Rule My Court

Friday – 090606
Penna: Lynna
Released: 300606
Mood: Quizzical

CATEGORY: LIFE, GOALS & HOPE

Not only women having difficulties in making big decisions, man are worst. Its scaring their ballz out actually. For many reasons that will make their future unseen, shattered, trashed, painstakingly costing them the whole life to some.

First of all they will think of themselves. Average or I could say most of them would just go ahead with their decision leaving the kids, wife and responsibilities behind and go ahead with new plans or on going lifestyle. Some would follow the rules of syariah where they are responsible for paying Mutaah, Hadanah, Assets & Liabilities that are shared in the marriage to be given fairly or most of them just get away from it somehow.

They are many cases of men who would just close their eyes on those matters and continue having good life with whatever they have ventured during the hard and good time together without even looking back or feeling guilty for taking it with them in the next life.

Some men who are family bonded will take longer time to decide or to leave it to the wife to decide. They would just follow. He would take his time to consider between his needs, her and the kids. He would be very much hurt if he is forced to do it should his women decided to follow a new person in her life be it with or without the children.

While we know most man are not able to manage kids along in their life but there are some who are family oriented would love to have them with in restructuring new life ahead. I would love to see this man who really knows how to lead his life accordingly throughout the wreckage of the marriage. He has his ballz rolling in his own court, managing and maintaining his emotions and rational thinking at the same time.

Some after having few scandals, after discussing or rather being counsel by appropriate department and family members, they suddenly remember yes they do love the other half, the children and the relations they have for many years ago. Even along the way they don’t feel the warmth of the love anymore but they think they should learn to live in the situation for as long as they can sacrificing their needs and wants plus the emotional failure.

In point of time they will just hang around, till the tension build up again, till they can feel the heat to crave for attention again, till the needs of wanting to be pampered like those courting years came back to them again. Some would just grab the opportunity to gallivant the time without being wasted by being smart. Wise men roll the ballz their way. Separating in between responsibilities, needs, wants, purpose and know the consequences that may come ahead.

Leaders will know how, when, what is he suppose to do. Not everymen will wait for the other half to decide. They will do the decision by thinking of what best for them, families and their future. This men have their courage, wit and carry their respect of being themselves as it is. But how many of them is around you.

I’ve seen many, been with many and they remain as good friend. They know best for their family, best for themselves, best for their future. They are successful making their own decision and take the consequences themselves. For this man who has great kind of leadership measure on their own I am glad to listen, to understand and to share their views and opinion.

Some does took what the other half would say or rather sulk or be in the meaningless marriage and again searching for the lost soul and get caught again in between the affairs and having another tornado in their so called set up life.

Why some man don’t speak their mind up just because of the sake having to live in a same roof just to make sure the children are safe to have mom and dad. Sad but it is true. Phenomenon that happens around us today.

It does happen before but then way back most of our parents nurture, cherish the love they had till now. Being adorable within the big family of theirs and making their grandchild proud of their roots. Can our generation today continues the traditions of our heritage before to love, to care to be passionate about life.

1209am

140606

Sacrifice

Penna: Lynna
Released: 300606
Mood: Calm

Cinta memang banyak mengundang airmata. Benar ia perlukan pengorbanan, kesabaran, keimanan yang kukuh dan kuat. Selama ini aku masih lagi akur pada ketetapan itu. Akur dengan segala yang ditentukan dan redha.

Seawal pagi aku telah diherdik oleh orang yang aku pernah hormati sebagai suami dan masih lagi aku hormati sebagai ayah kepada anak-anak ku tetapi sayangnya penghormatan itu baginya tidak perlu. Aku masih seperti dulu, tak mungkin aku menukar diriku. Penghormatan keatas diriku yang perlu aku teruskan sekarang dan hanya allah yang akan mengambil yang selebihnya. Mungkin aku terlalu penat untuk memberi keistimewaan itu untuknya.

Keserbasalahan abang tak terluah melalui perasaan ataupun kata-kata, tetapi kedengaran melalui dengus nafas, melalui kebisuan, melalui kepasrahannya memulangkan kepadaNYA untuk menentukan apa yang seterusnya. Simpatiku jatuh melaut luasnya tapi itu sajalah yang dapat ku lakukan selain berdoa demi kesejahteraannya, kebahgiaannya dan rezkinya.

Aku tidak boleh terlalu memikirkan keduniaan walau itu yang akan membuatkan aku lupa tentang soal hati. Aku terpaksa menghuraikan kedua-dua keindahan itu dalam caraku. Apabila hati dan mindaku berkecamuk, aku berzikir sehingga aku terlupa apakah yang kufikirkan dan apabila aku tenang semula aku kembali kepada teman-teman yang tidak lepas dari bertanya dan cuba menceriakan keadaan. Aku bersyukur atas rezeki, rahmat, limpah kurniaannya. Mungkin kerana aku tidak lupa mereka yang disekelilingku masih bersama mendoakanku. Terimakasih ya teman, Ya allah aku bersyukur.

Keluh kesahmu abang kedengaran walau tak kesampaian padaku. Aku tahu gejolak hatimu, tapi apa dayaku. Hidup harus kita teruskan. Jangan menyerah kalah pada keadaan yang mendesak. Itu cuma sebahagian percubaan dunia untuk penyampaian hikmah ke akhirah. Sabarlah dan jangan berhenti berdoa.

SG in memories

Penna: Lynna

Released: 280606

Mood: Great Encounter

Currently Listening: Tak Tahu (Adam AF3)

The sweet memories while I was in SG now kept beautifully in the box of mind with a smile. Thanks to R, Iz, Y, E, Mr Wonderful, NT and the rest of the people there.

