SINGLE

Kinchan was expressing himself to me while he send me home just now. Tough, hard, happy, adventurous, bubbly is not a ticket for a person to avoid a crisis in life. Everyone has their own problem. Personality crisis is what he call it but then he act like he doesn’t have anything to worry.

The most I can do is observe and listen. Kinchan is one hard person to breakthrough if I tell him what I think. He may denies it while actually the fact he is having problem. I often hear from his mouth he is lonely nowadays. Tho he has family, friends, collegue and etc. He is single, with career, staying with parents, have friend to lepak with, jovial by nature, with characteristic and brains. But the age of 29 he aint have anyone to be his company that can be called as lover.

I was thinking why he should worry about it. He claimed he has few sets of friends. But he choose more to hang out with us may be because of comfortability. He has to look at things in wider perspective. To be with more people, different class, income level, industry and etc.

I think its true when I come to think of what he said. He has everything but when he reached home he only saw the familiar face he was with 29 years ago. He has no one to tickle him emotionally, amused his feelings sometimes, say nice things to him in terms of caring and loving him as a lover.

Im going to touch about gender wise here. And hey no heart feeling yea!!! Every man success there is a woman behind it and every woman success not necessarily with a man backup. Woman on a shelf nowadays are many than those days like 10-20 years ago. They are strong wit with career and focused. Some of them agree that they are lonely although material wise, support and friendship are everywhere but emotionally they are far left behind. But they are strong, very strong in handling situation as well as managing their feeling. Loneliness can be diverted to so many things.

But man can’t be like them. They (man) are hard on the surface but very fragile and vulnerable inside. They wanted to be pampered and loved all the time. If theres a woman who can give them attention, caring, loving them they will excel more in life and feel motivated to go further to reach a successful life.

The best time for a man to get married is around thirty’ish’. This is the mature age of a leader to lead a family, woman and also life. They have gone through teens time, adults and in a process to be someone to be a “khalifah/ leader” in his own ship of life. He knows what the good and bad for himself and his family. He can think rationally and emotionally affected by his love ones.

So what I can tell kinchan is, do not feel that bad about being alone and single. Allah answers prayers in 3 ways… HE says YES & GIVES u what u WANT, HE says NO & GIVES u something BETTER, HE says WAIT & GIVES u the BEST in HIS own time. So dear Kinchan, god is testing how can u manage your loneliness and divert it to something else. One thing I can notice and better as you, yourself is you did not just take anyone that comes by, you did not fall just for anything even you are desperate and you know clearly what you want in term of the girl you need as for your company. So why worry. Everyone loves to be around you. Why don’t once a while change your venue of lepaking to somewhere better. Of course its gonna cost you in the beginning but it pays you later in term of having more varieties and type that you can choose from. So tepuk dada tanyalah nafsu. Kalau takut terkena badai jangan berumah diatas bukit kalau belum sampai seruan relax-relax la sikit. Pantun la pulak. Sorong papan tarik papan, buah cempedak dalam perahu, suruh makan dia makan, suruh dating dia tak mahu. HAHAHAHAHAHHA sorry la kinchan, im not good in creating humor like you but im learning.

God answer my prayers in all 2 ways already, now im waiting for the third one should I be given a chance to get my prayers. Otherwise, ill just be happy to see my children’s excel in school and then perhaps be someone who love their mother unconditionally. Im so content of what I have now. I have friends, around me. Be it girlfriend, boyfriend, old or young. I have people still admiring me, be it single or married. I have the appeal still to make them look at me twice but what I want is just to always be thankful for what I have today and yesterday. Nobody knows what is for tomorrow, next week, next month nor 5 years from now.

Just be patience and enjoy what you have in your hands now. Very best of luck in your search. Oh ya lupa!!! Encik ARip, HAPPY 27^TH BIRTHDAY, young and good looking individu, being single is not that bad right? Mandorm, mandorm gak bila time gila datang layan je gile tu.

Date released: 28^th October 05
Currently listening to: Siaran langsung terawikh from Mekkah
Mood: Content

FeAr FaCtor ONe

Adoiiiii .... thats the first things come out from my mouth when the needle goes into my skin to create a hole. Then he was putting it in and screw it to make it fall in place. The pain was felt since the minute i decided to get it pierced. The burning sensation of the skin was not just on the skin but also felt in my stomach and lingered in between my chest. The minute i step out from the office going to the shop till i was seated and showed to the goodies and instrument needed in the experiment.

The tingling pain is still there even after half and hour past. Or is it may be because i think of it all the time. No it was not that but the pain than send the feel in between my chest.

Warrggghhhh... gggrrr. Now i cant do things fast. If i need to wipe, i do it slowly, passionately. Im going to be like kinchan menyesal after doing it??? gehehhehehehe No i hope. And i hope it could be less than a week pain??

Date release: 27 Oct 05
Mood: Happy and Pain

But now i still feel the pain. But you know now i look ok with extra diamond on my nose. hehehheheh nice but sakitnya mak aiiiii. Kalau ku tau tak ku hingin mempierce my lovely nose. Terbang RM40.

Sacrifice

I read few blogs today. One blog about how a man sacrifice a lot being a foster children to a family who is doing well in life and having 2 wives. He was married and and have few kids. His family members and the village people doesn’t like him because he was an illegitimate son to his father according to them in the later years. He married a second time and he was accused to have had sex first before the wedding and having illegitimate child due to that scene. That’s why he has to marry her while he has already a wife and kids. When the father died he left an asset and a share for him. But the greediness in the family member whom doesn’t like him has taken all that is belongs to him because he was said as an unwanted child.

Tho his mother don’t like him but he is still a good son who take care of her and the siblings. Not long after his father died and after marrying a second wife, the first wife seek for a divorce. And soon after that the second wife ask for the same. She leaved the unwanted kid with him. He left the village with the kids and started a new life and business. It was difficult for him at first but he manages to struggle and survive. At the same time taking care of his responsibilities to his children with the first wife and looking after his son with the second wife. Eventually he managed and become successful. The family members always seek for his help tho they hated him and he is willingly helping them despite the way he was treated. When his mother wanted to go to Mecca he always longed to visit her and waited for her call for him to go just to kiss her hand. He waited and waited. And the son keep on telling him that he should go and see her. Till the day she left, he was not call upon even to send her to the airport even he was there. His son understand his feeling over the situation and tried to console him and have heart to heart talk after that.

