Changes

Category: Blogging

Released: 190906
Mood: Alert

It has to be constant change or other wise you won't be changing at all. Courage is what I dont have now. Ask me to do the toughest job, insyaallah I'll find a mechanism to work it out, ask me to fix things in the house insyaallah I'll find a right tools to fix it, ask me to jump from one place to another insyaallah I will find ways to be there, ask me anything but not a marriage proposal.

"What's wrong with you"
"I dont know..."
"He is certain....
"But im not..."
"What else do you want?"
"I dont know"
"What else he dont have?"
"He got it everything..."
"Then what is not right then?"
"Me..... I cant convince myself I will make him happy as he think I would, although I think he would make me happy, he prove me before, he prove me now and still trying to convinced me tomorrow. Do you think he ever give up"
"Im not sure Na...its depending on what you want"

Was I needing a partner badly? Was I so lonely? Was I bad financially? Was I not having company as in family or kids? Was I not supported enough by friends? Was I not having enough love around me be it from girlfriends, siblings, boyfriends, relatives and etc? Was I stingy to pour my love to anyone? Was I not doing what I wanted to do?

He understand it all of what I have left, what I'm pacing around now and what I am looking forward next. He knows it all because he has been there hearing me punching or pouring the words and he was there to nurture and cherish all the pain that I pour for him to listen, for him to lend his shoulder to lean.

Day by day I was leaning closer, mingling around like a kitten getting his full attention and love. He is pouring it unconditionally without saying anything more nor less. He know I dont like to be pushed, nor being posses, he knows I will turn to him as and when I need him and will say no when he cant.

Thats what has started as friends and slowly changed as close for the emotional feel to bond us together. I was split into two in between friends and turning it into a lover but HOW?

Those comfortable zone I created for him was actually reversed now. Just like what I wanted. Would I let it ruined just because Im confused?

"I leave it to you to decide dear.... I dont know how else I can prove you... You stop me from seeing your parents, you stop me from sending my people to your house...Think.... Take your time..."
"How long can you wait?"
"I hope not long"
"Why?" still testing him to the max which I know the answer within
... He keep quiet, turning his face away hiding his feelings. I know I hurt him but to convince me of tomorrow that I wasnt sure, is really hard. He knows many is coming to the way waiting for my opening at anytime it strikes my mood to say yes. He knows that my moods and colours always varies at times but he knows if Im treated right the bright colours was never failed to capture peoples mind and attention. With that I reserve the possibility of them to come in nearer, closer.

There is few in mind which I have already make my thinking of opening, or just tickling or rather make em feel more comfortable but not looking for possibility of being a lover. *sigh* Difficult indeed because once im in it I wont be able to turn back but to accept.

And with that I remember the chat with an Australian guy last week of my believe in our faith and god. He was so certain that god is within us only if we really know how to find the real us and accepting HIM in the daily life and believe of what happen to ourself are actually derive by what we do.

I know the answer is already there it is just the time for my opening to embark the new life. Life is a game and the ten rules applies. And if Love is a game too then the adventure is within us who is willing to accept the challenge to go through it.

I will have to consider many quest and options which may come within sooner or later.


Insyaallah....
7.35pm