Pain...

Category:Life

Penna: Lynna
Released: 280406
Mood: Blurr…

　

The muscle pull in my stomach came in constantly and continuously this morning. It is very obvious. I cant be depending on the pain killer because mine was not the normal one. Mine was the steroid type where only if I cant really stand the pain then I should take it.

My work finishes about 9.00pm yesterday. I had to excuse myself after I cant stand the pain at my lower back anymore. I consulted Dr today she isn’t sure of the cause but suggest I visit her next Friday. Dr Lina was saying it is not because of my surgery. It is the ergonomic pain which cause by sitting too long in the office. I was suggested to walk around more.

But what im feeling was the muscle pain could be because of sitting to long and its pulling the muscle around the surgery area. Pain the most felt on left and right at the scar.

On another hand my mind was still pacing on him last night after leaving my home he was crying again. My heart sunk… as much as I can hear but not the pain in him. “Sakit kat lutut nampak” I was quiet when he said that and then I hear the sob. He wasn’t into talking. He told me he wont be coming to see me last night, that makes me go and settle his application of maid alone. But in the midst of that he called he said he is coming and I ask him to wait for me at home instead. He was happy to have the situation of eating together while we can talk n joke around with everyone. Its so nostalgic. He sat around while watching TV feeling so comfortable and not wanting to go. I have to remind him of the place, my status and also how I wish he don’t have to go. Anyway its better than nothing at all. Eventually he left.

As soon as he reach home he called me. That was 1am, while he left at 11.30pm. The question is left unanswered. I want to let him do what he feels good and soothe his peace of mind.

14.07

Inner Feed

Penna: Lynna
Released: 270406
Mood: PiSSEd

Mengingatkan dan memaki adalah dua benda yang berbeza. Peringatan diberikan dengan ikhlas dan jawapan dengan makian dan juga kenyataan hukuman meletakan aku dalam kekafiran mengatasi keimananku. Zahar, sebenarnya kau lupa seperkara yang selalu ku jauhi sejak dulu.

Apabila kau datang menghulur tangan, kupalingkan muka dengan langkah sopan untuk pergi jauh. Kerana aku tak mengini apa yang ingin kau tawarkan padaku. Ketahui olehmu kerana ketidak stabilan mu dan sikapmu yang suka menurut kata-kata seorang perempuan tidak cukup membuktikan yang kau boleh menjadi pemimpin dalam kehidupan aku.

Pada langkah dan detik kehidupanku selama ini aku menetapkan, melengkapkan, mengadakan dan memenuhi ruangan yang tidak dapat diberi kepadaku. Dari situ aku bertekad tidak lagi mahu menjadi ketua untuk segalanya. Aku mahu lelaki yang berada disebelahku menjadi pemimpin, ketua, ayah, kekasih dan kawan yang mampu memberi aku panduan, perintah bagi segala yang dia atau aku inginkan. Mampu berfikir bagi pihak aku dan memutuskan apa yang perlu dilakukan.

Dan aku tidak mungkin meletakkan harga diri wanita lain serendah isterimu meletakkan diriku. Harimu telah tiba tetapi hariku masih jauh. Langit tidak selalunya cerah dan awan tidak selalunya mendung. Tidak selalunya kita menongkat langit. Allah lebih mengetahui apa yang ku simpan selama aku berada disisimu. Hari itu pasti muncul dan pada tika itu jangan kau cari aku lagi. Aku tidak lagi sudi mendengarnya.

Ya aku tahu kerana tangan mu yang bersumpah dengan al-quran dihadapan ibuku yang kau takkan menyentuh aku sebelum berkahwin memakan dirimu kerana aku tak ingin mengikuti perintahmu itu. Aku mahu menjadi yang haq sebelum aku disentuh kerana itu kau beralih pandangan mungkin kerana Roslinah pencetus nafsumu sedari awal. Maka aku kau jadikan alasan untuk kembali padanya. Entahlah naluri seorang wanita mungkin tak sama dengan naluri seorang lelaki. Mungkin kerana itulah aku tidak terburu untuk menerima pelawaan untuk kau mengahwini ku dan tidak juga aku mengiyakan pelawaan untuk ke umrah bersama wang dia.

Rumah allah yang ku agungkan ingin ku jejaki bila sampai waktunya kerana bila aku terpanggil dengan rezekiku dan imanku maka pada ketika itu akan ku serahkan jiwa ragaku padanya dan harapanku pada suami baruku jika ada. Insyaallah, untuk itu aku masih menjalin mimpi, menenun fantasi dan meraih realiti.

Walau aku nampak kuat dan gagah, tetapi hakikatnya jiwaku entah kemana hilang sedari masa kecilku. Kuraih semula tetapi entah dimana. Dimalam yang sepi ditemani suara malam, cengkerik, aku akur ditepi katil dalam syahduku memohon KEPADANYA untuk memberiku kekuatan emosi dan mental. Kubasahkan jiwa dengan zikrullah, basahkan hati dengan iman, pasrahkan diri hanya UNTUKNYA. Aku ingin disayangi, dikasih dan disayangi bukan disakiti atau di aniayai.

Pudar rasa untuk bercinta, pudar rasa untuk mencari, pudar rasa untuk memberi. Yang tinggal hanya rasa ingin membahgiakan agar aku tidak lagi dijadikan batu loncatan.

Aku amat merindukan belaian yang menjadikan aku amat sensitif. Abah, kembalilah, usap rambutku, ucapkan kata sayangmu. Aku rindu abah… Rindu yang teramat mencengkam dan menusuk kalbu.

Abang, walau aku ada dirimu tetapi aku terpaksa menghadkan jurang itu kerana aku tak mahu lagi tersungkur hancur dipersada bumi. Tangan yang menyuapkan nasi kemulutku semalam cukup membuatku nanar hingga kehari ini. Bilakah kali terakhir aku dilayan sebegitu rupa selain dari aku yang menyuapkan dan menyiapkan masakan dengan segala rasa cinta kasihku selama ini untuk semua disekelilingku.

Mulutku tak terluah kata-kata lagi, yang mengalir cuma airmata. Panas hangat menelusuri pipiku. Aku tak ingin menanggis lagi. Tak ingin kecewa lagi. Tak ingin sendiri lagi tapi dapatkah aku menggarapnya dalam realiti.