He was very sad about the situation and fell sick and died not long after that. His son was very sad and felt for the grief over the incidence after incidence all his life. He was then distribute all the asset to his brothers and sister and left the village for good. For he feel if he were to stay and feel what his father fell when he keep the promise to look after the families pride and dignity.

He was an illegitimate child of his father with the second wife and the son with his second wife was actually his brother. His second wife ask for divorce and left him after his father died because she was ashamed to marrying him due to the sinful act of his father and she was never treated as a wife while marrying him. He carried all the shameful act of his father in his life and protect it till the day he died.

Lesson I could take out was he was a very patience man where he throw his ego for the sake of holding a name and dignity of his father. He was cursed, he was hurt mentally since he was young till the day he left to meet his creator.

I love this piece. He was humiliated, abused mentally but he put off his ego just to make people look good at his father. THo he cried all his life but he makes other people life happy with whatever he can do for people.

A girlfriend call me for a confrontation. At first she was beating around the bush and later she said lets be honest and tell me about certain things. I tell her what I know and the same thing I told her when I was advising another friend too.

What I know was manipulator always know when to use, when to manipulate and when to let go without feeling guilty. Now slowly I know what does it mean by the boomerang thingy. Well in life truth and honesty will prevail.

I was hunting after him I was told and I had a feeling for him. First when I know nothing about the second woman, yes I do fall for the character and principle. But then once I know about being tied to a relation. I cut myself clear, no im not into another relationship. Not with the fucked up Bermuda triangle. I was in the mess and surely I would not wish to be in another mess.

Confrontation was the best thing to do. Like I was asked this evening after buka puasa with Kinchan. Why do I paste blog to myspace and blogspot. I was greedy for attention, or I was reluctant to leave the group that I know. Would I be sad if im not in the circle anymore. Frankly the circle in that was so corrupted and messy than the reality of life I have. Colleagues that always ask should I need anything for help, best friends who is always throwing empathy without being asked, a friend who is always concern what kind of advice I should be needing in terms of safety, and etc.

I was never left out alone actually. When I was home I know what I want to do today. Beside cooking, reading and sewing, my passion to write was always a priority before I go to bed. I get a self satisfaction releasing my feeling, tense over work, temper over certain issues and laugh about what happen today by blogging. Read pie’s blog and junction which has come to and end. I had nothing to do personally to anyone and don’t wish to be associated anymore except those who are connected to me. I know it wont stop, once they are in the mess they will try to pull those who known them before to be in that circle.

Dare to ask me and don’t be shock of what you’re getting. But I always choose silence mode till provocation take place.

Till then im gonna be happy for hari raya because ive almost settled everything on my childrens part. Im going to ask kinchan and amat to accompany me to and orphanage house during hariraya and give them something that we can share amongst us. Its either im going to be in KL or Melaka that is still a question.

Date released: 27th (300am)
Mood: Ok

MAINTENANCE

Time now is fifteen past two in the morning. Im having a good time in the office where I manage to clear some rubbish and manage to do some filings in a proper way. But still I need a space to put all those hardcover file into a cabinet or proper room where its easy to find when needed. It was raining since 2 pm in the afternoon. Boss is out till then and when she came back I start to pace around the time to complete the task for today’s group. Today it was about zero light or zero sugar carbonated drinks from a famous soft drink company.

Im feeling giddy by 5pm daily starting from last week. I know it’s a sign of low blood and sugar and also lack of sleep. Sleepiness came only during daytime and when I hit the sack at night I have to fight a battle of making my mind to stop working and also thinking. I had nice meal today and till now im feeling full and I had nasi lemak just now in ampang point.

We were talking about accidents and car maintenance and also advance course on the road. I was just listening and asking on some terms and things that I don’t understand. Now I know how shallow is my mind in terms of car maintenance and spare parts. But then again to take care and to get the best of the spare parts I have to juggle with my priority over my daily budget. I wouldn’t want to sacrifice any for myself if it is already allocated for the angels.

But on the other hand safety is another important factor that need to be consider. Off handedly I would love to have that tip top and would have a wonderful feeling to have the care maintain accordingly. Insyaallah the day and time will come. Im having heavy head now thinking whether I should be back to the legendary town for visiting. If mom is going to be with my sis in law in Kelantan, my mission is to be out of town or perhaps entertaining friends over at my house. That would be nice. Now I have to plan for the menu, so that I would have those ready before I approve my maids leave.

Guess my pillow is waiting for me and a book has gotten my attention the minute I scroll at my bookshelf. Adioss

Date released: 26^th Oct 05 (2.31am)
Mood: Happy

TRUE FRIENDS

I realize some friends gone and vanished. Some with permission and some just ran away like coward. Those true and real friend do accept an advice even not to their advantage and some even get a slap on the face for the facts when it is wrong.

Well I was feeling the same when I talk abt my problem and they are not favouring me. I felt like they are not supporting me at first but then later when I do the thinking and get the real meaning why did they said that, im glad I listen, I think and reflect.

So now I know, who are my real friends is. They are not shy or scared to give me their opinion. And they don’t care whether I listen or not but at the end of the day I do the thinking accordingly to realize what I should be considering.

Im glad I gave them a chance to prove to me that they are a friends where can talk craps and also a friend who can really open up eyes and minds.

They are not selfish, hypocrite which just listen to me just to be beside me. The value of friendship will surely treasured along the way. And it does not stop in the middle. Perhaps that’s why my instinct only choose certain people to be my trusted friends. Thank god he is showing the path. And today I can see people still can runaway from telling the truth. Well im not going to be in the same path like I have before. If possible I don’t want to.

Time to hit the sack now. I just want to be myself. Be neutral. Should one day someone ask to give my opinion about certain things which is difficult situation, im ready to tell the truth and take the consequences of being bitten at the back.

Date released: 251005 – 2.05am
Mood: Pensive

CRAPPY

Perhaps I should listen and be nice. Perhaps I should try to be someone with split personality in order to capture everything. But actually I feel better to be who I am today.

I had good talk with widi where some sense of patience being put in accepting my situation with the family now. Lead life like normal and only entertain those near and close to you. I still have my patience, my sense of sympathy and empathy. Time being I can only use my sympathy.

I read beej blog today about “post or not to post”. Only then I realize ive not read those and commented on his. Chat with Jeff today and given his number to be contacted. I add him as a new friend and networking.

