Inner Feed 1

Penna: Lynna
Released: 31 May 05
Mood: Ups and Down & Cheerio

Category: Blabbering

Was hammering my head over what to do after office hours yesterday and Rome called to inform there is no jam at all way back to Desa Pandan. I smile and ask her to accompany me for a drink for at least lunch that due. Shes almost home and i called Niza. She says hubby already at the door while im almost reaching her place. No choice i parked my car and went in to see her. He son is already 6 months old and look fairer now. At first he cried when i craddle him in my arms and later his smile soothe the pain of missing my children. Later on his smile become wider and he become friendlier than before. The ache of having baby again crushing my heart and thoughts. Will i be able to gave birth, to smell my baby, to love, to nurture. Would there be a man whom would make passionate love to me and let his seed grows in my womb. Letting me to embrace, carry him/ her for 9 months and 10 days. Would i? I open up my heart again for someone who is dear to me once upon a time. As much as i am pouring and giving, although i dont get the same. I still do cheerish the love i have, nurture, pampering it each day, time and moment.
I was lectured by Niza last nite. The long conversation and talks over coffee was really makin gme think again and again. Support and advice from friends are really valuable. A moment later Yatee came looking good and extravagance. Swallowing my saliva looking at her appearance and face make her smile widen. Collagen and Vitamin C injection really make her looks good. Beautiful, radiant and ravishing. I adore her, envy her. Although she has a husband but she can manage to have a boyfriend who bank in not less than RM3000 a month besides shopping spree allowance, travelling allowance, new handphones each month etc. I almost drop my jaw. My silly question splurtted from my mouth "dont you have to sleep with him Tee". She laughed her heart out. "Na, i dont give them a face, i took them to a public place and if i make them kiss my foot too they'll do it for me". Heck they does!!! Hurt! that was what i feel.
Was a man suppose to be so degrable when craving a women. I guess its vice versa. No further question to it. Now i know where am i lacking. Courage, wit and feeling of wanting to do it or not is in my hand. At this stage, i value human, i value pride, i value dignity and i value my price of life, value of my independency. Although im not as rich, but i can live moderately, i can have fun with frens, i can share my thoughts with my kids and i have a lot of things. I should be thankful to HIM. For at least HE still do test me in each and everyway AND i'm appreciating that very much.
Each and everyday he send me one person with marriage proposal, indecent proposal, or even just to have dinner or movie. On which i have never given any space for anyone when i have my mind on someone.
Niza lectures was right. I am not answering to anyone. I have no husband to seek permission for. She wants me to enjoy my independency and my freedom while i am single. Be with anyone who love to have my company, no matter what she said "if he do really love you, he will still be bond to you emotionally, adore you, respect you for who you are."

My mind was not there with me but was everywhere. Thoughts wondered here and there. Between the needs and wants. Between those I crave and things I yearn for. No one really knows what I WANT in life. Besides the friends I have, the family who standing behind although I don’t really come to them for help, the kids who always open up their arms to hold me whenever they spot a slight water in my eyes.

Do I really have someone who really loves me? WHO? How? When? Where? Heart ache whenever I ask this question. Sometime I feel I shouldn’t ask but then again the question was asked to me if I don’t. Its how friend concern about me. My well being, my vulnerability, fragility, frens that really care. Everytime I think of what they said I almost choke.

THis morning Rome with her long lectures makes me hesitate over a decision. She really bang my head onto thinking some rationality of things that unseen. Would I want to be in the same shoe when Zahar left me for another woman. Would I sulk over the whole situation after he suck me dry on monetary and love wise on my children side and not to mention the effect on me aftermath.

Perhaps I was too kind to everyone and I failed to see or choose whom deserve my speciality. Does god differentiate everyone?? Perhaps yeah, that’s why some people are rich some are poor, some are good, some are bad but can we change to someone that we don’t like to be?? The answer was with me. Yesterday I read somewhere, mistake are repeated until u learn something. Bit by bit I think of the reason and rationality behind it. No it was not wrong to do good deed but to look at the implications at ownself first than anyone else that was the real reason same mistake was repeated by me.

I know I don’t have much but I still want to give a lending hand. And people would say im stupid, perhaps yeah I am but that was just me. The stupid ME…
THis morning Rome with her long lectures makes me hesitate over a decision. Giving my thoughts over and over again hurts me inside. Aching that i actually cant help much of the situation but i do wanted to give what i have.

Going home to the empty house was really boring. 2 days passed without my children voice, warm embrace, "good nite ibu, i love you", having Eiman in my cuddle, having to bite Amani's cheek, without Shira under my arms, without Nana demanding for tea, really making me crazy and so sensitive. Tears was my closest friend now. Missing my ownself, missing my jovial self, missing my bubblish character, missing my happy go lucky person, missing my own personality. Is it true i cant leave without my kids. They will one day leave me somehow for a good reason of course. I rather be out on the road driving alone, or be in the car crying with the craving needs of a company of my children.

Company? Yeah, just call them, they would love to come anytime, anywhere. But my vulnerability, and being fragile was not a good reason for me to be with anyone now. I might just fall into his arms for a one night stand or non-commital relations that might make me regret later. Not again. There are many around infact daily message came in, feeding, pissing me but as friend i just whoosh them aside.

"Come on farm give urself a break" One said...
"Ugh uhhh did i not?".
"U probably need a good rub down" firm says

Maybe i choose a wrong person. I know its difficult, i still do challenge my credibility of having to love. But to be loved?? It is in his hand and HIM the almighty.

17.35pm