I had a great time with a great warmth and hospitality by those people around. For those I did not met yet, I’m sorry I’m running out of time actually, but I have been promising myself that I will come again (Y *wink wink* safe yea with you ;-))

The familiar place no longer the same since i left it 22 years ago and even for a short visit last year. This time it is more with a feel, sensation and gratification. It was all arranged by her without letting me to speak for my own. She gets the ticket for me, paid it and send it to home and not willing to take when I want to pay her back. My first day was arranged to be out for dinner with some friends who are waiting since last week. Thousand apologies to them and thank you so much. Dinner was good with lots of question and answer about food and places. Nasib baik tak choke. Poor E…

It was the enjoyable dinner we have and loads of laughter. Prawns are so yummylicious. I don’t really enjoy seafood but then it was damn sweet and I have to admit I really love it and that’s why I took more than two (unusual for me).

My second day started when I was left alone in the room with a programme set to meet someone I know few years ago but never had chance to meet yet. I was thrilled and at the same time looking forward to it. Before that, I was hit by an emotion by someone who I am thankful not to be associate with by being “madu“ to her (thank god). My take is “rupa yang cantik, belum pasti mencantikkan budi pekerti manusia yang tidak mengenal diri ataupun penciptanya”.

I walk out the door after talking to my kids who was crying asking when im coming back. Chessss… I miss them yeah but then I wipe my tears with full of hope and expectations I walk out of the door with motivational quote “today is a new day and would be better than yesterday”.

I was thinking to walk around by the river of Clark Quay while waiting for him. From the balcony the scene was beautiful. It was raining early in the morning and later the sun start shining and beaming brightly. My heart blooms happily for no reason. As I pass by the front door I heard “Hi farmie!” I turn right to the voice and saw him there smiling and mine become wider, hand shaken and start walking to the direction ahead.

While talking and walking, I then stop him to ask where were we heading to. I had to alert my consciousness, people around me, especially R who thought I would be wandering around alone or with Y.

I was taken to Esplanade where Merlion is. My luck is not there, the lion is being cage for renovation and preservation purpose I was told. Then I was taken to a shopping complex to get the parfum that I wanted badly since last night. My eyes nearly pop’s out where there’s so many that I want to bring home. He was saying “nak mandi minyak wangi ke?” I smiled… with my lips sealed.

Lunch took place and I was taken for a glass cable car ride to Sentosa Island. The breeze, the green ocean, the green scenery, the beach, the ride on the 4D Cinema to add the effect of the thrilling feeling on the cable car he said. I fell in love with Sentosa Island immediately. Despite the heat, the wind that slap my face, the tide that steal my attention, the feeling uphill, the company that matter most. It was warmth, comfortable and it wasn’t like it was the first time I am beside him, I feel like knowing him ages already. I was served like a queen. It was an enjoyable outing which ended with dinner in Arab Street where lots of fabric and handycraft things could be found .

Time to part as I reach my hotel lobby. We shake hand, warm gesture exchanged and out of nowhere I did something out of mind. Anyway, less than an hour 3 messages came. I’m glad and thankful that I did open my mind for the meeting, the idea of coming to SG and being open to relationship after few bitterness.

Third day in SG while standing on the balcony overlooking Sommerset, Clark Quay river and the tall building with the sun shining glaringly, I feel good about yesterday, now and perhaps tomorrow if I may have it again. I have fulfilled one of the needs to get out of the same familiar space, den, zone and faces. The raging needs to be with the company of friends that welcome warmth friendship and relations was fulfilled too.

To Y, E, NT and Mr Wonderful J thank you so much for making my stay and holiday such a great one. I promise I visit you guys again and this time not to forget Elle.

My next trip is going to be India and with that I am getting ready to meet peoples at the other end.

MencintaiMU

Penna:Lynna
Released: 20606
Mood: Hurt
Currently listening: Mencintai Mu = Kris Dayanti

Category:Pouring...

Salahkah aku kerana mencintaimu? Salahkah aku bertanya? Jika benar, maafkan aku...

Like a cloud fading away, following the wheezing sound of wind
Like the dusk emerging to the darkness of the night
The hurt i have enclosed when we made our way last time
The pain that i took upon when i look for you
The joy that i embrace when i share your laughter
The love that i feel when you tap you lips on to mine
The warmth that i felt when you come closer and hold me

Jika aku yang bersalah menyebabkan jiwa dan fikiran mu buntu maafkan aku. Aku hanya akan hadir sebagai bayang yang menemankan jika ada mentari atau jika ada cahaya yang menerangi. Namun dalam kegelapan tetaplah aku akan sendiri disini.

Maafkan aku kerana mencintaimu. Kau biarkan aku, tapi kau jerat hatiku kehatimu dan aku tak bisa melakukan apa-apa selain dari mengingati, merindui, menginginimu....


Mencintaimu: KRiss Dayanti
Mencintaimu...
Seumur hidupku
Selamanya...
Setia menanti
Walau di hati saja...
Seluruh hidupku
Selamanya...
Kau tetap milikku

Reff:
Hanya satu yang tak mungkin kembali
Hanya satu yang tak pernah terjadi
Segalanya...
Teramat berarti di hatiku
Selamanya...

Mencintaimu...
Seumur hidupku
Selamanya...
Kau tetap milikku
12.25pm

cINTA - Melly feat Kris Dayanti

http://youtube.com/watch?v=uO69eanB9MU

Retaliation, Rebellation Or Objection!!

Penna: Lynna
Released: 190606
Mood: Unknown

Category: Blogging

Was out last friday nite for teh tarik after hell of mouth argument with my boss. Freaking out of my patience at last i spit out whatever i have kept for 6 years being in that damn company. Why am i stil here still thats the big question? As usual i was home composed not letting anyone knows what the feel i have and serving everyone dinner after a hard day was just on the tips of the hand.

Knowing thats what my kids wants from me, i spare that short but quality time just to feed them with my own hand and see the smile makes me cool down. Not much then later R call and asking me to organise with the other friend of mine. If her husband is here i really rather have myself on my own without adding her into the picture.

