Penna: Lynna
Released: 190606
Mood: Unknown
Category: Blogging
Was out last friday nite for teh tarik after hell of mouth argument with my boss. Freaking out of my patience at last i spit out whatever i have kept for 6 years being in that damn company. Why am i stil here still thats the big question? As usual i was home composed not letting anyone knows what the feel i have and serving everyone dinner after a hard day was just on the tips of the hand.
Knowing thats what my kids wants from me, i spare that short but quality time just to feed them with my own hand and see the smile makes me cool down. Not much then later R call and asking me to organise with the other friend of mine. If her husband is here i really rather have myself on my own without adding her into the picture.
She was trying hard to entertain, and rather selling me to a male friend to make him liking me, instead my feelings towards the ideas sucks. I hated that. I know what i want, the direction and what i am getting from my male encounter. I just want to be friend to him, not being someone who can get a supporter mentally or financially like what she thought i could be.
Yes, he was nice as friend, enjoyable company, fun, full of laughter, serious when he is suppose tobe. But it doesn't means thatshe can mix and match me with who ever she likes. Afterall he was my fren connection. While Syed being quiet, he is more aggressive on us.
But thats about all. When her hb call and she was caught in the situation and was telling all the bad things infront of my friend i was really taken aback and tell her to stop. That is when she slap me again on the situation that i was not being understandable and snapping me in front of my friend. I almost break down, if only the car was with me, i would just walk away and not coming back.
Poker, konat and pam was on the next table. They were having so much fun and laughter. I made and excuse to the bathroom and then move on to their table and share bit of their fun.
Life is so unpredictable. That was what i take on Friday for so much reason being a staff, friend to a best friend and to others. But at the end of the day i was blame again!
Saturday, 170606
Lai Meng School - Report card collection
Was so dissapointed by my daughter results. I really sulk and was quiet. Later i lock myself and write him sms. Out of three long message i only get "kesian abg". It was later when after 3 trial of dialing not answered and he called back. Just dont want to miss a day saying "i love you" i said and later telling me he was not well. Again i fall back for the feeling of having sympathy and wanting to be given the same attention.
I shouldn't be! later when i told myself. Crying until i was asleep when i hear the phone call from T that she is on the way picking me up. I wake up clearing my tears, hug my kids, and off i went to work again now with a wedding planner. After 3 hours "pelamin", arch and the main table is set beautifully. Dinner in Kg Baru and home. Was so tired with all the emotional attack, after showering i still cant get myself to sleep.
Widi call to ask for teh tarik, without hesitation i said yes. 10pm we were at Shira in ampang and later we were at Bora Ombak. As i was sitting down, i heard "sexynya nak kemana ni". I was like huh, "tshirt and jeans was just the normalities right" i said. Hmmm and then my parfum was the next comments. I challenge Denk of the definition sexy and teruja. I was just laughing and answer them the way it should be without being said anything else. We move on to Bora merely because we need some music while talking. We were bored later when it was close they asked me to go for snooker. Sorry guys, thats not my bread and i excuse myself from them only to know later Brewball is closed. Still my eyes cant shut for the day despite the tiredness and the pain of anger of my daughter had caused.
Sunday, 180606
Very early R called for morning walk which i ignored. I wake up making nasi lemak for my kids and have him in mind. After serving i go back to my room thinking again. What should be next. Tried calling same thing 3 times no answer i give up and later he call me back asking why did i not pick up. I did not bring the phone. I was out meeting R to take the thumbdrive. Why did i always put aside my feelings while people always take me for an advantage?
5pm i was there thinking whether i should just pass over to him and go for that wont make him feel guilty to his family. Yes, i thought of that again my manner dont allow me to hurt his feelings that way. I drove down to the park while my first intention was to be in Jusco, Klang. It was just not my week, i was telling myself. While he enjoy the food my sensitive feelings came back after sharing with him the discussion with my daughter teacher in school yesterday. Everything was poured with my tears dripping. He stop eating and put it off and told me past, is past. Easy said than done but yeah i know life goes on. Im will not sharing my tears again with you abang. If i can always remember that and make my tears swallowed deep in me, i shall do that again.
Pain are not to be shared but laughter yes. I will remember this always. I was actually craving for the warm hug, like i hear that earlier "cry when im around, so that i can hug you" was i purposely crying that day. I was trying hard not to cry infront of anyone, and i am successful but that day. One day has passed i have not released all of it yet. My tears is still full in my heart, wet, gloomy and shady.
Perhaps Yus was right, while other people take it and pour and divert it into something else like having fun, retaliate, rebel and being objective but i dont. Part of me wanted to get out of there but part of me still remember i am a girl who was taught with religion, adat, and i was granted a brain to choose between good and bad. Let me just stay as i am, too kind to hurt, too good to retaliate. perhaps i should think of the stage 3 option and also changing lane procedure. But when i launch that would i be able the same person as i am 38 years ago or i will be someone new with sinful attachement.
TEXT THAT I LIKE TO KEEP …
Be it who I am, what I am, where I am, I just want to STRESS it again that I do what I believe it is right for me not for anyone. If they cross my path and the path doesn’t suit them, please go ahead where the next path is so much better to offer you. What ever life that ive gone through was the life that I choose. With my own principal, dignity, price and pride. One can only say, but one don’t go through what I went through, and I don’t go through what you’ve gone through. Those what I like to pick in a day, ill pick just to have what I feel best for you. And the rare gems will be discovered as and when I need it with HIS blessing of course.
If you want to comments about my life, please do but don’t change me the facts that you can’t for when I come into your life, I will not change anything because when I like you, it means what I discover. Change means wont do good for me nor for you for I can find in another person who suit best in individu’s.
A comment from my old chatter who tried to take me out in a private place which i turn down.
And you have to stop the philosophical dribble...other people know and have lived life's lessons as well...just be straight with what you want and say it. Don't beat around the bush and leave nebulous statements. You know what some of the chatters think of you....some of them write to make comments on some people on they...and they've said that your messages are so depressing...they don't want to be reminded that they are alone as well...they are having fun, you are not. And i'm not saying this to get into your pants. I'm not interested in what you don't want to give...and that goes with anybody.
AGAIN>>>>>what you say and how you say it...will put off people who may be sincerely interested in you
You are too sensitive....you really have to look very hard at yourself and be honest with yourself...understand your limitations, communicate with honesty and integrity. My words are not harsh, they painfully straight.
more to ur personality. Ur boobs and long legs comes 2nd. Ur dress contribute not much....cos no matter what u wear, ur boobs always becomes an attention. Then comes with on how you carry urself....
Friend: cobaaaaaannnnn
Friend: u ketawa pasal u sengsara sembunyikan kepedehan
Friend: u r one of those type play hard to get or
Friend: learned ur lesson after what had happened to u
_________________________________________________________
Was i being hard to myself. Was i creating a split personality. I was hurt, yes, the fact the the acknowledgement i had from people was not the way i wanted it to be. I dont want to be addressed as sex symbol for my appearance, i wasnt like to be taken advantage for the fact i like to help whenever i can. Testament is always there for me... thank god, im blessed.............
15.53pm
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