Cleaning my closet

Friday, February 24, 2006

Cleaning Out My Closets
Current mood: Love, Journey & Destiny

Penna: Lynna
Released: 240206 (18.13)
Mood: Thankful

The past has been brought up to present where I was sitting and he is standing. The way he is telling all the things that he does before brings back all the jolly good memories to him without fail. What was I thinking that moment? He was mesmerizing all the good moments for him to capture and tells me what he feels.

But when the moments each and individual was told about current situation, the happiness subsides and he is back in deep thoughts. Hesitating to say anything and when he made the assumption about me and the situation I am facing I have to intersect him and tell the whole truth.

Yes I was wrong, no we was wrong. We never thought, yeah we never thought we should be doing something to mend. But no there is no point to brood about it. The subject followed by things that we want to do next. Yeah both is picturing, expressing, viewing the sense of toughness. We are going to stir up as much pain, as much sorrow but both of us need to stand straight and wave all the problem in unison.

And for the first time while my hand is held, while his eyes stared deep in me the magical moment and words was blurted out by him. I was silent, quiet and drifted apart in me. Not hallucinating but enjoying the moment of truth I been waiting for.

Was he the one I've been waiting and longing. But he has said it from his heart, 'live' for me to hear it, sensed it and gathered it.

Thank you

PMS

Current mood: angry
Category: MySpace / MyDen/ MyZone

Penna: Lynna
Released : 270206
Mood: Roaring with flame

I was quiet, due to my tiredness yesterday I guess. Headache, temperature of my body goes up by evening, plus the heat from the weather really makes me worn. A day in Nilai to be an advisor to my cousin upcoming wedding in May really ties me down. The chance to meet my aunt and the rest of the cousins was overwhelming at first. But eventually worn off by the heat of the sunny weather and sticky feeling as we browse along one to another shop looking for the right materials and concept. Whenever question asked it was like the "donno" answer likely to be heard, by few hours later I was really pissed and walk back to my car to get some refreshment and catch hold of a conversation.

When the sweat is gone I join them back and decision was made later without much noise. Ani, Nurul, Tuty and me keep on teasing and joking while aunt was just intercepting whenever needed. The long haul of me not being with them never creates and iceberg in our relations amongst us. We are still as naughty as we are before. We still can enjoy a joke, laughter, story and whatever. By the time everything finalized it was already like 6.30pm when my dad called to ask what time I can reach home because he wanted to use the car.

With that I don't have much time to wait longer not coming with them to hang around. I cant stand the sticky feeling and the humid weather anymore. All I need was a long bath under the cold shower to freshen up my body and mind. Solely…

Ita said her mother was sick. I was just listening… without saying anything…

My mind is thinking of so many thing… My stubbornness have not allowed me to be back in Tg Dahan just as yet. As hard as they can be to me and that's what they are getting… As much as they can be softer to me, as much of the kindness and passionate I would be in return…

Yeah, I was never cruel to anyone, but you have already challenging me to the utmost ultimate level that I cant stand it anymore… where I just have to be myself and think whats the best for me and my children and eventually they learn their lesson. And so do i……

A time will come where all will be laid out one by one… Like it or not everyone has to take it and swallow it… yes, thorn, poisonous, or be it sweet or gentle, ill leave it to the time when it comes…

Now, especially morning I was very moody… damned this feeling. PMS I should say besides after the blood sample taken last Friday I was always feeling dizzy and tired easily… Sign of old age I would say … J

I had an interesting chat with a new friend last weekwhich makes me connected to Andrew somehow… Should he left me because he wanted to, he wont be coming back lazily to my den asking and pacing. But I never hold any grudge on him because of him many things happen too. I only remember the essence of the sweet memories of a relationship. May you have done many things to hurt or indirectly without you wanting it. I still keep you fresh in my memory as one of my friend who need an attention. But let me remind you, with me you don't have to create lies to be connected to me. Life are such, be it good or bad we don't have to tell about what she does or not. To be connected as it is, was so easy actually. Its just a gut that you needed most!

Well not everyone will buy your story raw like some people saying. They are still worry, jealous and lots of bloody awful things was said but then for people who really knows who you are will always weigh it. But then again its individual… Andrew was not the only one lie, I do, they do, she does, he did but always for reason. If he thinks I need him to be tagged along in his life, no that's not something you need to worry about… I have my own time to appreciate between a relations and commitment…

How do you define love N was saying… Erk… touch, feel, expressing, showing, indulging but alas the point is one to give and take… but what if only one willing to give and the other was pulling. I learn my good lesson since..

I have no more regrets… I believe in what I believe before… If it is meant for me it will come back to me… It does and now is time to execute, and fight all the battle in life to reach the destination over the journey of life….

