Penna: Lynna
Released: 10th May 2006 (in conjuction of Shira's bday)
Mood: Mixed (Thanks to Shiras loving embraced to wiped my tears)
Abang,
;-)
I keep this very long because I love it very much, but then its time to let it go because of the love I keep for it. And the recipient happens to be you. Its nothing important actually just some souvenir that you can keep, should I am not here with you again.
This time will not be like the last where we would be just fading away from one another without any solid reasons. Perhaps by now you know what I want, what I need, what I expected.
I know, I could never get as much as I wanted because the real me wont allow me to take you away from anyone. Will never do that unless you would want to prove me that I am worth for you to be with.
But then again im sure you wont be able to let go of them for me, because the future of being with me is unseen. While, what you capture and have with them was already blessed with joy and happiness. Though there is something not right but the joy will have already overcome any sadness in your life now.
Something in future that we can’t predict and see is already there in the book of fate. Trust in HIM, for all the hardwork done will be paid sooner or later.
Perhaps mistake was not there before but I am learning my lesson of what, why and reason for choosing you or a married man to be with. But more n foremost was the passion for kids that makes me fall immediately for you again after 15 years.
Yes, you raised a question of our togetherness before whether I enjoy being with you. Part of me saying I do, another half saying I shouldn’t. And yes I did it, because I really want it and it happens to be you.
My nights goes by, thinking of what can we achieve after this. On your side, it wont be as much as mine as I have gone through lots of hell in my life. But it never makes me give up on life especially when it comes to my children. WILL NEVER DO.
I don’t know why am I tested as such but im sure HE knows better than I do. And HE knows what best for me and you. If things doesn’t goes well with us, one thing I want you to know, please don’t offend me and make me feel that you have used me to the extend that you’ve gotten what you have not taken before. What have I left before for Zahar, what have I made him to be for now, what has he taken from me, what has he left for my children was so much of pain and sweet memoires. Only HE should know what to give in my later life, insyaallah.
Most people said I am not grateful enough when I am granted with something in my favour. I took them for what they are, may it is just the way I should take because when I really wanted to have them in my life they will turn around me and leave me. In your case im not sure when, where, will there be or not. As much as I wanted to make you mine, the other side of me saying “do I not felt for her feelings, do I not feel for your children, do I not feel for your family?”. Why am I so selfish, greedy and selfcentred? While there’s many men aching to have me, keep on continuing asking me in their hand of relations or marriage but then again,, heart can only answer to one and can only take what I’ve open up for.
The day I said yes to meet you again was the day that I regretted till now, for if I don’t see you, it will not sparks again neither to you nor me. Why did you want to come back to me, to renew, to continue? You have so many reason for that you said but never one ever heard to my ears. Never!!!
You know that I will be haunted for the rest of my life of the action I took for calling you again after so many years. Why did I look for you when I know you never make an effort to do such? Why it is always the question I asked to myself than to get it from you?
You, you would never talked! You would never say it. I think now I know why I fade away from your life last time. You know why??? Because I never had an answer to my question asked to you. You prefer to sealed it within you, you prefer to keep silent and watched me from far. You rather sulk and let me pick the wrong guy and cry for the rest of my life. Can I blame you for what happened?? Am I being fair to you?
Did you ever asked yourself what did I get so far after I come back to you? Yes, you did ask me “didn’t I love you, didn’t I make time for you? Didn’t I create a space for you?”. Put yourself in my shoe like I always did to be you. You know how guilty I am to be there as you? You know how much I felt for her and how much I felt for you when you have to lie when you are with me. You know how much I wanted to run away from that situation? You know that I am strong enough to overcome all the feelings I have but do you know how much I cried all day, all night to feel better and to tell myself I am not doing anything wrong as I am fated to be in it.
No! I was wrong I have a choice and I can decide but why am I taking this path to lead my life now? Why did I not let it go, and continue with my life with others. It is very difficult to decide although I have a choice. Cheerish the love we had, cherish the love, you know its not easy. It is taxing you and nurturing love has to come within us. As much as I tried to do it everyday but you know I still felt for her.
Someone said this to me:
“Don't mix your feelings and her feelings. Your predicament is not the same as hers. She had her chance. You will have yours too. Everyone had equal chance to prove their worthiness in this world. The terms and conditions are different for you both.
You have to decide for your life and he has to decide for his. But if he's not man enough to decide, don’t let it spill into yours. Give yourself a time frame. If he doesn’t make the move, then you need to. Only for what matters in your life.
Don't over-analyze! Take things at face value and accept what is fated to you. You cannot run away from takdir; it will keep chasing you. If it's meant to be, if not with z or naz, it will be someone else.
I should not take her feelings into my consideration as I should . I shouldn’t be feeling for her or even for you. I should be taking my chances accordingly as that is what HE has for me. Otherwise HE wont be making us meeting again.
Abang,
Till now I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how much I can still survive loving you in your way. My way will be faded if I am not shown or proved that I am worth or important in your life. Yes I am feeling insecure, yes I am feeling inferior but for the integrity that I should be having to feel worth by loving you is in your hand.
If I ever asked so much from you, please don’t hesitate to let me know. I’ll just be a shadow in you life. Very near yet so far, far but yet just as close to you. In my heart theres HIM to make known to me that you are very close and near to me all the time ever since you need me.
But I need some assurance that I am worth for to be there for you… lets just see whether you are strong enough to decide and making your choice. A constant change in life is something that we have to adhere in getting what we want. In that case, come what may and I am not hesitating to turn around should I need to do that again one day…
As much as I wanted you, I just want it clear and real and never again assuming, predicting and hoping… I hope my statement is clear and delivered to you. As to how are you going to achieve, I leave it all in your hand and to HIM. I’ll pray day and night for HIM to give me courage and strengths to get me through if it is really meant for me HE will give it to me no matter how pain, sour and hard is it going to be…
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