Hanya DIA saja yang mengetahui gejolak hatiku saat ini. Kekal untuk selamanya bahawa aku ini cuma dipinjamkan sekadar waktu yang tak pasti.

Anuar Zain

Rindu Belaian

Selama ini ingin ku ngerti sendiri
Entah apa saja yang kumahukan
Tiada petunjuk jalan
Biarpun apa terjadi semua kutempuhi

Mahunya biarku merasa dari mula
Biarkan semua cerita berlalu
Secara tiba-tiba
Inginku rasakan lagi semua kisah berlalu
Tak mungkin

( korus )
Aku ingin merasakan belaian
Seperti yang kuidamkan
Di mana belaian
Yang kuimpikan berkunjung tiba
Seketika atau selamanya

( bridge )
Janji terukir antara dua hati
Hanya dibibir tanpa disedari
Rindu belaian
Di masa kesunyian
Mencengkam diri
Terdampar sepi
Bagaimanakah oh rasanya
Kau di hati hanya untuk sekali lagi

14.39

Hati

Category: Life, Goals and Hope

Penna: Lynna
Released: 26^th April
Mood: Cranky

Ya, amat sukar untuk meluahkan apa yang sebenarnya dihati. Mungkin luaran ku rasakan cukup tapi hakikatnya adalah tidak. Menginginkan sesuatu yang terpendam walau terluah pun tak berguna jika tidak di pertimbangkan oleh sesiapa.

Setelah perbincangan semalam aku banyak berfikir dengan keinginan, perhatian, belaian yang kuinginkan. Aku tak mungkin mendapatkannya hanya dengan meluahkan, tidak juga dengan menyampaikan. Perlahan-lahan aku terasa seolah hanya aku yang bersungguh-sungguh ingin memberi dan dia hanya menunggu, mendapatkannya tanpa berbuat apa-apa.

Yang nyatanya, aku pernah melalui dua peringkat yang seperti itu dahulu. Mengapa aku masih belum belajar dari kesilapan masa lalu. Mengapa aku masih memberikan perhatian atas apa yang boleh membahgiakan orang lain tanpa perlu merasa bahgia pada diri sendiri. Selain teman dan anak-anak aku tidak merasa tersisih. Aku masih kaya dengan kasih sayang. Perhatian dari mereka yang menginginkan masih utuh. Yang jeleknya apabila aku mula memberi dan memerhatikan, meluahkan, aku tak terasa apa yang ku perlu itu adalah milikku.

Aku sering lari dari hakikat yang sebenarnya. Aku selalu memujuk diri dengan kata-kata bahawa itulah sahaja bahagian ku hari ini didunia. Aku boleh meminta walau dengan sesiapa saja. Dan mereka itu sentiasa menunggu tapi mengapa hatiku tertutup untuk mereka itu. Mereka sering ingin mendekati, hanya aku yang menjauhkan diri. Pabila mereka datang dengan cinta atau kasih ku jurangkan hubungan itu. Melayan seadanya dan menjawab seadanya.

Hati, aku tahu semaunya kau ingin dibelai. Jiwa aku tahu semaunya kau ingin dibaja. Rasa, aku tahu semaunya kau ingin disemai. Minda, aku harus mengajarmu untuk menerima seadanya. Kepahitan dan kesakitan semalam memang nyata tetapi yang esok hari bakal dilalui lebih pedih. Mampukah mengatasi keutuhan iman dan taqwanya.

Cekallah dikau wahai hati, jiwa lembutlah dikau mengikut arusnya, rasa alunlah badai selembut angin, minda teguhlah engkau mendokongi prinsip kehidupan. Tabah dan pasrahlah dikau wahai diri walau sehalus mana kau disiat, disakiti maupun ditelusuri, gagahlah kau berdiri disebalik jiwa yang kukuh abadi.

15.09pm

PROUD

Current mood: optimistic
Category: Friends

Penna: Lynna
Released: 250406
Mood: GLAD

TAME one word that strikes my mind over a chat with one of my confidante. Taming is it a simple task? Taming an animal may be easy but how tamin a person. Male or female? I remember one day an Arab male told me about taming a man is not difficult. Women are created with his left rib under his heart so by being hard will not do any good to him but if soft approach is used in using the specialty of being a women, men can listen and follows what they really need to do.

Taming is not asking a man to listen or nod to anything women says but to make them just being able to listen, understand, share, communicate, compromise and it goes vice versa to women too. As we all know being hard will NEVER pays anything. Tackling a person with sensibility and softness or kindness is the simplest way.

A friend of mine was saying "it's difficult to tame me" he said. I smile and said yes. Only the right person with the right attitude, with the right motive will make him tame or mellow and follow the wave of love or relationship. Its the matter of time and right individual. She has to understand him first. Time will tell, no matter how long it will be the right person will come.

He may be outspoken and knows many things outright. With the facts and knowledge he has, some people may says he is ARROGANT. For those who dont know him, yes, will give that kind of statement. But the fact is, what he says was based on what he knows and understands from what he reads and what he gets around him. Point of learning for him never stops. Feeding himself with knowledge will make him feel better than anyone else. Listening to him always makes me fascinated. Why? He never failed to feed and never feel stingy to explain should I not understand even a simple task. He will simplify further. Today he gave me something to recite to be used when someone is angry or even going for an interview. Some people wont even bother to share a good deed with others when it is good for themselves.

But him, in his mind full of ideas, in his chest full of knowledge where he shared with his close friend who knows him for good or for bad.

He is PROUD to be who he is. One attitude that is difficult to find in anyone. Proud of being an individual, proud of being himself, proud of what he knows, proud to share, proud to retreat anytime he needs to pull out and etc.

When he knows things wont work according to base and facts he will retreat without hesitation. Knowing that future will give him more problems "its better to be sick now then later" he said. One hell of guts to do it for some people but it is just a small matter to him.

Proud to know him, proud to be in his selection of friends, proud to be given a chance to understand the difficulties and necessities of the way being him and his way of thinking. Of all I am blessed to know one in a million of alpha male with different kind of attitude and behaviour.

We continue later. To him, I am honoured to know you, honoured to be still in the circle and thank you for your patience to explain things to me and making me understand what value of life is. Im GLAD!!!

