....
Keluar dari kemelut ketidakpuasan hati...
Keluar dari rasa ketidakmampuan diri...
Keluar dari rasa kepuasan diri...

Im learning and will always learn...
The tempo may not be nice all the time...
Tho the dance fail to follow the rythm...
At least i tried to be one of a kind...

Semalam telah berlalu...
Hari ni di hadapi...
Esok mendatang tak perlu kuragui....
Kerana aku pasti esok...
Akan ada mentari...

There is sun to lighten up....
There is moon to light the nights...
There is air to breath...
There is a zone of comfort...

Believe in me...
Believe in you...
I will be there for you...

SHARING

MOOD : CHEERFUL

Today on Traxx.Fm topic was about relationship. Today is Ladies nite day. Topic was about “Keeping harmony or the truth about having scandal outside the marriage or relationship”

A mixture of everything was said. Mostly harmony but the truth! Hmmm many wants to keeps it off handedly rather than facing the black truth. Some was actually cant face the fear of telling the truth. Feeling insecure of the consequences but still wanna be in it.

So what if we fall in love again while having current. Feelings and emotions is something that we cant control. Truth hurts but will be addressed accordingly. Why he/ she fall for she/he? I was giggling to some of the reason given. “Suddenly we feel like falling again but doesn’t feel like letting go my love one. I wanna keep them separate, if they can accept each other even better” says one of the guy. “hey im ok so long I don’t know. He can keep it as long as I never meet them anywhere” says the girl…

Tell me how long would you lie to your ownself of the feeling “im ok so long I don’t know”. And what happen while you are sitting with your friend and you saw she/he with her/ him.

Best is to ask this question to ourselves. What would I feel if I see he/ she with him/ her in front of my eyes. Holding hands, gazing into her/ his eyes with deep look just like we did. Would you cheat your own feelings in terms of telling your heart “im ok its nothing, its just holding hands and gazing nothing more”.

Well ive gone thru this situation. Ive ask god in my istikharah to make me strong as a steel to accept not only his wife but 2^nd woman beside me hahhahahhaha. Stupidity is there when I was told that one is fine, 2 is many and 3 is crowded I still smile insyaallah yes I can take it. Next god send me the woman to be infront of me to confront her of being together united in one unison with one man.

I accept her my way and hoping he would be able to manage us fairly while also reminding him about his kids and wife in Jakarta. I manage my feelings crucially even I don’t like it but to be able to make it happen at least I tried. So long I don’t let her interfere what I have here with him, there and then ill be ok. But if a man know how to manage their own feelings, principle and where they stands, yes it would be ok. Ive seen some, ask some and they can make it happen if they really want it. But most said one is already headache what more to expect from 2 and 3.

Treat them separately as it is, but don’t compare. Man cant listen to the women if they start comparing amongst them. NEVER listen to them when the thought of what they can do or cant to one another.

To be able to achieve sharing in this matter is “acceptance the act of embracing what life could presents to you with a good attitude”. Would any of you take it without questioning why is this happening to you. Would you ask why he is changing his/ her direction to other girl/ guy?

Silliness is the action done by ourselves. We face no problems if we don’t create one. Do we need to throw a stone to get attention? Do we need to be catch if we want to be free? Do we choke if we bite only what we can chew?

Life is full of question. One big question is to ask yourself “who are you?”. Have you found ‘YOU’. Who is someone in you, is she/ he pretty/ handsome, kind, smart, clever etc… keep on asking the question till you get the answer. The more you ask the more self satisfaction you get.

Would you look for someone if you are content with yourself and knowing you never lack of friends, families etc. Its all about how do we carry ourselves. Did I miss something I left before this? No I have experience it, ive feel it, ive learnt the way it should be. Life has grant me a big gift for me to accept.

‘Just manage it’ god says. ‘Ill guide you and ask what you want from me’. ‘Quran and hadis sent for you to referred and understand. Find the meaning and 5 times a day for you to be nearer to me and ask me for more’.

