Affection

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Penna: Lynna
Released: 190206 (1250am)
Mood: Cheerio

After 15 years more or less Ive got him on the line. I whoosh off all the pride aside just to be able to exchange news with him. It is great to be able to communicate again after so long.

Why didn’t I did that long ago? Restricted to my status … it makes both of us happy to be connected again. I don’t know for how long but im enjoying it now even if not for long. Im hoping I will still be friend forever. The smile that I cracked, the laughter that I hear was beautiful than I thought.

He was never into talking last time. He is always into thoughts and most of the time we were surrounded by his friend and mine. We were never able to talk to each other at all. The only thing I remember our time to be alone was a movie in REX one afternoon. I cant remember the title but yeah I was wearing white shirt and cream skirt.

He said I gave him a ring on his birthday… was it me or was it another girlfriend? He said I ignored him and not wanting him… was it me or was it him? I don’t know.. we are not able to express our feelings, our thoughts and most of all do we at all love each other?

This thoughts make me smile. He was still good looking as I know him before. The only things change is, he is now able to talk, able to cracked my laughter, he is able to say and express. Im not sure how many times did he say thank you, and every time he said that im going to charge him to buy me chocolates or flower… and if he were to say that again im gonna ask him to buy me a diamond ring I said… he laugh… he said I bought him once, although not as expensive but was that a proposal ring? I cant stand it and I laugh..

I cant even remember. All I know I gave few person a ring… Why? I don’t know… I cant recall and that few was him and Azwan…

May be the rest had never affect me and never leave that kind of thought that he does… I keep on remembering his smile, his look and I ask myself why was I never serious in relations once upon a time when I was teenager and especially with him…

I never do till now… I never trust that I guess… love only came to me when I want to make it happen … the love with my ex hb came after I marry him with a vow to make each other happy and to share the essence of love…

I tried after all, very hard and I do make him really love me… but do I really love him in the first place… Im not sure of the meaning… im still at lost…

What I am going to do now is just share the moments of happiness in my life and perhaps his life… Exchange stories and jokes once a while, call should I be free and received his call once a while too. I keep reminding him for not calling me when he is home, go home early to be with his family and always respect the other half.

I hear joy in his voice, happiness, and the expression of me wanting to talk to him again was overwhelmed I guess. He called almost everyday.. that worried me too… I looked forward to his call and he will find time to call me daily…

Please don’t let me fall for him again once more… what happen if it really does? I don’t know how to answer and handle this… Mr Poker will tell me cari penyakit again…

Nobody expect things that happens today… although we can refused it but then I don’t know really… im not sure why we are parted before… was it me or was it him… We just had a silent move on… When he mentioned that it was still early to talk about relations and he is still young that makes me take my heart away and pulled out slowly and expect him to call me and ask me to come back but he eventually did not…

And I never make an effort to call him too… I goes out with his friend which he knew that the other friend has been meaning to take me out long since I was with him… The friends around us always know if we were to go out together and they will be there around us too.

The moment of having them was the sweetest moment in my life… The whole attention was mine solely… They were very concern about me, caring and its sad that I have to make my own way after that without knowing the real reason… After all we were very young…

Now after 15 years, the essence of friendship, was it? Or what shall I write or say here… In his fourty, he is still the same ole boyfriend that I know whom has affected me with his gesture, personality and quietness.

The hands that holding mine, the lips that kissed my cheek was it still the same? The person who send me home and make sure im fine, was it still him? Am I in love again with an impossible moment and time… Only gods knows ….

You know how I yearn to touch you again, yearn to look into your eyes and find the moment of truth. Yes, I want to be in your warm embrace again, to feel your hand behind my back caressing me, to whisper that you care for me and love me… Will I see you again?? Should that be happening to me again…

Would I not be rational? Would I just take the opportunity? Would I just take the natures call? Why does he reach for me again after so long? Why when I thought of him, a few hours later I’ll hear his voice on the other end asking how am I? Would this impossible relations kills my curiousity? Would this impossible relations make me wanting him back just like old days with new vows??

Help me to answer this Naz… I just want some answer if it is not for all… I never said this before but im gonna say this now, I do miss you, your smile, your smell and your gesture…but at the very wrong moment.