Blame it On ME!

Current mood: bouncy

I have rant about this before and i like to ramble abt it again.
I was once married and offered the darling hubby to find second wife should he find me not enough in terms of satisfying his needs, pampering him, or did not do enough to take care of his children as he wished.

But now, everything seems to be all laid out nicely to each and everyone of his family and mine. As if im the one who was the reason of the collapsing castle of our marriage surely there lot of reason n loophole somewhere. But there is none and its all answered one by one the more they asked the more they got the answer slowly. It has been three years. And I have gotten back my smile, my life, passion and destiny of life.

Since he is gone be it hb or bfriend now they know why I was treating each and everyone the same. Even I was thrown far from families but I did not cut the values to still contacting them. Even they smirk upon my arrival and spit on the face. I will always remember this is my time to be there, to get spanking but the pain will only remind me of reason why they have to do it. To hold the grudge on them? No! I will not know when will I be the one whom they turn their head off again to be there for them in any case.

What im trying to say here is. Things happen with reason. There is no point for me to blame anyone of the fall. I was the one who are fully responsible for it. When it was still in front of my eyes, I take advantage of certain things and hoping mistake will be amended when he find out its wrong without me even bother to speak it up or tell him. I swallowed everything. Yeah my aunt said I was stupid.

To support a man since the beginning of marriage. Marriage is to share, to work things out while he cant do it and I was granted with brains and attitude to work hard n HE pays me out in giving increment or even promotion. I climb my career path very fast than any other people in the company.

Being Malay in multinational company it was not very very easy for them to trust me to be someone who can talk, work and prove to them for some reason. So I took that opportunity to grab what granted. With that amount I pays almost all without caring about what he should do about us and his responsiblity. I still can save, I still can buy my own car, make tailored dress, give mom and dad money and take them holiday and that make me feel good about doing things I love to do. Not to forget his parents for I love them just like I love mine.

He was flattered till he forgets where does he belong. But again I should have reminded him but I did not. Who cares while I can do it why should I make him worried. When he sleep I wont let any of the kids near him nor make noise, when he wake up I make sure he is stuff with food nicely before I can ask him to take me anywhere I want. When he gets enough sleep and he is not hungry, he can be the nicest person I know. And not to mention ready whenever he needs me. That was fair so long he is nice. I don’t ask for moon or star which is impossible to reach.

When it comes to arguing or something, I never can sleep without tackling the matters. I will confront him, will compromise, will sacrifice what I can. Even sometimes if it was not my mistake I will always ask for forgiveness, never I would sleep in his angry mood. I will always sleep in his arms after being forgiven for my silly act, stupidity or may not be mine at all. Perhaps because of that he thinks he is always right. But it is for our own good. We seldom make sour face to each other. When I cook, he washed the clothes until finish. When I put the kids to sleep he folded the clothes or even iron them.

It’s the way of togetherness that I thought him every night before I go to sleep. He was hard in the beginning but he has a soft hard only if one knows way to get to him. I tackle that somehow in my own way. Always……

Its not hard to get to know men, to get into his heart, his mind and soul. Just give him an opening, a way to be near you and then be smart to play your game. Men cant leave without a women for all of us know the reason why. That’s is why god is creating Eve for Adam and make her from his ribs to be near him not to topple him.

When one day I said this is not the way it should be, he was shocked. I never raised my voice, I never make a face, but I when I refused to pay his debt he make a lot of fuss and become angry. I used to pay all n when I stop and turn away after few years he is not happy. There is where I find out im at the wrong pace for the space I create for him was way too comfortable for him. Very very much comfortable. Anyway its not the subject anyway. I from the beginning was wrong to deal in that so I take it as a lesson to learn next.

What I want to say is, it is not hard to teach man a lesson. You have to get a way, a way to his heart, a way to his soul, a way to his mind. Tackle all this three things he is all yours.

You tackle his lust you are only making yourself a whore. Tackling his mind only to make him said you topple him somehow to be a leader of his kingdom (queen control). Tackling his heart only making him said that you are after his wealth and fortune.

Well it was back then. Now he knows he cant get anyone to replace the same me. Tho he had done so much to make me comeback for the kids and so much for him. But I wasn’t ready for his jealousy, insecurity, inferiority and back to the same den I was before. I was scared I cant be the same old me to him. Tho I wanted very much to pleased my children in that terms of having parents in one roof.

It means I have to sacrifice double of the happiness I had before and now.

I am very much thinking of him lately. Since the opening of visiting his dad last raya, I saw he has change to his real self before knowing him.

He is unable to keep all the good stuff while he was with me. His sis in law was feeding all about me. I cried when I look at his dad and his living condition now. He cant remember who am I n the kids. He often said to my sis is his son divorced? I wish I could look after him like old days and make him laugh like usual. I miss his mom dearly that makes me visit her graveyard last raya.

Do I miss him in the very first place? And the weird dreams I have last week about him and a girl was really disturbing. I urge his sis to tell him to marry her off quickly so that he has someone to look after him and that can make him forget me.

Dear darling I wish all the happiness. Should you have married her and if you want to come back I might consider for I don’t want to be the only person in your life now. I want to concentrate on my angels and I can only share a bit of me. Or perhaps god has something better for you and me n the kids.

All in all he was not to be blame solely for what happen it was me. I take that lesson to share more next time. Should I be given a chance.

Date released: 121205 (19.55pm)
Mood: Bouncy