How many of us did that? How near am I to him? How do I take his testament? How many time did I thank him for his mercy for the food, smile, sunshine, laughter, sadness, hatred and etc…

Today I achieve two excitement. A friend has gotten a job after a long wait. Patience is the answer. She was so happy about it. Very, every happy indeed. I was jumping and called my confidante to let him know. Not picking up phone? Huh!!!! (garu kepala) oh yeah perhaps in government office cant pick up phone. Second was, I got a chat fren to answer me frankly online when we chat of the path I should choose in the junction.
Thank you ‘punk’. ;-) you do lighten up my day. While a fren in Miri says I should lighten up and accept his indecent proposal.

I say yes and no whenever I feel I should. I take charge now. Hopefully I wont miss the path or track that already shown to me during my “peace moment with HIM” one of the nights finding solace in him.

p/s: Kinchan itu T3 supply lu telai satu-satu tenguk mana sesuai aaa. Nanti lu cakap sama wa, wa simpan itu stok sama lu, next time lu kasi ingat wa mawa itu tea-o-limau bag kasi lu. Wa sulah lupa la tadi.

Quote of the day:

To be able to be truthful

is to fight your fear facing the truth.

Currently listening to

‘My All – Mariah Carey’

1.20am - 22^nd Sept 05

Traxx.Fm

Something to share with you guys today...

While doing my work and listening to the radio there was this 2 deejay on TRAX.FM with a topic "dating single or divorcee which one you prefer".
I wasnt really paying attention to that actually when cik sekinchan pm "weh bohsannn gile bila dilanda angau" kekeekkeekkee i was laughing and laughing...Finally cik sekinchan say it out, yes he has feelings, emotion and well afterall he is human...

So i was listening still while typing the report, chatting and wah all together at once.... hehhehehe . There were only mamat's who called where all of them dont mind at all which ever is fine with them hahhahahah. Why? So long woman kan… kekkekekee
Why? Its easier to know older woman than young girls... Was that right? Im not sure. It all depends on individual. Then to make my cik sekinchan cheer off I tried dialing …

Woaaaaa…. One ring double D pick up and there I go “im farmgirl fm brickfield, single mother and not dating at the moment nor having someone” when they ask me a question. “Do you goes out with guys?” Yeah I do but its either they are married or young single guy. And I was laughing throughout. Oh well how do I feel going out with young guys?? It was cool and they are nice. And he was claiming the way I said it out hahahahah I was laughing and giggling still couldn’t believe I said that

Cik sekinchan: weiii u won the cd and the movie pass to the cinema and a date with double D
farmgirl2k2 (6:04:22 PM): dangggg
farmgirl2k2 (6:04:24 PM): hahahahah
cik sekinchan (6:04:26 PM): that is what we call luck
farmgirl2k2 (6:04:27 PM): the guyz
cik sekinchan (6:04:30 PM): dem girl ..
farmgirl2k2 (6:04:31 PM): yeah
cik sekinchan (6:04:31 PM): hahaha
cik sekinchan (6:04:33 PM): hahaha
cik sekinchan (6:04:34 PM): well ..
farmgirl2k2 (6:04:43 PM): oh no a date
farmgirl2k2 (6:04:44 PM): yeah
cik sekinchan (6:04:56 PM): hehehe
cik sekinchan (6:04:57 PM): cool man
cik sekinchan (6:05:04 PM): they pronounce ur name as somegirl ..
cik sekinchan (6:05:06 PM): hahaha
cik sekinchan (6:05:12 PM): but anyway ... what matters most .. u won
farmgirl2k2 (6:05:15 PM): farmgirl no???
farmgirl2k2 (6:05:29 PM): not farmgirl
cik sekinchan (6:05:33 PM): nope
farmgirl2k2 (6:05:35 PM): i was too excited i guess
cik sekinchan (6:05:37 PM): they pronounce as somegirl ..
cik sekinchan (6:05:39 PM): hahaha
cik sekinchan (6:05:42 PM): heart pounding kan
cik sekinchan (6:05:46 PM): berpeluh
farmgirl2k2 (6:05:47 PM): yeah rite
cik sekinchan (6:05:51 PM): cannot think
farmgirl2k2 (6:05:54 PM): sweating like shit
cik sekinchan (6:05:57 PM): cakap main sembur ajer aper yang lalu
farmgirl2k2 (6:05:58 PM): yesssss
farmgirl2k2 (6:05:59 PM): yes
cik sekinchan (6:06:00 PM): dalam kepala
farmgirl2k2 (6:06:01 PM): exactly
cik sekinchan (6:06:01 PM): hehehe
cik sekinchan (6:06:04 PM): well normal ..
farmgirl2k2 (6:06:07 PM): hahahahha
farmgirl2k2 (6:06:11 PM): good feeling laaa
cik sekinchan (6:06:13 PM):
farmgirl2k2 (6:06:18 PM): weh i was hoping u getting it
cik sekinchan (6:06:21 PM): that is adrenalin rush
cik sekinchan (6:06:35 PM): the more u produce that .. the more radiant u will look