When we are given time to explore, trail every lil bit of it along with the bumps and humps, tho it is tiring but it will surely leading to a destination even it was not the end of the story… sometime love are not meant to be shared together in a marriage but carries along in life which is better I guess… THINKING about relations can be tiring. How about BUILDING relations? Never mind the bumps along the way, the result could be well worth it. As the confused Confucius said: It's not the destination; it's the journey. (cutting frm beej comments abt relations)

Desperate I am?? Not as some people does… I have got everything better than anyone does… for at least I still can breath and striving for tomorrow…

Have faith, for "yang haq pasti mengatasi yang bathil"…. If I was tricked and fall into the lying part it doesn't make me cant come back to a starting point where I begin and im glad I did not pulled together in the path shit of lies…

Baby, thank you for giving me a chance but hey you got a big role to prove me wrong babe…

Hope of Tomorrow

Penna: Lynna
Released: 260206 (12.15am
Mood: ???
Category: Reaching the star

The meeting was good and yes the regret looks in the eye are shown of why it only happens now and not during those days when the time is solely ours. I, as always has been reminding you that never look back of past which has been left, but to look out of today and tomorrow which is more promising if we let it be. Time will takes place and natures will take it own cause.

Now with that I have problems in managing my way of thinking. I’m thinking very much way ahead nowadays to weigh and measure the fun and the challenge, the sad and happiness that I might have. Good to have a power to control the emotions and the way of it being think rationally and theorically. But how long? My surroundings is teaching me to be careful and alert but my instinct is saying to take mother natures call and let god be your judge to lead. Do whatever I need to do. To be happy with it, I have to work on it, share it and make it happen. With a goal I’m sure it will be launch successfully and granted upon accordingly.

Strange, yeah I feel strange now. Deep in me being single, independent and lively striving for tomorrow positively make me feel so comfortable in my own den and zone. Would I take command, would I want to be held, would I compromise. Lastly would I love in return successfully? I would, but to have him in my arm and embrace with possibility of life together…. That’s the big question?

Dear ….

Aku mungkin mengambil waktu yang lama untuk menyesuaikan dan tabah asalkan kau sabar dan pasti. Sentuhan jiwa, cinta, keserasian, usaha, pesona dan yang paling penting mencapai tujuan biarpun adakala aku terlontar jauh kedasar emosi yang berbelah bagi. Untuk dia yang perlu aku fahami, untukmu yang perlu aku kasihi, untuk mereka sokongan padu dan pasti kerana aku tak mahu kecundang lagi. Jalinan mimpi dan realiti, jalinan sengsara dan gembira, jalinan bara dan dingin yang tak diingini harus disulam dalam alasan agar penghujung ditemukan.

Langkah kita masih jauh. Aku inginkan yang terbaik buat semua. Aku mahu kau dan diriku diterima dari segala segi, pandangan dan perhatian. Aku masih perlu banyak belajar memahami kehendak dan keinginanku sendiri. Aku yang masih dalam dilemma antara keinginan dan tuntutan masyarakat keatas individu sepertiku. Siapakah yang tak inginkan kebahagian, kasih sayang dan sokongan, aku tak terkecuali. Ya, tiada siapa yang dapat mengagak hari esok yang tidak pasti, tetapi yang pasti untukku adalah apa yang ingin kusampaikan buat mu dan aku, adalah untuk mencapai matlamat yang diinginkan. Izinkan aku mengalun melodi, inzinkan aku meraih mimpi, izinkan aku menghindar sepi, izinkan aku membakar diri… Demi panas yang akan membakar jiwa, demi salju yang membajai rohani aku ingin memanjat badai demi untuk satu destinasi… Aku ingin mengalun ombak agar rona pelangi dapat dinikmati, aku ingin setiap yang terjadi dinikmati atas alasan sendiri… Inilah suara hatiku, inilah bicara rinduku agar semua yang melihat memandangku dari segala sudut dan pekertimu..

Satu pintaku bersabarlah dengan segala rona warnaku yang bakal berubah setiap waktu. Biarkan ia mewarnai kehidupan aku, biarkan ia mencorakkan cerita hidupmu dan apabila kau sudah sedia menyulam mimpi, jadikan aku segaris pelangi. Bukan hanya untuk dirimu tetapi untuk semua yang berada dikeliling kita... Aku pencetus kesangsian dan aku juga pencetus mimpi indah, aku pencetus minda gelora dan aku pencetus keinginan rasa. Aku ingin kembali menjadi perempuan, isteri, ibu, kekasih dan kawan buatmu yang memerlukan dengan segala pemerhatian, pemahaman dan kesedian untuk mendengar…

Sabarmu menjadi sainganku, fahamanmu menjadi idolaku, caramu akan mengiringi rasa kagumku… Izinkan aku menyebarkan warnaku keseluruhan alam tanpa rasa sangsimu, tanpa rasa kesalmu, tanpa rasa ragumu… berikan aku sokongan moralmu dan rasa kasih yang tiada berbelah bagi.

Untukmu ruang ku buka semula untuk dirintis. Onak dan durinya, hitam atau kelabunya, putih atau kusamnya agar ia bercahaya semula… Untukmu aku harus membuka semula satu pintu yang kututup rapat untuk insan yang bernama lelaki… Untukmu kubuka ruang mencabar hatiku untuk mengakui bahawa kamu adalah insan yang mampu menundukkan egoku… Untukmu akanku cuba menerima bahawa masih ada yang sayang padaku dengan penuh rasa cinta, hormat dan kasih sayang…

Tidak semua rasa dapat diluahkan dengan kata-kata… kadangkala direalisasikan melalui sentuhan, renungan, permerhatian dan entah apa cara lagi… Pandanglah dan bacalah dengan mata hati, rohani dan jasmani. Mungkin aku kan silap dan kecundang lagi tetapi sekurang-kurangnya aku memberi peluang untuk kita membuka ruang untuk disakiti, dikhianati, dikasihi, diperlukan dan lain-lain lagi… Semuga allah merestui apa yang dirancangnya ini… Semuga DIA melorongkan yang terbaik untuk kita adanya… Semua ini mungkin adalah taqdirku yang bermimpi disiang hari… Amin….

