Fading...

I'll write from my heart...
It's derive from my soul...

I hear the knock...
I hear the whisper...

I hear the noise...
I hear the buzz...

But im going to reside...
Far away from you...
Far away from friends...
Far away from reality...
Secluding myself...
In my den...
My space...
My zone...

Should i be missed...
Ill be there in your time zone...
Comfortable lingering in your mind...
Tickling your thoughts...
Till your smile shines and outburst...

18.51pm

Ache!!!!

Penna: Lynna

Released: 27^th Mar 2006

Mood : Tensed!!!!

My communication with Dr Harlina made me talk to Dr Thevi. I need to go through series of test and examination still which means I have to be there early.

It choked me! I need to go very early in order for things goes smoothly. Would that be ok? Theres too much of trouble you are going to take due to this. It hurts me when I have to do that. Very much I know I cant do much on that to help but if I don’t communicate with Lina I wont be able to be operated on Wednesday.

Was I absent minded or was I too tensed to think of all these. To leave my kids, to trust other people to take over my responsibilities. To make sure everything will goes well in order.

The only thing I could do is plan and let HIM take charge later. But my motherly feelings hurts, ached when I think deeper in it. If I go alone, with that help me? If I just let myself admitted will they blame me for not telling.

My womanly feelings ache that I need to hurt and hurt and hurt. I am being emotional today. Very emotional because I have to trouble people from all angle. Damn feelings……

Ya allah, I need strengths, I need guts, courage and everything that can support me to be strong please. I need YOU!!!

11.33am

Blabby!!!!

Penna: Lynna
Released : 230306 (11.37pm)
Mood : Empty opposite Bubbly

I was totally outraged. When rome called to ask me to come dinner with her. Her treat she said pasta that I wanted a week ago. Hahahhaha I did not really get it since.

It went well, somehow it doesn’t really make me feel good tho. I was damn full but inside me was feeling empty. The emptiness that had not come for a very long time.

The call came thru in the midst of the dinner. Amir was suspected with lung infections. He need to be taken to hospital for treatment.

What do you want me to say. I told you enough. The affection from a mother are higher than a father actually but from my observation the affection of a father are for more beautiful than I thought. And so you deserve my respect. “Come over” he said without hesitation. “Arent you suppose to pick Amir dear? Have you called home? “Oh yea, without thinking I said that eh? He got lost along the way.

He decide that he goes home and monitor amir. And so I go and meet Rome for the lovely dinner.

My meeting goes well. And victory over discovery was always pleasant. As usually the blabby me! Was I ever tired talking over the philosophical and reality. I dunno. You tell me…

Nite folks, im tired and sleepy. My dotter is still doing her homework…

Fate....

Penna: Lynna
Released: 210306 (11.15pm)
Mood: down

Had emotional breakdown after “Seconder” was written. I know I hurt him, I know I make him feel guilty. I make him worried about me. I just shut myself off totally after talked to him, after asking him why he came back and haunt me for the unfinished story. Phone was shut and I am being remorse. Had music blasted loudly and I drive slowly home, drifted deep in thoughts. I was guilty too in between getting to destination of our vision or stop it now before I go to far and it got deeper on his side and mine too… I wasn’t really affected emotionally myself but when I think of the other half, and other sector I failed…

He said, “it wasn’t your fault to come back because we want it to, it wasn’t your fault to be with me because its fated and I want you too”. We cross the bridge when the time comes.

No, my fantasy has no longer a fantasy. It has become a reality where I always wanted to comeback to a place with someone I was before and spent the whole session of passion of being together. Suddenly it become real and I don’t know how to deal with it.

The pain on my lower pelvic become unbearable, when I skipped lunch and took instant noodles for dinner. The pains keep on coming and go its like a cut everytime it hurts me.

I made few phone calls today to people that really catch my attention. Not having the similarity of concerns but well at least they are people who lingers around when they should be there, they are there.

Still looking forward for my India trip while I know I can’t make it. I know why they did that, not going to comments it further and let they feel the heat but not me.

I know I have lots of silent reader now. Why they become silent is because the reality bites and painstakingly like a slap to everyone. But then somehow or rather one has to deliver what has to be. Not to mention those who use it to turn it around. I’ll take all of that. I was adviced to close this account and not to write here anymore but to me conveying the message was not as bad as talking behind the matters while this is the facts that everyone should face.

I remember when my uncle wanted to marry another auntie, everyone in the family was against it. While I said let him be, rather than being his mistress. They immensely become outrages about it. But eventually after they got married and she was always nice, she become favourites amongst all the auntie.

Why? Not everyone come to another people’s life to make them shattered. What’s wrong in giving him permission rather than letting him committing into sin. People always ask what is not enough with his wife? People never ask what is the gaps needed to be fulfilled and when the second woman comes didn’t he still was the same person? He was still my uncle despite how many women if he decide to marry.

My dad devote himself to mom after marrying her and left my sisters and brothers in Sabah once upon a time. Till now dad never seen her but now spent his old days with his childrens where he missed spending their early age with him.

It was nobody’s fault of why a second marriage happens. It’s because its written in his book of life should it be yesterday, now or tomorrow. I now fully understand “why men needs substitute”. To complete each others and to fill the gaps that was missing or to help or its his fate to have few women in his life. God always has reason to everything happen you our life…

12.00am

220306-1.20pm

Another 10cc of blood taken today then I shoot straight to work. 2 proposals, one long winded report on milk and series of emails entails. Few people had a good time chatting with me on various subject. With two indecent proposals, where this time I gave them straight to the face on my opinion but still leaving the value of friendship there. If I do connect with you after the meeting I’ll take that hand, if otherwise, drop dead then. Value of friends, value of life, value of relations, all come with price. Not the price of money, but the price of dignity and pride.

Well N we did not make it up today anyway but I always look way out of tomorrow. Perhaps it will be more promising or else there will be another day eh!!!

Positive over what tomorrow brings, be it sunshine, clouds, rains or rainbow, ill take what comes.

The stake is there, im only investing on what can be taken and leave whats not. Aint difficult tho but well risk is there anyway.

Till then…..

Hatred!!!!

Penna: Lynna
Released : 1855pm
Mood : Freaking Cranky

Now if anybody come with accusation he/ she gonna get it nice slap on the face. Whoever came with softly emotional statement he/ she is going to see me crying.

I hate this feeling. I hate to be in this state of emotional grudge. I just had my 2 weeks period a week ago. Dont tell me im having PMS again. My back pain, my nipple is sensitive to touch, my lower pelvic is giving me sore pain.

When i lie down last nite I almost burst into tears. I cant bear the pain any longer. Its killing, who do you think I would tell? No one!!! Because I hide all the negative things about myself from everyone. Perhaps I said that to him just now. But what did I received? "Its another few more days" Perhaps im being too emotional, or perhaps it was really the pain make my mood fucked up.