I was laughing still thinking was I really on air… hahahah The adrenalin is rushing and I was sweating thinking about it.

At least I make his day by smiling after all.

cik sekinchan (6:07:22 PM): hahahah
cik sekinchan (6:07:24 PM): no worries..
cik sekinchan (6:07:31 PM): it makes my day laa..
farmgirl2k2 (6:07:35 PM): ur day
farmgirl2k2 (6:07:37 PM): heheheheheehe
farmgirl2k2 (6:07:39 PM): coool
cik sekinchan (6:07:39 PM): haha from angau to laughing and smiling all the way
farmgirl2k2 (6:07:43 PM): im glad
farmgirl2k2 (6:07:53 PM): how does that make u smile hhaha
cik sekinchan (6:07:54 PM): weeeeeeeeehhhhhh my frrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiieeeeeeeeennnnnnndddddddddd on the radioo wehhhhhh and gues what ... she wonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn ... hahahhaha
cik sekinchan (6:08:00 PM): she won the CD
cik sekinchan (6:08:12 PM): and a date wit double D
cik sekinchan (6:08:13 PM): hahaha
farmgirl2k2 (6:08:15 PM): wow wat a feeling
cik sekinchan (6:08:17 PM): movie with all the kids ..
farmgirl2k2 (6:08:21 PM): who is this double D
cik sekinchan (6:08:23 PM): what a birthday present to the kids wehhhhhh

He remembered its my kids bday this weekend too. Hmmmm well a friend I should call and would a dear one remember all this. Ill bet they will hahaha. Anyway im glad this is my second prize winning after Shopping Hunt with my Kids to South City Plaza. A 2 days 1 night stay in Trengganu which have not been fulfill yet by me to the kids. Anyway im gonna tell them Uncle D is going to take us to a MR CINDERELLA MOVIE soon. ;-)

Junction

Current mood: crazy

Dear Guys/ Gals ....

Was being bz lately and not able to put up anything from my mind to here. anyway i have few topics to share when im able to sit down and pour...
Meantime thank you for visiting and hang on there...

Something for you to think this evening....
1. Would things get worst if you dont get involve or would it be disaster if you participate?

2. Would you tell your friend frankly that the things she/ he doing is wrong or would you just follow the flow?

3. Would you leave him/ her knowing he/ her is belong to someone else?

Have a good day frens...

Wang, Rupa atau Pekerti

Dimanakah ketinggian darjat dirimu?

Kita dianugerahkan tuhan dengan sifat yang cukup. Mengapa manusia itu dijadikan berbagai bentuk rupa? Di bagi akal dan hati?

Dimanakah letaknya diri kita disisi sesama insan? Manusia dijadikan kaya dengan akal untuk dipergunakan untuk menilai antara baik dan buruk. Disuluh agar jalan yang dilalui dapat dilalui dengan penuh kesyukuran.

Tapi ramai diantara kita yang berfikir melalui hati dan perasaan hingga melupakan rasional. Dan apabila emosi mengambil alih bahagian-bahagian penting akal segala tindak tanduk yang diambil tidak disempurnakan dengan sebaiknya..

