THANKFUL

I was I holding my anger to get my rights over certain thing at certain people today. I was just trying my luck and holding some principle. What was I aiming for to make sure people who deal with me on business basis are based on strictly business and being professional.

Again I was wrong, people cant think the way I think. People don’t have heart like I do. I was being bold just the way I wanted to be long time ago. I want to do what I feel like to do now without hesitating. You thought me to be hard. You thought me to be tough. You thought me to be selfish. And here I am. But when I do that you retract. You are shock and you make way to split. But I will be fine. You want to go, you go. You want to fly, you fly. You want to laugh at me, you laugh. You want to cry, you cry.

I have done enough, I have tried enough and I have nodded enough. Its time I feel the sweetness of life. What it can offer in my difficulties. I have gone through hardship to get extra smile to be happy, extra lifestyle to get over conservativeness, extra points to get extra financial secure, extra miles to gain knowledge and destiny.

Looking back just to remind me I shouldn’t be falling again. Give heart to people only when I think I should? No it doesn’t work with me because born to be a giver. I help whenever im approach in what ever circumstances I have to take. Now I can only listen. I cant give monetary help nor the energy needed like I used to do.

Brutalness thought me to be tough. Pain of being beaten makes me numb. Sorrow makes me look at other people sadness like a small matter compared to what ive gone through. Come and challenge me with reasons, then I tell you what real pain is. I can be soft but don’t trigger my anger. I can avoid sex but don’t seduced me. I can just walk away even without telling you when I should go. Don’t underestimate my action. As I need people around me to survive, to act, and to love.

I may be stupid but full of knowledge. I may be blur but I am full alert. I may be smiling but I am crying. I may be letting go but I am clinging. I have to be strong, I have to be tough. The reaction to everything I do was only a way to get to know me better.

I’ve hurted myself to compare the pain I undergo before and now. I feel the hurt just to make me respect people around me more because of the good life they went through. Considering myself are better than those people who has to depend on the shelter given by others and sympathy from surroundings.

I want to be thankful always and remember the mercy given to me everyday. Even through difficulties I can still feel the sun burning my skin, the coldness in the night killing the heat and I can still feel the tastiness of Milo over bread, I can still munch a leafy salad when I don’t want rice.

I may not be harsh but I am crushed, I may not be nice but I am never so hard, I may not be loving but I need to be angry. Sometime I just don’t understand myself. I need to seclude myself again deep in you to know more of me. Today a question pops up how satisfied are you lina? I am very much contented and know how much I have achieved so far and its fine I have lost someone I love but they have never loose any love I have given. To my dear ex husband thank you for the money given even not much. It does help tho not much. To those who has invested for me or the kids only god can pay you and may god bless you in everyway you do.

Released: 5^th October 2005
Currently listening to:
Shoulder to cry on : Tommy Page
Mood: Angry