Im raged with anger, hatred and I dont wish to throw it to my kids when I go home. I know I have not been honest enough but what can I say. Im known to hide my feelings just to myself. If you are nice enough, passionate enough to care you would eventually know. But what the **** i couldnt care less anymore.

Im tired. Im gonna have my pasta and im going to cry I know. Soon.
I hate you because you are not sensitive enough to care or I hate myself because I give way again. Oh damnn I hated myself for now. Im going to drive now, not slow as usual but fast to compete with my feelings to pace up with my stupid ****ing emotions

adious

Enough Said...

Penna: Lynna
Released 230306 - 15.07
Mood: Cranky

Sometime I think I am such a pain in the ass. I do admit it. Being hard to most men who tried to date me, insulting them with my question, turn around with my words untill they got fed up to ask again. To that moment I will smile beautifully. Why because its an achievement to turn them down. But somehow I know they will come back again. Trying again and again and again. To those who did not give up I consider and give them a chance to talk to say it out again.

Would I mellow or not it depends on me. On them how sincere, how true and most of all they must prove me I'm wrong. Where their idea was just to date me out, dinner, lunch or coffee. Well, im not a person who is easily to pleased. Im always hard, pain, hard headed but to those who knows ME never, ever will feel i am one.

Why did i always contradict myself? Why am I being pain in the ass? Because no matter how hard I am to you at the end of the day once you find out who am I then you will know who really I am.

As for now, it is me that you need to crack. Why because your effort and affection is not enough to convince me that you need me.

I may not be good for you so if you think I can’t fulfill that please… don’t hurt me later… do it now and don’t let me wait for nothing…

Lynna...

Penna: Lynna
Released: 220306 (written 071205)
Mood: Flat

No matter how much did I take a day from people, Im sure and definite that I don’t want anyone to change me. For I cant change myself for them. That’s for sure. Im gonna blab about many things today. Things about myself, about why I did it and reason for it. Must everything done with reasons? As for me, yes, it is indeed.

I write for no mercy from any. Something that people would say calling for symphaty. NO! I don’t write to get anyone sympathy, Im writing this for my kids to read one day should they already understand about what life is.

I never take anything easily. As young as 5 or 6 years old I was taken to and fro by my grandpa to be in his custody. He took charge of me, he care for me, thought me a lot of things to be independent. And from there I learn a lot of independency and reason to live for whom I am, and what I am. Reason to accept what I am good and bad for.

As simple as drinking a hot coffee from a mug, I was thought to being patience and take things slowly and easy. Knowing that hot brewed kampung coffee is nice to sip, I took the chance directing it to my mouth without even giving a second thoughts. The aroma itself was so inviting and tempting. Coffee that make me insane and coffee that make me thought of life pleasantly till now.

Upon hitting my lips, the taste of coffee doesn’t hit my taste bud at all but all I know my tongue was burnt with the hot sensation. My grandpa was just laughing and told me good for you (padan muka). “Tak sabar “ he said. Yeah I was so impatient to have the taste and have it all. I was then thought the humility of being a woman with all the sopan santun and how to sip a feel and taste n understand why hot coffee is nice, tasty, sweet and bitter. First and foremost lift it up slowly, have the smell of the coffee and then try putting it on your lips and blow a little and take sip by sip. “You would taste it good and slowly plus inhaling the smell of coffee and yet not burning ur lips with the heat”. Coffee is yes surely bitter but the taste represent life. None is easy in life. The hotter the coffee is the better it smells. The aroma triggers a lot of curiosity to those around you. The taste of bitterness and sweet blends in nicely giving good taste to ur taste bud and life. I take that rolling from the beginning till now. Anyhow I love coffee since the day he introduce it to me, I take any coffee but I feel China coffee is the lousiest coffee ive ever taste.

Now let me go to next chapter. My upbringing was never as nice but I love it the way I take it. Its difficult. Coming from the low income level parents doesn’t give me any luxury. Not a bit at all. I live in a squatter area with all the Malay community. To get a tap water I have to line up with people to wait for my turn and it doesn’t stop for one trip but few in a day. I shall call it a routine for me. We use “dapur kayu” to cook and at times we use dapur minyak. It depends on how my dad makes up in a month. We have a well nearby where I have to get waters back to home daily for home consumption like washing dish and washed ourselves.

Mom has to help dad with selling pisang goreng to make up a living for us, to send us to school. For a start mom send us with her bicycle every afternoon and later in the evening dad will pick me up from school. At the age of 8 my right ankle was hit by the passing bus and I was injured. The pain doesn’t strike me immediately but then later at night. I cried but for a while only. So it was bandage for few week I guess. Then when I can managed myself I take that bicycle to school and come back on my own again. There was so many memories of being on that on my own. Being followed by flasher, barking dogs and etc. Im not going to tell all this in details its going to take my whole night to blab about this. Perhaps some other time.

I was never a favourite in my family. My brother was always praised and my sister always being treated like a princess. I never took any look at it. Because I was thought to appreciate what I have when I still have my grandpa with me. The humility, patience, appreciating life, what is granted and etc. Where is my mom and dad during those days? They were no where to be seen. Busy with their routines and taking more money home. Was it for me? Or was it for self satisfaction? I don’t know. Not until now. I seriously concentrate on what I should and leave that behind. I do once a while ponder about it but then to soothe me I just say “they did it to make the living better, so that I can share that”.

I get an “A” for my SRP but it was never good for mom. Tho dad bought me somethings but then when lil sister arrive 10 years later I was no where to be seen. If I forgot to do the normalities or routine work I will be hit and beaten till im ashamed to go to school. Until at one point then I don’t feel anything from that. Being hard and timid, boyish and I only acknowledge those who can accept me as who I am that time. I was never have any feminity feelings although I sulk alone but I never regretted it.

I was stubborn, hard headed but obey them and scared to be punished. I guess when I get beaten they was just tired, doesn’t seems to know what to do, or perhaps buntu and a way to let it go is punishing me and my brother. To the extent for a silly mistake I was ready to kneel and have the cane ready for her to whack me. Bit by bit it turns to hatred and being revengeful. I hate the situation, I hate being bullied, humiliated, I hate anger, I hate people raising their voice.

I seclude myself only to me. I talk to myself, I build my own boundaries, be friends to only I feel I want to. They aren’t many because I minimize it accordingly to my needs only. To those like me they will really like me, to those who come and go they may do as they pleased. I don’t come near you, trouble you so you don’t do something I don’t like.

I learned things my way. I love readings due to my boundaries, I don’t talk much to people but by reading I learn a lot. I praise myself by being confident when Im asked a question and answered correctly. Be it in kindergarden or in school. Tho I don’t excel but im blessed of what I'm up to now. Can't be more thankful because parents do send me to school to learn and be like other child. Thank you mom, thank you dad. I just hate the way u handle me brutally apart from that I appreciate what you did to me. I love you!