Apakah ini yang dikatakah darjah tingkatan pemikiran insan? Hari-hari kita melalui proses kehidupan yang sama dan di beri dugaan dan masalah untuk difikirkan.

Ada diantara kita akan menilai detik-detik yang dilalui dengan berbagai persoalan agar dapat dianalisis dengan sebaik mungkin.

Ada diantara kita yang bertanya mengapa masalah dan dugaan ini didatangkan berbagai rupa agar ianya tidak dipandang sama atau remeh pada tiap masa. Bagaimana pula kita menangganinya.

Akal yang satu dipergunakan sepenuhnya untuk mendapatkan satu jawapan yang diperlukan oleh diri kita untuk merungkai persoalan.

Adakah wang satu jalan untuk menyelesaikan masalah. Ada yang diantara kita dapat menyelesaikan sesuatu masalah dengan bantuan wang. Tetapi sejauh manakah wang dapat membantu sesuatu atau seseorang? Dimanakah peranan wang itu sendiri?

Bolehkah harga diri diperniagakan oleh wang? Bolehkah wang menentukan nilainya seseorang itu? Arus keduniaan sekarang memertabatkan wang di tempat yang paling tinggi.

Rupa…

Bolehkah rupa dipergunakan untuk menilai seseorang? Dimana letaknya harga rupa seseorang itu. Cantiknya wajah, rupa bentuk badan seseorang? Cara pemakaian, cara jalan, cara bercakap, duduk atau cara mengambil hati orang lain?

Rupa tidak datang dalam bentuk yang sama. Dibezakan dalam banyak bentuk dan cara yang berbeza. Bagaimana menentukan rupa melambangkan perwatakan dan pembawaan diri seseorang? Kecantikan, manis, rupawan atau keayuan?

Rupa yang akan mengundang ramai peminat. Memuja, memikat, mengejar… tapi adakah itu pengukur seorang individu? Bagaimana yang tak punya rupa tetapi mempunyai pekerti yang cantik.

Layakkah mereka dipuja, dikasihi maupun disayangi? Hubungan pekerti dan rupa amat rapat. Sesuatu itu berkait antara satu dengan lain dengan cara yang tersendiri.

Tetapi maukah anda melihat kepada pekerti tanpa melihat rupa? Rupa biasanya menjadi ukuran yang paling tinggi bagi seseorang. Jarang kita dapat menilai pekerti dari rupa seseorang selain dari mengenalinya dengan mendalam. Pekertilah yang menjadi asas kecantikan insan.

Pekertilah yang selalu dilupakan sekarang ini. Kerana rupa menyebabkan manusia alpa kepentingan asas diri. Kerana rupa manusia sanggup berhabis untuk menjadi cantik. Kerana rupa juga manusia melupakan pekerti yang menjadi asas norma-norma kehidupan manusia.

Wang, rupa dan pekerti jika digabungkan menjadi pelengkap bagi kecantikan diri, akal dan fikiran. Tapi sejauhmanakah diantara kita yang mahu melihat dirinya untuk melengkapkan diri dalam satu pakej.

Dunia moden sekarang melihat wang sebagai status penempatan diri seseorang. Tapi kitalah yang menilai diri kita sendiri, meletakkan status diri, mencantikkan rupa dengan kehalusan nilai pekerti yang tinggi.

Dari pekerti yang tinggilah norma dan nilai kehidupan ditemui, rupa dan wang hanyalah pelengkap diri. Kitalah yang menentukan siapa diri kita. Bukan mereka yang memandang kita. Banggalah dengan diri yang seadanya untuk nilai murni kehidupan.

REALITY

Current mood: anxious

In reality I don’t have much time for myself. Yet I have to find a moment to be with my angels. I don’t have pets but I have my potted plans which have been ignored quite sometime. And friends who would always ask and care for me everyday. I am thankful, I am glad, I am never alone now.

