Fate....

Penna: Lynna
Released: 210306 (11.15pm)
Mood: down

Had emotional breakdown after “Seconder” was written. I know I hurt him, I know I make him feel guilty. I make him worried about me. I just shut myself off totally after talked to him, after asking him why he came back and haunt me for the unfinished story. Phone was shut and I am being remorse. Had music blasted loudly and I drive slowly home, drifted deep in thoughts. I was guilty too in between getting to destination of our vision or stop it now before I go to far and it got deeper on his side and mine too… I wasn’t really affected emotionally myself but when I think of the other half, and other sector I failed…

He said, “it wasn’t your fault to come back because we want it to, it wasn’t your fault to be with me because its fated and I want you too”. We cross the bridge when the time comes.

No, my fantasy has no longer a fantasy. It has become a reality where I always wanted to comeback to a place with someone I was before and spent the whole session of passion of being together. Suddenly it become real and I don’t know how to deal with it.

The pain on my lower pelvic become unbearable, when I skipped lunch and took instant noodles for dinner. The pains keep on coming and go its like a cut everytime it hurts me.

I made few phone calls today to people that really catch my attention. Not having the similarity of concerns but well at least they are people who lingers around when they should be there, they are there.

Still looking forward for my India trip while I know I can’t make it. I know why they did that, not going to comments it further and let they feel the heat but not me.

I know I have lots of silent reader now. Why they become silent is because the reality bites and painstakingly like a slap to everyone. But then somehow or rather one has to deliver what has to be. Not to mention those who use it to turn it around. I’ll take all of that. I was adviced to close this account and not to write here anymore but to me conveying the message was not as bad as talking behind the matters while this is the facts that everyone should face.

I remember when my uncle wanted to marry another auntie, everyone in the family was against it. While I said let him be, rather than being his mistress. They immensely become outrages about it. But eventually after they got married and she was always nice, she become favourites amongst all the auntie.

Why? Not everyone come to another people’s life to make them shattered. What’s wrong in giving him permission rather than letting him committing into sin. People always ask what is not enough with his wife? People never ask what is the gaps needed to be fulfilled and when the second woman comes didn’t he still was the same person? He was still my uncle despite how many women if he decide to marry.

My dad devote himself to mom after marrying her and left my sisters and brothers in Sabah once upon a time. Till now dad never seen her but now spent his old days with his childrens where he missed spending their early age with him.

It was nobody’s fault of why a second marriage happens. It’s because its written in his book of life should it be yesterday, now or tomorrow. I now fully understand “why men needs substitute”. To complete each others and to fill the gaps that was missing or to help or its his fate to have few women in his life. God always has reason to everything happen you our life…

12.00am

220306-1.20pm

Another 10cc of blood taken today then I shoot straight to work. 2 proposals, one long winded report on milk and series of emails entails. Few people had a good time chatting with me on various subject. With two indecent proposals, where this time I gave them straight to the face on my opinion but still leaving the value of friendship there. If I do connect with you after the meeting I’ll take that hand, if otherwise, drop dead then. Value of friends, value of life, value of relations, all come with price. Not the price of money, but the price of dignity and pride.

Well N we did not make it up today anyway but I always look way out of tomorrow. Perhaps it will be more promising or else there will be another day eh!!!

Positive over what tomorrow brings, be it sunshine, clouds, rains or rainbow, ill take what comes.

The stake is there, im only investing on what can be taken and leave whats not. Aint difficult tho but well risk is there anyway.

Till then…..