12.04AM

Thank God for Everything

Penna: Lynna
Released : 240406
Mood: Glad

Today is the first day I start to work after 3 weeks of being on mc. As usual I came to office with a mood to start the day with a cheerful attitude. An orange blouse with a white skirt with a new hairstyle off I go with a smile.

I was given a sweet surprise yesterday. Was lazying at home when a call came saying “im coming to get the serimuka and im in WangsaMaju now”. Thinking he is joking I did not really care for his statement, afterall its Sunday. A day for him to be with his family and the other half. Never in mind that he would have a space for me especially from Subang to be here. Never ever occurs my mind.

The second call was more like a teased to me rather than to confirmed he is somewhere around. Only when I saw he was already infront of my door, while still talking to me on the phone made me almost drop my jaw. Luckily I was already back home after an outing with Rome. Hmmmm… surprise, surprise I don’t know how would I accept this surprise.

With that visit I took the opportunity to introduce him to all the friends he was jealous with. First I bring him to Rome’s house where lunch was served with Roti Jala and sweet syrup. The cozy den was so welcomed over the lovely palate of “masak lemak udang”. Deep in him, I know he wont put away the idea of trying those while I was scurrying over the roti jala with chicken curry. Few varities of donuts after that makes my meal for lunch really a good one.

While he look around with the house when he follows me to the kitchen, he reminded me not to be long as his time is so precious. Never remind me those if you need to hurry, why bother to come when you need to go immediately. He keep quiet while teasing me on and off. He was making himself comfortable with my fren and her daughter. Surprisingly Dida and Adam was very quiet during this visit. They never have me visiting them with a male company I guess. This was the first one. They were so reserve and remorse, not understanding why but let the time tells then.

Later a visit to Angsana Hilir was made to make him see what sort of place and person Yatee could be when I used to bring my children for swimming or lepaking session over a beautiful coffee. She was on the way out to send her nephews back to her mom’s house. It was a surprise for her not knowing that I came with him to send her the TV antenna. At least Lee is able to communicate with him for a start and Yatee was well received by him too. The assurance given to him was the cozy humble hut was a good place for us to talk, bitching, shouting or even lepaking over what life has to offers.

So by now he has met all my best friends including Niza on one fine night. A trust and honesty is all I have beside my respect. The rest are all in god hands. As much as I can say now, if it is time to leave again or even to let go, I have to be ready to do such action without having a feel to hurt myself nor himself as I know from the beginning the consequences of being a seconder.

Once he got things right with his other half, once he got it back on track, once he can patch it up, I should be ready to be dumped or to be left alone again for I will be happy to have him back to his life and family. As for now, I am a friend, I am a lover, I am a supporter who would make you strong to be a leader. My experience before has made me learn to accept what life can offer. I choose to accept you, someone who is owned and available, so I should be ready to face the consequences of being left or alone again.

Today I feel good after letting out something in my chest over a girlfriend. I am glad she can still accept me and talking about what we can do next after everything is ok with her. Mercy and blessed of all the kindness done made me feel good.

Now is time to retreat to my beautiful sleep. Thank god for the food I have today, thank god for peaceful on mind I have, thank god for the soul that blessed, thank god for taking care of my children while im at work, thank god for giving such friends who understand me, thank god for the testament I had,S to make me open my eyes wider to what life can be.
Alhamdullillah I still manage to breathe some fresh air after the accident few days ago.

Currently listening : Wind beneath my wings

12.07am

Paid Pronto

Current mood: awake
Category: Life & Death

Penna: Lynna
Released: 210406
Mood: SHOCK!!!

Driving in a big luxurious car was is always everyone dreams, especially with a name and power. No one would reject the offer if theres an opportunity. I did tried to avoid taking that chance but I know she did want me to drive it because she wants me to be with her later after my meeting.

With hesitation and confusion I did accept her Beemer key and take her car to the destination agreed with an idea to tag him along later for Karaoke session. There we go for a talk and chat continuing where we stop yesterday.

Driving slowly while hearing what both need to say was not as good as yesterday and the other day but somehow we achieve something especially his side. Oh yeah B, did you have a jolly good time???

The real you with your unexpressive attitude but only smile. As usual when its time to leave the moodiness and the heavy heart to let go the sweet lil time was always hard to accept. As I drive down alone slowly along Damansara to Duta tol. After pumping the fuel, I called Yatee to confirm whether we are going out after that.

After putting the phone down I called him to make sure he is ready to bed and done with the day. As we talk I noted smoke coming from the aircond duct and dashboard and soon after a fire spark and flame coming from the front. I pulled the car over the side and stop, winding down the window and stop the engine.

A Chinese guy came over giving me an instruction to get a water to put the fire off. A bottle of mineral is not enough, I tried to stop passers to get as many water as I can but the fire become a big flame. At first no one wanted to stop as we know and notice there many deceiving cases on the road that makes drivers avoid to stop but once they spot the fire coming out from the car Im driving they quickly hand me the water I need.

Still not good enough because the flame are burning the whole dashboard and sparkling over to everywhere of the seats and roof. There was nothing much they and I can do but to remove everything that can be salvage from the car. Until there is this Perdana stop over and took out fire extinguisher from his car and put the fire off from inside the car and front bonnet. In the panic state of mind those people who tried to help ask me to call Bomba for a help. Bomba came on time where everyone was already asked to be moving farther from the car because car can be exploded anytime when the fire really became a disaster.

I was in a state of shocked and apologizing to Yatee all the time for what had happen. I feel responsible because Im driving no matter how I refused to that she is stressing it was not my fault and not blaming me. Sigh I feel very bad, we settle that with Jalan Bandar Traffic police, later and get the car towed to the workshop that night.

I do not know what time that I drift to sleep and was wake up by Romes call in the morning. I was too tired to pick and talk. But I cant put myself to sleep again.

My mind was pacing. What did I do wrong this time to make me punished this way? Im still thinking and asking myself, where does the answer goes to

But Im thanking god to still grant me a chance to live today and write this note for me to remember. Every good deed done will be granted with good will and for every wrongdoings is done, I will be punished pronto.

Lesson of the day, can I still pursue what I want? To love and be love? B, I need you to guide me, monitor me, being concern about me.

9.37 pm

Pleasing...

Penna: Lynna
Released: 240406
Mood: SAD!!!