People Comes People Goes

Category: Romance and Relationships

Penna: lynna

Released: 230206

Mood: Happy

People come and goes, life has to go on with our without someone with you...you lead your life. Be it beautiful, sad, dull or etc.. Its never difficult if you dont allow them to be.. It never breaks my desire to live nor to succeed i am the owner of my ownself... so everything is in my hand take charge of myself

Yeah we nagged, we complaint, just to let it out. At least it is not heavy in the chest. How do we get over it, its also depends on us.

Every problems face due was because of we allow them to happen. E.g Think about it for a moment when we know coca cola contains lots of sugar, soda and other chemicals that shouldn't be drinking always but because of the taste, because of the satisfaction felt after drinking we tend to ignore the consequences later. But if we think about it before we drink the pro and cons, I don't think we should face diabetic problems or heart attack or what ever that comes from the action taken by us earlier.

Why do we need to send our car for service every 5000km or every 3 months or which ever comes first. We look at the reasons why we did that right. Cant we do the same to ourself before we commit to anything?

People came back later. Something that I always assured others if they keep the essence of the relationship, be it friendship, love, affection or devotion. They did resurface one by one back seeping to my life. As I never put u all all once ago, u are always welcome back to nurture…

I'd always love you….

...think with your mind not emotion...

1.20am

Split on a Junction

Category: Blogging

Penna: Lynna
Released: 220206 (10.11)
Mood: Hesitate

Strange... i feel strange...
I wanted to open up but im scared
Will I be hurt again...Will I hurt em for not being fair for taking too long time to accept or to love. Theres two split personality in me who crave and pushing for any kind of relations institution

Fear that's the best word to describe how I feel now. My hearts are heavy now I have doubts. Should I, should I not or I just let god decide for me. Im tired of thinking my mouth said something my heart says differently.. contradicting yeah great, indeed I am I just want them to be happy without much care for me, myself and i. For how long I want to be feeling like this I feel like shit

Now I need help
Now I have all that I want, but . I have problems to admit tho ive said it I want to go and strive for it but the feeling for the other half and those close to me. Weird I am able to make one mind so peacefully by soothing them with my words by im not able to do it my own

Why
Damn this feeling. Weird, weird, weird
I just want to release some steam

I have guest at home and she is not as far away from me, she is still my half sister. But with her coming my family feel a distant. Instead of staying at moms place she prefer mine I feel bad for mom but I cant force people for not overnight at her place for sure I just hope I can be god solving things easily Perhaps my dad would feel it too but then how am I going to pleased everyone I know by being away from them that makes things worst but I need a space to do the best to help all and to make everyone at peaceGod help please..

Its haunting me indeed. What shall I do. I have left it once ago.
Marriage a question that I avoid to answer since im single being ignorance on that subject was easy.

Now I am asked nicely which was once forgotten I couldn't believe it myself but then still I know its going to come haunting me

Don't I want someone to look after me, care for me, love me in the first place.

Damned feelings

Its heavy again . The way he kissed my head, the way he gripped my hands, it is not the same. It's the whole new expression of him or was I still dreaming of fantasy land came real.

Tq for giving the second time to say "I love you". I was speechless I want to believe in that and not trusting it at all. Which one is it, believe it or not....god help me please!

I don't want to be dreaming again, I know whole truth about love is to let them love you and you loving them, but would I fairly be doing it.

Can I just receive without returning
Can I just take without loosing
Arghhhh what should I do

On another chapter it doesn't take me long to detect some personality with the effects with the connection with the right subject. Hey im glad I did it. Im smiling again on some achievement

I met few friends today before Im back to my den to my loving angels. I was enjoying the laugh. Yes I miss their company since I got hit by the laziness fever. I got haywire when I am infected but I need to do this before I surrender myself to the doctor hahhahhaha...Fear actually. Besides that talking about few summons that i had , once again i get love letter from jabatan polis trafik for parking on yellow line. GGGRrrrr

As usual the guy and the gals ask me to check my rights first for my medical benefits. Why am I so stupid all this while. I am being played by them but this time let me spin. Insyaallah for those fren who has been pestering and asking how am I, thank you

With your pray everything is going to be ok. My vows is to look around for opportunity I will open up the book again. Yes perhaps I have to admit, I was never serious, I mean putting 100f the efforts on looking I just pass and never follow up, with their busy schedule it was forgotten or sat on it

Bagi yang tak berpuashati lagi tu, warnailah dan jernihilah rohani dengan keredhaan, dari keredhaan datang nikmat kebahagian Biar bukan wang yang melayang tetapi keterbukaan dan penyerahan jiwa untuknya dan berserah atas segala yang terjadi untuknya adalah kunci kebahagian didunia

Untukmu ku berdoa agar tuhan membuka hatimu untuk menerima hidayah dan rahmatnya. Amin

Illusional or Dellusional

Current mood: Life & Options

Penna : Lynn
Released: 220206
Mood: Contented

The affection came again… I cant sleep now…

The weight on top of my body still felt, the hand waving the hair away from my face still soft, the salty tears that tickle on his chest still tasted good, the soft moans on my ears like a rhythm when the wave comes and go, and the voice whom not letting me go from his top still heard till today.