Being tomboish when I was in primary make me feel more of myself. My teenage year, I used all that skills too be an athlete. I let out all my rage and anger by sprinting, high jump, long jump, hurdles, cross country, whatever it is. I cant remember what else. I got II for my SPM and when I raised a need to go for Form Six my mom snap me off. There I go working and then taking my computer class and got myself a Stenographer certificate to be who I am today.

In the family of my mom being raised in KL I got the chance to hold the opportunity to choose where I work, what to do and make the eyes of my aunts and uncles open that woman can do better too except being factory worker and marry off at the age of 19^th.

No I don’t want to get married when I was being matched by my mom. I got carried away eh. Anyway I take my life span as it is till now. I value what love is, I value my quality time to be with my kids. I just hope I don’t forget my roots and path that I've gone through. No matter how hard it is but it was for the best of me. Im glad I took it easily and I thank god for everything I have today. I still have mom, kids and my family. Im glad.

Dairy of me 06th - 08 March 06

Dairy of me 06th - 08 March 06

Penna: Lynna
Released: 060306
Mood: OK (shira cakap!)

Would I allow to be hurt again?
Would I want to sacrifice again?
Would I want to let him love?

I did in which even if I don’t, even if I’m just mocking up. Even if I just lied he will still love me. I don’t know.

I know, I am never serious last time. Because I didn’t know how he feels about me. Now I know, how sure I am, I don’t know. All I can say is, prove me. Make those illusions or dreams once ago as real and alive that I can feel, I can touch, I can have in reality, not anymore fantasy or illusions.

If you want to have me, hold me, touch me, reach me, then come to me. How real it is, it is all in your hand, in your dreams, in your heart.

Love and affection has hit him the day I met him again. I wanted to trust whatever you said now but no, not until you prove me you are standing by me, holding my hand and take me to the destination. The journey may take long but if you allow us to go thru the hurdles and bumps, insyaallah it will be ours. Keeping my positive attitude all the time makes me feels good besides being sensible to everyone including him. To give my support, motivations and booster just like what I had from my friends before, always give me a good feelings to be supportive individual to him or to anyone.

He showed his affection towards me infront of the kids like the luring eyes did once ago. He never showed he is scared that would be spotted by anyone knows him or the other half which worried me most. I could feel his love flowing, passionate, alluring at times.

Scared, yes I am indeed. What If I don’t have way to return, or he would pull away? I take what comes, the consequences is in my hand, in both hands.

Day 1 – Lgkw…

The only call today about 10am telling me he is just board on jetty and no more next call… Poker told me about his good news. Im glad, it work somehow miracly just the way I prayed and hope. I can feel the joy and happiness of both…

Niza somehow pestering me on how I should enjoy my life. Hmmm I’m still thinking over it my dear gal.. Acot call me later when I tickle him a bit and Firm sms me immediately as I mingle around his mind.

Well its easy actually, once I enlighten a bit but not all. T called to check on status of her info. My god I forgot, sorry dear fren. One phone call, got connected and info gotten and delivered to her straight. Good luck dear gal, I wish you best…

Day 2…Lgkw

It was a miserable day today… as much as I can gather in the office dealing with my Nestle report, Milestone projects and British Council on hand. She get panicky and agitated just because she forgot to delegate.

Neh it bothered me nothing… You delegate, instruct and share with your staff you’ll gain. You keep it and get angry over me, I wont react anything! Its nothing, that I know to put me in together, should you tell me earlier I could have remind you… but alas that would never make me important to you too.. it never makes any different actually..

At the same time I am missing teasing, lecturing and listening to him. Am I seriously infected? I can still remember what I said “we will see who will mellow first and who can stand the heat”, yes I take that challenge… God, yes only god knows how I feel… arggghhhh it is better than climaxing I guess… hahahhah

This adventure is really testing my nerve… whether I accept this challenge to be in my life is another story… besides building my life again with the immediate family members, relatives and at least my ex husband…

Somehow people will learn thru hardway if it is not in the easiest way… learning is my way daily to understand life. I still have so much to learn why there is day and night.

What’s the different between heaven and hell and why adultery is banned while everyone loves it… stupid question, some would say but to understand, it will be very much easier for everyone.

When we are told to pray daily for five times, most of us do it without hesitation in due course that we are told to do so and we will be granted heaven in afterlife..

Along the way of finding the truth of what Islam all about. People have their own opinions of understanding it their way. For every question asked, there will always be an answer and reason …

At about 9pm call came in “hi sayang, abang rindu” hahahahha

Was I suppose to be happy or angry? No, I was in controlled… that’s what I know at least.. “Sorry sayang... bendahari is always around, I catch this opportunity to call you”. I keep on telling him to go back to where he is and never call me again and I laugh at him. Guess he is disappointed but then hehhhe I cant do anything beside laughing. “One more day, we will be talking like usual again”, he said.

I wanted to say, “dare you calling me when she is around?” Yes, he would, so I wouldn’t dare to challenged him… He is nice, concern, he was still the same person I met 15 years ago. He is fonder than before and expressive. And that amused me a lot. Im looking to the opposite site. Will he gets angry or jealous? Erm yup he did shows when one day he ask me of a persons name and when one night there’s many phone call I have to entertain, he was making a remarks how busy I am entertaining my friends. Yeah what the heck its Friday night. A night where the employee would have dizzy head till morning, would be singing till wee hours and for love bird dating *sigh*. (when is my turn).

Put3 would be smiling again nowadays… hey we will be walking briskly in Ampang this weekend are we? I am looking forward to…

How easy and simple things are nowadays for me since I found the clear picture of my aims and goals. Although the daily hick up is there but I keep my faith going smoothly.

My chat with arif was good. Next thing I do was to make a claim to my office for the long overdue. Time to get moving before I get myself on the bed. Theres a cold blood rushing daily when I think of it… Thursday I’m going for blood test again.

My heart beating faster again. They told me not to worry. Its only minor while actually it’s a major one.

Friends keep on telling me to change my car to sporty ones. But I’m thinking more on practicality on my budget and usage… with the people around me and my “tak apa” attitude will always put me in trouble.

I was offered of the Kia Carens at my affordable price but I’m still hesitating. I care more about my home where all the love begins…

I wanted to be an Emcee, I told my children. Nana laugh at the idea. I know she like it but when I said I can be anywhere at anytime and its hard to see me she just smiled and pursed her lips.

Yeah, who doesn’t like life to be famous and fame. But the quality of being a person, career woman and most importantly was being a mother. Not many people think of that values.

Glamour and fame can be bought and find anywhere in this world. But would you find a child out of the fame. When I read a blog of a pregnant woman, my motherly feelings brought me back to be in the situation. Where laziness affect most of the time, craving to eat all the time, feeling to be pampered, feeling nauseated but most of all the time when the baby’s head coming to earth. Only a mother could feel it.