She was trying hard to entertain, and rather selling me to a male friend to make him liking me, instead my feelings towards the ideas sucks. I hated that. I know what i want, the direction and what i am getting from my male encounter. I just want to be friend to him, not being someone who can get a supporter mentally or financially like what she thought i could be.
Yes, he was nice as friend, enjoyable company, fun, full of laughter, serious when he is suppose tobe. But it doesn't means thatshe can mix and match me with who ever she likes. Afterall he was my fren connection. While Syed being quiet, he is more aggressive on us.

But thats about all. When her hb call and she was caught in the situation and was telling all the bad things infront of my friend i was really taken aback and tell her to stop. That is when she slap me again on the situation that i was not being understandable and snapping me in front of my friend. I almost break down, if only the car was with me, i would just walk away and not coming back.

Poker, konat and pam was on the next table. They were having so much fun and laughter. I made and excuse to the bathroom and then move on to their table and share bit of their fun.

Life is so unpredictable. That was what i take on Friday for so much reason being a staff, friend to a best friend and to others. But at the end of the day i was blame again!

Saturday, 170606
Lai Meng School - Report card collection

Was so dissapointed by my daughter results. I really sulk and was quiet. Later i lock myself and write him sms. Out of three long message i only get "kesian abg". It was later when after 3 trial of dialing not answered and he called back. Just dont want to miss a day saying "i love you" i said and later telling me he was not well. Again i fall back for the feeling of having sympathy and wanting to be given the same attention.

I shouldn't be! later when i told myself. Crying until i was asleep when i hear the phone call from T that she is on the way picking me up. I wake up clearing my tears, hug my kids, and off i went to work again now with a wedding planner. After 3 hours "pelamin", arch and the main table is set beautifully. Dinner in Kg Baru and home. Was so tired with all the emotional attack, after showering i still cant get myself to sleep.

Widi call to ask for teh tarik, without hesitation i said yes. 10pm we were at Shira in ampang and later we were at Bora Ombak. As i was sitting down, i heard "sexynya nak kemana ni". I was like huh, "tshirt and jeans was just the normalities right" i said. Hmmm and then my parfum was the next comments. I challenge Denk of the definition sexy and teruja. I was just laughing and answer them the way it should be without being said anything else. We move on to Bora merely because we need some music while talking. We were bored later when it was close they asked me to go for snooker. Sorry guys, thats not my bread and i excuse myself from them only to know later Brewball is closed. Still my eyes cant shut for the day despite the tiredness and the pain of anger of my daughter had caused.

Sunday, 180606
Very early R called for morning walk which i ignored. I wake up making nasi lemak for my kids and have him in mind. After serving i go back to my room thinking again. What should be next. Tried calling same thing 3 times no answer i give up and later he call me back asking why did i not pick up. I did not bring the phone. I was out meeting R to take the thumbdrive. Why did i always put aside my feelings while people always take me for an advantage?

5pm i was there thinking whether i should just pass over to him and go for that wont make him feel guilty to his family. Yes, i thought of that again my manner dont allow me to hurt his feelings that way. I drove down to the park while my first intention was to be in Jusco, Klang. It was just not my week, i was telling myself. While he enjoy the food my sensitive feelings came back after sharing with him the discussion with my daughter teacher in school yesterday. Everything was poured with my tears dripping. He stop eating and put it off and told me past, is past. Easy said than done but yeah i know life goes on. Im will not sharing my tears again with you abang. If i can always remember that and make my tears swallowed deep in me, i shall do that again.

Pain are not to be shared but laughter yes. I will remember this always. I was actually craving for the warm hug, like i hear that earlier "cry when im around, so that i can hug you" was i purposely crying that day. I was trying hard not to cry infront of anyone, and i am successful but that day. One day has passed i have not released all of it yet. My tears is still full in my heart, wet, gloomy and shady.

Perhaps Yus was right, while other people take it and pour and divert it into something else like having fun, retaliate, rebel and being objective but i dont. Part of me wanted to get out of there but part of me still remember i am a girl who was taught with religion, adat, and i was granted a brain to choose between good and bad. Let me just stay as i am, too kind to hurt, too good to retaliate. perhaps i should think of the stage 3 option and also changing lane procedure. But when i launch that would i be able the same person as i am 38 years ago or i will be someone new with sinful attachement.

TEXT THAT I LIKE TO KEEP …

Be it who I am, what I am, where I am, I just want to STRESS it again that I do what I believe it is right for me not for anyone. If they cross my path and the path doesn’t suit them, please go ahead where the next path is so much better to offer you. What ever life that ive gone through was the life that I choose. With my own principal, dignity, price and pride. One can only say, but one don’t go through what I went through, and I don’t go through what you’ve gone through. Those what I like to pick in a day, ill pick just to have what I feel best for you. And the rare gems will be discovered as and when I need it with HIS blessing of course.

If you want to comments about my life, please do but don’t change me the facts that you can’t for when I come into your life, I will not change anything because when I like you, it means what I discover. Change means wont do good for me nor for you for I can find in another person who suit best in individu’s.

A comment from my old chatter who tried to take me out in a private place which i turn down.

And you have to stop the philosophical dribble...other people know and have lived life's lessons as well...just be straight with what you want and say it. Don't beat around the bush and leave nebulous statements. You know what some of the chatters think of you....some of them write to make comments on some people on they...and they've said that your messages are so depressing...they don't want to be reminded that they are alone as well...they are having fun, you are not. And i'm not saying this to get into your pants. I'm not interested in what you don't want to give...and that goes with anybody.

AGAIN>>>>>what you say and how you say it...will put off people who may be sincerely interested in you

You are too sensitive....you really have to look very hard at yourself and be honest with yourself...understand your limitations, communicate with honesty and integrity. My words are not harsh, they painfully straight.

more to ur personality. Ur boobs and long legs comes 2nd. Ur dress contribute not much....cos no matter what u wear, ur boobs always becomes an attention. Then comes with on how you carry urself....