How much affection that he really left on me was still in my sweet lil memory although it was long ago and he is not here anymore.

He was still good as remembered last. His smile, still reserved but he knows how to cracked a joke nowadays. How I still wish… argh I am being delusional?

Why does he left that affection felt still. Was I thinking this of a same person….He came back and I was reminded by him…

Impossible…its impossible to let it through but at the same time…

Hahaha I really made that felt among my loyal readers. I should be a writer or novelist Sham said. I just followed my instinct, my emotions, my intuition. I make people laugh at me, I make people fond of me, I make people judge me, I make people envy me, I make people curious about me, last but not least I make people hated and cursed me.

I do what I feel like doing without even much care of what she/ he need to say. For those compliments, millions thanks to you, for those smirking and hatred of me, well the choice is always yours. Eat while you can chew, swallow those you can bite.

Now I have been researching something from women view. Why men need extra care, tender loving from outside. While many women said, I have done nothing wrong at home but infact they knew only they know what is the real cause. Most of them live in state of denial.

Quota of a women now are far more higher than men. Standard of living going high. Some women love to live in luxury life without being have to work on more to get what they want. I heard many, seen many and admit and agreed by many. KL has stated so many cases on those as low as from the higher institution students to those highly respectable family.

There are many reasons why they look for married man to be around. We know what is it all about. But we tend to ignore it. Why. Sometimes it is not about what they wanted to be, what they wanted to do, sometimes it is just fated. They may have been living in good family life but suddenly they are infected with love virus which they cant handle it alone. It takes two to tango. Yup that's right.

I take long time to understand this too. Three years doing my research, being talked with many single and married man, from the lowest class to the higher ranking, they have their own reason. They are proud of their life now but at the same time proud of the kind of excitement and attention given to them by this new comer in their life. Not to mention those whom they have left once ago and suddenly came back without being prompted.

Life circle are always unexpected and nothing that we can planned. Sure yes there is but its depend on what HE says at the end of the day.

Next chapter are going to be "why women let their man look around for substitute…."

Sayang

Sayang

Penna: Lynna
Released: 210206 (10.09am)
Mood: Quizzical

Sayang....

Itukah yang aku rindukan sejak dahulu...
Apakah itu yang aku mimpikan sedari dahulu...
Masa mengajar kita untuk menjadi dewasa...

Apakah kedewasaan mengajar kita erti kematangan...
Apakah kematangan dapat memperbetulkan keadaan...
Apakah keadaan tidak akan lagi meninggalkan kita...

Kehadiranmu umpama mimpi disiang hari...
Pada bila masa ia bakal akan pergi...
Pastikan dikau tidak lagi kan pergi...

Sayang....

Semalam umpama mimpi...
Hari ini pasti dilalui....
Esok kita ragui...

Apakah ini suatu yang pasti....

Curiousity

Penna: Lynna
Released: 200206
Mood: In between paradise and destiny

Dear …

You know that all those happens to us lately because of our curiosity that might kills the love and affection between us? Im not so sure how do you feel although I can hear from your voice the happiness and joy. I am, yes very happy indeed to have you call me and think of me and most of all agree to come and see me.

I longed to hear that you do miss me and yes I am indeed very surprised that you do said when we are together we did not have a chance to share what we eat, how to laugh, how to teased each other like we did now. And mostly that you even know how to expressed. Perhaps time has changed you or has made you a wiser man and most of all now you are a successful leader of your own kingdom.

I know you may say that this will be the end of it which I can understand why. As early in the morning I was shocked with a phone call by a woman from few number… it never takes me long to detect the problems.

You don’t know how much you have affected me when you return to my life. I wasn’t expecting anything at all. All I want to know that you are happy with current life and happy with the coincident phone call I made few months back. That doesn’t mean to spark what we have before although it does in my view.

No matter how bz are you in a day you are able to call me at least for a second just to check how am I. I know what are we facing, not too much on me but you. I know how are you acting when you are home. Your quietness, your deep thoughts will be visible upon her and that will make viciously impeccable for her to accept.

Why on earth im not sure, whenever I open up my mouth or heart for a relation, its affect them immediately? But I took a long time to realize that they actually do look forward to it. Tho it is visible to me but I refused to take it immediately. Why? Because I don’t want either to loose the essence of the relations each and every way. I don’t want it to affect them in their current life.

What had just happen to me last few months was one of the many cases that I have to deal with. I pull and push at the same time. They gain some and I have many but they aint gonna have it all. Surely when I started to give in im sure you are going to face a big problem…

You tell me what to do. Im not going to say it out… stay if you want to stay, go if you are willing to but never put aside your current life because im not able to do the same. I can fit you in anywhere without jeopardizing your life and mine absolutely. Trust what your heart have to say because at the end of the day I don’t want you to loose anything but me.