No leader nor successful man would have that kind of sensation and the feeling touching the wet creature fully in liquid and blood was only blessed to a mother.

Would that time come again in life? God you hear me… I crave for that moment. Craving to hold her/ him in my hand, craving to sing the beautiful lullabies in her ear, kissing her tiny eyes, fondling her lil fingers, kissing her tiny lips, letting her suckling my nipples for her feed. I miss that moment very much. My fren suggesting me for adoption. I told her she must be crazy. Nobody will allow a single mom of four to adopt one. My financial credibility will be questioned!

But yes, I would love to hold a baby in my arms again… would god listen to my crave this time…

My passion towards life is more and more appealing. Apart from my work place other area are the best place for me to fulfilled my session of question and answer.

I still crave for mom attention…

Seconder....

Penna: Lynna
Released: 210306 (17.16pm)
Mood: Ouch!!!

"Sesungguhnya menjadi orang kedua didalam hidup seorang lelaki adalah amat istimewa apabila "sabar" itu sudah dimiliki sepenuhnya".

How would you define who you are to him, when you know who you are in the first place. "When the going gets tough and the tough gets going" once he told me.

Now I know why. To be in one shoe is already different and to be her was out of question. Be calm and think straight, I told myself. And so I understand how it feels to be in the first and second and him too. It’s all in the mind not emotions if one takes it practically. It’s not easy for him if both are too dominant whereby he can just walk away if none of them mellow.

On the other situation I told him this "You can nag, you can tell me what's not enough, what’s not right but you, you, yourself have to deal with it, with the situation. No matter what". Then comes the man with perfection of being individuals with strength, leadership, brave, strong bondage and full of love. "Would they exist?" was my question!!! Yet to be discover.

Contradicting or not I am for what I am. Sensible enough to understand and read every angle to sum up why he needed a seconder. And of course I know how the first will feel but I'm sure he has full reason why he goes out the milestone ahead to get the attention. As for the second was it really her fault to be found by him or was it her fate to be a second or was it because she just need to filled the space in between and as for him, it takes him to know his reason of why the extra miles was taken in order to fill, to refill or to cover. ;-) .

Heavy!!! indeed it is... theres so many men who have gone through this survey and who has answered to my survey "Why men need substitute". Tho its hard for them to express, sexpress or be devious about it but alas the full reason will be coming up soon on the next chapter.

So my summary is "its isn't all her fault (be it one or two) nor him but sometime it is fated". The ratio of a women now is 8:1. So dear wife "know where your problems is then you deal with it”. Rationalize it, indeed it is very difficult, the one you used to love now have to divide his love and attention to another for a reason I’m sure.

As for him know your problem first, deal with it, get your parents to understand you and then tell me what’s the verdict. Meantime, I take what comes. I remember once my male friend told me when I brought a subject of poligamy to him. "Be fair yes, but to the extend of his ability and her stands. I don't have much money if I were to spend fairly but I have lots of love to share". Yes he is willing to share his love, which money can't buy. Even Taxi driver are successful to worship two kingdoms and I salute that, while we know how much he earn. But his spirit and ability not to mention his courage to manage two different emotional creatures on earth is not an easy task. What more to mention when it comes to deal with WOMEN, phewwww am I not one.

With his braveness to go through the hurdles and bumps they are fine and managing it very well. Kudos to them!!!

When all this while we saw other women have to go through this path of life, weeping and shattered but do we get to know his point of view, seconder point of view. Most of us don’t. We judge them, we point at them, we talk about them, pinch them, hurting them but they go on living and prove what said are wrong about them. But I adore them they have strong courage and will power to go through, they are still walking chin up. Kudossss….

So seconder know where you are, understand why you are there in the first place to fill the gap, to patch up or to just being used (ouchhh) to his advantage to bring his wife back to the same as she is before…

Till then…

Berhenti Mengharap

aku tak percaya lagi akan apa yang kau beri
aku terdampar disini tersudut menunggu mati
aku tak percaya lagi akan guna matahari
yang dulu mampu terangi sudut gelap hati ini
aku berhenti berharap dan menunggu datang gelap
sampai nanti suatu saat tak ada cinta kudapat
mengapa ada derita bila bahagia tercipta
mengapa ada sang hitam bila putih menyenangkan...

corus

aku pulang tanpa dendam
ku terima kekalahanku
aku pulanh tanpa dendam
kusalutkan kemenanganmu
kau ajarkan aku bahagia kau ajarkan aku derita
kau tunjukkan aku bahagia kau tunjukkan aku derita
kau berikan aku bahagia kau berikan aku derita

pUDAR..

Check this out; http://www.funponsel.net/movies/music-video/rossa-pudar/

Food for Soul

Penna: Lynna
Released: 190306(10.13pm)
Mood: Thank you for the flashback

Today…

I feel more comfortable and content. I was just about to leave the house when the wakeup call came in. My running session this week is schedule to be alone. Ayu is in Damansara and Ct is not available and Rome is bz with darling husband.

Putting the right outfit with the right attitude, off I go with fresh feeling to catch a good breath by doing morning walk in Taman TAR. Never that I feel so good on the right move. Yes, today is the day. While running I am already planning for today schedule. We are suppose to take children for lunch. It was planned to have nasi ayam but then I thought of going to Bukit Indah morning market. 930am I am already picking prawns, ikan selar, white cabbage, coconut milk, daun kunyit, lengkuas, serai and etc.

By 1245pm gulai lemak kuning, prawn sambal, fried fish and mixed vege is ready to be taken to the park.

I fetched the kids from Sg Buluh and head to Shah Alam for lunch.

I was too tensed because of timing, I forgot the rice. I laughed at my face for my carelessness. He just laugh and never did blame me and didn’t even mention it at all.

To watch him and the kids eating was really an enjoyable situation. It reminds me of my dad in Sabah. How I wish he was there to share the portion. He would enjoy the food just like he is. Dad love to enjoy food at the park, waterfall, seaside, be it anywhere. He loves the bondage within the family.

As much as I know dad miss someone to serve him, pampered him and enjoy every moment with wife and kids and families.

It wasn’t dad actually, it was me. It was never the same again like I used to have it before. Now everyone goes their own way just like I do.

I’m only sharing those moments with him who loves the same situation. And so he made me miss my dad. Everytime I see him forking for more gravy and prawns the more I saw the illusion of dad doing it too. The way he enjoy the food, I couldn’t believe it I could share that moment with someone again.

Thank you abang. I owe you a very precious moment. Caramel, kuih apam, gulai lemak, prawn sambal what else? I can’t remember. I can’t cook all those. I don’t know. I can only do things that I know off.

I’m not doing all those to please you but to pleased me. By watching someone to enjoy the food I cooked, is like enjoying the love I am pouring. I cook with love, passion and bondage to feel all of you around me.