Friend: cobaaaaaannnnn

Friend: u ketawa pasal u sengsara sembunyikan kepedehan

Friend: u r one of those type play hard to get or

Friend: learned ur lesson after what had happened to u

_________________________________________________________

Was i being hard to myself. Was i creating a split personality. I was hurt, yes, the fact the the acknowledgement i had from people was not the way i wanted it to be. I dont want to be addressed as sex symbol for my appearance, i wasnt like to be taken advantage for the fact i like to help whenever i can. Testament is always there for me... thank god, im blessed.............

15.53pm

Personality Traits

Penna: Lynna
Released: 140606:17.13pm
Mood: Curious

Every indivuduals are granted with own beauty. Be it in the image, look, way of talking, walking, smiling, eyeing, looking etc. How does personality affects looks, how does look affect personality and what they wear affect them and comes in a personality traits.

Why people associates personality when it comes to carrying oneself to the public. Warm, vivid, precious, cold, pleasant, calm and etc. Human are created with so many character and size. How they use all those to form their credibility of being a person lies in them.

Virtual World

Penna: Lynna
Released: 140606
Mood: Accomplished

We are talking about universal language that is surrounding our community nowadays. We are far apart from one another but communication made easy with telecomunicating one another by phone, emails, blogs, space and chat.

I come to know chat world from my executive whom making me venturing this new ideas. ICQ, MSN and the most popular and friendly to me was Yahoo. I wasn’t into talking much on who I am when I first used to chat. But I be frank about my age, status, position and location. The only thing is I hide is my name and phone number. I don’t meet any of them but enjoy talking or chating with them be it male or female.

North, South, East and West to me are just next to each other. Those people that I know some are still best buddies and we do meet once a while if they do visit Kuala Lumpur or I am visiting their state. Some of them ive never met yet. It is all depends on situation, reasons and why.

Many people use chat as an escapism to distress, to divert, to make friends or networking purpose. And not to forget lots of them use for a wrong purpose too. Some are real, truly and not to forget liars and corn people around. But they are there with reasons.

Some for networking purpose, some for money reasons, some for companion, some for fun, some are there for getting laid. The choice that they choose to have in their life was actually the reason why they are here.

From the nick one are able to gather whom, what, why, where, when they are there. I believe some has good reputable image of being who they are and some use their nick to portray who they want to be but in real life they arent what they are in the chat world. Creating a split personality of what they want to become and whom they are in real.

Many of them enjoy meeting and creating new circle of friends and not to forget they are few categories of people in life. Human created as such to complete the colours of natures in order to make life beautiful and fun.

They are funny people to make those quiet person enjoy being entertainted with their jokes and laughter, they are informative people for those who need to gather some action for some purpose and the list will go on.

They are lies laying around somehow in order to create better character profiling and some do work as they want it to be. They add the colours for those who are they to observe and watch what can they achieve from being one. One conversation on screne can lead to many things in real world. Meetings, business, affairs, scandals, movies, bitching, teasing, weddings, many other things that I can’t recall.

Chat world are not just created for those from low income level but those in higher ranking position are there too enjoying what technology brings in modern world. If last time people send telex, or telegram to over or even make a phone calls when telecommunication are better but now, emails, sms, mms, chat and latest voice over chat can pull people from the other end to meet in the other corner.

Technology brings human together, technology connects people in order to make life interesting. But most people nowadays use it for wrong purpose. Most people get it wrong when certain things are introduced for a good purpose. Again that’s is human, when error are found accidently, technically or purposely.

But all in all chat has broaden my mind to understand, to learn, to achieve, to venture certain level of understanding, curiosity, networking, learning, connecting and so on. For those who have found the purpose of using chat to connect people, communicate, enhancing networking and for those who found their true love, true enemy, true passion, true interest in here congratulations for you have discover a way and reason of why are you here. For some people who has lost certain level of trust, interest, friends and etc perhaps you may think of it again why those things happen to you along the way of finding the destination or position or perhaps a reason to be here.

Dear readers,

I know some of you from chat too, or perhaps through introduction of some people. But I have treasured a lot of good things and have thrown all the bad that wasn’t suppose to be carried along together in my search of my destiny. To those people who are still there with a highest degree of respect you are adored for carrying your trueself as one individu that I know.

Thank you for accepting me as one of your friend, subordinate, and anything that suit best in your vocabs. Loving to know who you are, what you are, where you are, why you are here, when you are here was a tremendous experience in my life.

1239am

Biarlah Bulan Bicara Sendiri dan Bintang Menjadi Saksi

Penna: Lynna
Released: 030606
Mood: Crappy

Category: Goal Plan & Hopes

Dari jendela mata ini ada anganan yang ku panjatkan, tersimpul indah di sanubari, tersandar sepi dalam isi hati. Tak punya sesiapa untuk dikongsi, hanya tertelan bersemadi. Betapa teguh tembok jiwa, betapa kukuh rahsia hati belum lagi roboh terisi. Walau sudah di ketuk tapi belum pasti akan dihuni. Kerana penghuni itu masih belum punya kekuatan untuk meroboh dan meruak putih murni sucinya hati yang merah itu. Atau mungkin dia masti belum tahu apa yang diingini.

Wahai penghuni hati, terus lah kau disitu membelai mimpi, menjalin sepi. Walau meluap-luap kasihku meronta ingin dicerobohi tapi utuh lah engkau disitu, sehingga salamnya kudengari, sehingga permintaannya aku timbangi. Sehingga maunya aku penuhi.