"Sometime they are not honest when they said they are..."
I guess that is right. Why should i be honest while i am not? Why should i tell while i should just keep my mouth shut!!!

Hurt... thats what im feeling now. Trying to be the best of me to everyone around me would never make me feel good. Why do i pleased everyone around while i dont want to pleased myself. Well, by now i should be taking the invitation one after another perhaps.

Why not test them afterall they came nicely asking. "Can i date u you out Lyyna?" I dont take it up because im not ready or maybe i dont want anyone to come to me with a bondage of love that would make me feel tangle with emotions.

But why i come to him and accept him? The love that i kept before was still fresh and blooms from my heart each and everyday now. As much is i nurture it was i getting the same? No, i shouldnt ask nor expect the same as i gave. NEVER!!! that shouldnt be in my vocabs.

Im a learner each and everyday. If i can have it, it is a bonus. If i cant, LIFE GOES ON. I wouldnt die if i dont get any love im sure. Let me put it this way so that i wont expect anything not from anyone. No, i had enough, i gave enough, and i dont want any from anyone anymore. Ill ask more from GOD as he knows what the best for me and my children. I guess it is how i should be fair to myself. Look good just for myself, work best just for myself, walk confidently for myself, talk nicely just for myself and in return god will pay me of all the good will i've done for myself.

Few blogs that i read today, slapping my face of what i write in my own blog. Was i showing off? Was i boasting of what i know? Who am I to do all those? Why am i doing that for? What grudge does she holds on me just because i am writing the way i should in each and everyone shoes?? Who came to me and get all those infos and at the very end of the day slapping to herself. Stupid me was always being nice to people without knowing what do people really need from me. But im just doing what i need to do without a feel that i should be getting this from anyone. Was i proud to be who i am to you??? YES, I DO and will always do. Even one day if you slap me on the face for being emotional or angry over me, i would accept that action. Why because i have accepted you to be WHO YOU ARE.

And my mistake was to trust you as what you are and at the very end of the day you used what i said to hurt ME, to pull ME down and to kill ME softly.

God hear me please for i am not like what they think. I just want to be me. To give, and give and give... there is no return in that. No, i wont dare to ask anymore...

Dear god, take me in your good hand please...
I am very tired...
Let me retreat....

15.11pm

Suratan atau Kebetulan

Just updating and voicing while pouring something i cant pour visibly. Yes, i am feeling the heat of the action i take. Now im beginning to think more serious of the consequences. I want to pull over, let go, and just forget but deep in my heart not wanting me to let go. I have once unfinished it, i have gotten it back, would i let it go again.
Why would i want to let it go while i always wanted it to come back all this while? Why must i let myself down just wanting other people life to be perfect and beautiful. Why do i love to pleased while i sulk all the way through? Why do i smile while seeing others holding, embracing and kissing while i yearn for all those sickly to be in the same position as they are.
Few days ago "Suratan atau Kebetulan" was sang to me just next to my ears live with his beautiful life. "Sesuatu yang tak disangka, seringkali mendatangi kita". Yes, sometime i wasn't being fair to me or to him or to others around me. Merely because i just think of how to make them happy. Whats for me?
Now im going to ask, whether i can or not get it thats a different story and fall under next category. I want to have all that i yearn long ago, no matter how, which, when, where, what way i will try to get it. But do give me support and backup for me to prove that i deserve all those. Otherwise pleaaaaaase let me know or let me GO...

Suratan Atau Kebetulan
Sesuatu yang tak disangka
Seringkali mendatangi kita
Itukah suratan dalam kehidupan
Atau hanya satu kebetulan

Kita asyik membicarakan
Persoalan hidup dan pilihan
Sedang kejujuran semakin berkurang
Masih tiada bertemu jawapan

Walau kita dihadapkan
Dengan berbagai pilihan
Mengapa sering terjadi
Pilihan tak menepati
Hingga amat menakutkan
Menghadapi masa depan
Seolah telah terhapus
Sebuah kehidupan yang kudus

Pertemuan sekali ini
Bagi diriku amat bererti
Tetapi ku bimbang untuk menyatakan
Bimbangkan berulang kesilapan

Ill add on more when time permits meantime here goes...
This piece is for you...

No matter how much you think I am contradicting but as much as i know i have comeback to a place where i want to be pamphered and love by you the way you did last time. And as much as i know i want it to happen in reality not just in my dreams and fantasy.

Love may make me a fool but i am not a devil who would push and angel who would love to pick n guide me along the way of life journey....

Bitching

Current mood: Amused

Penna: Lynna
Released: 17 Apr 06
Mood: Excited!!!

Gotten few things yesterday and compiled in my box of mind. All those inviting my smile and thank god since then im glad im able to accept lots of things. While some people still cant accept and bitching (hahahaha) but i keep my pace constant and rolling my life like usual.

Those smile i had was merely just for me. Marriage, relations, uncertainty, junctions, temptation was so exciting in the diary of mine. Within few weeks i met lots of people from north right to the end of Peninsula Malaysia. Not to forget East and West.

Gosh how god pull everyone to be around me n pushing the booster and motivation for me to keep on pacing and humping. So what have you achieve so far beside bitching about me eh???
Those people that i missed meeting while i was in Langkawi there will always be another day for sure, insyaallah. For Yati, im looking forward to be there for you and hoping during those time ill be back on feet again and swaying.

Listening to cik Pokiah yesterday was good. So much to share since i was in my hiatus period. To all my darlings tq tq tq for keeping in touch. Time to meet isnt there yet. I need to make sure that you came without any intention at all, so that it will be better to accept in my own den.
To Dot, my pray will be with u and mom, hope she will be fine in no time soon. To my dear sister who is carrying a baby take a good care dear. If i cant be there, kiss the baby for me.
Shit im craving for a baby smell while i know i cant be getting any i guess after this. Mmm i had four lovely angels already anyway. I should be thankful.

To Z who has wedded R, congratulations!!! "Perempuan yang baik hanya untuk lelaki yang baik" dan "hanya mereka yang tahu makna maliqiyaumiddin akan merasakan keindahan suatu kehidupan"
Amin adanya.....

