One Love One Life

Category: Needs, Wants & Desire

Penna: Lynna
Released: 11^th May 2006
Mood: Sad

I was confused when I think of what had make me becoming like this. Me with the colourful life is so conflicting now. My mood swing changed every now and then. After 38 years of life only did I realized I am a very pampered lady. Like a small girl who whine and craved for attention at times. I would do anything to make sure I am attended in my own way. I always had a way. But the way of showing it now is wrong, I whine, I am being aggressive, I am being bitter, I am being hard, why am I turning to the other side of me.

I have lost that before once and now after so many years when I think about who has make me feels this way and when I found him again after that many years being silent in my way. Yes, he never did change in his way. He is still the quiet, unexpressive person that I know before. Now I know why I sulk and marry a wrong guy because of his silence.

Of my manner and demeanor, being happy go lucky, being bubbly, being smiley clown all the time now I know why I become those characters. I was hiding my real self in that personality. I am the one who always wanted to be sitting there overlooking at the horizon for a spot that connects between heaven and earth, between earth n sky, between reality and fantasy.

I am creating a space for myself to be somewhere that I don’t belong to. The space creation are just to fulfill my crave, my needs, my intention to be who I want to be. Although I have come to a phase that I am a survivor to an extend I have gotten just about anything.

Money, career, kids, family, love, pride, dignity, passion, compassion, lust, desire, fantasy and reality are all in a package of my life.

It has been so colourful and beautiful with rains and rainbow in between. Although sunshine sometimes was accompanied with thunderstorm but I am blessed and thankful that I am chosen to have experienced it all.

Perhaps its not time for me yet to reside and be happy ever after. My patience over my ex has paid when he now no longer come and harassed but realize that he has missed those part in life that irreplaceable. Neither do mine, I wont be able to be back in that situation and place, even if I could insyaallah I will never want to be there again. Even he has changed. Do changed for someone else but not me.

Today Stone came back with his lovey dovey words and his idea of getting near me to take me to be his wife. Lan keep on pestering me to come to Kuantan with him to start building a new path of relationship. Those stuff has been build within me but my heart can’t except you since the beginning. Reason being was just purely lust even with Mohd. Being second wife is one thing but coming to me for one reason was a bad idea.

Your package isn’t matching mine at all. Although all of you has solid financial background but your mental and solidity is not enough to convinced me that a leader are what you are made for.

I just want to be somebody who I can be with clean fun and no emotional bondage tied. I am emotionally bonded with someone I met, years ago, whom I was in love with before and still overwhelmed with his affection. Although I tried to erased that many times, waving him away from me but I know somehow I never did had a chance to show him I was in love with him, I was affected by his quietness, by his eyes, by his feelings in his silentness.

I made him feel guilty today by accusing and blaming him for picking the wrong path of life with his silentness once ago but then after I think about it again I was being selfish and never took ‘takdir’ that makes life such way and HE has made us meet again to renew the vow. I am somehow are the greedy, selfish and selfcentred idiot that makes his life miserable.

But I still love him though, still missing him and still wanting and needing him till this very moment. Although I can’t be there for him most of the time but I thought of him every now and then and think why HE meant it such way. In between difficulties, happiness, sorrow, joy and pain but my contentment is still there holding and enveloping him in my desire to own, to love and to nurture even I know the future is unpredictable. It is always in HIS hand to decide. Have faith lynna!!!

1.05am