But I am contented with myself since Ive found ME. The real me who have needs and wants and life. I lead life before to what I am told, to what they want.

Perhaps if I listen I will be happier I said once. I love to watch and observe people. Like to be in the crowds but never have a confidence to be within them.

In the wee hours of nites I listen to the nice sound of quran being recited and it seeps thru my hearts and soothe my mind and soul. And with that I place myself infront of him asking for mercy to give me back my life and soul. Give me the peace, give me the happiness and wisdom that I longed for. Tears droping and im weeping everytime I saw myself somewhere lost not knowing where I should go. But of course I know HE hear me.

I know ive not been fair to myself. Giving as much as I can to whoever around me. So long they are happy I am happy to share it with them.

Looking back what I have shared with my dearest husband. A day always started with a smile, hugs and kisses. Every little things is important for me. I love to entertain. I don’t have many friends when I have him. I don’t need to, since I have him and close friends stay intact within a phone call away. During gatherings or birthday parties family members are called. Over 30 nephews and nieces will be coming to celebrate birthdays.

I will cook and make sure they have enough before they go home and usually till very late. I then usually cant walk by the time they are gone. He will help to clean what ever he can. He is always helpful. Very sweet of him, from the sofa I can only throw him a smile and told him by tomorrow everything will be back to normal.

He knows that, he just want to help which I let him, even I have to do it again but a chance is always there for him to show his gratitude for entertaining his families well. He is from large family unlike me theres only 3 of us. While he has 7 and being the last and no he is not spoilt after marrying me.

Very considerate, tolerable and I must say nice good looking. I don’t marry him because of love. I develop love after I marry him. I develop trust, I develop everything and devote myself to him solely.

We were happy, amongst the rest of the family. They were always talking about us being so friendly, so loving so harmony. No one knows the secret, the dark side of us and also no one knows why we separated.

He was younger but my respect to him is on top of everything. I never raised my voice. If ive ever feel angry I just walk out and bring myself to another place either weeping or just being alone until im done and fine I would ask for forgiveness. Whether im wrong or not I never sleep without talking to him never, not even a day.

His mother loves me very much. She would cook anything when she knows im coming and at the end of the day she will lay her head near me and tell me to massage her. I would talk to her while massaging her foot normally. Whenever we go for holiday she will come along and so do my mother. My heart always blooms with happiness to see their smile.

But we never know what have caused him to change suddenly. Failing with him I tried to love again when a married guy came knocking to save me from falling to wrong people.

It was mom who introduced and it was not my own will to know him. I was rather running away from him. Was never giving any attention to him.

Eventually I fall for him. Hmm how did it happen I don’t know. Yes I took time, perhaps it was my children he is baiting first so it makes me like a person who knows how to tackle my kids. They love him, humorous, talkative, hot tempered and what else? I cant remember…

Its not easy to love yeah I remember that, it takes a lot to count how he actually can enter my zone. At the same time I am doing a research of why, so and so.

I love to give, that’s my nature. Loving all around me unconditionally make feel they would do the same. Right or wrong, I let nature take care of it. Pressure is never mine. I take things simply, naturally and easily. To some people I am absolutely nuts but I have reason.

If god can love me unconditionally without pressuring but laying all the law for us as guideline im sure i can have the sweetness of love naturally too.

Now I take a moment away before I go to sleep to think only the good memories happened to me. Probably hiccups is there during daytime but yeah I don’t take it till I go to sleep anymore.

When I was on the way home last nite at about 3.40am, I was stop by a road block. “Pagi cik… Tolong berhenti tepi” kata pakcik polis…

I pull over, taking out my license and pass over to him. “Dari mana ni?? He said “Office encik…” “Keje apa ni dah pagi” “CAri makan cik…” He read out my name. “Saya ingat awak cina” Hahahahah I was laughing ada ke nama cina berbinti I asked him… “Ye betul saya ingat awak cina, pasti darah campur?” “Ye campur indon” I was laughing, infact pale one. I was very tired and sleepy. “Patutla putih, cina indon ke” he asked again still holding my license. “Tak laa, nenek saya mungkin! Cantik, putih macam cina” “Ha itulah pasal, tak sangka ye” isk what is this, I want to go home please… my heart was saying.

