Dairy of me 06th - 08 March 06
Penna: Lynna
Released: 060306
Mood: OK (shira cakap!)
Would I allow to be hurt again?
Would I want to sacrifice again?
Would I want to let him love?
I did in which even if I don’t, even if I’m just mocking up. Even if I just lied he will still love me. I don’t know.
I know, I am never serious last time. Because I didn’t know how he feels about me. Now I know, how sure I am, I don’t know. All I can say is, prove me. Make those illusions or dreams once ago as real and alive that I can feel, I can touch, I can have in reality, not anymore fantasy or illusions.
If you want to have me, hold me, touch me, reach me, then come to me. How real it is, it is all in your hand, in your dreams, in your heart.
Love and affection has hit him the day I met him again. I wanted to trust whatever you said now but no, not until you prove me you are standing by me, holding my hand and take me to the destination. The journey may take long but if you allow us to go thru the hurdles and bumps, insyaallah it will be ours. Keeping my positive attitude all the time makes me feels good besides being sensible to everyone including him. To give my support, motivations and booster just like what I had from my friends before, always give me a good feelings to be supportive individual to him or to anyone.
He showed his affection towards me infront of the kids like the luring eyes did once ago. He never showed he is scared that would be spotted by anyone knows him or the other half which worried me most. I could feel his love flowing, passionate, alluring at times.
Scared, yes I am indeed. What If I don’t have way to return, or he would pull away? I take what comes, the consequences is in my hand, in both hands.
Day 1 – Lgkw…
The only call today about 10am telling me he is just board on jetty and no more next call… Poker told me about his good news. Im glad, it work somehow miracly just the way I prayed and hope. I can feel the joy and happiness of both…
Niza somehow pestering me on how I should enjoy my life. Hmmm I’m still thinking over it my dear gal.. Acot call me later when I tickle him a bit and Firm sms me immediately as I mingle around his mind.
Well its easy actually, once I enlighten a bit but not all. T called to check on status of her info. My god I forgot, sorry dear fren. One phone call, got connected and info gotten and delivered to her straight. Good luck dear gal, I wish you best…
Day 2…Lgkw
It was a miserable day today… as much as I can gather in the office dealing with my Nestle report, Milestone projects and British Council on hand. She get panicky and agitated just because she forgot to delegate.
Neh it bothered me nothing… You delegate, instruct and share with your staff you’ll gain. You keep it and get angry over me, I wont react anything! Its nothing, that I know to put me in together, should you tell me earlier I could have remind you… but alas that would never make me important to you too.. it never makes any different actually..
At the same time I am missing teasing, lecturing and listening to him. Am I seriously infected? I can still remember what I said “we will see who will mellow first and who can stand the heat”, yes I take that challenge… God, yes only god knows how I feel… arggghhhh it is better than climaxing I guess… hahahhah
This adventure is really testing my nerve… whether I accept this challenge to be in my life is another story… besides building my life again with the immediate family members, relatives and at least my ex husband…
Somehow people will learn thru hardway if it is not in the easiest way… learning is my way daily to understand life. I still have so much to learn why there is day and night.
What’s the different between heaven and hell and why adultery is banned while everyone loves it… stupid question, some would say but to understand, it will be very much easier for everyone.
When we are told to pray daily for five times, most of us do it without hesitation in due course that we are told to do so and we will be granted heaven in afterlife..
Along the way of finding the truth of what Islam all about. People have their own opinions of understanding it their way. For every question asked, there will always be an answer and reason …
At about 9pm call came in “hi sayang, abang rindu” hahahahha
Was I suppose to be happy or angry? No, I was in controlled… that’s what I know at least.. “Sorry sayang... bendahari is always around, I catch this opportunity to call you”. I keep on telling him to go back to where he is and never call me again and I laugh at him. Guess he is disappointed but then hehhhe I cant do anything beside laughing. “One more day, we will be talking like usual again”, he said.
I wanted to say, “dare you calling me when she is around?” Yes, he would, so I wouldn’t dare to challenged him… He is nice, concern, he was still the same person I met 15 years ago. He is fonder than before and expressive. And that amused me a lot. Im looking to the opposite site. Will he gets angry or jealous? Erm yup he did shows when one day he ask me of a persons name and when one night there’s many phone call I have to entertain, he was making a remarks how busy I am entertaining my friends. Yeah what the heck its Friday night. A night where the employee would have dizzy head till morning, would be singing till wee hours and for love bird dating *sigh*. (when is my turn).
Put3 would be smiling again nowadays… hey we will be walking briskly in Ampang this weekend are we? I am looking forward to…
How easy and simple things are nowadays for me since I found the clear picture of my aims and goals. Although the daily hick up is there but I keep my faith going smoothly.
My chat with arif was good. Next thing I do was to make a claim to my office for the long overdue. Time to get moving before I get myself on the bed. Theres a cold blood rushing daily when I think of it… Thursday I’m going for blood test again.
My heart beating faster again. They told me not to worry. Its only minor while actually it’s a major one.
Friends keep on telling me to change my car to sporty ones. But I’m thinking more on practicality on my budget and usage… with the people around me and my “tak apa” attitude will always put me in trouble.
I was offered of the Kia Carens at my affordable price but I’m still hesitating. I care more about my home where all the love begins…
I wanted to be an Emcee, I told my children. Nana laugh at the idea. I know she like it but when I said I can be anywhere at anytime and its hard to see me she just smiled and pursed her lips.
Yeah, who doesn’t like life to be famous and fame. But the quality of being a person, career woman and most importantly was being a mother. Not many people think of that values.
Glamour and fame can be bought and find anywhere in this world. But would you find a child out of the fame. When I read a blog of a pregnant woman, my motherly feelings brought me back to be in the situation. Where laziness affect most of the time, craving to eat all the time, feeling to be pampered, feeling nauseated but most of all the time when the baby’s head coming to earth. Only a mother could feel it.
No leader nor successful man would have that kind of sensation and the feeling touching the wet creature fully in liquid and blood was only blessed to a mother.
Would that time come again in life? God you hear me… I crave for that moment. Craving to hold her/ him in my hand, craving to sing the beautiful lullabies in her ear, kissing her tiny eyes, fondling her lil fingers, kissing her tiny lips, letting her suckling my nipples for her feed. I miss that moment very much. My fren suggesting me for adoption. I told her she must be crazy. Nobody will allow a single mom of four to adopt one. My financial credibility will be questioned!
But yes, I would love to hold a baby in my arms again… would god listen to my crave this time…
My passion towards life is more and more appealing. Apart from my work place other area are the best place for me to fulfilled my session of question and answer.
No comments:
Post a Comment