Later I met kinchan, arif and puteri for teh tarik and cokodok ikan bilis. Taste good while raining and there we goes entertaining ourselves on almost every chapter. Puteri was a blogger we met in blogspot and we exchange numbers and become a real friend. We still need to do a lot to understand each other. She is with Mercy Malaysia, nice small size gal, not much talking but do chip in here and there should there needed.

What is my main content of blogin today? Till now I still don’t have anything to narrate. Saw Kinchan face which is burnt after using his sister serum. It was because of his curiosity of the product and tried to overcome the problem he has on his face. Well actually nowadays man that I saw apart from the low income level (not trying to segregate anyone to a different custom) do take care of their appearance and looks. They dress neatly, smells good and most importantly take care of their face like woman do. They put moisturizer, toner, and cream. Yeah certain people I met do all those mentioned. The skin looks good and well maintained.

Some use those counter products, some use direct selling product, some through recommendation items, and some do goes to salon to get opinions and do facial. Me? I’ll be fine with my conservative way with white eggs and turmeric, honey and lime. Since I was married I have not much problems with my face but my skin do leave black mark when I have pimple scar. It stays for a while and apparently will go off.

I guess Im lack of passion to write today due to my crappy moods after the argument with my boss before going off today. Manage to get something for the children and I was touched by rom’s empathy again for a shopping voucher given by her investor to be given to my children. I wasn’t feeling good taking those and told her there is many more orphanage need that than me.

I was hit by emotion and feel like running away from being her friend. I cant do much for her except to listen to her when she needs me. Was I manipulating my situation to get attention or sympathy from people???

Date released: 25^th Oct 05
Currently listening to: One moment in Time (Whitney Houston)
Mood : Crappy

Craps

Well bloggin and writing always amused me how to put my feelings over on the screen. The phrase n word could be blatant sometimes but it does heal me. I just cant wait to go back home while driving to put my peace of mind or any of the issue i saw on the road while i have it. But usually when i reach home there was four lil hand waiting to b hug n cuddle n i forget the title n also the contents except those I’ve written. I still have this myspace as mine and free space to talk and ramble about daily life or anything and special issues I need to blab. But then those who felt it was for them makes things raunchy and rawdy to the outer space. Be it then. lol I meant nothing to any out here. I love to read, i love to write but talking it out over coffee tea is not just me except to my close friends. So bloggin is the best thing i could do.

Real life friends always get smack n spank rite on the ass should they need to. I took my kids out with rom on Friday nite for the tarik. I call it family days outing over teh tarik. I was answering almost every question as to where we are going, who with, whom shall we met and what kind of food are we having then after a while we there Arif came and was introduce to the armies of ours. It was ok then sekinchan came with basya and the table start shaking with laughter and hand banging the table could stop to hold the giggle.

Saturday was out the whole day to look for the kids stuff n twins was with me. T drag me all the way from Ulu Klang, Ampang Park, Crown Princess and at the end we settle at Crown Princess lobby for buka puasa. Sunday start of my morning with sewing her curtains and cutting the table tops n start sewing what ever I can. Around 11 I went to friends house then off to ampang and ampang indah next where I got my reflexology massage n I told rom, I need to call the day off. Im too tired to entertain u friend. Tho she has lots of place in mind but I cant afford to walk more and further anymore.

She understand n the minute I hit home I hold my twins n drift myself into deep sleep. I guess the massage really helps me to score a nap that afternoon. After buka puasa I manage to sew more of the curtain n start painting the dining area with the help of Kak long n Kak ngah. Whoosh half and hour later the space become new. I feel good later my bro came to get me become a barber pulak dah. The minute its done I shut my mind off to the whole world n counting the beads n drift till sahur time.

There I go. During those time entertaining I cant help my mind to think about relations that those people around me having. Especially this two girlfriends. They have someone to love, to care, to be responsible but still cant be happy of what they have. Im wondering more and realize more and more about things they do.

For surely things happen to them with reason n im sure they don’t want it to be that way. Be thankful always and im blessed with your hidayah my dear god…

Date released: 24/10/05
02.59pm

BARRIER

Current mood: amused

Theres no barrier in friendship!!
But if you limitized to your secluded mind
Its up to you!
Would you get the spice of life?
Its also you!
YOu may have choice
But you may not centralise
If you are fucked up
Dont fuck others around too
But if you are happy
Lets the taste of happiness grows
In due course you would be you!

Date released: 20 oct 05
Mood: Bitchy

IGNORANCE

In life theres many ways to manipulate, to go ahead or even to ignore certain things. Can one be ignorance of things that is connected to themselves. It takes one to know what the effects and the reason to deal with it.

I don’t have much to write now. My head is throbbing with so many issues about my friends. About husband and about boyfriend. It is all about man. The effect and the affect of a man in a woman’s life.

Can I ignore that while you are needed to give a shoulder, an ear or ever a person just to be there for her?

How effective can relation be to get the affection of one another?

I leave this issue for you to think and ponder.

Date released: 21 october 05
Currently listening to: Al Fatihah
Mood: Crappy

ITCH

Suddenly i feel the need to think of what i have done for the past 3 months to overcome my feelings, trauma and also being a new me. Im becoming stubborn, hardheaded, less feeling and ignorance to certain things. I may not change all but the success of transformation of the new me is excellence so far.

At anytime i was hit by emotions i change my way of thinking to something positive or i avoid the issue. Well once in a while i still do keep on pestering and concern about some matters but im trying to manage more than i could do before. Diverting n diversifying into something better.

I was with tee last night being a shoulder to cry on n lending an ear giving some motivations n booster for her emotional breakdown after dumping her boyfriend. *sigh* I saw her boyfriend at the lobby of her condo when she command me to her place. with spontaneous effect the minute i saw him i said hi, then only i saw n realize there was two big bags accompanying him.

While walking to the lift my mind was wondering she called me about half or more ago asking me to come and he has gone according to her but what the heck i still see him? But again my heart felt for him. After a long relationship and countless time of fighting and being together again it comes to an end where he has to go. Some months ago they had a fight and they have come to a conclusion to be married earlier next year. Infact i was eager to see that happen, afterall its only a few months more.

No one can say anything if it comes to fate. Holding the faith that he will be back but then again with a lot of issues being argued and would that be worth for him to walk away after a silly jealousies over her cousin brother who has been helping her a lot on doing house work for preparation of hari raya.

