Category: Life, Goals and Hope
Penna: Lynna
Released: 3 0th April
Mood: Bezerk…
Reading, cooking, eating, entertaining and thinking is as much as I can do for this few days in conjunction with the long holiday. The teatime with Yati and Eza was good on Saturday over the heavy rain in Naili’s having cucur bilis and coffee. Chat friends from Sg. came all the way to have a conversation face to face after communicating mostly on internet. It went very well and beautiful. Thanks for sharing the enjoyable evening.
Later I took them to Petaling Street for their shopping spree retreat where Simone was waiting to take over. I head home for next plan. I was tired, lazy and aimlessly looking over the nite. Thought still pacing with lots of things but to no direction and nothing to effect my daily amusement.
Theres no feel for the day. Damn… about 12am then the feel is there, to on the music slowly enjoying the quietness and the rhythm of the night. Anuar Zain with Belain Jiwa, Rossa with Tegar, Sheila on 7 with Berhenti Berharap, Broery Marantika with Biarkan Bulan Berbicara, Gun N Roses with Sweet Child is Mine, Ning Baizura with Awan Terpilu, Marc Anthony with My Baby You and the list goes on till I retreat to the bedroom with Amani, Eiman, Shira and Liyana.
It was not the sleep that I’ve always waited. In between the sleepless mind and awaken thoughts I closed my eyes till the familiar ringing tune came inviting my smile. With a lazy hello, I greeted him with a question why at 2.30am he need me to talk to him while he should be in his fantasy or lala land.
“I teringat kat Shira!” erk, shira? “And why calling me?” I said…
“Suddenly I remembered her face and her gesture when she greet me whenever I come over”
Shira has always knows how to tackle someone close to me with her aura and attitude. Creating attention and her own persona and way. I know she craved for dad’s love but then it shouldn’t be going to anyone or just everyone. But I noted, if that someone was not close or even near to me, she is more being protective than giving or creating attention.
Was I needing a man to support my children? I heard someone said that. While he was the one trying to get my attention and using my kids to get to near me, then it was twisted the other way round. Men!!!
Was I using my children to get them? Neh, I don’t need that and shouldn’t be. I have my own way, to get in, to slip out, to tickle in, to get out etc. What I have to do was just enlighten myself and not to be so serious with anyone I meet, give myself in a little bit and with my charm and personality. He will be mine. But I have problems with my heart. Difficulties to accepting just everyone in between the space I have was hard. Countless time I tried to try to give in, creating the space for them, or even just to give a time for the first date, its difficult.
When kids subject was brought to me, I took time to answer and explain. Should there is a chance, time and hope insyaallah… I as always wanted to carry, to smell, to feed and to love a baby again. Who with? Definitely with someone who loves me, someone who would like to share my life, my soul and destiny with me. When? When only I am permitted to have the chance, the space and time to be a new mother again. Insyaallah… I would love to…
I got affected with something or someone I know long ago or has been there for long or known them as and when we met. I take time to learn about people, to accept people, to give in to people.
When he came back to my life, when he started to say “I love you” countless time a day, I was just smiling hearing those words. I know I was not being fair for not returning to him but its just difficult to say without a feel.
Time after time I’ve been asking myself was I really still have the feel for him, although I was before and eventually, it came back seeping slowly, languorously, pacing and dancing my mind, heart and soul.
Loving the tenderness, the care, the attention, the passion, the affection and compassion. Pure and passionate was what I felt towards him. The feel that I kept. Although I was hard, rough, playfull but then again I would say to know me is to love me. A window to my heart is a window to my soul.
People love and hate honesty at the same time. Why? Because they can’t find where they belongs to. Love and destiny can’t get along while love acquires lots of pain but destiny acquires lots of passion. In life we can’t have all at once. Its either one. I learn to accept what comes and don’t ask much but always be thankful for what I’m given and granted. HE knows the best for me, you and everyone…
Time spent with the kids for 3 full days was excellent, beside having Hafiz, Shafikal and Shafizi everyone of them was enjoying each others company while I was enjoying my day with T.
Holiday was only spent indoor not outdoor like I used to be before. Its merely because of my health condition, body resistance was not like the days before I went through the operation.
I feel like beaten up, sleep was never normal, and I get tired easily while body was bloated with wind and water. Once I get back to normal, I’ll have to work it up again like those days before hopefully. Insyaallah…
12.20am
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