Disinilah ingin ku duduki bersebelahan dengan yang memiliki. Disinilah akan kusudahi segala rona kehidupanku ini dengan seorang kekasih hati. Disebalik kelembutan sutera putih yang membalut tubuhku dan diri mu, disamping mutiara yang menghiasi dada ini, tersimpan manikam yang tertanam untuk jauhari kenali. Setiap detik kupohon doa, kupinta dengan harapan, kuinggini belas kasihan, kuimpi bahgia, kujalin kasih sayang dan rindumu padaNYA. Moga ia maha mendengarkan, maha mengampunkan, maha memberi buat aku yang terlalu mengingini impian itu satu kenyataan.

Muga aku tabah dan sabar. Walau seganas mana ombak membelah pantai, walau tanpa henti air mencurah kebatu, walau sepanas mentari membakar bumi aku tetap kan menanti satu hukuman kehidupan ini. Pasrah dan redhalah aku dalam ketentuan mu YA RABBI.

20.14

Sweet Flashback

Current mood: happy
Category: Friends

Penna: Lynna
Released: 120606

Long, long time chat friend suddenly write back to me addressing farmgirl as someone who always hide behind an identity. Next his emails entail, sms and lastly we speak over the phone to catch old good time.

I smile wide and broadly upon hearing whatever remarks he is making about me. Questions and answers continues. Friend comes and go in everyway fading and resurface again. Not knowing reasons why they left and why they came back. Most of the time i leave it to them to tell and if they dont its up to them too. Well, it has been good to keep the memories fresh again about who they are and where they are coming from and why they left and what makes they came back again. All in all i have the smile for remembering it and that was the best for me today.

Weekends was good for me as the maid was on leave and children are taken with their dad to his place. My programme to be in Sg was cancelled due to last minute plan. Anyway theres still tomorrow or pehaps the date are similar to last year if i go this week. I just leave it open. Need to confirm with few friends and ticket will be booked immediately hopefully by tomorrow.

While i was left all alone to myself last weekend, i took the opportunity to be in Shah Alam having lunch with Dr and then visiting my Klang friends. Away in the morning till the wee hours having loads of funs and laughter with friends was the most enjoyable part in my life. Throwing myself on the bed about 3am in the morning and wake up early to be supossedly sending R sons to school. Luckily he called said cancelled. I continue sleeping till next few hours and then off again i go to meet him for lunch.

Gotten some answer that makes me feel elated and from now on im going to be quiet as requested by him. The answer is not within the timeline but within the faith and patience. Insyaallah... The prove the answers is all in his hand.

15.13pm

Aku yang Kau Panggil Sayang

Aku yang kau panggil sayang, kini menggamit masa-masa silam
Aku yang kau panggil sayang, kini kekeringan dahagakan kasih sayangmu
Engkau yang ku panggil sayang, kini berjuang sendiri tanpa ingin ditemani
Engkau yang ku panggil sayang, masih menghantui jiwa yang merindu


Aku yang pernah kau tinggalkan
Masih membaja mimpi
Menyemai kasih
Mungkin masih mengharapkan
Jika kau sudi memberi dan berkongsi

Aku yang pernah menanti
Aku yang masih menanti
Aku yang akan menanti
Walau ku tau ianya tak pasti

Sayang
Ingin kubelai rambutmu
Kudakap erat kedadaku
Ingin kudodoikan sepoi rinduku
Bersama belahan rindumu
Sayang
Setiap malam namamu dibibirku
Hingga lenaku menjelma bersama mimpiku
Bila masanya kita mungkin bertemu
Berpimpin tangan
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Compassion

Penna: Lynna
Released: 090606
Mood: Cheerful

Category: Panas

"Is is not about the about the size of her, not that she no longer beautiful, it is not the love has gone. I still do love her. Yes, she has been there for me very long since and still tho. But whats lacking now is attention. Togetherness"

"I love to do things together with her. But she is always busy and had not have time for me. When she reach home, she reach for the kids and her passion showed more towards them"

1st scenario of working wife.

"Im tired and hungry, but there isnt a sign of her waiting for me to eat together or at least just to pour a cool water for me to drink, to ease my thirst or tiredness."

Slowly he make his way upstairs finding her sleeping soundly next to her kid tight in her arms. He walk to the bathroom, washing his face, doing his routine and come out. The sound of his stomach that urge to be fed just now no longer playing the same sound. He went down on the TV and watch, while his eye scrutinizing the area.

It is well kept, tidy but empty without any feel. The clock shows 10.30pm. She manage the kids well by then all of them have slept soundly leaving the place quiet.

In his mind.... "should i go out and eat or just have teh tarik? Should i call my friend accompanying me or...." He thinks and think till he slept on the sofa.

2nd scenario...

Where does it goes wrong? Where does the passion go? Where is the excitement of two people waiting and meeting each other? There is so many question left unattended. So many things that fail to achieved and reason being, they communicate less now. Very much lesser.

There is no phone calls, no sms, no tickle, no notes on the fridge should she need to sleep early for early morning meetings or too tired with house chores and managing kids.

Do we blame this husband when he found someone out there to amused him somehow with conversation over coffee or teh tarik. Was he wrong to just have a company to talk, to indulge something that he cant have at home.

The situation was never the same years back when they are still courting or few years in the marriage.

Why woman change?? Was it because of the man failed to look at the woman's need or understand what she want. Was there communication to understand both needs and then shared amongst each other?.

"Now i come into terms, she do what she likes, i do what, i like as long as both know each other roles".

Is that what a marriage is? Is that how two way communication reached?

On the other hand....

Those housewife which continue with their attitude now see him lesser in a day or may be did not at all and he works 7 days a week too. Not accounting outstations and overseas.

On another account...
Him keep it stays in his heart and mind and sulking and regretting why he married her in the first place. He tried talk her out, take her to places they love to frequent before, helping her in everything at home, give his time for the children while she took her nap. But at the end of the day she is still cold, rigid and timid.

Whom to be blame when this case happen? Never ask anyone? Ask yourself!