Today, theres only one call after i said "phone will be off by 9pm". The minute i said that phone rings, and i was reminded not to sms and call because she is around. My lips are tight and pursed. My chest are clogged, I choose this then i got to swallow it!! For sure im thinking far ahead was my time worth just for relations, companion, or to compromise the appeal of being $@#$ symbol. Darn feelings, fuck off from my mind and heart. I should be happy getting all the attention and love. To you, i guess for you to consider my feelings that always falls under the 100th place. Dont mind about me because it is not worth for you to think off.

"Life GOES on"
10.10pm
9.59pm

Passionate Hand/ Love

Current mood: confused
Category: Romance and Relationships

Penna: Lynna
Released: 140406
Mood: Unsure

The craving needs and wanting to remember someone is so unbearable lately. Different persons that really affects my emotion and feelings. Emotion??? Feelings??? Merely because of the person itself having similarity in giving affection and showing it.
Keep on thinking of the lovely hand brushing my hair off my face. Cant forget the gazing eyes while the hands lovingly caressing my face, eyes, nose, my lips with deep meaning. Yes, I really missed those time. It doesnt mean those action will lead to something intimate. No it never does. He affect me with his love that way and with that Ill come closer to him and snuggle to his chest letting him embracing me in his warmth body and let him wrapped me in his arms.
Feeling close, comfortable, secure and loved. Having to just let the time passed without saying nothing. Calming and so peaceful. Can only hear a heartbeat, while the loving hand cares my hair and back slowly and lovingly.
Yes he affected me with his passion. Very passionate lover and passionate friend which has gone away taken with time thats not suiting me.
Can still remember his word saying the person who gets you will be very lucky. As my eyes set on him quizzically asking why would that be?. You are very passionate he said. But to me he is the passionate person. Of all the friends I have, he had affect me with that, his words, his eyes, his smile, way and word of wisdom. My comfort feeling to be with him because he dont have intention towards me, although he have said I may not love you but I sayang you one night after a long discussion of a matter of lifestands. I dont know what does that means but that secure words amused me.
With that I hold that bondage till today even when he has gone without saying goodbye. I have love his way because he has no feelings towards me that dont make me feel tied to him, which makes me feels so comfortable coming to him without having feelings and bond to him in anyway. I can come to him as and when I need him to be my friend or need him to touch me lovingly. I feel safe that way, very very safe in a way I dont have heart feeling but being touch of solely by his affection only.
The way he touch, the way he look, the way he smile, the way he talks, so slow and melodramatically. Why of a sudden I missed those? Why of all the affection I had from everyone cant beat all those affection he gave although I am showered with love especially when I am sick.
Z affects me with his way being demanding, commanding. The way of showing his love does affect me. Tho he was hard and rough but his affection mellow me. The bondage of love holds me to him. Letting him go because of other person was a mistake but letting him to find himself within his long lost love will make him happy.
But I cant help myself remembering the loving hands which no others can beat this two person. Whom one has affected with his love and one affecting with his loving touch.
Why passionate lover? Whats wrong with whom who love me without passion but just emotions? Whom said I love you many times in a day, he with his emotions and hardly show his passion and affection. Only his eyes gaze in me deeply. I love those eyes, I love the way he pick up my call or when he call me, first thing I will hear hi sayang. He will never argue with me but explain why he did it. Its difficult to get his eyes set on mine but once he did it my heart ache for his touch and embrace. He will not do it as and when. He will make me yearn and long for it. He makes me feel wanted and love. Whats wrong with me?
It would not be the same. Passion is so different with emotions. Passion is a way of expressing with touch and bondage. While emotions needs words to say it out to express the feelings. The way of touching is good enough to show the affection and sign of love.
Yes I crave for that. I do touch in my very own way. Way of expressing my feelings. Way of me touching and hold his hand, while my fingers trail his arms, caressing his fingers, kissing his cheek, his neck or touching his back. He doesnt like it, he doesnt like to show it off while I loved to. The conflict of expressing my way and his way often lead me to sulk.
But that is what I should accept because I cant expect him to be like those persons who had left. Was it right to missed that feeling. I dont know.
Dear blog this is what I feel, this is what I want, this is what I need. Capture my memories, capture my emotions, capture my passion, capture my compassion so that I can read and remember always. And to you abang I will always be myself when it comes to love you and express myself to you. I cant change my way because that is what I love to do. I loved to being love that way, I crave for that loving hand again. I loved to love and be love. Sometimes words is just aint enough.
To the owner of the loving hands who read this, the credit goes to you. To you abang, I will be as you know who I am. I know your way and know my ways. It may be different but it is the way to complete the necessity. To be par with you guess Im not in the position to do it, Im going to patch the gap between us so theres no loophole that makes us ugly.
I just want to complete what is not enough with my life and I just want to complete whats missing in yours. To compete with anyone, thats no big deal to me because I have no one to compete, not even her, your half.
Love me just the way you do, is all I want, in return ill pray to god to keep us tangle and keep you in good shape and stronger than anyone else.