So that at the end of the day not only I am happy but kids, you and everyone that I thought of.

Thank you for the time shared…

True Confession…

Penna: Lynna
Released: 180306(10.08am)
Mood: Happy to Know More of People Needs

It is not easy to make a silent talker talk. It has to be on the right time, move and action. I do not know on which part that I pinch him to confess what he likes most. He was fascinated over himself of who he is now than before. He keeps on comparing and complaining why aren’t him like he is now.

Halo brother we learn everyday ok!. Learning process never stop if we are willing to do it, each and everyday. Mine has taken its toll too. To learn more of a very quiet person who are not expressive to be whom he is now. But I never regret, for I adore him before and I still do adore him now in my very own way. For it makes me building the relation stronger.

Glad to be his friend when he laugh, to let him confide when he is sad, to be a company when he need to share. The words blurted are very carefully narrated and think before its spurt out. Once in a while demanding eye contacts hoping I will understand and willing to hear and accept it. My smile never fades, my thoughts never leave me but my rosy cheek blush each and everytime he does look deep in me.

What makes you think I can do it, what makes you think I would do it, what makes you are strong witted to say this and hoping the day would be true. Faith is still with me and will always be.

The expression and confession was very simple but it does make my cheek blush and adrenalin rushed. Never that I had someone would be so brave to say those direct to my face and makes me feels wanted, loved and wanting to do it there and then. The gentle reminder needs summary to be summarized and memorized all during the conversation of merely an hour.

Personality

Penna: Lynna
Released: 180306 (9.13am)
Mood: Happy

In the early hours subject about dressing was brought out on how people would measure an appearance of an individuals. Letting him to voice out what he thinks and view about others and indirectly hinting about how I dressed up. I smile and let him rambles and rant about it…

I have my own personal views on how people would dress and bring themselves out from what they wear… clingy and revealing doesn’t mean they are cheeky and luring, covered and straight doesn’t means they are timid and horrible, loose and fade doesn’t means they are senseless, curvy and bright doesn’t means they are outstanding…

When one put on something on their body, be it to cover or to wear its merely individual… Colours, shape, trend, style etc have their individual measure on how it is translated on people…

Models may wear selections of fashion be it current, past or future… It is to show that time take its toll on fashion wear. It comes back to the individual to choose what type and sort of dressing they like. Trend and fashion plays a good role in giving identity of a person and it does reflect to personality too.

Mya Zara was a very good example of lady who wears beautiful nice, elegant outfit but holds a very down to earth and humble personality. Ziana Zain the Malaysian Jennifer Lopez has her own taste of curvy and beautiful outfit tho she don’t have body of Saloma. Princess D the straight shape lady has beautiful eyes in selecting her own fashion and colours to attract people with her own persona. Harry Belle in her slinky see through outfit does steal one eyes to go through the lace to peek what inside and last but not least Siti Nurhaliza who never failed to catch one eyes to look at her with her natural beauty with fully covered dress.

No matter what these people wear they are who they are. Note, fashion will wear offs when time comes. It takes daring people to take the daring move to wear the revealing fashion.

Back to the subject discussed this morning. I am what I wear he said and I am of what people will judge him if I were to walk besides him. I am not hesitating to say that I will not agree to this. What I wear is what I am, not what I wear will reflect you. Yes I am your woman and you are my man. To me the kind of fashion you wear belongs to you, your identity, to show who you are. To me is to be boosted by how you portray yourself and how do you stand and walk with that and for me to be proud of who you are no matter how you deal with it.

The main concern was actually considering of what people might think of you when you wear those you have on. But does that really matters or carry your own personality is the best to kill their curiosity? I know I will never win talking about this subject with typical people whom look and make a self profiling of a person. I don’t do this. A freedom to wear, to choose and to have your own fashion is exclusively individuals. I can’t be telling some one this is not right nor wrong but perhaps to advice and to add some comments to make it just perfect according to my view. It will not reflect on what I would like you to wear. Every individual have their own choice and freedom to choose. We can only say and advice if it is not satisfactory on our eyes.

I have tried this for my own subject of rating and personal viewing. Three beautiful models and a dress to be evaluated on a person shape, personality and suitability. Each one are dressed only to one (same) fashion and colour. Not everyone will fit into the same kind of fashion and trend.

Every individual carry their own personality and aura. Its how they carry themselves, its how they walk, how they talk, how they smile, how they dress, how they choose their selective perfumes and so on.

Individual have a very unique way of presenting oneself. Not everyone knows how to find out what is right for them and of course they do need others to be an eye for them to improve themselves.

And with what he/ she wears don’t usually shows or reveal who he/ she is. To know more is to be near and to understand them. Outfit is just an outer layer that creates one mind to wonder and look, not to judge. A real character and personality lies in oneself that need to figure out by being near and get to know them.

So folks, desires to be in what you wear may be just a fashion but desire to lure what you inner feels says is one good way to express how you would carry yourself. Its all within you and at the same time to carry your personality and to muslim to carry their religions in their hands to get to a better place and better character profiling. Hence, a freedom of being in fashion and trend are solely individuals where only time and oneself knows how to deal with it.

Alhamdulillah

Penna: Lynna

Released: 180306 (4.04am)

Mood: Calm

I never ask people whether they need my help, I would rather go a milestone ahead and give it to them. Its clear that the milestone away is what they need should it be said and laid. That’s not me… but I don’t expect anything like that from others, no I don’t…

I was asked another question like…”do you have enough?” with his eyes staring into me... The usual me will ran my eyes away from the deep stare and will look around for amusement that can change the subject… Successful always in that matter… always… Yeahhh… I feel good when I can help… but whenever I need one its always choked up to my throat…. I never do find way out… I manage finding my own ways to do it right…

The email from Rome inviting my tears to run down my cheek upon reading… Only GOD knows how I feel…

Dear friend…

I know my ability… I would not be able to pay you back which stop me from taking… Its not easy to take when I don’t know when to return hence I don’t want my guilty conscious to haunt me the whole time. Never that I put it aside because I never want to sleep in that sleepless mind thinking that you would be needing it for your ownself and children… How difficult to get it is already a big matters to me, what more to repay…

My second boss always says this “when I forked it out to people, I never expected to get it back” see with this she made me mode guilty to take something which is not belongs to me…

Yes, I have problem managing this feeling since I’m able to throw the money to needy people but when I turn to be the needy I cant think I am one of them…

I was wrong, I know and people said I’m stupid, just take what is offered but it’s hard to separate that from me… I’m born to be independence, and feel self worth for what I did. People may laugh at me of that stupidity but heck be it…

A generous gentlemen knows me for only two days and bank in RM2k into my bank account to support my children needs once upon a time… I was stunned to death to know it 2 weeks after and the money was never spent for us but to the needy… I am only prolonging his “sedekah” to those who needs it better than us…

Another generous kawan who always did the banking in the money for me to get kids stuff and to bring them holidays… “God please give all this men your generosity and wealth and not to forget health to help others too…” and to you KAWAN, I still owe you, insyaallah one day, ill sit down by your side and tell you what I would do.