He hand over my license. “Where is your husband?”. I don’t have one I said. He look at me not believing. If I have one would I be wandering like that in the wee hours… keeping it to my heart. Anyway I gave him a smile, and he let me go. “Bawa kereta baik-baik ye” and off I go…

In that day itself if was having many mix feelings and emotions due to my love life. They affect my life badly. I did almost everything for my love one. Organising their life the way it should be. Until im gone they forget the routine should be taken care by them now. But people still call me for their affairs… I would answer nicely but then later I would feel sad. The still associate me to him. They still thought we are together. I always leave in a good manner. I sometimes wonder will I feel the same love given to them n felt even they are gone… NO I shouldn’t ask this question not again… I have stop asking and I would just receive and accept what god decide for me. Meantime I will always work it out not just wait.

I have a lot of things to do in order to get my kids education taken care accordingly. Hard but I can do it of course. Tired, who’s not, but I still can walk, run, laugh and be happy sharing it with them.

My eldest is going to secondary next year. My worries grow but insyaallah I hold my faith in my hand and ALLAH please help me in a way…

By now im feeling better again. Relieved yesterday had passed and today is another day to look forward… Im learning every moment passing by. Like cik sekinchan was telling me “cik farm saya muleh type dengan mata tutup wooo” hahhahaa I was laughing. Yes, I said one can do it without looking because of the routines. I don’t have to see keyboard while typing. All I need to do is remember the keystroke. ‘a’ for small finger left and ‘;’ right finger and all the ten fingers has their own key zone. I was thought in school of secretary so that was easy. Eventually when things are done daily it made easy. So what ever happens to my day which is bad there is encik sekinchan who is never failed boosting. He can detect whenever the emotions is taking my intelligency hahahhah… Man with brain without an emotions… perhaps I could learn how to separate that but alas cancerian are always very moody… soft but stubborn… but im always a better person today….

11.19am
16^th Sept 05

I love YOu

Though i misses you abang but the fact i had to let you go is a must...
No matter how much hurt i am, i have to...
I cant let me or my children get affected at all ...
NOt again... not for another day, another hour, another moment ...
Yes i love you still but its only the pain that i swallowed everyday to make you happy...
And the happiness you enveloped in my warm hugs and thoughts will always be there lingered...
Dont let anyone thinks we are associated to each other anymore...
No more...
If once Yanti has done it to me and i can just put up my hand to god and ask for his mercy and this time around Roslinah will have his mercy too...
I have found my soul within the beads i practically counted...
I have found soothing voice when the holy being recite...
I have found the tears that tikcling my cheek when i called for his name...
HE came upon at once at anytime i called for his name...
HE has never failed to fulfill since the day im born...
He has never leave me all alone...

TEMPORARY
I am here...
For i am only given such time to love you...
For a granted to care for beautiful angels from heaven...

SOON
HE will take me away in his arm...
Embraced and nurtured in his true love ever...

Courage & WillPower

Life is hard and it takes all your strengths and weakness to fight over it. I learn that when i believe i can do it of course i will be and no one will stop me. Live Strong!!!! someone always tell me daily....
Being there to boost up and give courage and theres darling gf who called everyday pouring and panting but what i can tell her "hey be strong, live strong"...
This word is pass over to everyone. One after another. You take control, take charge of your life no matter what you face, no matter what you do. And i always believe if i dont make mistake surely people wont come and ask or even get pissed with me...
He walk away with a lot of bad memories left and also make ppl asking a lot of things to me of where, why, when, and what so ever...
Naturally i am not someone heardheaded tho i am stubborn where i will make dunno and avoid those people asking... I answered question well and do make an attempts to call to clear the air. Being coward he did not pick up if number is not registered in his phone. Where does this people stands, while boastedly saying "I know what I want and I will face any circumstances". But when reality comes they hide behind the shadows...
Can we shout "hey i am clever" knowing the facts that we are still learning. Can we say "hey i know who you are" while the facts that we dont even know ourself.
Look yourself in the mirror ask "who you are" get the answer and be bold outside and tell the world "I am so and so, im the owner of this and that, i know who so and so and i know what i want" With that you can stand strong, talk confidently and eb satisfied of what you do...
Ask this question...
What have i done wrong to ME or should i said what have i achieve so far?
I love what i have now without being monitor by anyone neither me to monitor whoever. Why because i just want a normal and simple life. With my books, my music, my passion to dreams in my fantasy world and kids that huggable and tolerable life.