The way your hand gripped mine will always be the way to show how much you have for me. The way your stare catch me will always leave a deep remarks in my heart, when your lips brush my cheek to say goodnite and have a sweetest dream will always stays sweet forever. You are a person without much loudness but only action. When you look deep in me and when your smile cracks the lips, that is the secret lies between your thoughts and heart. None of us are able to say it out but yeah we communicate deep in thoughts. Psychic you said, who able to read one mind without having had to say anything. Sometime I thought its scary but I think about it again why only now you try to read me not those days when I … perhaps I was not really 100% into it…

Whatever I have for you will remain the same and will always nurture that. That’s my promise, you will remain as one of my sweetest person in my life if you decided to go again this time. I always pray for you that you will be always successful in life…

Me your fairytale story…

Affection

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Penna: Lynna
Released: 190206 (1250am)
Mood: Cheerio

After 15 years more or less Ive got him on the line. I whoosh off all the pride aside just to be able to exchange news with him. It is great to be able to communicate again after so long.

Why didn’t I did that long ago? Restricted to my status … it makes both of us happy to be connected again. I don’t know for how long but im enjoying it now even if not for long. Im hoping I will still be friend forever. The smile that I cracked, the laughter that I hear was beautiful than I thought.

He was never into talking last time. He is always into thoughts and most of the time we were surrounded by his friend and mine. We were never able to talk to each other at all. The only thing I remember our time to be alone was a movie in REX one afternoon. I cant remember the title but yeah I was wearing white shirt and cream skirt.

He said I gave him a ring on his birthday… was it me or was it another girlfriend? He said I ignored him and not wanting him… was it me or was it him? I don’t know.. we are not able to express our feelings, our thoughts and most of all do we at all love each other?

This thoughts make me smile. He was still good looking as I know him before. The only things change is, he is now able to talk, able to cracked my laughter, he is able to say and express. Im not sure how many times did he say thank you, and every time he said that im going to charge him to buy me chocolates or flower… and if he were to say that again im gonna ask him to buy me a diamond ring I said… he laugh… he said I bought him once, although not as expensive but was that a proposal ring? I cant stand it and I laugh..

I cant even remember. All I know I gave few person a ring… Why? I don’t know… I cant recall and that few was him and Azwan…

May be the rest had never affect me and never leave that kind of thought that he does… I keep on remembering his smile, his look and I ask myself why was I never serious in relations once upon a time when I was teenager and especially with him…

I never do till now… I never trust that I guess… love only came to me when I want to make it happen … the love with my ex hb came after I marry him with a vow to make each other happy and to share the essence of love…

I tried after all, very hard and I do make him really love me… but do I really love him in the first place… Im not sure of the meaning… im still at lost…

What I am going to do now is just share the moments of happiness in my life and perhaps his life… Exchange stories and jokes once a while, call should I be free and received his call once a while too. I keep reminding him for not calling me when he is home, go home early to be with his family and always respect the other half.

I hear joy in his voice, happiness, and the expression of me wanting to talk to him again was overwhelmed I guess. He called almost everyday.. that worried me too… I looked forward to his call and he will find time to call me daily…

Please don’t let me fall for him again once more… what happen if it really does? I don’t know how to answer and handle this… Mr Poker will tell me cari penyakit again…

Nobody expect things that happens today… although we can refused it but then I don’t know really… im not sure why we are parted before… was it me or was it him… We just had a silent move on… When he mentioned that it was still early to talk about relations and he is still young that makes me take my heart away and pulled out slowly and expect him to call me and ask me to come back but he eventually did not…

And I never make an effort to call him too… I goes out with his friend which he knew that the other friend has been meaning to take me out long since I was with him… The friends around us always know if we were to go out together and they will be there around us too.

The moment of having them was the sweetest moment in my life… The whole attention was mine solely… They were very concern about me, caring and its sad that I have to make my own way after that without knowing the real reason… After all we were very young…

Now after 15 years, the essence of friendship, was it? Or what shall I write or say here… In his fourty, he is still the same ole boyfriend that I know whom has affected me with his gesture, personality and quietness.

The hands that holding mine, the lips that kissed my cheek was it still the same? The person who send me home and make sure im fine, was it still him? Am I in love again with an impossible moment and time… Only gods knows ….

You know how I yearn to touch you again, yearn to look into your eyes and find the moment of truth. Yes, I want to be in your warm embrace again, to feel your hand behind my back caressing me, to whisper that you care for me and love me… Will I see you again?? Should that be happening to me again…

Would I not be rational? Would I just take the opportunity? Would I just take the natures call? Why does he reach for me again after so long? Why when I thought of him, a few hours later I’ll hear his voice on the other end asking how am I? Would this impossible relations kills my curiousity? Would this impossible relations make me wanting him back just like old days with new vows??

Help me to answer this Naz… I just want some answer if it is not for all… I never said this before but im gonna say this now, I do miss you, your smile, your smell and your gesture…but at the very wrong moment.

Freedom of Speech, Blogging and Living

Penna : Farmie
Released: 150206
Mood: Blurrrrrrrr

Its really strange how I feel now. Having to read few fellow bloggers makes me feels excited, upheaval, wonderful, sad etc. It was a mixture of feelings. Me and my 1001 emotions and colours.