THANK YOU…. I am blessed and thankful till now that I never tookforgranted why they are sent to us… never did I ask again and again for them to continue giving. What I never stop, is to ask god to give them health, wealth and generosity to help other people….

Alhamdullillah…..

Hurt

Penna: Lynna
Released: 9.31am
Mood: Hurt :-(


"Sorry Sayang abang tertidur..." was his first words to bleed me....
Hurt....is what I'm feeling today after sooo many months....
The cuts are not the normal sadness I have when I feel stress and hated my work or the situation I am dealing with...
The hurts is more! Deep in my heart....
Love finally taken its toll from me... which I manage to avoid in so many chances obviously...
Its not his fault neither mine... Its situation, time and what else can i say??

I dont want to be hypocrite anymore like I always do in my previous relations be it with my husband or Z. I dont want to tell them how hurt I am but today I told him "when I accept you back, I am prepared of the consequences, and it is bound to happen more and more. I just have to be prepared of worst situation might come" He was quiet on the other end. I know he is feeling it too but I have to be honest if its not just to you, it is more for me. I want to be able to enjoy some of the feelings of hurt to be shared by us.... If you understand, GOOD then if not perhaps we might just have to think about it again.
It is not going to bother much of the daily life because I'm going to keep it going and going... I am not going to envelope myself with it. Soon I'll be alive again, sooon after this write ups is done, I'm gonna be the same old Lynna who is happy and bubbly again.
Its Friday, I'm looking forward to some excitement with my girlfriends... I know I can count them more than male does but hey they are still friends aren't they. Perhaps Kinchan will make me burst with loads of laughter with her kurus girlfriend who is fanatically dieting to death now.
Pu3 aku mengumpat kau depan-depan ni ... Hhahahahahahah
Friends, I need them just like I need my kids, but they arent around now. Thats add up my sadness and my missing part....

I miss you badly and I dunno how to deal with it...
I love you in my very own way...
I hate you because you took forgranted...
I hate myself because I'm too linient just to anyone....
But thats what life are all about...
Complaining???
Am i not now???
Thats me luv, thats me...
Take me for what I am....

Beauty is a Harmonious Relation

Current mood: confused
Category: Blogging

Penna: Lynna
Released: 140306-947am
Mood: Confused

Can anyone tell me whats the meaning of this..... :-) or was i being ignorance trying not to understand??? But i need further elaboration....;-)

My ankle is feeeling better... I got beautiful massager who cook for me, massage my ankle so lovingly even shes only a friend. While the children enjoying each other company we exchange topics about life, passion and destiny plus school holiday plans which has been fixed.
Friends are someone who cant be detachable from our daily life. Be in only normal friends, coffee time friends, hardship friends or friend for laughter momentum... They add the beautiful colours in between the rythm of life.

God....
Thank you... sakit ini banyak maknanya bagiku dan aku redha kerana kasihmu melimpah ruah dari segala segi... Alhamdullillah....

"There is one principle that can keep a man in everlasting ignorance. That is contempt prior to investigation. People whose sensibility is destroyed by music in trains, airports, lifts, cannot concentrate on a Beethoven Quartet. Pictures are for entertainment, messages should be delivered by Western Union.

A man profits more by the sight of an idiot than by the orations of the learned. Beauty is a harmonious relation between something in our nature and the quality of the object which delights us".

Don't forget to feed me with the above quote....

I am for Who I am...

Penna: Lynna
Released : 100306-19.35pm
Mood: Quizotic (written while i talk to you)

Dear.....

I can see the surprise look in your eyes and deep in there still questionings me a lot of questions. I can see and hear you very fine and well.. You have not known me well, the outer and inner me.. although you finally have me back seeping in your life slowly...

Trust and bondage is something i hold since way before.... Honesty lies in you, me and anyone who loves to portray who they are really... tho you dont ask upfront... the quizicall look and answer do shows somehow or rather...

How would you know me...??
Affection, compassion, the way my body talk. I don't tell but you can feel, my action speaks louder than words. I know its hard but you got to figure it out...

Love...
How do I expressed love? Don't you feel it, don't you noticed it, don't you get the warm feeling enveloping your mind and soul while I'm not there around you?

Lips...
Service is just to talk...

Meanings...
Are more from heart and soul. The way i act and the way i show it to you... I know its not enough just as yet because to me its still new... Tho it has sparks long ago but along the way the shades has been blurred by life. But the sparkling sunshine and star dusting over it now giving you all the colours and blink in your glistening heart, don't they??

Sayang...
Bukan pengucapan!
Tapi luahan perasaan...
Biar jiwa itu berjauhan tetapi ia sentiasa kekal dihati dan minda...
Ambil tanganmu dekatkan kedadamu tanyalah ia dimanakah aku berada?
Tentunya senyummu yang dulu mekar sebelum lidah itu berkata ...
"Disini aku dalam hati mu...., disini aku dalam mindamu, disini aku menyuburi kasihmu, disini aku membelai rindumu, disini aku membajai rohonimu dengan cinta, kasih dan sayang"

Time...
Are precious... although always left us behind but it never make me left out... if i don't come near you, you are always welcome to come over me...

Dear...
You, me and HIM are always needing each other in one unison in the name of love...
In HIM there is You...
In Me there is HIM to remind me that he has send You...

Satisfaction....
Does it exist in human life?
Does life satisfy you in a way?
Does humanity and life blends?
Yes... only if you feel blessed with what he gave you...
Yes... only if you have your faith strong with you...
Yes... if you believe in HIM...

You...
Are always in my mind and soul....

Self Esteem...

Penna: Lynna
Released: 090306-15.23
Mood: Beaten UP!!!

I’m feeling very down now... rushed back home during lunch hour in order to get the sink tap organised but unfortunately I was stop by the police for cutting queue... I stop and immediately taking out my license and Ic knowing it is my fault...

Without realising my license has long overdue... KANTOI!!!!! :-(
I gather my children to eat together, forcing myself to swallow and not showing them how I feel really breaking me into pieces...

Now depression is enveloping me. After lunch I have no desire to fix my tap anymore leaving all the water draining and wetting my wet area... Hurt was more I felt than achievement because I rushed in order to fix it and hoping by the time I reach home at night my place are clean again.

When the tiny hands massage my back to heal some frustration i feel so sad and proud at the same time... how would an eight years old girl understand what I went through... the hands goes up to my head so lovingly caressing my hair... I almost broke down. Taking her hand and shifting her body in front of me and snuggled her closer, kissing her face and I’m still hiding my tears and the hurt as much as I can...