9.55pm

Laprascopic Bilateral Cystectomy

Current mood: curious

Category: Blogging

Penna: Lynna

Released: 13 April 06

Mood: Ingin Tahu

Satu penyakit yang didatangi 1 dalam 7 perempuan didunia. Terjadi kerana proses bulanan haid yang biasanya keluar melalui alat sulit wanita. Endometriosis terjadi kerana cebisan darah yang keluar bukan didalam saluran fallopian, uterus dan juga rahim dan tidak keluar melalui faraj. Proses itu terjadi apabila lebihan darah kotor itu menghala kebelakang dan bukan kesaluran normal dimana ia tidak boleh disalur keluar dan membentuk ketulan dari bulan ke bulan.
Usus, uterus, ovari dan fallopian tiub bergumpal dan menyebabkan kesakitan di pinggang, pelvic dan apabila darah haid keluar. Tanpa sedar ia terbentuk dimana hanya sebulan sekali sakit mendatang apabila haid tiba. Selain dari itu tiada simtom yang dapat menyatakan bahawa endometriosis di hidapi oleh seseorang.
Ia menyerangku pada seminggu selepas hari raya sewaktu memandu kepejabat. Kesakitan yang amat sangat yang menyebabkan peluh memercik keseluruhan badan. Walaubagaimanapun aku cuba untuk mengagahkan diri ke pejabat hingga aku tidak lagi berdaya untuk menghadapinya. Aku memberitahu bos yang aku benar-benar sakit dan tidak mampu menanggung kesakitan itu lagi. Aku dikejarkan diklinik, diberi injeksen dan aku terpana seketika dan perlahan-lahan sakit itu hilang dan aku disuruh buang air kecil dan sedikit sampel diambil untuk dibuat kajian.
Darah dan protein ditemui dalam kencingku dan dengan itu dikaitkan dengan buahpinggang. Aku diberi cuti setelah itu dan diberi ubat tahan sakit sekiranya aku diserang lagi. Aku bertahan sehingga tengahari esoknya dimana kali ini aku diserang dengan lebih hebat sehingga dimasukkan ke Bilik Kecemasan.
Aku dicucuk lagi, sampel darah diambil, begitu juga air kencing dan seterusnya temujanji dibuat bagi keseluruhan kajian dibuat. Lima bulan selepas itu aku, setelah diperkenalkan kepada doktor sakit puan, aku disahkan bukan menghidapi sakit buahpinggang tetapi mempunyai ketumbuhan didalam perut yang perlu dibuang kerana ruang itu telah dipenuhi sepenuhnya.
Ruangan kiri ovari telah penuh dengan endometriosis yang bersaiz 5x6cm dan uterus telah mengembang dua kali ganda dari saiz asal dan menyebabkan kesakitan yang tidak terhingga. Ovari sebelah kanan tidak terlalu besar dan tidak berapa memudaratkan tapi juga perlu dibuang.
4 lubang ditebuk bagi memudahkah kamera dan laser untuk melihat keadaannya. 7 botol air dan antibiotik masuk kedalam saluran darahku selama 4 hari diwad dan satu saluran kecil bagi menyalurkan lebihan pendarahan yang diletakan sebelah kanan dalam satu kantung kecil. Dimana darah yang kecoklatan dibuang pagi dan petang untuk memastikan kesemua darah yang kotor dibuang dan tidak lagi tersimpan didalam perutku. Haid datang pada hari pertama operasi dijalankan dan seperti biasa hampir dua minggu lamanya. Walau warnanya telah berubah dan kuantitinya kurang tapi ia masih meninggalkan kesan padaku. Sakit apabila ingin membuang airbesar dan juga apabila angin memenuhi ruang perutku. Ketegangan berlaku apabila aku duduk terlalu lama ataupun berjalan banyak.
Syukur segala keperluan makan minum cukup dijaga oleh adik, pembantu, mak, makcik dan teman-teman. Teman sepejabat datang membawakan pati ikan haruan dan pati ayam untuk memulihkan luka didalam.
Kepada semua yang menghantar SMS untuk mengetahui keadaan dan doa, terimakasih tak terhingga kerana ingatan terhadap diriku. Leen, Dizz, Aniz, Ida, Liz, Dot, Dol, Mohd, Naz, Poker, Bungkel, Yati, Rome, Niza, Sam dan lain-lain, terimakasih. Disinilah terletaknya nilai persahabatan dan kasih seorang kawan yang mana terluah bukan hanya dengan luahan perasaan tapi doa yang ikhlas.
Alhamdullillah, allah memberiku ruang dan cinta kasih kawan yang dapat meneruskan senyumku hingga kini.

1150pm

Fail or Fault

Fail or Fault Category: Blogging

Penna: Lynna
Released: 12th Apr 2004
Mood: Sick

Yes i was very sick today. Early in the morning i was already feeling blues, threaten and feel like being a failure. But then question was asked to myself. Was it totally my fault to put a trust on something i thought that can be handled when it was passed down.
I was a winner, a runner, a student, an achiever and i expect the same from my children. But then once it was failed i gave them another chance but now its visible she did not prove that to me she's one of them. While Kak Long prove me that she can, Shira failed for the second time. I yelled this morning, it makes my pelvic hurt like shit. I forgot the pain when my outburst blast. Damn me then but then it makes me feel so down since.
I put the drape down, cover my ears and self from surrounding till the call came in at almost eleven to wake me or to tell me its almost noon. The clog in the chest are still felt but then i let it be and go on with what i wanted to do today.

By four when bored enveloping my consciousness then i wake up put on my proper outfit to go out. Just to heal me with my writing. I feel good now... I had a good time yesterday entertaining all of my kids n nephew for full day outing. They got new shoes, new bags and loads of fun. Im glad im there to share the laugh, the smile and the joy.

5.34pm
Wednesday

Nature & Affection

Current mood: hot Category: Romance and Relationships

Penna: Lynna
Released: 11TH aPRIL 2006
Mood: As Nature and Being Beautiful like It is the Best Feel I every Had!

08 April 2005

After 4 years Langkawi was not visited like routine. Here I come again with new definition of style and expectation. A place which keep lots of love memories and affection. Last visit was when i wanted to renew our wedding vows and terms or to try amending it in 2002. Anyhow lots of things has been changed.
Checked in to Berjaya Hotel at the very end corner of the lovely island where 90% of the guests are whites from all over the world and Japanese. It was surrounded by well kept green forest and located on a slope with green sceneries with sound of nature and rythm of the lovely waves which comes and go. Having to hop around in a shuttle to take us from cafe to chalet was amusing n fun ride while healing fresh breathe do really appeal my thoughts and soul to be with full of joy and fun.
Cant tell you how much I felt for this place while im suppose to be resting home and this holiday was a blast resting place for me after so long.
Yeah, being gone with male and female do gave so much of difference. It has been long since i pampehered myself with all this. Having holidays on my own without the kids. Having friend to serve me and attend to be a companion. My last long journey was to Sg on June last year with a friend of mine. Being pamphered by him was very sweet. At the same time being a companion to male gender was lovely. But having to have a female companion are far more sweeter when they can understand better in full terms of desire and destiny of a friendship and relations. It was beautiful experience where you can listen, giving your thoughtful mind, and advice.
We sing, we laugh, we dance, we cry, we shout and even do stupid things but it only makes us understand more of what life can offer to everyone in this world be it to parents, friends, siblings, foes, and everyone. Im glad i said yes to her invitation beside being there for her to listen, to guard and to advice she did found herself, her missing point in life, marriage, friendship, relationship and most important being HER as a person.
And as for me, being far away from kids, families, friends and love one do gave me one hard time to adjust the feeling of being missed and missing. But i had a very good time. Its a coincidence once we checked in my cousin sister fm Senawang SMS came in telling she just checked in to Buena Vista in Kuah. I was laughing when i heard her voice on the other end telling her "hey we can meet!". There i was on the second day my uncle pick me up in a van for evening tea. I was blessed and so happy to have two uncles and aunties and surrounded around by cousins sister and brothers. Thank you god for the lovely reunion after the sickness and pain. Thank you, thank you and alhamdullillah.