I was asking her wether is she ready to go through all this. Its not easy being alone after many years emotionally dependant to someone dear to her. The only thing i could do is encourage, boost and motivate. At this moment my head think of Kinchan. Good motivator in winning emotional issue at times.

In relation theres are many sacrifying needed from both. Learning points: give and take and know your strength and weakness and practise it.

Date released: 211005
Currently listening : Kau kunci cintaku (Ramlah Ram)
Mood: Bouncy

A Reason - A Season - A Lifetime

Current mood: cold

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be.

Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.

Thank you for being a part of my life, whether you were a reason, a season or a lifetime.

AL FATIHAH to Datin Sri Endon who pass away this morning.
May god bless her and rest her in peace.

Date Released: 20 October 05 (10.03)

APA SEBENARNYA

Pada waktu begini aku masih belum tidur menghabiskan kerja yang masih belum siap. Jika tidak aku tidak dapat menumpukan perhatian penuh pada kerja mahupun tidur lena. Walau sukar aku terpaksa meneruskannya. Pada waktu-waktu beginilah aku berfikir. Pada waktu beginilah apa jua yang dikehendaki anak2 kurenungkan. Tidak mudah tapi harus ku selesaikan.

Sikembar entah berapa kali bertanya padaku bilakah aku mahu membawa mereka membeli persiapan raya. Berayakah aku tahun ini. Ia masih jauh untukku jawab. Entah mengapa aku tidak merasa keperluan beraya ini untukku. Mungkin pada saat-saat terakhir jika tiada cek dari syarikat, aku harus mengeluarkan simpanan untuk membelikan keperluan mereka. Mereka harus merasakan kemeriahan hari raya. Walau sesusah manapun aku harus tetap mengadakan. Mereka harus merayakan hari kemenangan ini. Setelah menyudahkan perjuangan melawan nafsu menahan diri berpuasa.

Betapa anak-anak yang kecil ini berjaya menahan diri dari lapar dan dahaga. Betapa cekal mereka mengharungi hari-hari yang berlalu kerana memenuhi tuntutan agama. Sekolah pada waktu pagi, mengaji pada waktu tengahari, mengerjakan pekerjaan rumah pada sebelah petang. Jika ada masa yang tinggal mereka akan tidur sebentar sebelum mandi dan menunggu waktu berbuka puasa.

Juadah puasa amat sederhana dimana nasi bersama roti john yang semestinya ada dan beberapa kuih manisan. Teh o manis sentiasa menjadi pilihan dan kadangkala milo panas menjadi penghilang dahaga. Setelah berbuka masa untuk bersama teman-teman jika tidak menghadirkan diri kemasjid untuk bertarawikh. Sesungguhnya jadual yang penuh untuk mereka cukup untuk menyedarkan aku betapa teraturnya hidup mereka. Hidup aku dulu jua begitu. Mudah dan senang mengikut aturan yang ditetapkan.

Tetapi sebagai seorang dewasa ada juga yang selalu terbabas dari menunaikan tanggungjawab yang diwajibkan setahun sekali. Sebagai ibu waktu-waktu begini menuntut aku bekerja lebih untuk menyediakan yang adanya bagi mereka. Tadi sewaktu berada di D’Palma tee bertanyakan tentang persediaan anak-anak. Aku cuma senyum dan mengatakan belum ada rezeki lagi buat mereka. Insyaallah dalam seminggu dua. Aku tidak mengharap mahupun akan meminta dari sesiapa. Sesungguhnya DIA tahu apa yang kuperlukan. Dugaan begini lebih menyedarkan aku betapa dahulu aku amat mudah menabur wang untuk keluargaku dan sahabat handai yang memerlukan pertolongan. Dan aku pasti DIA akan menaburkan rezeki anak-anak dalam masa terdekat ini.

Untuk aku sendiri tidak mungkin aku mahu menginginkan apa-apa. Waktu untukku sudah berlalu sewaktu aku seumur anak-anakku. Rom tidak pernah berhenti dari ingin menyumbang baktinya. Kukatakan padanya anak-anak ku bukan yatim piatu yang perlu sumbangan tapi ramai lagi yang berada dipanti asuhan yang memerlukan. Tapi jiwa dan nurani yang baik tidak akan mendengar alasan yang kuberikan. Itulah sahabat, itulah teman yang tidak mendengar rintihan tetapi nampak akan kesukaran. Banyak waktu aku melarikan diri dari mereka ini kerana aku tidak mahu berhutang budi. Biar lelaki maupun perempuan. Mereka nampak airmata hatiku mengalir walau aku ketawa menemani mereka.

Untuk itu aku tak mampu berpura. Bagiku yang perlu hanyalah hidangan dimeja yang perlu ada setiap hari untuk meneruskan hidup sehari-hari. Mereka diluar sana ada yang lebih susah dariku, lebih daif yang perlu berpuasa berhari-hari walau bukan di bulan ramadhan.

Ramadhanlah yang menyedarkan banyak sifat nurani yang tersimpan dan juga ukhuwah antara sesama insan. Diwaktu beginilah kita bertafakur, bertadarus, berqiyamullail dan berkhalwat menyendiri mengakui apakah yang harus kita lakukan selepas ini. Kadangkala kita diingatkan tanpa sedar akan apa sebenarnya yang berlaku disekeliling kita tetapi dek kerana sifat yang tidak sihat menutupi akal dan nurani yang inginkan kemurnian jasmani.

Bukankah perlakuan dan mereka disekeliling kita itu contoh kehidupan. Tidakkah kita dapat menyelami apa yang sebenarnya cuba disampaikan. Selain dari bersyak dan wasangka. Mungkin kita salah perkiraan pada ketika dan waktu yang tidak kita jangka. Tapi renungkanlah apa sebaliknya dan apa sebenarnya.

Pembaca budiman ramadhan adalah bulan mulia. Tidak ada keinginan dihati ini untuk menyentuh perasaan maupun mengguris hati anda semua. Apa yang ingin aku sampaikan adalah renungan yang mungkin akan menyedarkan kita. Aku yang serba kekurangan ini bukan ingin mencari publisiti maupun mendapatkan simpati dari siapa jua. Kita adalah pelakon dunia. Setiap yang kita pertontonkan akan diperlihatkan dihari perhitungan. Tiada kata seindah bahasa, tiada pekerti seindah jiwa. Bermaafanlah kita dihari mulia, semuga anda diberkati dihari muka. Jika ada silap dan salah yang telah melukakan siapa jua, ampun dan maaf dipinta kerana yang baik itu dariNYA, yang buruk itu dari kita jua. Muga allah mendorong aku kearah kesedaran yang tiada tolok bandingnya.