What really amused me is the Datins diary blogs. The colours of her, the way of her life, the kind of hearts shes having…. 3 different sets is enough for me to sum up how is she, what is she and how adorable she is in my eyes. No matter how she gets that Datin title, at the end of the day she is still a human who craved for love who in return love the man she marries.

Judge and to be judge was also part of her life like we do. That reminds me of Ariff who was vigorously talking to me of his spying notion. About a girlfriend he is eyeing and about my other friend surviving.

There was a lot of things in the diary which really amused me. Part of it was this piece when she talk about men generally:

“Although that’s not to say they wont stray or treat you less than nice, be chauvinistics or anything else unpleasant. But then again, men come in all shapes and sizes, even in the niches. There are men who are good and kind and true, and those who philander, abuse and cheat. There are also the in-betweens. Datuk or no, Tunku or common man, they all come with the same chromosomes. The only difference is what kind of shoes you can afford when you pool your joint resources together.

So ladies she said: unless you’re into gadgets, choose carefully. My advice, try him out for size. He needs to be big enough so you can both take cover under his coat when it rains. Small enough for you to wrap your arms almost around. Strong enough to restrain you from leaving too easily. Gentle enough to know when to leave you alone. And man enough to know when to give you his hand.”

She was smart, wise and I bet she must be beautiful at heart. For whoever she is, she is still a woman that yes I should say this, I do adore all the woman in the world be it my frenz, foes, family and siblings or kids, yes everyone! For they are special creature that was created by god.

Another series of talking to my dear gf when she pm me about tonning me down on how I shout nowadays. Since I know her, I know theres something that she wants to say out to me. But I let the nature takes it calls till today where she was referring to my last blog written. Was I am what I wear or what I wear inside is the shade of being me. English woman who is dainty and snobbish would fit my personality she said. I was really smiling when she talks about it. So I really makes her speaks when the topic was right. Thank you fren. I like your honesty which outshine through your words. Perhaps I should think of what you said. Really, honestly that would give me big time change. Insyaallah, god willing and yeah your pray is one of the blessing my friend.

I was once in the same wardrobe you mentioning, I don’t want to be judge nor judging. I just want to be who I am now. I will find ease of being the real me. I wont be wearing what I’m wearing now for way too long anyway. Im testing some cards that I have. As soon as I discovered my colour pallete, I’ll changed again. Im breathing the fresh air that offered to me. Yeah, while im saying it out loud there some reserved values yet to be portray…

Good nite my dear blogs… as I find you are my real friend who derive me from being tight lips to someone who can just talk about anything in life…

Plans, Goals and Hope-2006

Penna: Farmie
Released: 14^th February 06 (my sis bday!!)
Mood : Colourful

Today’s quote:

Don’t think I wont turn around and bite you head off just because I’m nice… and don’t mistake my niceness for stupidity.. J

Love letter awaits me as I arrive in the office last Wednesday. Penalizing on something that was not done by me and leads to many things. It happens every year when she needs to pay out for bonus and increment. The hell im going to take it easy this year. You want to eat me up? Wait till I bite your ass.

Mind is tested and jeorpadising my emotions. While best friend is facing the same facet of scenario I once went through few years back, the most I can do was just be there to listen. I’ve said enough, I don’t want to be blamed for another time. She may throw me out of her life for giving a view but at the end of the day the decision was hers fully. To listen or not, it was not my goddam problem.

The example was there for everyone to see, to learn and just to get the best out of it. Bidding my last word to her before Maghrib after a series of yelling on my ears.

I still can hear it till now…”stop nagging and stop telling me what to do”. “Well then just stay there even if you’re beaten to death. If you can’t live without him then just listen to him”. And so I was quite since then. I’ve told you a year ago. I’ve asked your guts whether would you have a patience to be seconder. I’ve asked you whether would you be ok to accept him only when he is there with you and when he is with her would you focused your mind to be only to you and your kids. Failed!! You failed!! But again it was your choice, when you yell at me, when you throw me out as friend, I just smile and walked away. Eventually I said you will realize and come back. If it is not to say sorry but for the essence of the friendship. Finally, yes you did and you admit it. Well I never speak for you, I speak for myself. By putting myself in your shoe and feel what I should be in when I was there and then makes me said what I’ve said. Best example when I give the advice of the courage to be a second hand. And when another friend of mine said it was over, I just shrugged my shoulder off. Told her too and well she took the challenge. Patience and respect plays a good role in life to be in a good relationship.

Now back to my love letter. I was called by her to voice out what’s my next plan in achieving my goals and keeping the company at the same wavelength of mine. Enclosing myself to me when I sat down telling her about progress of work and my plans and goals.

I was in a mess, but nothing jeorpadising my work to be specific. She is running away from paying. That I noted from year to year. I called Ida from Jabatan Tenaga Rakyat for advice. Sat down with her to hear her on what should I do next. To my relieve that I was actually backup by labour law. The only thing now is whether I should do it. Yes, with my health condition and benefit for hospitalization was not set accordingly. My appointment with my doctor is soon to be finalize should I do it in Melaka or KL.

Was money my problem? No, its more on my children. Should I be bedded for few days, who is going to look for them. Although I have found someone to look after them but would I be ok when I’m away from them that long.

