I was grilled by Sam in Nailis today after visiting friends sister who is admitted to Ampang Puteri. I was cornered to discuss a lot of things that I avoid. Man, work, my goals, my aims, my dreams.
She said its difficult for me to find someone because of my children. Sometime I don’t understand myself nor to make them understand what do I want. Theres a lot of thing for me to consider in accepting another person in my life. My gorgeous angels are amongst the precious things that I don’t want to loose. Knowing I would have to go through another battle of fight for their custody if I got married. *sigh*
Sam was saying “they are all girls farm its difficult for you. They are not muhrim to your husband”. Her words cut me deep inside in me. I cant trust my husband then? Must I think that way? Why should it come into the picture? My heart is needle with lots of questions that leaves the blood rushed into my brains making me feels hot and tempered by it.
Next she was discussing of my job. Why Im not happy with it.. I need a job to feed my angels. Securing it meaning sacrificing lots of my time everyday just to be there for my boss. I love my job because I learn about human behaviour and attitude. About consumer needs and expectations. It makes me analyse and think about life everyday.. Yeah I like my job, the industry the kind of service we offer to people.
Doing indepth discussion and groups to look at people insight of certain expectation to product, branding, service, quality and value.
How can I win my boss over the time I am there?. Do I have extra time, do I evaluated fairly every year. Why is she asking me this question?
Most of the time when she call me for dinner or tea, I would reject her offer due to my working hour which is not specifically letting me go back on time. Most of the time they are frustrated when I cant turn up or being there late. I cant help it. I have something under my responsibility. Tho I complaint but I have not managed to get out from my company. Many factors triggers me from going.
What we need from our job? What kind of job satisfy us?
Self satisfaction I would say. Not just thank you at the end of the day. Increment in the beginning and bonus at the end of year. No, I love to learn. Take a step of ladder a day. Even if I have to go through hardship, trainings and battle along the company politics. The tricks is I just have to maintain my performance learn more and do multitasking.
Why did she provoked me in the first place. I was fetched by her so I did not bring her car. Usually when I am provoked or cornered with that question I would make an excuse and make my way out. But today she makes me talk. She let me spit it out. She say “its good for you to let it out”. Then I said not “to you friend, my boss should hear this”.
But neh, letting out is good. But im putting a strategy and thinking of taking another challenge. Should I excel or not the step of moving should be taken in the first place.
I was here in this company for more than five years. I need new challenge if it is not new hope. Everything will be the same in a new place. It is just what I should look for, what kind of service they are doing, what kind of expectation that I need from the move.
I love the job but I cant afford being abused. I need time to chilled off sometimes after being pressured. But taking leave is like taking my life out of my body. Its so difficult to get approval if I cant find temporary staff which is almost the same like me.
Frustrations and depression is building day to day. And passion over the work is slowly leaving me. Im just doing it for responsibilities sake. No more being happy, which is wrong. Im trying to make a deal with myself on tolerance over all the situation I need to consider. Manage to put some piece of mind time to time to make sure I do it accordingly and deliberately.
Arggh enough talking about work. When I reach home after being send by Sam I walked back to my home. Now, I forgot to bring the key, I have to call my maid to open the door for me. I have to knock the window at the back to wake her.
Along the way I saw my plants and so called small garden. It has been long since I talk to my plants. Tho it is still green but has lost a bit of loving touch. Where usually I love to talk to them while trimming the bush or the leaves beautifully and accordingly to soothe my eyes. I lost some plants that I like due to the heat. But all in all, its still there.
I always dream to have a garden with a small pond with the sound of water running like a water fall. But I have not manage time and money to find those materials to make it real yet.
Well just let it be an imagination before I falls asleep tonite or no its already morning. Theres is actually no flower in the garden but green leaves.
Goals, aims and dreams are part of things that I still trying to put up if I may still have. Juggling with the time, and other things at the same time trying to organize it in order. I will still try no matter I can have it or not. For at least I have something to look forward tomorrow.
Sam apologize for having a heaty conversation with me just now. I said “if you think I did offend you in a way I am sorry too”. Best thing she always said again “farm, mend your way through to your boss, put your pride away and try to win her”.
I will try and see whether that works.. I have 3 more months to go before I decide.. Insyaallah. God I need your help now. Please give me a hint on what next. I love the job but if my bread is not there anymore do guide me.
07th September 05
1.15am
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