Dalam cerita ada rahsia tersimpan, dalam sandiwara ada yang ingin dipertontonkan. Carilah APA SEBENARnya makna dari manuskrip itu. Aku sedar apa yang aku pertontonkan banyak cela dan buruknya dari ku tetapi untuk paparan kita jadikan sempadan dihari muka. Semuga allah memberikan kita nur dan jalan yang terbaik untuk kita lihat dan perbetulkan…

Wassallam

Date released: 20^th October 05 (1.16am)
Currently listening: Live terawikh fm Madinah
Mood: Melancholy

P.s Perhaps I was here for a REASON, a season or maybe a lifetime. Its time to realize which true friends can accept a hidden reason needs to be revealed in a way. If they stay because they found the reason god must have send the sense of love to them but if they don’t perhaps they have reason to any of the acts taken. Its time to think, reflect and be objective about life. Perhaps all written has left deep meaning to any individuals but for the facts of delivering the message. Perhaps by now I created more enemies than friends and for those who really knows me would understand why I did this. And for some who says im contradicting, there you go, if you can find the meaning in between words and lines you wont at all looking at things only on the bad side. Its all in your hand. Be yourself take all you want, do what you need. We aint her to pleased everyone I was told but to do what we have to. Only god knows what is in your heart nonetheless the blessing is always yours.

SYUKUR

Syukur kehadrat allah kita masih bangun dan dapat mengerjakan ibadah disamping kerja harian yang di lakukan. Sesungguhnya kita masih sihat dan masih dapat meneruskan kehidupan. Bagi mereka yang sakit segalanya terbatas. Ada hikmah disebalik kesakitan yang dirasa.

Mengapa allah datangkan sakit. Mengapa allah datangkan musibah. Dan mengapa allah mendatangkan dugaan. Tiap yang terjadi menyimpan makna tersendiri dan sebab yang tidak diketahui.

Sesungguhnya kesakitan itu menyedarkan kita yang alpa dalam kesegaran dan kegembiraan untuk bersyukur. Ramai yang diantara kita apabila dipuncak dunia lupa padanya untuk mensyukuri dan berterimakasih. Diwaktu sakit mendatang, mulut tidak pernah berhenti menyebut namanya. Di waktu keperitan terasa dekat dengan pencipta.

Meminta pencipta memberikan belas kasihan dan mengurangkan kesakitan. Diwaktu itulah segala yang indah dan sedap terbayang dimata. Mengandaikan sekiranya allah mengurangkan kesakitan maka akan diturut segala perintah yang disuruh.

Kesakitan menyedarkan manusia tentang kehidupan yang dilalui. Walau sebelumnya hidup adalah sukar namun pada waktu sakit lagi amat sukar. Bukan hanya penyakit yang berkaitan dengan tubuh badan tetapi penyakit rohani lebih amat menyakitkan jika kita tidak tahu bagaimana membahagiakannya.

Rohani disiram dan dibajai dengan iman dan taqwa. Dari iman dan taqwalah datangnya kesabaran dan kemurnian. Ianya jiwai dan halusi dengan bertafakur dan berkhalwat denganya.

Bagaimanakah kita mendapatkannya? Inilah yang harus kita sebagai insan dan umat islam patut tahu. Hadis dan quran adalah pendorong untuk kita terus mendapatkan ubat untuk penyakit fizikal dan rohani. Dengan ketahanan rohani, penyakit yang didatangkan terus dapat di syukuri dengan berusaha mengubatinya.

Kita alpa dalam kehidupan seharian dalam pencarian harta dan bekal hari tua. Tapi berapa ramai diantara kita ingat bekalan hari mati. Apakah yang telah kita lakukan untuk mendapatkan bekalan untuk menyelamatkan kita pada hari pertimbangan. Wallahuallam.

Blog ini ditulis setelah mendapat tahu dari anchelli bahawa joey sakit. Semuga joey cepat sembuh dan mendapat rahmat dari penyakit itu :P. Ameen.

Date release: 18^th October 8.58pm
Currently listening:
Mood: Complacent

RELATIONSHIP

How do you feel when your lifestory being published? Someone asked… To write about day in and out is a reminder to me. Im not to sure about others. Im putting it down for me to read it. When im alone when I need someone to talk to. Getting a real person mean inviting a relation. Be it friendship or whatever. Im not ready for those stuff yet.

Attention given by married man and young guys usually are sensational. Getting them spiced up with the jokes and humours really tackling them to be near to you. It was nice and good but barrier limitize everything. I create that so that they wont be near, too close to have it all. Yup I do fall for some of the quality and charm. But I cant afford to just think about myself. I have many reason not to take the offer.

Many things around me happens which open up my eyes wider while my heart is shut. At least I don’t shut it of friendship. When they come with special reasons I will simply tell them, im here just for friendship. Nothing more nothing less. If he really likes, really feel the chemistry he will try the very best till I say yes to a meeting. Sharing the meeting with my friends was one of the other exception he has to take. “Bandel bener ini ibu” bilang some friends.

Well I know what I want. If you can offer me something don’t just offer me the outer layer or the surface. I need the inner and the quality plus the true reason and the beauty of you. I have been with few married man before. Nothing comes so near except for two. Cool ehhh.

He really have a way and charm to hit me. Andrew was now a legendary and I hope things gets better with you and her. While the other one is still battling with his inner heart to get the gf and whether to divorce the wife.

All has been left behind as a memory and a lesson to learn. Should they come again later, my arms are wide open for friendship and will not anymore betray my heart to have any of you as my lover.

Both of them has came back once and I did welcome them but then again to hurt any heart, I shall say no forever. Yes you can share my laugh, you can share my jokes, no we cant share our life together. Im not going to hurt my kids anymore with your so called true love. Four hearts to only a person whom can provide a leadership which im not sure whether he can perform successfully is simply no no now. Insyaallah I hope god will open up my heart again one day.

All is in his hand. As for now I am glad I have my children to ask me everyday how am I and a warm hug just to make me going.

