ME

It has been a good day to find that people read my writings. Whatever I write here is merely to talk about me, which has nothing to do with others nor offending anyone. What I talks here is reflecting of what Ive gone thru and those who connected to me and my life.

I am not, I repeat, not pointing nor talking about your life or you yourself. Please mind you I did warn you “to read on your own risks”. Few times I read other people blog where it slaps right onto my face and it does reflects me but then I think about it. NO the writer is not pointing to me. Blogs are written through what the writers feels not about other people story or feelings.

Im just letting out my emotions because of what I want to say and feel. Those things I write earlier was because of a person whom I brought in into my life, his life, his parents life to cheer up before she took over the whole space.

She who told me has gotten nur allah when she goes to rumah ibadat. She who was fully covered after came back from performing umrah. She who was telling me boastfully will not stay with a person who is not a muhrim in a room just the two of them and she who got offended when she come over to KL, I ask whether she is going to stay in a hotel with him.

While she says all those and she can tell me how he come to her room hugging and kissing her in his parents house. How she can tell me all those private things. And she let him. Where does all the principle goes to. Why does she let it happen after the nur allah and the confession about being her and the way she carries herself?

All I write and what I questioned here was all about me. Its has nothing to do with you readers. Do not read things you don’t like. I like to remind myself time to time by writing and reading. This is what I call reflecting and all this while I have been forgetting to do it and disappointing myself. Yes I can do it quietly but then this is my way. Do not get offended. Please don’t.

It hit me most when his brother sms came and tell me sillaturrahim between him and me is still there tho the brother not in contact with me and he has known nothing about it at all. Kidding me?

A mother who has gone through life and mother who share stories about him running away to an Indonesian woman, married her after she left him with no valid reason. And now back to the Singaporean and telling will marry me and her and take me and kids to migrate to New Zealand just to run away from situation and problems? No I don’t run away. I stayed no matter how difficult life gonna be.

She has been the one who initiate and ignite the reason for him to leave Malaysia again, whom will make the parents disappointed. While infront of them she speaks nicely with attitude and bought them things to make do of what she has done before.

Could I do something to mend. No I cant be like her telling tales. I wont buy love with money anymore for its not working with me. I want to live in the real world. She talks a lot and most of all humiliate me when she is so full of herself when she degrade me as who I am. At least I don’t make another woman hurt. At least his wife knows my existent.

I called his mom “mother” hopefully I could get a motherly love. Why did I do it? Why did I comeback to him? Perhaps that time there was only me to pick him from the garbage dumpsite when his wife left him with nothing except financial problems. Without job, any money and most of all no one to turn to. Why did mother invite me on the third day hariraya to make me think of marrying him. I was ready to go through life alone that time. I have come to a situation that ill be fine alone with my children. There was many proposal which I put aside and don’t want to think about it but just being friends. Im able to smile, to laugh, to have fun, to cry with and most of all they do not take advantage but understand who I am.

Perhaps I think because I sympathize him at that time. Because he has no one to turn to, because he needed help. I came as someone to listen, to motivate, to boost his self esteem. In 3 months times he got a job, he can smile and most of all mend his relation with his parents. It was not because of me. It was because he wants to do it. I was just telling and advising. Nothing more.

She came when he challenge me to look for her address, when he challenge me he wanted to look for her. I gave him her address, her number and her email address. She came to my life when I gave her space to share him with me along with his wife. It was not my choice but his. Knowing the problem I might face I still gave myself a chance to see how he stand by his principle being a leader.

But when she took over everything, manipulate his parent and families, its time for me to leave. To give him back the love once left him in state of nowhere. I never pressured him to marry me nor tell him what to do. All I remembered till now was “this is what I want” he said. And I give it all. He don’t have to think about my kids. He don’t have to spend anything on me or my family. Where he was just paying back what he has taken. When she came all the monies spent questioned by everyone.

When everyone knows this happening they were so angry while I just smile and walked away from them. Not trying to make them cool and calm. The amount of money I spent was far more from what I take. When I give I ask for nothing in return. Why? I want God to give me more love not the money. Allah knows im tight with financial but he send me friends who always send me food as and when they feel like giving. I cant be more thankful for once I was a giver and now is a time for me to received. Life is always up and downs. And my turn has come to feel a bit of difficulties but still I managed to live. As I know god knows better why he sent her in our way and why HE show me the path I should choose.

I just hope I don’t say or do things that I don’t want to do. I am a sinner for I am only human. I never judge her nor him of what has happen. Even to all of you. All I can say it was my mistake. I let it happen. I don’t hold my love one tightly. I let her come to my way because life is about sharing.

I came to his life and make his wife hurt when he love me and now its my turn to feel hurt of what I have done. I think its fair when god pays me straight in real life now instead later in the other life. Where now I can still seek for his forgiveness and do more to mend things.

A sinner? Am I not one? When I write, I make people hurt, that’s consider a sin too. But im only human. I just want to feel what I like to do. So long I don’t take yours.

Now I am more careful when it comes to relations. I know if it meant for me no matter how I avoid it, it will still come my way. God knows better.

So dear friend. Don’t be offended. I will still write. Don’t read all if you feel my writings will hurt you. Please, I’m just writing to make me feel good.

Released date: 11 Oct 05
Currently listening: Aku Cinta Kamu (Linda AF1)
11.04pm