Cant stand it longer i left the house feeling like screaming as loud as I can....I have not releasing anything just as yet... the root of the real depression was my workplace... yeah I have lots of things in hand to launch... soon after I gather my courage...

God help me be strong still please.....

15.47pm
15.44pm

Down....

Penna: Lynna
Released: 090306-12.53pm
Mood: Cranky (i cant sleep again)

I was having a jolly goodtime yesterday. My in-law was taken along to get some grocerries otherwise i wont be getting anything for home. I was hit again by laziness despite of my hyperactive mood. ggggrrr those feelings really put me down...

Finish with grocerries, took my bathe and hop in the car and there i go with the mohsinssssss gang again.......... wow cool new place... pheewwww luckily they never spotted me around before lol........

After few months of lazying home, yesterday was a blast... not to mention the person who just watch us eating and asking me to sit far away from i was just wondering... "Napa lak la minah ni suh aku duk jejauh, dah la lama tak jumpa" Rupanya minah ni on diet !!!! dah la kering nak suh gering apa... aku yg debab ni pun dah dua hari tak jumpa nasi makan gak la chicken burger tuu.

Fast food was never in my menu since... ages ago i guess but then the place is nice i can veryyyyy hhehhehehe.... Well we were talking about nin who had a job offer already while im still pacing around looking... was i a good hunter anyway??? Pemalas more of it... sitting on it most of the time...

I had a good chat with my gf over how to tackle childrens feeling to patch up with our life. To make them just as important in daily life will do them better in terms of getting they views and opinion and most of all make them talking about what they feels of the current situation... So we are doing the steps one hopefully sooon... Launching???? hahahah godknows...

Me? Cakap okla boleh harap... but yes i do take time weighing and measuring for as long as i can and do it one at the time... to some people i take too long but to me its the best of time i can do and launch what i am suppose to. So at the end i wont be pointing to anyone of the decision made should it not be of help to me anymore. I will not have to regret once i decided.

Back to the gatherings.. There was so many topics including terjemahan masa peak apabila bersama.... erkkk betul ke bahasa den ni kengkawan.... "tuhanku saya datang, saya datang" and our table roared with laughter and everyone look at us with a kind of look. hahhahahahaha i cant stop laughing tho till now.. not to mention when the northern say it in their dialect even worst its heard like this when translated "aku mai, mai dah, mai dah, aku mai" hahahhahaah can you all please next time talk about other things...

But Basya looks coool semalam even nin said he wasn't sleeping at all. Well all of you young people still have the energy to rock the world surely still tough.... About 1030 i guess theres phone call coming...

I excuse myself from them and head home. Before that i stop by petrol station for fuel... i just had full tank few days ago and yesterday cost me another RM40 odd ggrrrrr.... Now i should think to go to work by Putra like Niza was saying park at station and go by train... good suggestion... but was that rational just as yet...

My next meeting was good. As i reach home maid told me my sinky tap faulty and they came and do the laundry while im not around. My mood turn down to zero. It never stop... was thinking to call aznin just to talk, to let out what i feel but then NO... I have to be strong to face all this. Am i not strong enough yet... at last i slept almost 3am after draining into deep thoughts...

Life is taken care as it is, as we keep pacing and never looked back... i will still go on with life no matter what life has offer. I take what comes....

Im cold as ice now!!!! After one phone call, i realised im going to have a very difficult and tough situation once i'm commiting. Admiting will be easier than denying... Again i take what comes... Aint going to push my luck again... if it never happens it will never be... contentment is indeed with me... Be it sorrow or pain, ill swallow it all.... I take what ever he is offering, when it cames to departure then take all with you, and only leave the reserved for me...

Take that smile with you, take that lingering eyes with you because it only will hurt me to see your sad eyes hoping that i would understand why you leave....should you leave me!!!

But i would rather ask you to stay as long as you can... just let me hang on that shoulder, cry on that chest and pray for shinier sun tomorrow....

Time is Pressing

Penna: Lynna
Released: 070306 - 18.59
Mood: Haru Biru

I feel weird.... every hour, minutes and seconds count...
Keep on counting...keep on pacing...
Will i break my vows?
My hand itch to call but my heart is telling me DON'T!!!
Im feeling miserable now...
Damned feelings ...
I hate it... but at the same time i like it....
Damn... damn...
Was I really infected?

Virus apa ni??
Malasnya...
Even to go buying groceries....
Budusnya aku hari ni.....
Buhsan tahap cipan....

Linger Around the Cosy Den

Penna: Lynna
Released: 070306 - 16.55pm
Mood: TAk TAu!!

I wonder what makes her still feel pissed with me while the person who hurt her actually was her boyfriend itself. It makes it worst when his wife is being friend to me. Can see the way she talk it shows without me asking. What was wrong?

To me it is mere because she was lied, he has to tell her lies first in order to make her understand and then he told me what he told her then its up to me to tell her the truth or not. Its all about me, its all about how we coping. And she gets pissed once she knows the truth when he cant lie anymore.. isn’t it weird, while he can say it in the first place who are we in terms of this relation she don’t have to be so miserable till today.

Of what his wife understand and my understanding really makes me wanted to laugh of how a man wanted to have both woman but in a very wrong way. He lied to her, he lied to me, to she, he is not telling the truth. Why? What is it not enough in his life..

I was told he is a golden boy.. he has his own manner, character, charisma, but what is he lacking? No she did not says anything lacking, and she rants telling what affected her most when he is around. Poor her, would she live in peace if he do marry him. I would only see and observe still…but I wonder is that kind of life that she wants…

He withdraw after she says much about me, he twist and turn things has been said and done but it affects me nothing so far.. Craving for love doesn’t means I’m desperate for man lol..

Love comes in many ways and direction.. love doesn’t have to be manipulated.. love doesn’t have to be ditch from anyone should you know they are belongs to someone…love come by itself, I strongly believe in that…

Should Z came back again to my life, im not surprised for I know I don’t hold anything that hurt me… I let it go because it is for his own good and destiny, because I don’t want him to feel guilty…

N came back to me for something that unfinished last time and it has to be delivered should time permit and should god willing…

Nd came back and once I notice his presence he is silent again… No all this people can’t get away from being bonded with the feel I gave them…with the comfort zone I created they still want to linger around but feel guilty of what they have done.. don’t worry dear I am not going to bite you like others do, will never will. For it is not my part to do that… Granting the best in life as a friend that’s what I am…

If he says that is only temporary I will just accept it as it is… to sulk like the last time would probably be unseen to me…

You want to love, you are welcome, you know the consequences for I am a free bird only belongs to my creator and children… for if I’m happy they will be sharing the happiness and joy with me unconditionally…

You want me to be happy, you must make yourself happy. Otherwise how are you going to gain happiness. You want to have the respect you must gain it first in yourself otherwise how are you going to respect others…

Everything comes from oneself….that is where I started… to love myself more before I love others… but I treasured my friends more even they have become enemy… I don’t care what they say or what they told them because the truth lies only in me, him, her, they, them etc… its individual… trust that honestly ….