09th April 2006
It has been long since i am being touched even myself or someone opposite. Sinking my body in a hot tub, appreciating the feel of warmth water enveloping my body, soul and mind. Touching every inch of my body, appreciating every curve and corners. Getting a feel that I long for was never the same. The hot flush, the heart beat, the strong urge, needing, wanting, the place, and environment and most important how I felt towards the feeling. Now I am starting to miss hot body next to me, missing a langarous lazy touch, musky scent, sexy smell that inviting my desire and lust.
Wanting hot and crazy love. Crazing over crawling touch, tickling, twisting, sleazing, entwined in one soul, one melody, one rythm to one destiny. The hot flush rushed, burning my heart with desire, lust and fussing over the envigorating needing heat.
Day by day the needs, the urge, hiking, upheaving will of notion. The appealing feel, getting all the attention from him. But the thoughts always back to the luring eyes which has affected me much by his touch once upon a time. The way he touch, lurking, tickling, breathing, amused me and when i thought of it, the blood rushed jerking my nerve with intention to feel the hands again on my body.
I drifted to far... but i wanted to share more. I will be back later to continue the affection that affected my desire...

3.31pm 11th april 2002

Missing...

Penna: Lynna
Released: 020406 (1100am)
Place: Kuala Linggi, Melaka

The missing point was so unbearable today. Nothing can beat the feeling of missing the familiar smell of my children. Prepaid is gone with smses and calling them just to hear the voice. I’m not sure how other go through the unbearable feelings of missing their children. I hardly can take it myself, would never be.

I’m lost in the battle of fighting the emotions not to miss them. It was never the same to miss someone, or a man, or a lover, or families, or parents etc. It was also never the same of missing a hotbody next to me… I can’t tell how does it feels but it makes my tears running down the cheek as I thought of them.

I cried almost everyday. Either in my heart or just by drifting away, far away in my thoughts…………

Him? Do I miss him? Yes, I do, but it was never the same… I have been missing him yearsssss ago, missing him now is worst. Because he has affected me with his emotions, passion and not to mention compassion.

What I need was someone to pampered me with his love, passion, words of wisdom, encouragement, jokes. He does fulfill some even not all. In life we gain some, we loose some. Will always remember that in me wherever, whenever I am. He derives me to be in love again and also to love or to continue the unfinished item in my life which need to be renewed with a new vow.

I don’t know, I have been very positive over the uncomfortable situation, unwanted scene, the unforeseen future but yes, I still have my faith strong with me saying happiness will be with me at the end of the day. Keep on praying and keep on asking. God will grant my wish, if it is not for me, for you, for him, for my kids, for my families.

It is for everyone in my life. Welcome to my world abang. Love me the way you do, no matter what comes, it is just a testament from god to test you how much you mean it for me or you.

I love you………

Desire and Need

Penna: Lynna
Released: 060406 – 10.22pm
Mood: Puzzled
Currently listening: Kau yang Teristemewa (Adibah Noor)

Ini adalah khas buatmu abang...

Pada waktu-waktu tertentu aku pasti dapat meleraikan kekusutan yang dihadapinya. Aku tahu kebuntuannya adalah kerana dia mahu bersikap jujur dan dalam waktu yang sama tidak dapat melepaskan aku dari minda dan hatinya. Kenapa? Entahlah… hanya dia yang mengetahui.

Mengapa abang menanggis? Mengapa menanggisi waktu yang telah kita tinggalkan. Mungkin allah mahu kita merasai apa yang kita rasai sekarang ini setelah kita rasai hari semalam yang mendukakan. Mungkin esok yang datang lebih baik atau mungkin lebih buruk. Yang tahu nyatanya hanya allah sahaja.

Jangan takut menghadapi esok. Taqdir bukan ditangan kita. Jodoh dan pertemuan ditangannya. Kita bertemu semalam tapi tak ditakdirkan berkasih-kasihan, tapi kini ditemukan semula dan meneruskan apa yang tertinggal. Yang boleh kita lakukan cuma merancang dan menjadikan ia satu kenyataan tetapi ia perlukan usaha dan keinginan yang kukuh dalam minda dan jiwa.

Ketepatannya tergantung kepada bagaimana kita meyakinkan hati kita apa yang dilakukan ini adalah yang terbaik buat kita berdua, untuk semua orang disekeliling kita. Tetapi yang terutama adalah untuk diri kita dahulu. Memintalah dengan sesungguh hati allah pasti memberi. Yakinlah!

Walau aku tahu dia tak kuat untuk menghadapinya, maka berdirilah aku dibelakangmu untuk menyokong dan mendorongmu. Tetapi usaha adalah ditanganmu. Aku akan tetap terus disini seperti dulu, tetap walau tiada dimata tetapi dihatimu kutetap disitu. Aku redha dan berserah. Aku akan teruskan usahaku, bagi pihak dirimu kecekalanmu terletak pada iman dan taqwamu. Percayalah allah sedang mendugamu dan aku, dan aku yakin aku adalah insan terpilih untuk menerima dugaan ini.

Cinta, kasih dan sayang….

Ia perlu pengorbanan. Aku tahu aku harus menjadi tongkat buat sibuta, penyuluh buat yang gelap, penyokong minda yang utuh, lilin untukmu yang menerangi dan menyinar hari yang mendatang. Apa untukku? Apa yang akan menyinari hidupku adalah senyummu dan mereka.

Sampai bila? Aku tak tahu… Percayalah apabila tiap dugaan yang datang dalam hidup, ianya adalah peringatan untuk kita hadapi dan maklumi. Untuk menanganinya haruslah kita dalami apakah isi dan intipatinya.

Sejauh ini, aku menelusuri hati dan perasaanku sendiri. Aku tidak mahu menyakiti walau ternyata aku disakiti dan tidak mahu memaklumi tetapi aku belajar dan pasti waktu untukku tetap ada untuk meneruskan cita-cita dan keinginan yang bersarang dalam jiwa.