Soulmate v.s. Passion

Which is more important??? Both are equally important. While some people can have soulmate that does same passion but mostly don’t. They have different interest, how do they complement each other.

While those who shared same passion is easy to manage with how they took things, how they strategize and how they analyses the passion is so much easier because they are looking at the same thing.

e.g gardening can turn out to be nice landscape at home where one can build a gazebo and the other will think about the potted plants and also the pond that can fit in the garden or even the man made waterfall.

I used to have lots of greens plants when I was in Bukit Antarabangsa.. All those green came from friends and even from nurseries way back to his mom’s place in Sungai Buluh. I can spend and spend like no one business. As I reached home after buying my main thing is to organize all the plants in order to make all look in place. I remember once where I and my friend, three of us passed by some place where no one is there anymore but there is a plant that we like so much… Nak beli malas.. after all its only pokok keladi so what the heck. My two friends are nuts about all this so as usual me as a driver just sit tight as they both work out how to take the plant home… So all in all reach home I was given the smallest n the very not nice one… ye laaa did not help just driving… Okla I accepted that without much fuss…

Reach home I find a pot put in and said to the plant “you better be nice to me, you are the smallest amongst all they take, you must prove me you are better and nice”….

While they have the nicest , the biggest and the prettiest and does not grow as expected somehow… I was shocked too but then, im glad mine grows well and even got white flower… arghhh I was so pleased the plant do listen n blooms my heart out… That’s is why I love to have a garden… greens and serene… whenever im in pain and vain I talk to them… its like talking to a person so dearly…

I told that to my husband where he just nodded because his passion was football. Name it what time he will be there awake waiting for his favourite to play. Me??? I rather sleep hahhahaha. But sometime I do complement it by going to the stadium with him. Wearing the attire, together with my children of course we go in yellow and red… Selangor was top during that time…

I watch but just to accompany to make him feel good, whereas he knows I don’t fancy it like he does. But I do let him go everytime his favourite plays wherever it is or he take part in the game with his group. When EPL season came, before I go to bed I’ll make him coffee, accompany for a while and excuse myself then…

It was much easier when the passion is like gardening and football. What about the rest? Golfing, singing, collecting antiques, mountain climbing, bungee jumping, jungle trekking and so forth…

How do one another address that. I have friend who loves to travel. But his soulmate don’t really like it. To her when he has time he should rest and spend the quality time to be together.

To his opinion while traveling we learn and also can be together. To her its tiring and also it means public. Its goes in separate way.

I tried fishing because I have many friends do that. One day a friend of mine rent a boat and take me to Pulau Ketam. Knowing I am not so friendly with sea and scared I would be seasick too he provide me with everything necessary.

Then we go off. The journey was good, the weather is nice. First time I was in the middle of sea. Amused by the greens I feel peace and calming as far as the horizon reached by my eyes. I feel good but by dawn at slowly it turns darker and the current become wilder. And I ask when are we going to start fishing. They were laughing, definitely not at the current situation they said. Yup its true, the boat is rocking.

But im beginning to feel in the darkness, what will you see and get. I can only listen to the sound of waves and the way the boat was rock up and down.

Before sailing I took something to avoid me feel seasick, which is ok but then later when I smell something nice fresh from the kuali. mMMM beautiful and sweet smell, must be very delicious because I saw the uncle throwing the net to catch some fish.