Hunting!

Current mood: creative
Category: Friends

Penna: Lynna
Released: 050306 (14.05)
Mood: Jovial

As i opened up myspace today and read one of the lazy hunter's blog, i smile, i laugh and make a point to call. The familiar sound pick up lazily. "In a midst of something" he said. But still i can patch up with some info and try to make an appointment to fit us in for a meet.

Insyaallah one of this week if possible. Im trying to juggle everyone in my daily life, trying to fit as much as i can. But im sure im gonna loose some and gain some. Im blessed with all I have today and yesterday. Pondering around lazily about past, present and future... Take one at the time I'm always reminded.

A chance came again to have breakfast with the 2 Datin's was good after a few months of silence. They have been busy pacing around too. Trying to sort and juggling life as they can have it accordingly. I can sense something is going on with S. And T is still having dilemma. Can only address it as midterm life crisis where money can"t buy everything.

Wondering around with Beemer does make one feel proud and good but deep inside, can that luxuries buy happiness and can that make one feel proud of having expensive feeling about value of life.

From their face, their eyes, tho they are not talking, the expression, body language shows the tiredness of having something unsolve and making them wanting to go out more often to look for those unfulfilling. They arent talking about it but I know, everyone has ego. When you can lead your life happily although you are not always getting things easily but you know that the affection does make you feel proud and beautiful because you are an achiever, a survivor rather than blessed without a soul.

I rest my case and excuse myself after entertaining the kids while they have the conversation.

"Na... im telling you this because i want you to learn how Yatee did this" Niza told me today during lunch. "What you want me to be with this man around without having a slight feelings but just be there for them if they need me?" I was shocked!!!

How can one be without a soul with them and just running aroung giggling about things unsure? Would i want to use, be used and make use?

Lynna you got to make out your mind!!!!

Sun you are shining above me, you are giving me the colours of life that I want. Tho its rains but it creates the rainbow beautifully for all of us. Thank you.

Hey you! I miss you.

Passion

Penna: Lynna
Released: 030306 (1245am)
Mood: Lusty

The hot flush you’ve created on my cheek was still warmth and felt. Its not only felt on the skin but onto my whole body and nerve. It’s sending a sign to my brain and the urge was so persistence. I am glad that I am able to refused, turn it of and mute it but it is still felt although it has long gone from me.

My hot flush blood rush on to my face and sending all the signal to my brain to be ready for the next launch. All of my skin are sensitive for touch now. But I can still remember how its feel.

When the hand start touching my face, eyes is shut and starting to take me far away from being there with you. Suddenly I am in a nice small hut surrounded by greens, smell of earth and greet by music by of songbird flying here and there.

When your eyes meet mine, when your deep stare goes deep in me, my whole body burnt with sensation. When you draw closer and when your hand starts wrapping my waist, I am lost. I am torn. I am flying far far away from reality to somewhere beautiful and peaceful with the sound of water falling, with the rhythm of animals singing.

The soft tiny kisses trailing my whole face, landing once a while on my lips, while you murmur my name. I can’t hardly open my eyes, the sensation of the music dancing on my back are so unbearable. The rhythm of the song its playing was far more better than expected. I am lost in your lust, I am lost in my own desire, I am lost in my own world. The lips dangerously tipping each and every fingers and goes high up till you meet the nape of my neck. Tickling my ears, nibbling the lobe and whispering the sweetest song that I’ve ever heard.

Argh… I have to come back to reality…

It has to stop here…

Or I will elude myself far into an ergonomical zone which has no return…

Good night folks!

Unconditionally...

Penna:Lynna
Released: 0303 (12.31am)
Mood: V-V

“I love you”, he told her. “I’ve loved you for ages. I can’t say since the day we met because that day I just lusted after you. But then I loved you”

She smiled.

“And I’ll keep on loving you. No matter what…”

“Will you?”

“Success means nothing unless you’ve got someone to share it with”

“You think?”

“Of course,” he said passionately. “It’s one of thing I have in mind always. The fact people really do prize happiness and love ahead of everything else”

“Ahead of Mercedez Benz Kompressor? She named his favourite car.

“Miles ahead”.

“Ahead of around the world holiday?” He’d always wanted to do that.

“Absolutely”

“Ahead of … “

“Ahead of everything,” he told her firmly.

She looked into his eyes, an even deeper blue than the sea outside, and then she touched him gently on the side of the cheek.

“Marry me,” he said

How many of us thought of the conversation above would come real. And how many of us would think before saying “I love you and marry me sweetheart”.

Sad, but phenomenon now is to be in love and get married because they want to make it real. As if they don’t think of the commitment and responsibilities will take place. And a few years later marriage become shattered and divorce take place. Why because they don’t understand the marriage reason in the first place.

Marrying because of love, to confirm it you are mine and im yours, without weighing what marriage could bring today, tomorrow and future obstacles and consequences. Marrying just because to secure some circumstances for individual reason, perhaps not to commit to sin and etc.

Now I know why marriage is a must to some people and stays in a relation as ever as needed.

I need someone to love and be loved. I just don’t want someone to love me. Its everywhere. Even without me loving him. I need him for me to be able to love, to understand, to share and to have my dreams together till I’m rotten.

I need someone to marry me because he love me not just me but soul and mind.

“I love you sayang”

I want to be able to say that when he open his eyes in the morning, when he calls me in afternoon, when he came back from work and when I wanted to go to sleep, and whisper to him while he make love to me.

I want to be able to trail and trace every bit of his love whenever time is spent with me, I want him to be able to feel my passion whenever he brush his skin over me, I want him to be comfortable as much as he need me whenever he likes it.

To have that I should be open up, enlighten my day, my heart which has been sealed once upon time.

You know I’m talking about you, and to you. I know you don’t want to leave when its time to part, I know you don’t want the time to leave you though you know you have left it once. But it has to go whenever it is.

Love is pain, sacrifice and sorrow. If you can bear the pain, sacrifice and be patience for the sorrow, you would be able to fight the battle love war.

It takes two to tango. I can dance without a rhythm. I can sing without a melody. I can recite without the beautiful poem. My arms are wide open for you. I just want to snuggle closer whenever I need your warmth. I want to spark the fire whenever the thunder arrive. I want to bathe under the shower of your love. I take whatever that comes. You know what I have in me. You know what I could not do for you and what I can ask for.

But I’m going to leave the decision to you to make. Take as much as you can, pour as much as you want. So long you are comfortable, happy and knows that what you have prayed all this while has come to you and be thankful while you still have it.

For how long I can wait for as long as you can still survive. I’m waiting for I don’t have anything to rush anymore… I have it all already and its time to be thankful to allah that he listen to my prayer too…

I love you sayang…