Lynna...

Penna: Lynna
Released: 220306 (written 071205)
Mood: Flat

No matter how much did I take a day from people, Im sure and definite that I don’t want anyone to change me. For I cant change myself for them. That’s for sure. Im gonna blab about many things today. Things about myself, about why I did it and reason for it. Must everything done with reasons? As for me, yes, it is indeed.

I write for no mercy from any. Something that people would say calling for symphaty. NO! I don’t write to get anyone sympathy, Im writing this for my kids to read one day should they already understand about what life is.

I never take anything easily. As young as 5 or 6 years old I was taken to and fro by my grandpa to be in his custody. He took charge of me, he care for me, thought me a lot of things to be independent. And from there I learn a lot of independency and reason to live for whom I am, and what I am. Reason to accept what I am good and bad for.

As simple as drinking a hot coffee from a mug, I was thought to being patience and take things slowly and easy. Knowing that hot brewed kampung coffee is nice to sip, I took the chance directing it to my mouth without even giving a second thoughts. The aroma itself was so inviting and tempting. Coffee that make me insane and coffee that make me thought of life pleasantly till now.

Upon hitting my lips, the taste of coffee doesn’t hit my taste bud at all but all I know my tongue was burnt with the hot sensation. My grandpa was just laughing and told me good for you (padan muka). “Tak sabar “ he said. Yeah I was so impatient to have the taste and have it all. I was then thought the humility of being a woman with all the sopan santun and how to sip a feel and taste n understand why hot coffee is nice, tasty, sweet and bitter. First and foremost lift it up slowly, have the smell of the coffee and then try putting it on your lips and blow a little and take sip by sip. “You would taste it good and slowly plus inhaling the smell of coffee and yet not burning ur lips with the heat”. Coffee is yes surely bitter but the taste represent life. None is easy in life. The hotter the coffee is the better it smells. The aroma triggers a lot of curiosity to those around you. The taste of bitterness and sweet blends in nicely giving good taste to ur taste bud and life. I take that rolling from the beginning till now. Anyhow I love coffee since the day he introduce it to me, I take any coffee but I feel China coffee is the lousiest coffee ive ever taste.

Now let me go to next chapter. My upbringing was never as nice but I love it the way I take it. Its difficult. Coming from the low income level parents doesn’t give me any luxury. Not a bit at all. I live in a squatter area with all the Malay community. To get a tap water I have to line up with people to wait for my turn and it doesn’t stop for one trip but few in a day. I shall call it a routine for me. We use “dapur kayu” to cook and at times we use dapur minyak. It depends on how my dad makes up in a month. We have a well nearby where I have to get waters back to home daily for home consumption like washing dish and washed ourselves.

Mom has to help dad with selling pisang goreng to make up a living for us, to send us to school. For a start mom send us with her bicycle every afternoon and later in the evening dad will pick me up from school. At the age of 8 my right ankle was hit by the passing bus and I was injured. The pain doesn’t strike me immediately but then later at night. I cried but for a while only. So it was bandage for few week I guess. Then when I can managed myself I take that bicycle to school and come back on my own again. There was so many memories of being on that on my own. Being followed by flasher, barking dogs and etc. Im not going to tell all this in details its going to take my whole night to blab about this. Perhaps some other time.

I was never a favourite in my family. My brother was always praised and my sister always being treated like a princess. I never took any look at it. Because I was thought to appreciate what I have when I still have my grandpa with me. The humility, patience, appreciating life, what is granted and etc. Where is my mom and dad during those days? They were no where to be seen. Busy with their routines and taking more money home. Was it for me? Or was it for self satisfaction? I don’t know. Not until now. I seriously concentrate on what I should and leave that behind. I do once a while ponder about it but then to soothe me I just say “they did it to make the living better, so that I can share that”.

I get an “A” for my SRP but it was never good for mom. Tho dad bought me somethings but then when lil sister arrive 10 years later I was no where to be seen. If I forgot to do the normalities or routine work I will be hit and beaten till im ashamed to go to school. Until at one point then I don’t feel anything from that. Being hard and timid, boyish and I only acknowledge those who can accept me as who I am that time. I was never have any feminity feelings although I sulk alone but I never regretted it.

I was stubborn, hard headed but obey them and scared to be punished. I guess when I get beaten they was just tired, doesn’t seems to know what to do, or perhaps buntu and a way to let it go is punishing me and my brother. To the extent for a silly mistake I was ready to kneel and have the cane ready for her to whack me. Bit by bit it turns to hatred and being revengeful. I hate the situation, I hate being bullied, humiliated, I hate anger, I hate people raising their voice.

I seclude myself only to me. I talk to myself, I build my own boundaries, be friends to only I feel I want to. They aren’t many because I minimize it accordingly to my needs only. To those like me they will really like me, to those who come and go they may do as they pleased. I don’t come near you, trouble you so you don’t do something I don’t like.

I learned things my way. I love readings due to my boundaries, I don’t talk much to people but by reading I learn a lot. I praise myself by being confident when Im asked a question and answered correctly. Be it in kindergarden or in school. Tho I don’t excel but im blessed of what I'm up to now. Can't be more thankful because parents do send me to school to learn and be like other child. Thank you mom, thank you dad. I just hate the way u handle me brutally apart from that I appreciate what you did to me. I love you!

Being tomboish when I was in primary make me feel more of myself. My teenage year, I used all that skills too be an athlete. I let out all my rage and anger by sprinting, high jump, long jump, hurdles, cross country, whatever it is. I cant remember what else. I got II for my SPM and when I raised a need to go for Form Six my mom snap me off. There I go working and then taking my computer class and got myself a Stenographer certificate to be who I am today.

In the family of my mom being raised in KL I got the chance to hold the opportunity to choose where I work, what to do and make the eyes of my aunts and uncles open that woman can do better too except being factory worker and marry off at the age of 19^th.

No I don’t want to get married when I was being matched by my mom. I got carried away eh. Anyway I take my life span as it is till now. I value what love is, I value my quality time to be with my kids. I just hope I don’t forget my roots and path that I've gone through. No matter how hard it is but it was for the best of me. Im glad I took it easily and I thank god for everything I have today. I still have mom, kids and my family. Im glad.