I was having very good conversation today with few people. From a lovely ladies to the handsome guys. I could say an achievement of a day to know me. Listening, sharing and understanding people always amused me. There are many characteristic and colours of people. From there I feel great deal of views im seing today.
Why do I listen to people? Why do I see people? What do I gather from what I hear? What do I get from the picture I saw in the people? Where does the story goes next? Where would the people go after and image is portrayed? When do they need to take the action after the stories are told and they are being listened? When the people are portrayed and pictured as someone when are they going to be structured as who are they? Who are those people listen to the story poured by them? Who are the people who are responsible to the image portrayed? This 5w’s is a good way to know me.
These entire question is very confusing when we look at it at once glance. But it is the best way of knowing you. Know the characteristic in you. Know the strengths in you. Know the weaknesses in you.
How do you carry yourself as a person? How do you know yourself in terms of which character do you have? Are we an interesting person to be with? Are we strong enough? Are we good enough to attract people to be in our circle? Are we ok if we are left out alone?
Knowing yourself is not hard. Simple question by asking yourself what do you want, who are you, where are you heading, when do you need to act, why do we you need to do what you are doing now is a simple thing to address yourselves of all question.
I may not be good in translating this but since I’ve practicing asking myself and challenge me to be who I am. I’m getting myself out. I know I have been using my emotions to think before and I am not going to repeat the same thing again.
We are granted a brain to use over every single things happening to our daily life. I am so determined of what I want now. Will not consider turning back to the path that I have left. Challenging Lina to be in reality and forming farm as example in the beginning has been a very good move.
I’m glad I have three important person who is able to bring me out. In my search since 2001 till now. Well I can say it is not long but to some people it is very long to get something out of the shell which is enveloping me for 30 over years. Damn that was long according to them. What takes me too long to realize the beauty of being individual, the beauty of being ME, the beauty of being Lina or Lynn.
That three person is Aznin Ghazali who has been challenging me daily without fail with one simple question asked. “Is it wrong to be single”. His next question “What is wrong with you? What are you lacking? Is that single thing are going to make you less than a person? So what if you are single, you managed your kids well, you are not tagged with emotional issues, you are not being possessed like you used to, you are not being used financially by him, and so and so”…
Only then I opened up one by one question to get the answer to get over with and get it done here and there. First thing I do managed my financial over the divorce case. 2ndly foresee my path of next 5 years. During that time my twins was just in kindergarden. Was having idea to send them to the same school as her sister in Lai Meng but unfortunately my financial was not stabil at that time. I opted to send them to normal school and encourage time to time to be as good as their sister. If I know I will, im sure they can do.
Then I become focused with my work. Trying to keep what ever emotions far away from work. I become stubborn, sharp, fast, multitask and what ever boss need me to do.
My time of being weak was over and I’m getting over with my sadness and inferiority. I’m challenging time to get the real me out. I’m beating my curiosity by asking a lot of question and taking the power of “if”. What “if” I do this and it doesn’t work, what “if” I do that and it work but not 100%. I’m becoming stronger and more of courage since I did that. I take the control of me, myself and I. I say yes when I want to and I say no when I need to.
Next person who always listen and give advice accordingly was Zulkifli Zain. Countless time I was being emotional driving middle of nowhere, being stupid just to let out my tears, anger and sorrow. Before going home to my kids where I don’t want them to see the weak part of me. It throw out to him, I tell the scenario. “Logically it should not be the way you are doing farm”. Trying to soothe me and calm me. “Go home, you belongs to your lovely kids, not the evil roadside of nowhere”. I think, I get my head crashed, cracking the root of the problems. Damn… He was right. “Go home Lina, this is not the way you doing it. Get over it. Go home take your shower, be with him, your creator, your source of mercy. Ask from him for guidance” says inner me…
At times he caught me crying, he will wipe the tears with all the jokes and fun tales… I should be thankful, in a way without me looking, someone found me out of nowhere and listen deeply to the soul. Letting go the emotional issue was not easy nor difficult. It is all in the brain. Emotion is an art, logic is science, form of doing it is ‘think’. And so we were given the art and science as a guide to win the our emotions and being logic in everything we does. “See you learn new things everyday now. Aren’t you proud now of yourself now lina?” inner me asking… I cant shove that aside while actually and the fact is yes I am looking at it perfectly one after another…
Third person finally who is really challenging my nerve to get out of being me was Halimi Abdullah. He sat down with me one day sometime in April in Starbuck KLCC about an issue of accepting third person sharing my love one in my life.
The next message from him was “good for you farm, I hope everything goes well”. And so it goes one. I only come to him if I want to challenge my courage. To him it wasn’t difficult. He just need to explain while I sat there listen carefully or be it only in sms. We don’t meet often, once in the blue moon over few session of karaoke or coffee with group of people.
At those time he doesn’t know I had him (ex bf) still. I goes out or sms him just to get some ideas and will power. He will put it in simple way and words to make me understand situation.
During those moment where I was in a junction to make my decision whether to continue or to get out of love life, he was there to just giving simple thoughts and reminder again of how worth a person is to be in my life if it is only creating problem after another.
When I achieve the answer and solution, I took the chance to travel out of country just to be with myself. Just to challenge my needs and wants and the courage of letting go. I was not feeling guilty to be with someone else. I was not feeling guilty of seeing another person. I was not feeling guilty to lie to Zahar why did I have to go out of town during the day I suppose to meet him with Roslinah. Zahar you anticipate me wrongly dear. You will never know what am I going to do next to you or to my life. You are full of love of someone who spitted to your face and your parents once ago.
But its a good sign of me to get rid of him and there I was throwing myself to someone I tried to understand long ago. Of why he came to me, why did he take the offer of going out with me and why did I say yes to travel just with him.
The experience itself thought me a lots of reality about him and me. Next week after my get away. I mailed Halimi to help me again getting my belongings at Bukit Chedang. He was very much helpful and challenge me to do it in within 15 minutes.
The minute I open the house I saw her face and my heart is confirming what Halimi is saying was right. He is not worth to be with. The only thing I didn’t take was the memory which will killed him softly.
For all the help Aznin, Zulkifli and Halimi is doing, I thanked all of them deeply from my heart for bringing the real me out to reality.
I manage to do a lot of things nowadays. The only thing I have not overcome is fear of water. I was about very close to it when my Project Aware trip has to be called off due to the emergency I have at home. I was called immediately to come back by my brother thinking that I was still in KL.
I did satisfy them and I am being faraway from home now. But im very close to my angels more than anything else. One day I will be there to beat the fear of being in the water and know the other world of nature. I will be, that is my promise.
To all of you girlfriend who hear me in and out. You are there but most of time listen instead of challenged me. I want a challenge to be part in the mysterious life. The journey has begun and I anticipate mercy one after another… My next visit was to be near to HIS house and finding the NUR in me….
Permudahkan hidupku dan murahkan rezekiku ya allah, aku ingin menemuimu secepat mungkin…syukur atas kasihmu, syukur atas rezekimu, syukur atas nikmatmu…Amin ya rabbal alamin…
1246am
28th September 05
Listening to: Listen to your Heart (Roxette)
Mood: Happy to get Connected To ME
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