Date release: 19^th October 05
Currently listening: One Moment in Time – Whitney Houston
Mood: Complacent

SPICE

Where while driving back home after observing people eating and watching over people attitude and behaviour. I got this urge to write about spice in life. whY??? While eating there is groups of mens and womens eating while talking and gossiping and they create noises lol. And upon that they were having hillarious laugh. Just like we did. ahahahhahaha

What spice man in life? The answer is woman and what spice woman in life? Anybody got the answer? It was gossip. Without woman man can’t have exciting life. Life would be a bore. Even they cant have a woman to take home but watching over them already fascinate them. The appeal, the charm, the warmth of a woman does create an attention.

How does woman be spice in man’s world. Woman make their life exciting and beautiful and full of imagination. Just by looking over a woman walking while talking with their body hugging or cleavage dress will already make man smile and wonder. How if I can have her with me today? hahahahaha can man really survive without a woman? Can one man just be satisfied with one woman? Some are, but some not. After some time same woman bore them. They move to next and another

It happens everywhere. Sometimes they don’t have to be their wife, lover or anyone. They can just be a friend to make their life going. Just to listen to them, just to sooth them or just to may be *pose for them (*wink wink like Penthouse mag lol) that’s how woman spice men in a way.

What spice women are gossip. Can woman live without a gossip. Me love to buy magazine sometimes just to read some gossips over some celebrities. It makes one woman smile and be more actively reacted over themselves. When one celebrity picture found with new hairstyle or showing their valoptous body, it make them wonder how do their do it and making them wanting to do it.

And gossip over daily life is not just about celebrities. Its found in friendship, boyfriends, makcik-makcik and teens too. Gossip in friendship will be like "i met him already, ok laa nice, warm but not my type? YOu know or not so and so have got new handbag? Ferragamo lagi, her boyfriend give" LOL. Gossip for makcik2 "Anak dia nak kawin dengan anak sapa? Orang kaya ke? Hantaran berapa?". *Sigh*. Office gossip plak "how much bonus does she has? How come she got more, i get little? TEens? She has got new boyfriend, handsome but her mother dont like him? Even politic members do gossip over their elections. One can simply let go of work in hand, just to listen to hot gossip.

They are good gossip and bad gossip too I suppose. Good gossip which change one person to be better. While the bad gossip simply talking about other people. Gossiping always spicing women life without failed. And don’t be surprised man do listen to gossip too. This is all about life how gossip entice human talks to their group of friends, colleague or family members. Be it about work, life or political issue. Its just how we put the gossips… Adios folks

Released: 18^th Oct 05 – 12.57am
Currently listening : Sound of the rain
Mood: Sleepy (nak tido dah ni)

TASTE

Munching over the pool at 6^th floor in one of the 5 star hotel while watching and observing people enjoying their buka puasa was nice. A girlfriend was suggesting to me Concorde at first and then Reinassance. This two place are common to me I said, lets try those we haven’t tried. About 6 I left the office and reach the place right on time. Food was merely the Malay cuisine with many of those were curry. Well lesson for today ask what are they serving before booking the table.

While I browse the food second round for something I like, I have to agree with my innerself nothing goes to my liking except the colour of the pool water. INVITING me to jump in and enticing me better than the food itself. After so many occasion of mamak, pizza and home cook, well I decide to try one of the famous hotel in Bermuda Triangle. None fascinate me actually but enjoying to see my partner eating. And of course looking at people replenishes their food one after another. JW Marriot are famous for KLians but as for food have to agree with my partner Renaisannce and Concorde is better in terms of varieties of serving.

Malaysia are famous for the food and 24 hours non stop servicing for those who crave to have something at anytime. Soup in bread are nice in Damansara Heights in one Restaurant called The Hot Chocolat Cafe. Where Mirinda orange and chocolate powder is serve and for you to taste the kick of the caffeine over carbonated drinks. Tom yam soup is yummy in Pawina Court, Ampang. Taste are simply superb and nasi goreng ayam ala thai is nice in Tanjung Court behind Ampang Puteri Hospital. Ubi rebus served with kelapa or sambal simply mouthwatering appetizer you can find in Nailis Ampang and best Mocha Monkey ive ever taste is in Bora Ombak.

I am not a good eater compare to last time where I can whack anything goes infront of me. I guess being aged the tank is smaller now and tho I still have the appetite to eat some exclusive and luxury things at times. I can even drive to Rasah in Seremban if I want to eat nice rawal tosai at Curry Leaf Restaurant or go as further as Melaka to eat ikan bakar in Tanjung Bidara.

Going to places just to get the best mouthwatering cuisine is simply the best things I could do beside reading at the beach or be with my laptop drifting my mind.

There were something not right when we arrive the hotel where we are lost to find the lobby from the carpark. We were lucky that it was not only us who are lost but there’s another handsome guy who were looking for his way up too. And so we make friends tho in the beginning we were a bit embarrassed but then hey we are not alone, lol. And when we ask for a saucer from the waitresses we are served with a chilli sauce that crack laughter for us. Whereby big hotels should have someone who at least speak simple English well . GGgrrrrr but it was her good try and a good day to learn her new lesson of the day. At least we did not laugh at her face but then giggle over it when she walk away.

Three rounds with dessert I wave for the bill and time to go. I wasn’t feeling so full but just nice.

Date released: 18^th October 05 – 12.37am
Currently listening:
Mood: Thankful sebab perut kenyang

Changes in Lifetime

Saturday when I took my girls out for window shopping, I am looking at a process of my daughter transforming from a toddler becoming a girl now. From the preference of colour she choose, fashion, style and way of wearing. I cant never tell her what I like her to wear now, as she has her own way and preference of what to pick and choose for her. I try to mix and match for her and show it to her. If it doesn’t suit her taste, she will smile and nod but take others that she likes to show me. I smile. I cant never force her to accept my likings anymore but only advice there and then.

Im now looking of how am I at that age would feel when it comes to clothing or appearance. I will never force something that I like to be on her. No it wont be fair to her. Time of transformation from being a toddler to a girl has taken place and that will make her realize why we need to look good and be a better person.

It makes me think of my age, position and also reminding me that now I am no longer someone who command her what to do or wear. But an advisor, a friend and a mother who can listen and discuss together of what life can be. I am already a grandmother at the age of 31. I have a grandaugther and a grandson. And I am glad to be the youngest grandmother in my family and have the feel of being old at the very young age.

That how beautiful life can be as a woman, mother, friend, lover and a female. May I have more to come tomorrow. Thank you.