I need to learn to be away from their smells, their nottiness, the yellings, the biting session and all the good time around them. One day they will go away, to further study, to be on their own, to be with their love ones.

Its hurting to see how the people in the office work, where they put aside the family values just to be encapsulate with their work. Neglecting the feelings of the kids and those closed to them. How the passion of work embrace them within the office itself not noting the time they should be resting and to be with their family. No, I cant be like them. I was once neglected, I was once have ceilings, walls and floor as my talking mate. I won’t let my kids go through the same scenario.

I know how hard parents are to make sure we have everything in life. From there I learn how to set aside the 24 hours for each and everyone. Learning process will never fade from individual who is willing to learn.

Now I’m setting my mind to be firm with my workplace. I’m not going to say yes while I have to say no. No more giving in while I shouldn’t. I should change myself and shouldn’t change others. Never expect anything in life but strive for what I want. God will, it will come, insyallah. Now I know why I’m being betrayed, because I allow them too. How? Too kind to be cruel? Or was it the vows that I make. No, be nice all the time, payback time is not in my hand. Eventually it will come, if it is not from me, surely good is for it kindness, pain for cruelty. He knows better than me.

“Live Goes On says Lee Ann Rimes”

Something to Think and Ponder

Penna: Farmie

Released: 150206
Mood: Curious

I’m not sure why I’m pondering around in this topic so much… was it because of what happenings around me, or I soon to be or I want to be… I find it so significant to daily lives in KL. No body can run away from being a second wife nowadays??

Looking at my status and lifestyle being the only wife does not amuse me. To be there for him all the time, waiting for him to comeback all the time is not in my head anymore. I have angels to be with while he is not around. Best for me i guess now is for him to be back only as and when he likes it, to love and be loved, to nurture and care vice versa and most of all for me to respect him as my leader, husband and also a man in my life... I dont want more than that. Money that can feed him, me and angels and perhaps another saint or angel of his n mine... Yes ... another seeking solace moment required for me to be with my creator again

Petikan Datin’s Blog:

In KL, it appears that the all-important first marriage (which everyone pretends will be the only one) has to be thought through carefully, with consideration given to all factors except one - whether the two people getting married actually love each other. "Oh, they'll learn. Budak lagi, mana dia orang tau? Love doesn't last anyway."

Don't snicker. It's true. People say these things.

Three years later, one of two things happen. Either wife from influential family leaves, or they continue with the marriage, each probably having their own, individual love interests.

In the first case, often times the wife joins the burgeoning upper-middle class cache of career-minded women who are hunting for recycled richer men in KL's hot spots. Just as an aside, things happen in reverse one rung down the social ladder. For the middle and upper middle class, the first marriage is all about starry-eyed love. The second, is the more calculated, economically-inclined variety.

Anyway, so wife joins these women in the hunt for something good. Only between her and her new friends, they are probably looking out for each other's husbands. The rich girl wants someone to love, and the not-so-rich girl wants someone to love her. Faham?

Meanwhile, back at the newly-acquired bachelor pad, the husband of rich wife goes on a born again single spree, accosted by and endless stream of twenty-something year olds who will eventually cost him lots of money. Odds are pretty high he ends up either marrying one of those or someone-just-as-respectable-as first-wife, which causes the whole rigmarole to begin again.

In scenario number two of first marriages, the husband has multiple affairs or a mistress, while wife, if she doesn't do the same, throws herself into the world of salsa, jual kain batik, some high-browed Amway style sell and tell network that peddles caviar facial creams, or God.

Comment from anonymous whos father who had few wives:

alah semua ni memang betul.. Even if you say it to our children or not.. I know my father is one of these men you're talking about and my mum has to suffer.

But after 3 wives, my father refuses to divorce my mum and keeps torchuring her and in turn they torture us..

Some Malay men are really good for nothing Muslims. How do they expect their sons to be good husbands when they treat their wives like shit.

First wives often have to stick with these "poor" men to climb up the steep ladder of life in the beginning, kalau tidak derhaka. But when the husband has reached the top of the ladder, he goes and looks for another lady to satisfy his needs sebab the first wife, dia dah boring dengar all her advise which he calls nagging by now.

I wish these men who are successful will put themselves into the 1st wife's shoes before reacting. After all in the Muslim religion, the husband is suppose to "didik" the wife..

In other anon thoughts:

At 9:55 AM, Anonymous said…

It is very enjoyable reading your blog. It is so down to earth and what you have written shows your experience in life where money cannot buy.

At 10:41 PM, swan said…

It is sooo true, rich girl wants someone to love while the not so poor girl wants someone to love HER!!!...

marriage is nothing more than having someone to 'witness' your existent.

But I am marrying my husband simply because I am soo in love with him and the comfort that he provides. His whole assets is a bonus

my late mother always said, 'look after yourself and live like a queen, after all the queen could never live like you'

At 8:17 AM, Anonymous said…

I agree with Anonymous 8.00 pm...initially, your blog entries were insightful thoughts (with some depth) and an interesting peek into your Datin life.

Lately, all you've been writing is drivel which has now spiralled into shallow, stereotyped, thoughtless, self-glorifying crap that I wonder whether you wrote the earlier posts yourself.