Unsure

Penna: Lynna
Released: 080606
Mood: Unsure

Ya benar jika aku benar-benar menyukarkan perjalanan kehidupan mu tinggalkan aku dengan kata-kata. Seperti dulu sebagaimana dia menyumpah seranahku sehingga aku benci diriku kerana menyayanginya. Tidak aku tidak lagi mahu ditinggalkan sementara, TIDAK Mahu kerana kerapuhan aku akan terus melupakan mu kerana kau tak mampu mendokong dan menyokongku.

Mimpi indah yang ku alun dan ku jalin hanya untukku, bukan bersama denganmu. Aku sebenarnya hanya bermimpi. Jika aku yang membuat keputusan itu maka tiada akan ada jalan kembali lagi. Aku cuma mahu entahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhllahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh terlalu banyakkah permintaan ku terhadapmu selama ini?

Aku yang kau panggil sayang, ingin ku hampiri masa-masa silam
Aku yang kau panggil sayang, pernah menerokai hati ini
Engkau yang kupangil sayang, ingin ku memetik sisa-sisa cinta
Engkau yang kupanggil sayang, kini dipersimpangan

Weird

Penna: Lynna
Released: 080606
Mood: Strange

Category: Blogging

I went bonkers last nite. My dad waited for me to have dinner together. I have eaten with my sis in Jaya Jusco. He was so excited to reheat the grill fished wanting to sit with me to eat when my bro sms came and showed by my sis in law. I was just scooping and talking to my dad when it came and pissed me. Without looking back i took my handback and go.

Damn!!!! without knowing my destination, without having to think nor focusing what im doing, I start the engine when i heard a tap on my window. My 1st dotter handing me the car key. I ask her to come along and go.

I pursed my lips tightly controlling the boiling anger inside me. Was i taking advantage or was i taken for granted. I pour everything to my daughter, i want her to know why i was not home like usual, why i wasnt taking my time to sit with them nowadays.

I went to the bank and pay all the installment i had to pay. It was raining heavily that shorten my destination. Otherwise....

Some people may say im stupid, yes say it out loud. Things dont happen to you, you got to assumed and well again i was a loner in my own world. Hitting every topics that could have missed. Damn feelings and i am still pissed over myself because i failed to show.

Mungkin Nanti

Penna: Lynna
Released: 070606
Mood: Chirpy

Category: Pouring in MySpace MyDen MyZone

Despite the tantrum and anger, my busy schedule, ups and down, i do feel missing him. His face was all over the place teasing my mind, lingering in my thoughts. His smell, his tickling eyes, naughty lips is every where.

Every where I go people stop me to get my attention. Im running out of time. People crave for me while I crave for him. I'm trying to run away from thinking of him, remembering him.

In the morning i rushed to queue on the submission of the application, unfortunately there is so many people. My mood change but i just go on like usual. Cant let personal matters take away my professionalism. After lunch time i rushed again and to my horror the queue is even worst. I got my sis to line upfor the SAKE of him and the family.

When i call later, he said ask her (my sis) to get the number and he will come later. My take was, my ups and down having all the trouble early in the morning and when i make the call he told me to leave it be if it is so much fuss!

His concern is more on my sister than me of all the trouble i take??? OR was i just assuming??? OR was i getting it wrongly from him??? Am i doing this for myself???

When would i learn? When would i learn to appreciate myself more than anyone else? Until when i should put love and passion on top of my priority?? Z has succeed on top being an assistant manager and being loved by undivided soul leaving me as i am.

God never stop giving me all the needs i wanted, food on the table, love of my kids so i wont be questioning him. I will only question myself. When would i put myself on top of anything? Z has taken so much from my bank account in order to form his stability without me realising it. Yes on monetary side i was far more poorer now but love was so overwhelmed from every corner. Its just me, who try to run away from them.

I hated to go home early not getting my privacy alone. I hated being on the road while i can have the time to think of my own self. I hated being a loner when theres so many around me.

I'm washing my hand soon. I hate to be and old broom. You know what i mean. Take it or i have to leave it. No matter how much u love me you have not fulfil the needs to prove me. Im sorry. I love you and it stays there forever, 15 years ago, now and forever.

17.21pm

Anger!!!!

Penna: Lynna
Released: 060606 (what a number)
Mood: Edgy

Category: Blasting my Head off

My hands are trembling, heart outraged with thunder and hatred. I hated myself when i am like this. I am always in control. As much as i was bombarded with facts and reason plus the rationality, i was still thinking to be kind at all time and anywhere. But not to them, most of them was throwing all the anger and tantrum to me besides telling that i am stupid for risking myself into something that unseen in the future. Was i really asking for it? Mussing, fussing!!! God please help me go through all this.

Strong and ability to decide for self and life was somewhat unseen just yet. It is far from my reach and I am helpless. When I am appear to be dominant my heart sunk. Because it was not me. I always fail to dominate some one i respect or love. And i usually let others topple me.

Why man has no ballz to decide? Why man takes long time when they feel so comfortable and complacent in their zone. Cant they speak up???

No, not all man of course. Im sorry i make that statement. Im just releasing some steam. My hands are still trembling. My temperature has gone done a bit but im sure anybody come on to my way will sure get it nicely.

Gulping my saliva wasn't the normality i used to do. I use do swallow everything calmly. Why today i am loosing my temper and throwing my anger here.

"I wish you show your anger and throw tantrum and tell me to get off you and leave me alone and i will go and this time i wont return"

"Sorry sayang, the pain the pressure, the stress made me feel this way and show it to you. Im sorry, love you. Please take care of yourself. Ill call you when i come back to office"

"I understand ...."

Without saying goodbye, i hang up!

14.40pm

Wedding

Category: Blogging

Penna: Lynna
Released: 050606
Mood: Calm

2 weeks rolling, attending weddings families, friends, neighbours coming from near and far away. Having all the familiar faces around with broad smile, tears and joy. My heart blooms and sparkling with love and joy. Children are happy to meet all the cousins and uncles. School holidays brought them as far as north and down south to be able to meet in the middle of the occasion.