Date release: 16^th oct 05
Currrently listening: Azan Subuh
Mood : Impressed

WHY GOD CREATE MOTHERS

WHY GOD MAKE MOTHERS

By the time the Lord made mothers, he was into his sixth day of working overtime.

An Angel appeared and said "Why are you spending so much time on this one"?

And the Lord answered and said, "Have you seen the spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have 200 movable parts, all replaceable, run on black coffee and leftovers, have a lap that can hold three children at one time and that disappears when she stands up, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart, and have six pairs of hands."

The Angel was astounded at the requirements for this one. "Six pairs of hands! No Way!", said the Angel.

The Lord replied, "Oh, it's not the hands that are the problem. It's the three pairs of eyes that mothers must have!"

"And that's just on the standard model?" the Angel asked.

The Lord nodded in agreement, "Yep, one pair of eyes are to see through the closed door as she asks her children what they are doing even though she already knows. Another pair in the back of her head, are to see what she needs to know even though no one thinks she can. And the third pair are here in the front of her head. They are for looking at an errant child and saying that she understands and loves him or her without even saying a single word."

The Angel tried to stop the Lord. "This is too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish."

"But I can't!" The Lord protested, "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she's sick AND can feed a family of six on a pound of hamburger and can get a nine year old to stand in the shower. "

The Angel moved closer and touched the woman, "But you have made her so soft, Lord."

"She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."

"Will she be able to think?", asked the Angel.

The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason, and negotiate."

The Angel then noticed something and reached out and touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak with this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."
"That's not a leak." The Lord objected. "That's a tear!"

"What's the tear for?" the Angel asked.

The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her disappointment, her pain, her loneliness, her grief, and her pride."

The Angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything; for mothers are truly amazing!"

Untitle

Changes in weather lately do affect my health especially getting the flu and asthma not to mention the sinus. I was hit by those since last week. The temperature was up and down since rain drops during daytime under the hot and stinking sun. It was good to have rain while my body system knows its going to make me sick sooner than I expected.

I wasn’t hit by pms much on emotion but then more of sleeping pattern and also bad migraine. Taking supplements do helps sometimes but not working for certain months. I will have to bear with those. Perhaps its dugaan bulan puasa.

Its good to have rain while some place is having water crisis. Where water is needed most than any food for hygienic purpose and also to perform the daily routines as muslims. Thanking him every minute for its also toning down the hot weather into wet and cooling at times. Tho I don’t fancy rain but its kind of worrying me not see its dropping during certain months where we should be getting heavy downpour or just a drizzle.

I just got back from meeting some friends over Nescafe tarik at Suzis corner with nin, arip, chel and widi. Well as usual since the first day of fasting month I met them once last Friday and today was the second day. Talking over the phone and online doesn’t gives the upbeat feel as we sit down and share the laughter just by looking at one face to another when one topics discover till the last was politics.

Strange it does give different kind of sensation if I don’t meet them long. Once its started it will never end. It can go on forever. Knowing that tomorrow is working day plus I have to get up for sahur with the kids we end it up at 2am.

Water is the topic I want to talk about since the beginning of this blog. A plain water that can do lots of things and wonder. Without it I cant be comfortable. One reason was the purpose of being clean and hygiene. Water is needed by body to hydrate and maintain body fluid and moisturize the skin.

But most important is that it used to clean the face and body before we perform “shalah”. Before we stand and sit to meet him the cleanliness of our outer skin by taking “wudhuk” is most important. Why does he emphasize on the cleanliness?

Cleansing the outer part is one thing, cleansing our soul is another. “Nawaitu” of doing and performing it is very important. When we are performing “shalah” we seek for his pardon and seek for his mercy besides abiding the law of 5 times routine.

Perhaps this ramadhan reminding me a lots of things that ive left before. Starving make me pondering about those needy who treat food as precious thing while we can have our meal accordingly daily and they have to fast almost everyday. So starvation really really making us feel how they survive in a day only with one meal or perhaps just water to survive.

Ramadhan is a month where people seek for forgiveness from god and amongst each other. Ramadhan brings a lots of things for those who really wants to find the meaning of life. Time for “berkhalwat, berqiyamullail and bertadarus” all nite.

Suddenly I miss mom again. Im going to have buka puasa with friends tomorrow. Perhaps I go and meet Kg Pandan gang first and then meet those Klang girl later. And Friday im gonna eat mom’s asam pedas. Im gonna ask her to do that. Hmmm I gonna take my children along to break fast together.

The whole family thingy. Food, bondage, togetherness, laughter and most of all I can kiss her hand and say thank you for the food, the laughter and the love. Dad is in Sandakan with my sister family. Hope he is enjoying the same togetherness and happy with them.

Looking forward for my Friday gatherings at moms place. God please let us be together.

Date released: 12 October 05 (230am)
Currently listening: Sometimes Words is Just Aint Enough
Mood : Calm

PRAISE

Tonite I have the craving needs of driving alone in the darkness. With this song the crave and the need to be all alone to myself is so invigorating. I turn to this screen where my hands can dance, my heart talking, my ears listening to Lee Ann Rimes singing “I need you”.

How many time did I praise my self in my wholife time. Once when I gotten my Sijil Rendah Pelajaran. Even I was not as good as those top scorer but I did take moms challenge. Next when I look at myself in the mirror when I was waiting for my SPM. There was a crew from filming to shoot a few scene near my place. When I feel a crave in me to put on something nice. I was a tomboyish when I was teens. That very day I took a blue dress and put it on me and admire myself in the mirror. I look at every curve I had. Every where I see me turning into a woman. I am no longer a tomboyish girl who like to seclude myself away from people.

I admire my breast which falls nicely in shape, down to my navel where my waistline curves down to my hip with hearty shape. I look good in that blue dress. I let my hair fall. I tried smiling and pacing in front of the mirror to see where could I improve myself at that age. Since then I tried putting more dress than pants and t shirt.

I tend to learn to love what I have in me. That is when I praised myself, the way i look, the way i walk, the way i smile. I look good with all god has given me. Since then I don’t really look at myself anymore. I was only looking at my aim and goal. Work and at the same time goes to college when mom snapped me off the need of me going to Form 6.

“Its expensive” she said. “But I want to learn still”. “Then you find your own money”. That’s what I did. I look for a job and at the same time enroll myself to a college taking stenographing. From there I go one after another ladder to my career path. My aim and goal was to get money on my own, buy my own things. Stuff up my knowledge by reading more and mixed around.