Unlike others, I find the "oh, you're scaring me" posts refreshing (or anything else than the gushing, simpering adorations you are feeding on day to day). I hope that the Samy Vellu's gang make a return soon to inject some reality into your self-created hallucinations.

Carrie Bradshaw you're not! And that self-pitying stance is SO stale.

I am for what I am

Penna : Lyna

Released: 120206
Mood: Defensive (:-)))

A friend said i was actually taking advantage on people. Well i always ask myself fm time to time whether i am like what they say. For now it does not really matters anymore. Ill just do what i have to do. The rest of it let them talk, think or judge as for whatever they feel. "I was defensive" i was told too hahhahaha. Again sometime it takes me to think of how or what people see in others. I care less now, im back to work, im back to focus and im back in track of galivanting my life as i once did. Sharing every bit of it fairly with my family, friends, kids and sibling accordingly.Well now i will be defensive of what i said, i do and i will take charge of all actions. Insyaallah if i cant excell in my career this year, im looking forward for next steps which ive put aside long ago. Its time to catch up with friends again. Few sets of friends which are good in each sets of industry, level, and that always willing to share and participate.

Peeping or Lurking

Lynna
090206/ 11.19am
Quizicall

Suddenly it pops up my mind when i think about last night gatherings..

what would you do if his eyes keep on looking at you when you are not looking...

Q1. Was he peeping or taking a glance look at you?

OR

Q2 Was he lurking? His eyes lazying browsing you and quickly look at others when you look at him back?

What can you tell from there??? I just need opinion

Meaningless or Sacrifice

Penna: Farmie

Released: 050206 (12.27am)

Mood: Crazy

It is strange how a woman could strive for her happiness where she can denies her feeling just to keep the husband and family in order. How she can be in meaningless marriage just to sacrifice her own emotions to make sure the kids have father figure in their life.

Could that be wrong and difficult for a man to understand why she is still there for him and the kids after all the hard work and the struggles over the bumpiness along the journey of marriage? Where do they throw all the feelings, emotions, rational, values and sacrifices? Is that as easy as closing the eyes and the next morning there’s sun shining overhead?

How easy can one man say the words of letting his woman go in a split second? How easy can one man go through all the hard times over the first few years of marriage trying to make end meets?

There’s a lot of strong woman out there who can live in the hard way, the difficulties and be patience till slowly the pace became even. Many women nowadays refuse to remarry in due course knowing the needs of a man. How can one man accept other mans children openly without even thinking of what his new bride gone through together before.

Only those has gone through it would know and understand. Being a friend to my girl friend and seeing her sadness her of all that said and happen in front of me, I feel the contentment of being with my kids are for more better to try out for second marriage. How humiliated she could be when he asked her to dump her kids out of the house, while he shared all the things she paid all for herself. He just have to rub off his feet and come in to the house without paying anything and share all the joy and happiness. But refuse to share her troubles. What kind of male or species he is?

Can’t he think of that before he marry her? She was promised a moon and a star before she said yes to him but in the end she feel so downgraded, humiliated and most of all treated without any respect at all.

Respect plays a good role in one life. How did you gain respect? I believe respect is gain by respecting yourself in the first place. If you can’t respect yourself how can anyone respect you?

Yeah I’ve done a mistake in my life and that has really make me see and open my eyes to what had happen to me.

Trust? How do you gain a trust? Can it come to you easily if you don’t trust yourself? What happen if you trust yourself and you still can’t gain it from others? It doesn’t matter… To me if you believe in you what others can offer does not matter anymore. Strive for what you can win or what you can achieve, insyaallah god will hear you.

Again I’m thankful to all the confidante who had given me opportunity to learn and give me the courage to move on and motivate me to be the person who understood who I am today. I know what I want, I know what I believe and I know what I’m expecting tomorrow.

A fren of mine call me today to ask about my relations with a girlfriend. I told him we are ok so long she takes me as friend accordingly. It is all up to one individual to take me, respect me and understand me. I don’t impose enforcement, I don’t impose condition and I believe if I take you as what you are, you are what you are. You wouldn’t be what you are as what I want. That is wrong conception of a friendship.

Friendship should not be based on what you lay out. Friendship should be based on trust and honesty. If you can’t be honest ant trust what you can give to her/ him then it is not friendship.

If you come to her/ him for a reason then it will not work because, love/ relationship/ friendship comes unconditionally.

God send us to this world without any condition. He lay out the rules, we as his follower read his law and should practice it because he has reason why he is having such rules. Why woman must abide her husband beside him? So that woman just don’t go to anything/ anywhere to make them as their leader or the important person.

Why such things happen accordingly in life? Look back deep in you. Bring your thoughts or mind to tackle the problem. Should it happen if you don’t do this and practice that, should you do that and don’t practice this would this problem arise? Look at one problem in depth. Find the root. God has its way of managing things in this world. We are given the precious thing while the animal don’t. So with that brain we are suppose to use in, practice it, rationalize it and be smarter as human being. Because he has granted us more than one thing that animal shouldn’t have. That’s the only thing makes us human different from them.

But nowadays human tends to be similar like animal. Why? When has it gone wrong? What has it takes to be like them? We refuse to think more but take the shortcut and do the final way. Was it worth. Ask this question before you do it. Good nite folks, think, reflect and be objective…

Contempelative moods…2.17am