Tired!!! Yes, cant tell how tired I am to be ups and down but doing something that I love and its by demand I should say makes me relent with their needs. Seeing my ex families which has been 4 years left and surrounded again with all the questions and hugs makes my eyes swamping with water and my heart melt with joy. And oh yess, I met his future wife too. Im glad, happy to see, he is now have someone to replace me and I hope soon, very soon. He was yes running away from the fact he has someone and don’t want to admit it to me while I know from his reaction, eyes, gesture and body language, I am still welcome while having her to accommodate the needs and time to fulfill his loneliness is a must. I have my blessing to him for the sake of his future and my children’s well being. I’m happy to be able to see her although she was so young and if my 1^st daughter to stand beside her they were just like friends.

Acknowledgement from my children??? I guess they know where and how to respect and accept things from their direction. I leave it all to them. My blessing again is with them.

The joy and happiness is bouncing in my heart to see all the aunts and uncles that I missed to see during those years be it in Melaka and Paya Jaras, Selangor. Its paid for the rest 4 years being in my secluded barns. Cant bear the pain to see the tears in their eyes but hey do they see the pain n tears in me?? I just hug as hard as I cant and feel the love they pouring. And smile portrayed wide as wide as the sun brimming in the morning.

I was with T the whole afternoon on Saturday doing 3 pelamins at two locations. Surrounded by the mak nyahs commenting, joking and making the event happenings was fun. Tiredness does not felt until everything was displayed beautifully for the newly wed to be seated fully customized with all the props.

Later that night I was fully engrossed by myself again after showering making my move out from the house with R to fill in the urge to just kill some time. There we go to have some live band playing and releasing some steams and let the mind drift after all the tiredness of the works done for the whole week. It was good band with all kind of song played. We hang on there till about 230am. R got fished by some mat salleh’s and I make my own way by looking from far their conversation till she tapped me and told me to get my but in the dance floor. I burst into laughter hahahahaha.

Better get better fish to fry my dear fren. Anyway there was few eyes lingering and smiling but I was just smiling without even looking at them directly in their direction till my eyes meet one new comer at the bar. The eyes, the smile and way was so different from those whom I see since the time I reached there. Eyes locked, smile exchange and my heart suddenly filtered with joy. But at that moment R hold my hand and told me “lets get going im bored and don’t want to entertain that mat salleh”. He was here for 3 days golf tournament and will be gone by Monday.

When R excuse herself telling him that we are leaving he is ready to come with her along with his ciggie and wallet. I laughed again and make my way out and wink at her at the same time feel “geram” because I was just having a good time having an eye to eye game with the new comer. Well, I can still picture his face till now with his stripe black green white shirt and his white pants.

We almost reach istana when she suddenly said “I want to see who is this guy who has his eyes set on you. Why didn’t you tell me earlier so that we leave a little later. I laughed again. “It was you who wanted to leave, and im just testing the market la my dear. But his smile is still in my eyes, windows to my heart”.

She failed to see that I’m hiding my true feeling of why I agree to go out with her that night despite my tiredness being working whole day. My thoughts is still with him of the decision he made to agree with her.

16.37pm

My Passion

Penna: Lynna
Released: 020606
Mood: Cranky I am

Category: Blogging

Missing the same ringing tone was something I hate to do and wait. I’m telling Rome today to stop me for any action of reaching that tone. And she agrees with me and question about SG arise again. Tentatively I am going. Its only reminiscing the action why did I make that trip.

It has been almost a year since I dumped him and he was happily married now (should he be married). But this time my trip was not because I’m running away from my feelings but to enjoy my time with friends and visiting people that I want to meet.

This time I want to make sure fun and hoping to one another place because I want to enjoy what I have, what I can do and whom I am meeting. There’s is few people lining in the phone books but it depends on the availability of their presence. Whatever it is I have to jet-setters and on the go friends from here who is willing to run with the pace and few of them there are waiting.

Reason of going – meeting new friends. To see the reality of the people that I talk and write or sms. Are they real or are they fake.

This the best thing that makes me hurried back to office after lunch. After visiting nearby pharmacy, while stomping out of the door, a girl with black base and red rose baju kurung open the door with a wide smile to me. Very beautiful precious and so calming. I who was in hurry was stunned upon the smile widen like a sun shining brightly at 2pm. N my lips painted a broad smile for her in return for her beautiful gesture. Along the way I saw a girl who walk uncomfortably. I can see her pants is wet and I wonder and think at the same time. Why is it wet. My eyes scanning her up and down. There’s a guy beside her carrying a bag and she’s carrying tote bag under her arm. My instinct was saying something and her pants wetness became wider and wider. I went to a phone shop to buy my top up. And my eyes is still scrutinizing her action and her husband was getting some information from a bus driver for a direction of the bus.

My hearts saying her waterbag burst and she is going to deliver a baby soon. But why is the husband getting into the bus and not the taxi for her to be sent to the nearest hospital fast. After gotten my top ups I saw her and the husband taking a seat in the bus and it left me no choice to go in her direction. I was ready with a note to give her or the husband for her to be taken by cab to the nearest hospital in order for her to tested fast and lay down. Yes, I was worried and my heart was beating fast when I saw her wet pants when I pass by to the pharmacy earlier.

Finally the awaited period came and I rushed myself to Pusat Pakar Kementah this morning to get the jab. Now I am back to normal without the emotional disease anymore.

Angah message heal some of my question I have in mind and lingers in my thoughts. Leave it be for awhile. I am teaching myself to be strong. To be independent. If I can go through today, I will be able to go through tomorrow. My hard days has gone even I know I have lots more to go but yes I was never stop making mistakes. Unwinding myself to take the challenge making me hard and bitter each day. To bad it happens to us and I am not making use of your situation and I hope you are not making use of me too.