Aku jua ingin dikasihi, dicintai, dibelai. Sedikit demi sedikit aku perolehi apabila aku mula menyuarakan hasrat hatiku, keinginanku. Walau gejolak rasa itu meronta-ronta namun aku tahu bila waktu harus bertindak, bila waktu aku harus diam, bila aku harus berlalu namun perlahan-lahan ia datang memberi kepuasan berkat kesabaranku sekianlama.

Mungkin bagi mereka yang telah kehilanganku akan terasa bahangnya tetapi bukanlah niatku untuk mereka itu mendapat pengajaran begitu. Takdir yang menentukan ianya begitu maka aku pasrah dan merelakan agar aku redha dengan ketentuan dan bahagianku didunia.

Bersyukur dan berterimakasih atas setiap pemberiannya sentiasa mengingatkanku supaya menyedari kehadiranNYA mendengar doaku tiap waktu.

Untukkmu sayang gagahlah berdiri dibelakangku, untukmu kawan utuhlah kau disitu, untukmu kecintaanku dunia akhirat, ibu sentiasa berada disisimu selagi dipinjamkanNYA. Teguhlah aku disitu…

Namun dalam waktu persembunyian ini aku dikejutkan dengan mimpi yang manis setelah mimpi direalitikan. Aku dikejutkan dengan mimpi yang menggangu lena tidurku. Termanggu aku buat seketika. Manisnya mimpi itu benar-benar mencuit minda dan hatiku. Biarlah DIA yang menunjukkannya dengan terang. Biarlah DIA yang menyerlahkan makna mimpi itu. Ditanggannya kuserahkan diriku, untukknya kuserahkan diriku, kerana aku ini hanya pinjaman yang untuk satu waktu akan di ambilnya semula untuk satu waktu yang abadi dan pasti….

8.12am (070406)

My HiaTus Period

Penna: Lynna
Released: 040406
Mood: Cherio and Thankful
Currently listening: Could I have this Kiss Forever (Whitney Housten & Enrique)

Bismillahirrahmannirrahim…

Thank god, I am able to be back here to voice out my thankful thoughts to this space of mine. Thank you to those people who have been helping me with my surgery, who has been sending and looking after my welfare during the surgery, during the admission, during my treatment and being discharge and to take me back home to my children, families and my special space here…

My smile lingers even till now. My long conversation has made me said a lot of things. These few days has been affecting me badly after my surgery… I was affected badly by missing the smell of my kids, the laugh, the smile and affection. I cried few times being in the deserted place of loneliness without them though I was surrounded by mom, aunt and cousin’s and other families. Now I can be smiling again in the warm embrace of my kids, families, friends and to you my special reader.

As much as I miss my blog, he does too. He misses reading what I felt over the week since I was admitted. I met a lot of lovely people from a friendly monkey who visited me every morning to share a portion of breakfast, numbers of friendly nurses who came every now and then offering hands and lovely smile and also to all the doctors who has been attending to me. They are very very nice indeed and have had a very special smile to heal my pain sooner than I expected.

To Dr Harlina, my special thanks goes to you for recommending ARMY Hospital for my temporary resting space with loads of wonderful people. To Dr. Thevi and Dr Saifuddin who was in charge in making the operation successful, thank you very much.

2 hours of operation I was promised will make me smile again they said. “Not to worry” before I was given anesthetic few minutes before I was asked to say “syahadah” and started it with “Bismillahirrahmannirrahim”.

It was then realized they took 6 hours than suspected earlier. The cyst I had was complicated and severe whereby my right ovary was not as bad as left where the uterus, ovaries, intestine and bowel was frolicking into each other making it difficult to remove. My uterus has grown double of the normal size where it has been infected beside outside my ovaries. The long period, and the painful pelvic pain, was a normal symptom for endometriosis.

He was there waiting for me and has been answering all the calls that came in during the period. Yes, I informed my mom a night before I left for Melaka. I told my sister a few days before I leave KL. I called my aunt in Melaka few minutes before I was pushed to the operation theatre.

Why did I do that last minute while I know the operation date 2 weeks earlier? I was still hesitate that these occasion will renew my relationship with those people since my divorce took place. But I’m glad it went well.

The arm who has been rubbing my back when I feel like vomiting and the hand who took the mercy of putting some ointment on my neck and my head when I feel the world is spinning never change from those hand I known before since I was small. I don’t need to ask her to do that. I just had to sit down and feel the uncomfortablity but the loving hand would know what to do. Perhaps my aunt realize that I need that loving hand without being asked and she knows I never asked and will never will. It was never the same to have mom on the second day. Tho she is there but she is there. I know the difference and will never make any fuss of it. Will never say it why, where, and when. I’ve known her for being her so I will just accept her the way she is.

But when she shows her affection towards him on the day he came to pick me back in KL, it give me a message although it’s a bit too soon to say something about it.

I had a long talk with him just now. Voicing his doubts over his ability, over the future, over situation that might took place, over a short encounter of affection and passion of love has really give me some rough idea what to expect and to source out. I just wish god listen to my heart says. To give me another chance to renew my life, a chance to be able to love, a chance for my family to amend those things which happen and to look out of new series of renewal terms in my life.

Would I be able to do it and materialize it? It is in HIS hand. I’ve told him all about Z. I’ve let him read my SMS, my blogs, my heart says and knowing my family. It is now all in god hands. Im not taking you away from what you have, but im sharing what I can have in future and to be able to understand what has been communicated.

This is my first blog since I’m back in KL. I have a lots of things to write but disability, uncomfortability makes me just wrote it in a piece of paper for me to materialize it here perhaps tomorrow and the day after. Insyaallah I will share it with you readers for us to think and ponder what I have in mind during my hiatus period.

Till then its late, I need to rest again although I’m not sleepy but I need to be ready early tomorrow because I have appointment with doctor to remove the stiches. Sam is willing to drive me and mom is willing to accompany me. I was sorry for my sister who can’t use my car because it wasn’t with me. It was purposely set not to be with me for it to be serviced and to make my movement not as active. (*I know you are smiling, but I know your intention and concern very well*) (Thank you!)

Good to be back, kicking and alive again with a new term and mission…

J ;-) :-*

1.31am - 050406