PRAISE

Tonite I have the craving needs of driving alone in the darkness. With this song the crave and the need to be all alone to myself is so invigorating. I turn to this screen where my hands can dance, my heart talking, my ears listening to Lee Ann Rimes singing “I need you”.

How many time did I praise my self in my wholife time. Once when I gotten my Sijil Rendah Pelajaran. Even I was not as good as those top scorer but I did take moms challenge. Next when I look at myself in the mirror when I was waiting for my SPM. There was a crew from filming to shoot a few scene near my place. When I feel a crave in me to put on something nice. I was a tomboyish when I was teens. That very day I took a blue dress and put it on me and admire myself in the mirror. I look at every curve I had. Every where I see me turning into a woman. I am no longer a tomboyish girl who like to seclude myself away from people.

I admire my breast which falls nicely in shape, down to my navel where my waistline curves down to my hip with hearty shape. I look good in that blue dress. I let my hair fall. I tried smiling and pacing in front of the mirror to see where could I improve myself at that age. Since then I tried putting more dress than pants and t shirt.

I tend to learn to love what I have in me. That is when I praised myself, the way i look, the way i walk, the way i smile. I look good with all god has given me. Since then I don’t really look at myself anymore. I was only looking at my aim and goal. Work and at the same time goes to college when mom snapped me off the need of me going to Form 6.

“Its expensive” she said. “But I want to learn still”. “Then you find your own money”. That’s what I did. I look for a job and at the same time enroll myself to a college taking stenographing. From there I go one after another ladder to my career path. My aim and goal was to get money on my own, buy my own things. Stuff up my knowledge by reading more and mixed around.

I share the amount I brought home with her. I got more I gave more and less for less. It continuously go on till my divorce where I have to stop giving. I cant anymore now. Infact I need help but nevermind ill find my way.

What else I want now. I have almost all. Home, car, kids, career and myself is almost there. I just need to forget everything in past. I just need to praise myself more like I did 20 years back.

I still have my shape tho I have four kids. I just put on 10 kgs compare to when im single. I put some on my thighs and some of my stomach. But proportionately im still ok. For that im grateful at the age of late 30’s, with four kids im still maintaining my body.

This question keep on bugging me everyday. To be single or to try again to be in relationship. Why this is always in my mind. When I look at my kids, when they asked about male gender my heart sunk. I don’t want them to get the heat when I choose a wrong person. Not again. This is not about me only this time. It is about 5 feelings. I don’t want to hurt them. Never!!! They have been a good child, bright and lovely. But I know they wont stay forever as they are now. They are growing they need someone to tell them about life on the other version. I cant answer them. Help me!!

Date released: 11 Oct 05,1.29am
Currently listening: Life goes On-Lee ann Rimes
Mood: Craving