I share the amount I brought home with her. I got more I gave more and less for less. It continuously go on till my divorce where I have to stop giving. I cant anymore now. Infact I need help but nevermind ill find my way.

What else I want now. I have almost all. Home, car, kids, career and myself is almost there. I just need to forget everything in past. I just need to praise myself more like I did 20 years back.

I still have my shape tho I have four kids. I just put on 10 kgs compare to when im single. I put some on my thighs and some of my stomach. But proportionately im still ok. For that im grateful at the age of late 30’s, with four kids im still maintaining my body.

This question keep on bugging me everyday. To be single or to try again to be in relationship. Why this is always in my mind. When I look at my kids, when they asked about male gender my heart sunk. I don’t want them to get the heat when I choose a wrong person. Not again. This is not about me only this time. It is about 5 feelings. I don’t want to hurt them. Never!!! They have been a good child, bright and lovely. But I know they wont stay forever as they are now. They are growing they need someone to tell them about life on the other version. I cant answer them. Help me!!

Date released: 11 Oct 05,1.29am
Currently listening: Life goes On-Lee ann Rimes
Mood: Craving

ME

It has been a good day to find that people read my writings. Whatever I write here is merely to talk about me, which has nothing to do with others nor offending anyone. What I talks here is reflecting of what Ive gone thru and those who connected to me and my life.

I am not, I repeat, not pointing nor talking about your life or you yourself. Please mind you I did warn you “to read on your own risks”. Few times I read other people blog where it slaps right onto my face and it does reflects me but then I think about it. NO the writer is not pointing to me. Blogs are written through what the writers feels not about other people story or feelings.

Im just letting out my emotions because of what I want to say and feel. Those things I write earlier was because of a person whom I brought in into my life, his life, his parents life to cheer up before she took over the whole space.

She who told me has gotten nur allah when she goes to rumah ibadat. She who was fully covered after came back from performing umrah. She who was telling me boastfully will not stay with a person who is not a muhrim in a room just the two of them and she who got offended when she come over to KL, I ask whether she is going to stay in a hotel with him.

While she says all those and she can tell me how he come to her room hugging and kissing her in his parents house. How she can tell me all those private things. And she let him. Where does all the principle goes to. Why does she let it happen after the nur allah and the confession about being her and the way she carries herself?

All I write and what I questioned here was all about me. Its has nothing to do with you readers. Do not read things you don’t like. I like to remind myself time to time by writing and reading. This is what I call reflecting and all this while I have been forgetting to do it and disappointing myself. Yes I can do it quietly but then this is my way. Do not get offended. Please don’t.

It hit me most when his brother sms came and tell me sillaturrahim between him and me is still there tho the brother not in contact with me and he has known nothing about it at all. Kidding me?

A mother who has gone through life and mother who share stories about him running away to an Indonesian woman, married her after she left him with no valid reason. And now back to the Singaporean and telling will marry me and her and take me and kids to migrate to New Zealand just to run away from situation and problems? No I don’t run away. I stayed no matter how difficult life gonna be.

She has been the one who initiate and ignite the reason for him to leave Malaysia again, whom will make the parents disappointed. While infront of them she speaks nicely with attitude and bought them things to make do of what she has done before.

Could I do something to mend. No I cant be like her telling tales. I wont buy love with money anymore for its not working with me. I want to live in the real world. She talks a lot and most of all humiliate me when she is so full of herself when she degrade me as who I am. At least I don’t make another woman hurt. At least his wife knows my existent.

I called his mom “mother” hopefully I could get a motherly love. Why did I do it? Why did I comeback to him? Perhaps that time there was only me to pick him from the garbage dumpsite when his wife left him with nothing except financial problems. Without job, any money and most of all no one to turn to. Why did mother invite me on the third day hariraya to make me think of marrying him. I was ready to go through life alone that time. I have come to a situation that ill be fine alone with my children. There was many proposal which I put aside and don’t want to think about it but just being friends. Im able to smile, to laugh, to have fun, to cry with and most of all they do not take advantage but understand who I am.

Perhaps I think because I sympathize him at that time. Because he has no one to turn to, because he needed help. I came as someone to listen, to motivate, to boost his self esteem. In 3 months times he got a job, he can smile and most of all mend his relation with his parents. It was not because of me. It was because he wants to do it. I was just telling and advising. Nothing more.

She came when he challenge me to look for her address, when he challenge me he wanted to look for her. I gave him her address, her number and her email address. She came to my life when I gave her space to share him with me along with his wife. It was not my choice but his. Knowing the problem I might face I still gave myself a chance to see how he stand by his principle being a leader.

But when she took over everything, manipulate his parent and families, its time for me to leave. To give him back the love once left him in state of nowhere. I never pressured him to marry me nor tell him what to do. All I remembered till now was “this is what I want” he said. And I give it all. He don’t have to think about my kids. He don’t have to spend anything on me or my family. Where he was just paying back what he has taken. When she came all the monies spent questioned by everyone.

When everyone knows this happening they were so angry while I just smile and walked away from them. Not trying to make them cool and calm. The amount of money I spent was far more from what I take. When I give I ask for nothing in return. Why? I want God to give me more love not the money. Allah knows im tight with financial but he send me friends who always send me food as and when they feel like giving. I cant be more thankful for once I was a giver and now is a time for me to received. Life is always up and downs. And my turn has come to feel a bit of difficulties but still I managed to live. As I know god knows better why he sent her in our way and why HE show me the path I should choose.

I just hope I don’t say or do things that I don’t want to do. I am a sinner for I am only human. I never judge her nor him of what has happen. Even to all of you. All I can say it was my mistake. I let it happen. I don’t hold my love one tightly. I let her come to my way because life is about sharing.

I came to his life and make his wife hurt when he love me and now its my turn to feel hurt of what I have done. I think its fair when god pays me straight in real life now instead later in the other life. Where now I can still seek for his forgiveness and do more to mend things.

A sinner? Am I not one? When I write, I make people hurt, that’s consider a sin too. But im only human. I just want to feel what I like to do. So long I don’t take yours.

Now I am more careful when it comes to relations. I know if it meant for me no matter how I avoid it, it will still come my way. God knows better.

So dear friend. Don’t be offended. I will still write. Don’t read all if you feel my writings will hurt you. Please, I’m just writing to make me feel good.

Released date: 11 Oct 05
Currently listening: Aku Cinta Kamu (Linda AF1)
11.04pm