Without hesitating I took one fish to my mouth and oh no… the smell of oil, the rocking boat make me dizzy.. I cant stand it, I have to lie down n let the butterfly in my stomach stays around without jumping…. And that nite we can’t fish in the middle of the sea due to the strong current. It was raining and we retour to West Port to fish there.

I tried waiting for the bait to be taken by the fish… NO luck till time to head home I got no luck to get any fish… In the middle of the sea I tried to log on mobile… hahahaha chating lagi baik dari tunggu ikan, aku yang jadi bodoh…

No, actually to people who loves fishing, waiting for the bait to be taken is thrilling, exciting and that moment usually is a way to seclude themselves from the rest and drift their mind away. Which is true. That is the moment solely to the individuals or to the group who loves to fish. Sometime they do bring big fish home. Its not about how big the fish, it ‘s about the thrill, the adventure, the truest moment while they are there. The quietness, the darkness and the whole process n situation.

That’s something I can share when I have already experienced it but to those who love mountain climbing, skateboarding, anything that they love surely will give them satisfaction.

Back to the subject sharing it with soulmate is easier and what if they don’t? One has to accept another person’s liking. Some can stop, some just can’t. Perhaps one should taken a step to try and experience it to feel how the other party taking it.

If really one can take it, soulmate and passion will come in a package without losing one another.

Reading is another passion besides gardening that I love so much. Once I hook with book no one can detach me. Most of the time he is pissed with me because I am so engrossed with it and ignore outside world. Mom would throw my book away if I ignore her…

Eventually I learn. When he is not around then only I read, when he is around I will not do it or will only do it when he sleeps. I will not sleep until im done with the book that night itself. Once I started, I will not stop till im done.

And he don’t like what I like but I compensate the time. I gave him the attention, the love, the care or what ever he needs without jeorpadising anyone. And he will not make noise so long his stomach is full, the house is clean, kids are tip top and as usual sex life is good.

Soulmate will not complaint if all of those are taken care of. So what I can say here accept individual’s liking as it is. We cant force people to like what we like and cant force ourselves to like what we don’t.

Complement each other accordingly or give them the time and space to do it rightly.

15 Sept 05

1.45am

Welcome to My Life

Simple Plan

Do you ever feel like breaking down? 
Do you ever feel out of place? 
Like somehow you just don't belong 
And no one understands you 

Do you ever want to run away? 
Do you lock yourself in your room? 
With the radio on turned up so loud 
That no one hears you screaming 

No you don't know what it's like 
When nothing feels alright 
You don't know what it's like
To be like me 

To be hurt, to feel lost 
To be left out in the dark 
To be kicked when you're down 
To feel like you've been pushed around 
To be on the edge of breaking down 
And no one's there to save you 
No you don't know what it's like 
Welcome to my life 

Do you wanna be somebody else? 
Are you sick of feeling so left out? 
Are you desperate to find something more 
Before your life is over?

Are you stuck inside a world you hate? 
Are you sick of everyone around? 
With their big fake smiles and stupid lies 
While deep inside you're bleeding 

No you don't know what it's like 
When nothing feels alright 
You don't know what it's like
To be like me 

To be hurt, to feel lost 
To be left out in the dark 
To be kicked when you're down 
To feel like you've been pushed around 
To be on the edge of breaking down 
And no one's there to save you 
No you don't know what it's like 
Welcome to my life 

No one ever lied straight to your face 
And no one ever stabbed you in the back 
You might think I'm happy 
But I'm not gonna be ok 
Everybody always gave you what you wanted 
You never had to work
It was always there 
You don't know what it's like 
What it's like 

To be hurt, to feel lost 
To be left out in the dark 
To be kicked when you're down 
To feel like you've been pushed around 
To be on the edge of breaking down 
And no one's there to save you 
No you don't know what it's like (what it's like) 

To be hurt 
To feel lost 
To be left out in the dark 
To be kicked 
When you're down 
To feel like you've been pushed around 
To be on the edge of breaking down 
And no one's there to save you 
No you don't know what it's like 
Welcome to my life 

Welcome to my life 
Welcome to my life