If my presence making it hard for you to make decision or to think. Here I am freezing myself to no use to you nor to anyone. I have let down my needs, my urge, my wants just to fit in yours. Great mind goes as far as the horizon can reach, great kindness cant be said by words, great colours not as beautiful as rainbow. The harder my heart is the worst I am going to be. And I know it is hard for any man to melt the ice. I could not care less now. I am married to my children. My only bondage. I am not going to fool myself with what you said, NO, not again.

If you cant portray your leadership, stability and constant pace to face life as it is, do you think I should be standing behind for the reason to make us strong. I should think about it again. You want the easiest way?? There is nothing easy in this life.

My huggable kids are back. My sleep are through till morning. The dreams that came few days ago was now picturing real on life screen. Time for sulking again huh say what. NO, here.. is where everything will be poured. You read or not I don’t really care anymore. Im worth not for someone. Im worth for myself and my darling angels. That’s its. She call me every now and then to make sure im ok. Can I turn her to be my dream man???

Yeah, he came every nite to pacify. It doesn’t matter if it is not for real. At least im not waiting for him to call but ready at my command even in my fantasy land. Not for real, yeah why not if only man come to me just wanting to have sex or to make me theirs. Why dont u just go find an easy lay or there's many women who can offer more than you wanted. I got better things to do than just pleasing man.

I was, I have and perhaps I will be or perhaps there will be no more at all. Im just waiting for my time to perform my istikharah and from there whether its hurting or not I am going to take that final decision by HIM and REDHA to the faith I have.

17.47pm

Painting...

Penna: Lynna
Released:010606
Mood: Chirpy

Category: Pouring

Im wishing this is me and that is him. That god send to me in my dreams, in my heart, in my desire, in my lust. Just to share, to gather thoughts, to experience, to patched everything that we want to do all this while.

Embarking life with every joy and pain, painting the world with our laughter, portraying life with our smile, shining daylight with sunshine, lighting the space with sparkling stars at night.

Suckling and nibling every bits of tears, eating all the sorrow and vomit all the happiness to be shared upon with everyone around us. There is so much to feel, so much to find in between.

God hear me please, god look at me, god, you are always besides me, god i am pleading you to grant me strength and courage to pour, to love and to share with those whole love me dearly.

19.58pm

Inner Feed 3

Penna: Lynna
Released: 010606
Mood: Perk UP

Category: Family and Love

Today is dad's bday. Suddenly i feel like having bfast outside this morning. I urge my lis sis to come and she tagged him along. We had tea n roti chanai. *sigh* what a diet...
Anyway after the breakfast... he ask me what is the date today..
I said "its 1st June and happy bday!!"
"Ohhh" he paused "pasal itulah ajak saya keluar?" my smile broaden...
"Ha tau pun, anyway im going off to work ok dad..."

Off i went to office. I was late as usual. Stupid smart tunnel is still not ready despite the school holidays should be less jam. Was still reading yesterday SMS and still trying to gather what is he trying to make up. His call came in about 1042pm but was ended abruptly. He was just checking me where and whom i am with, i guess. But to end it abruptly was rude as i always told him. It makes me pissed...

i had black pepper crab, grilled squid, pucuk keledek vege with belacan and chakoi with kaya last nite at Jimy & Nongs restaurant in Pandan Indah. I was so full and was feeling tired after accompanying rome to buy groceries. I went and pick my maid after when he called.

I was grumbling until i reach home when dizz called asking to lepak with him somewhere. Im tired and pissed. No one could ask my company at that time. He did not give up. Messaging and calling when i was bathing. Showering is the best time to heal my burning sensation and temper. After showering i feel fresh but couldnt help my eyes anymore. I just want to sleep and i locked my door, on the TV, check up my phones. I laughed, theres so many messages when i off the phone. Izad called just to check on the BMW's since the last he spoke to T.

He said if only she write off total lost to insurance it makes it easier for her to get new one with better offer. MMmmm its not mine and im not too sure with cars tho. I myself spent quite and amount this month.

Since my sister came back, im quite ok, feeling better having my nephew to ask me question bit and there and to hear them babbling. She is getting my kids today and my home will fill with laughter again and yes lively!

He call me early this morning to warn me about his phone being with her custody but he missed 2 minutes where ive just sent the SMS about tomorrow. I caught him in the afternoon when he suddenly spit it out from his throat. He was having problems since early this week and been trying to hide it from me.

You hide it from a wrong person. THo i cant see you but i read you clearly. Without calling, writing nor smsing. Yesterday, yes it was yesterday, "syg, engkaukah bulan di langit, teman dimalam yg sunyi, untuk seorang penanti... Syg... engkaukah mimpi yang indah, untuk jiwa yg gelisah. Dari serangkai doa. Kini, adakah kau mengerti syg, hatiku sedang merindu belaian kasih darimu. Syg... setelah lama kucari, baru kini ku temui, cinta yang suci murni..."

"Jgn dengarkan tangisanku, jgn indahkan gelisahku. Yg pasti pulangmu ada yang menanti dgn limpahan kasih sayang. Aku cuma angin sepoi yg lalu menyapa jasadmu membelai jiwamu. Rindumu ada yang mendengar, sejukmu ada yang merangkul, hangatmu diteduhi kasih yang PASTI. Aku cuma pungguk yg rindukan bulan sedangkan ianya jauh dicelah awan"

Now that i know what happens and i was quiet and what he said just now hurt me more. "Kalau dia memaksa abang terpaksa lepaskan..." i dont agree with him, and he wants to put down the phone. "If you run away might as well i go away from your life", i said. He disagree and he cant stand the situation and put it down.

Crucial and you know i dont feel anything. Now i have said what i want, and i have been there since i know you, i am here still and i will be here till HE take me back in HIS custody. So ill wait. Whatever decision you make please feel free to discuss with me....

16.42pm

Listening to: Awan Terpilu