Guts

Category: Goals, Plans & Hope

Penna : Lynna
Released: 14^th May 06 (in conjuction to Mothers Day)
Mood: Mixed N Confused

Since the message came from dearest fren, I sit in the corner of my bed thinking of the situation I am having now. Torn in between my needs and want, torn in between him, torn in between the junction and dilemma I should take.

The constant pace in my life now giving me the hesitation of what I should do or decide the choice of mine. SHOULD I MAKE the decision or choice.

What happen to them and what I am advising was always a conflict in life of mine. How I gave them the peace of mind was always the situation I should rethink in my current situation. My present life and choice that I take to in being seconder to him has always making me a moody person, sensitive and selfish.

Thoughts after thoughts, reflection after reflection and the objective was not in my direction. I have to wait, wish, hope and plea to HIM. I did istikharah 10 months ago and I have the direction of what I have left before. I was glad and happy till I met Naz again few months ago.

Now in between love and sympathy towards him, her and his family and the most is for me, I am left without any answer. I know what I want, but I am torn. Not between two lovers, but torn with my inclinations, decision and choice. I took what comes, and I thought of the consequences, again im facing a dilemma. Although he knows I never pressured him, but the guilty feelings in me hurting me all the time and its affecting him where nowadays I never keep it inside me anymore. He doesnt want me to say things like that. I told him what I need to say although he dont like it. I have to, I never want to repeat my mistake again for not saying what I feel, what I want or what I need to do.

I was hurt by myself not him. Yes, he love me unconditionally, before, now and may be in future but me I have the doubts whether I should return the love like I did before. Yes, I still do love him before, now and will always do in my very own way.

Suddenly when I was in the small room I thought of this piece. A guts that a guy should have before marrying another woman while having a wife. Putting myself in his shoe of the needs and wants for him to be able to achieve and make sure it is safe in hand.

How would a man have those guts while I know man hardly have chance to voice out their feelings to his woman sometime. They find someone else to talk about it and someone who can listen and give an idea of what should be done or not.

I was there to listen, I was there to hear, I was there to give an opinion but when it comes to myself, I was shaky. In between what I should do, should I continue, should I stop or should I just let it flow. Slowly I am retreating myself from him, but the hardest it feels to say no should it comes to meeting him and avoid him. Why I still keep the feeling for him, and why I am feeling guilty? Why cant a woman love the man she likes, the man she love? No one can answer this question except him and her. It is not by how others judging them, look at them. It is how they feel for each other.

How woman with guts at time really make one world rocky, scary and shattered. Women are as strong as man, as bitch as a dog, as selfish as one can say but when it comes to yourself, only you would know.

Countless time I told him, he should let me go before time are very crucial for us and before the cuts goes deeper especially after she would find out whats happening between us, before she slashed me with her words like the two women before this.

Am always waiting for those moment to come again. Then this time I will give my piece of mind. My very own, up, close and personal why did I choose to be seconder. Was I being fair to myself, to him, to her or to other people. First and foremost is ME. Was I before, now and will I be?

NanaNaNa dont phunk with my heart says Black Eyes Peas, yes I am able to just turn around, wipe my tears and walk straight chin up n forget yesterday. I will be but after very much of thoughts. My finale! I would be your crying shoulder says, Goo Goo Dolls, yes, ill listen to you as I always do, with my word of wisdom you would be able to smile again. You have nothing to loose, none except my existence only. Am I not there all this while. Because of You, Because of you, I never stray too far from the sidewalk, because of you, I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt, Because of you, I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me, Because of you, I am afraid, because of you Ku Cobalah Untuk Setia, Kris Dayanti preying. Apalah maumu kasih, kau pilih diriku ini.

1.20am