REALITY

Current mood: anxious

In reality I don’t have much time for myself. Yet I have to find a moment to be with my angels. I don’t have pets but I have my potted plans which have been ignored quite sometime. And friends who would always ask and care for me everyday. I am thankful, I am glad, I am never alone now.

But I am contented with myself since Ive found ME. The real me who have needs and wants and life. I lead life before to what I am told, to what they want.

Perhaps if I listen I will be happier I said once. I love to watch and observe people. Like to be in the crowds but never have a confidence to be within them.

In the wee hours of nites I listen to the nice sound of quran being recited and it seeps thru my hearts and soothe my mind and soul. And with that I place myself infront of him asking for mercy to give me back my life and soul. Give me the peace, give me the happiness and wisdom that I longed for. Tears droping and im weeping everytime I saw myself somewhere lost not knowing where I should go. But of course I know HE hear me.

I know ive not been fair to myself. Giving as much as I can to whoever around me. So long they are happy I am happy to share it with them.

Looking back what I have shared with my dearest husband. A day always started with a smile, hugs and kisses. Every little things is important for me. I love to entertain. I don’t have many friends when I have him. I don’t need to, since I have him and close friends stay intact within a phone call away. During gatherings or birthday parties family members are called. Over 30 nephews and nieces will be coming to celebrate birthdays.

I will cook and make sure they have enough before they go home and usually till very late. I then usually cant walk by the time they are gone. He will help to clean what ever he can. He is always helpful. Very sweet of him, from the sofa I can only throw him a smile and told him by tomorrow everything will be back to normal.

He knows that, he just want to help which I let him, even I have to do it again but a chance is always there for him to show his gratitude for entertaining his families well. He is from large family unlike me theres only 3 of us. While he has 7 and being the last and no he is not spoilt after marrying me.

Very considerate, tolerable and I must say nice good looking. I don’t marry him because of love. I develop love after I marry him. I develop trust, I develop everything and devote myself to him solely.

We were happy, amongst the rest of the family. They were always talking about us being so friendly, so loving so harmony. No one knows the secret, the dark side of us and also no one knows why we separated.

He was younger but my respect to him is on top of everything. I never raised my voice. If ive ever feel angry I just walk out and bring myself to another place either weeping or just being alone until im done and fine I would ask for forgiveness. Whether im wrong or not I never sleep without talking to him never, not even a day.

His mother loves me very much. She would cook anything when she knows im coming and at the end of the day she will lay her head near me and tell me to massage her. I would talk to her while massaging her foot normally. Whenever we go for holiday she will come along and so do my mother. My heart always blooms with happiness to see their smile.

But we never know what have caused him to change suddenly. Failing with him I tried to love again when a married guy came knocking to save me from falling to wrong people.

It was mom who introduced and it was not my own will to know him. I was rather running away from him. Was never giving any attention to him.

Eventually I fall for him. Hmm how did it happen I don’t know. Yes I took time, perhaps it was my children he is baiting first so it makes me like a person who knows how to tackle my kids. They love him, humorous, talkative, hot tempered and what else? I cant remember…

Its not easy to love yeah I remember that, it takes a lot to count how he actually can enter my zone. At the same time I am doing a research of why, so and so.

I love to give, that’s my nature. Loving all around me unconditionally make feel they would do the same. Right or wrong, I let nature take care of it. Pressure is never mine. I take things simply, naturally and easily. To some people I am absolutely nuts but I have reason.

If god can love me unconditionally without pressuring but laying all the law for us as guideline im sure i can have the sweetness of love naturally too.

Now I take a moment away before I go to sleep to think only the good memories happened to me. Probably hiccups is there during daytime but yeah I don’t take it till I go to sleep anymore.

When I was on the way home last nite at about 3.40am, I was stop by a road block. “Pagi cik… Tolong berhenti tepi” kata pakcik polis…

I pull over, taking out my license and pass over to him. “Dari mana ni?? He said “Office encik…” “Keje apa ni dah pagi” “CAri makan cik…” He read out my name. “Saya ingat awak cina” Hahahahah I was laughing ada ke nama cina berbinti I asked him… “Ye betul saya ingat awak cina, pasti darah campur?” “Ye campur indon” I was laughing, infact pale one. I was very tired and sleepy. “Patutla putih, cina indon ke” he asked again still holding my license. “Tak laa, nenek saya mungkin! Cantik, putih macam cina” “Ha itulah pasal, tak sangka ye” isk what is this, I want to go home please… my heart was saying.

He hand over my license. “Where is your husband?”. I don’t have one I said. He look at me not believing. If I have one would I be wandering like that in the wee hours… keeping it to my heart. Anyway I gave him a smile, and he let me go. “Bawa kereta baik-baik ye” and off I go…

In that day itself if was having many mix feelings and emotions due to my love life. They affect my life badly. I did almost everything for my love one. Organising their life the way it should be. Until im gone they forget the routine should be taken care by them now. But people still call me for their affairs… I would answer nicely but then later I would feel sad. The still associate me to him. They still thought we are together. I always leave in a good manner. I sometimes wonder will I feel the same love given to them n felt even they are gone… NO I shouldn’t ask this question not again… I have stop asking and I would just receive and accept what god decide for me. Meantime I will always work it out not just wait.

I have a lot of things to do in order to get my kids education taken care accordingly. Hard but I can do it of course. Tired, who’s not, but I still can walk, run, laugh and be happy sharing it with them.

My eldest is going to secondary next year. My worries grow but insyaallah I hold my faith in my hand and ALLAH please help me in a way…

By now im feeling better again. Relieved yesterday had passed and today is another day to look forward… Im learning every moment passing by. Like cik sekinchan was telling me “cik farm saya muleh type dengan mata tutup wooo” hahhahaa I was laughing. Yes, I said one can do it without looking because of the routines. I don’t have to see keyboard while typing. All I need to do is remember the keystroke. ‘a’ for small finger left and ‘;’ right finger and all the ten fingers has their own key zone. I was thought in school of secretary so that was easy. Eventually when things are done daily it made easy. So what ever happens to my day which is bad there is encik sekinchan who is never failed boosting. He can detect whenever the emotions is taking my intelligency hahahhah… Man with brain without an emotions… perhaps I could learn how to separate that but alas cancerian are always very moody… soft but stubborn… but im always a better person today….

11.19am
16^th Sept 05