03 September 05

I don’t feel like writing today. Was hit by laziness. I don’t go out but only to market and buying groceries for the children.
I hate laziness, never wish to have this feeling at any time. I spent time with reading most of the time and spending with the kids…
I the morning when I was buying breakfast and old friend approach me to take part in independence day competition to do colouring. I did not say yes nor denying it. But later I did ask my children to get the form. Fill it in halfheartedly not sure whether I wanted to do it. Why am I feeling like this?
I was always on the go, no matter what. Or perhaps my dear friend is coming soon. It is going to spoil my outing soon. I wasn’t giving enough attention too for the outing. Argghh…
Where is my spirit and soul? SMS came about 8pm from a friend asking to go out later tonight. I said yes at first but after my wholesome salad and bread, I give up. I SMS back saying im not going.
I don’t know what is inside my mind. After everyone goes to sleep, here I am sitting, typing, and reading what I have done for the day.
Not as enjoyable as yesterday. Confirmed! I’m attacked with emotional destruction. Which I always used to avoid.
Suddenly I feel so melancholy. Put on a music and “Feelings” hits the air painfully taking my mind back to remember my ex boyfriend.
He must have been happy by now. Even if I said I’m smiling over his happiness, a slight hurt is still there. “Still thinking of him eh?” I ask myself… “yes I do, don’t you?”.
Yesterday I was having good chat with a fren in oz about what relationships is. Accepting a person as it is by not changing him/ her is the best thing we could do to achieve happiness in relations. But can we achieve it here. While we know that typical individual here has their own set of mind.
Of how one should behave when they choose their loved one. My mind is tracking back how did I trained my love one to be neat, hygienic and be prepared at any circumstances.
He understand well and we really learn each others. Those thing he can accept he will do it and to those he cant he tells me honestly. Compromise is the KEY to relationship.
Sacrifice came only to certain things that one really cant take it. Well I can understand that. I respect and abide that rules on strong reason why it cant be done. But sad to hear that it was not imposed to himself anymore now when he is alone on his own.
I received a call from my ex sister in law asking me to come over for a chat. I did visit her and with that she gave me a lot of story on how he is now, how he take charge of his life.
Sigh…. I cant be the one who always think, and lead for a person all the time. I want to be lead..
Why am I so independent until I don’t feel I need anyone in my life anymore. Why am I trained to be one…
When I was in Form 4 I was called by counseling teacher to be in a group of ten doing a focus group discussion of how we track our fear factor…
First she started with simple instruction “list down 20 attitude and behaviour that you don’t like to have in you or your friends”.
All of us list it down. Different student has different things to jot down. Each and everyone has to say it out loud. Next we are supposed to cut down to 10 and have only important 10 that we don’t like.
Same thing happen and now she ask why we don’t like this 10 attitude and behaviour. From 10 we are cutting it down to 5 and lastly we only have one that we hated most.
‘Lack of confidence’ is what I have. And until now I can still remember. I hated that but yet it is still in me. I am independent but lack of confidence. Why? I keep on asking myself, there shouldn’t be lack of confidence while you already have the independency. “Oh really?”. I keep on arguing, debating this with my ownself. Till lately I found the answer I guess.
May be because im still expecting someone to lead me. To tell me what to do instead of me taking command of myself. While to some people it is good but to me I’ve been enjoying this since I was six years old.
I’m all on my own. I decide, I take charge, I find out, I do my own research, test, analyse all on my own.
I tried to let someone do that for 10 years. Try to blend in his style, his needs and wants. Yeah I was feeling good but still some of the things I still have to lead. No that was not full charge his taking but half or maybe quarter.
Then I tried again but this time I don’t make him official leader of my life. Trial period take place for almost 3 years. He failed too.
By now “when will I see you again” is playing on the CD. “Are we in love or just friend”, im smiling telling myself “we are just friend farm”. “You cant take anyone as lover. Not just yet. You have not fully recover”.
Suddenly I remember a friend of mine was talking to me and discussing about traveling passion. I told him I will try to do as much as I could like doing side income and business. Then I can enjoy traveling all over the world. Well he snap me in between lines. He said “perhaps find yourself a husband farm to take you around with him”. I look at him silencing my talkative mouth at that very moment and look into his eyes for the meaning.
I do need a man to take me travel? I do need someone to take charge of me again? Is it not too soon? I enjoy the company of friends that I selected which is not many. 3 guys and 3 gals. What a number. With me it make it up to 7. My favourite number.
Sigh again….
Am I lack of confidence? Do tell me dear friend. Is that what im lacking in my life now?
I just want to lead my life as it is now. Im enjoying the companies of my dear and dearest friend which I don’t wish to loose.
They remain as they are and not wishing to come and ask for more. But if god willing or will god let me to?

1am 4th September 05